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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was I unreasonable?? (MIL thread sorry!)

54 replies

WhatIsThisFreshHell · 15/01/2020 19:28

Looking for a sounding board as starting to feel I’ve lost the plot. Hit me with your YABUs if I deserve them!!

I have had an alright relationship with my MIL for many years. We’re not close, mostly just through being very different, but we manage to rub along ok.

Recently I had an event at my house. All family there, many family friends also. MIL started loudly and pointedly talking about another person who was present at the event and not just in the room at the time but actually sat very close to her (easily within earshot). Things like ‘and I can’t stand him either, so stuck up’.

I overheard (from my position much further away than the - absolutely lovely - person being openly discussed) and was shocked. I asked her to help me in the other room, and (mildly given the event occurring) read the riot act. As in, no drama no anger but, very clearly said - MIL this is my home, these are my guests and good friends, please stop immediately as what you're doing to them is incredibly rude.

Was vvv sure I was NOT BU. Husband totally on my side, as ever (he’s a keeper 😉).

MIL subsequently said sorry - kind of - and I said let’s forget it, it’s done now, it’ll not be tolerated in my house again, but it’s certainly not worth the family falling out over.

But NOW despite that MIL has taken a huff. And has also managed to convince BIL that she’s been treated appallingly- as a result HE is not talking to either myself or my husband.

Was I wrong to react this way?

YANBU- it’s not on, and why should guests in your home be subjected to such hurtful rudeness unchallenged
YABU- you should have let it go or dealt with it differently, this was poorly done.

OP posts:
MamaWeasel · 15/01/2020 19:30

Yanbu

TwoHeadedYellowBelliedHoleDig · 15/01/2020 19:32

You dealt with it in a considered way - you could have called her out in front of everyone. Not your fault she's seeing her arse over it.

Gazelda · 15/01/2020 19:33

YANBU. I'd leave the ball firmly in her court.

Highonpotandused · 15/01/2020 19:33

YANBU. I just wouldn't invite them anymore. What does DH want to do?

GabriellaMontez · 15/01/2020 19:33

Yanbu.

She will have re written history to the BIL

PanamaPattie · 15/01/2020 19:34

YANBU. She knows she was a twat and has convinced BIL to take her side. Just ignore them. It's no loss if you don't see them very often. MIL doesn't sound very nice at all.

Whynosnowyet · 15/01/2020 19:35

Let her huff.
Saves you having to invite her to anything else.
She sounds awful.

flouncyfanny · 15/01/2020 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WTF99 · 15/01/2020 19:38

She was undoubtedly in the wrong but 'read her the riot act' sounds a bit strong as an approach.

Retroflex · 15/01/2020 19:39

Who voted that YABU? Clearly they can't justify their opinion, as you were in no way bu!

Your bil taking your mother's side before getting all the facts says more about him than you!

Retroflex · 15/01/2020 19:40

taking his* mother's side

WhatIsThisFreshHell · 15/01/2020 19:42

@Highonpotandused Husband is with the PPs on this thread, feels she doesn’t deserve an invite back 🤣. I’m a bit (much) less hardcore. But have been thrown by the frostiness of that side of the family when I felt 1) that I was obviously right and 2) it had actually been discussed and resolved!

Glad to see the responses on here so far are suggesting I’ve not gone utterly mad!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 15/01/2020 19:43

Let her stew.

WTF99 · 15/01/2020 19:43

Did you see my post @Retroflex? Grin

WhatIsThisFreshHell · 15/01/2020 19:47

@WTF99 for sure she may feel I reacted too strongly. She probably does. But honestly I was so shocked and so cross, that afterward I was congratulating myself for only saying what I did (what I wrote in my OP). It was maybe... a wimpy reading of the riot act at best?! It’s hard to tell how you come across to others though. Possible she’d have a different story!

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 15/01/2020 19:55

How old is mil? My mil started doing stuff like this in her early 60's, it turned out to be the early signs of Alzheimer's. Your mil may have minimised to bil what she did.
Well done to your dh though.

WTF99 · 15/01/2020 19:57

I'm not saying you did anything wrong OP, but your suggestion for YABU was 'should have dealt with it differently' and given that she's now in a major huff with you, perhaps you should have.
Unless she's the sort to go into a huff at the slightest challenge.

WTF99 · 15/01/2020 20:03

I'm 60. At last I have an excuse to be loudly rude about people at parties ....

WhatIsThisFreshHell · 15/01/2020 20:09

No I don’t think it’s age related! She seems well in herself.

@WTF99 🤣 if you’re willing to be read the riot act - however strenuously- and barred I guess......

OP posts:
unlikelytobe · 15/01/2020 20:11

Well, now you know what she can really be like. I expect she feels admonished (quite rightly) and a bit embarrassed so has come out fighting, getting BIL on her side and generally putting a massive spin on the story. Can DH talk to BIL? Let her stew.

Retroflex · 15/01/2020 20:12

@WTF99 no I posted at the same time as you... And "reading her the riot act was done "mildly given the event occurring" so you don't get to pick the parts of the phrase you feel justify telling @WhatIsThisFreshHell she is being unreasonable...

Actually by only picking out part of her comment that you don't like, makes you're response unreasonable... Hmm

Elindab · 15/01/2020 20:19

It depends. Did you get her side of the story at the time? I think that another approach might have been to take her aside and say "what's going on?". To understand first, if it's something that's out of character. Maybe there's more to it that you don't know

Wereallsquare · 15/01/2020 20:19

YANBU. She sounds like a very small person. I think that her trying to get people on her side against you is in keeping with her small character. TG for your supportive husband.

letmebefrank · 15/01/2020 20:21

You did the right thing.

Do not apologise or cater to the huff or the silence from BIL. I'd suggest you both openly enjoy it, frankly.

WTF99 · 15/01/2020 20:21

If you want harmonious relationships in your family, I wouldn't advise letting her stew.
Sounds like she was clearly out of order at the event but I think unlikelytobe has got it spot on in that she feels admonished and embarrassed. Can you or dh maybe have a conversation with her to smooth it over a bit. I'd probs say something along the lines of 'Sorry if I came on a bit strong, but you were really out of order and I was very upset about it. Can we put it behind us now?'
Life's too short for feuding