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Original poster

To ask for advice for NT DD dealing with comments about SN DS?

61 replies

BouncingOnATightrope · 15/01/2020 12:22

DD (7) was upset about comments from other kids asking her why DS is weird, why her brother acts like a fool, why he pretends to be an animal etc etc. DS (10) has been assessed and borderline ASD, highly likely to have ADHD, dyspraxia. Wants to be friends with everyone, but everyone steers clear of him. Some of it is because the other children laugh, so he carries on etc.

He hugged and gave DD a kiss at break time. Another girl saw and laughed at her and kept on about it.

DD is quite sociable but feels a bit left out sometimes as we can't really invite kids over. For the past 4 years he's had therapy after school 3 times a week and she has to tag along and sit around. I can't take other kids out with us in case I have to chase him etc.

If I tell DS to stay away from DD at school, he'll be upset, won't understand why and be utterly alone. The children in DD's class are generally nicer and more willing to play with him than those in his class.

I'm not sure how to handle this and keep both happy.

OP posts:
blubberball · 15/01/2020 12:27

Maybe have a word with the school about it. Does your DD go to a young carers group? I have one nt ds and one sn ds, and my nt ds is classed as a young carer because of his sibling's disabilities. Just seems like the children all need more guidance and support when interacting at school.

TheFrenchLieutenantsMonkey · 15/01/2020 12:39

DD2 is NT and DD1 and DS both have a diagnosis of ASD. DD2 is the youngest. She says to anyone who asks that their brains are wired differently and they have a disability. Would they make fun of someone in a wheelchair? She's never had anyone say they would laugh at someone in a wheelchair. Will have to think of something for that response because there are 'those kids about sadly.

AgentProvocateur · 15/01/2020 12:42

As the NT child (well, adult now) with a SN sibling, please please make some time for your NT child to have friends over without her sibling in the house. Do you have a partner or parents who could go somewhere with your son so your DD could have a friend over? Or could she go to a friend’s house instead of therapy three times a week?

My childhood was dominated by my sibling’s needs, and the effects are lifelong. Sorry if this upsets you. I absolutely know that my mum did get best, as you are no doubt doing. But looking back, some time to see friends alone would have made a huge difference.

FreedomfromPE · 15/01/2020 12:46

My friend got support through a parenting group for children with ASD. Her two eldest are autistic, her youngest NT. It hasn't always been easy for her youngest, now late teens but she has cut her own path. If it helps her mum and I have found that the friends she does have tend to be genuinely supportive and sensitive, from fairly young and admittedly some have family members who need support themselves. I guess they "get it". It got easier at secondary school as they tend to meet at bowling or the cinema or shopping. The homelife is less intrusive and she could enjoy freedoms her siblings weren't ready for.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/01/2020 12:48

I think that 7 is old enough to be able to explain autism in terms of brains being wired differently. We have a book called I See Things Differently which helped my dd to understand a classmate with autism better. It's tough for your dd, but I'd encourage her to keep being kind to her brother. I would speak to the school too.

gaia · 15/01/2020 12:51

Just echoing what someone’s said above, I really recommend a sibling group for your daughter. At 7 she won’t have any comebacks for unkind comments but that’s okay.
I also really strongly agree that she needs to have some time that’s just for her and to be able to having friends over occasionally. I’m really aware that’s easier said than done but do you have a grandparent/aunt/babysitter that could take your son to therapy even once a month?

Original poster
BouncingOnATightrope · 15/01/2020 13:12

Does your DD go to a young carers group? no, never heard of one.

please please make some time for your NT child to have friends over without her sibling in the house.
That is not possible. I can hardly leave two 7 year olds alone whilst I take DS out!

Or could she go to a friend’s house instead of therapy three times a week?
She does occasionally. Her best friends mum will take her once a month, but there's a limit to the number of times I can invite her to someone's house without inviting back.

My friend got support through a parenting group for children with ASD nothing like that round here.

We've been told (by the psychiatrist he saw) not to say he has autism. Go for the "everyone is good at different things, everyone finds different things difficult" approach.

OP posts:
Easterndream · 15/01/2020 14:04

I know this may be difficult to hear but as an adult who grew up with a ASD sibling it is really important to check the balance within the family and not automatically put the person with Asd's needs above the NT. My parents did an amazing job but could not have known the long term affects that come from being always the one to compromise. The therapy 3x a week may be very beneficial to your son but having your daughter wait around so many times is risky to her well being. Do not underplay these issues just because they are not as evident as his. Often what can't be seen is as damaging as obvious distress.

JKScot4 · 15/01/2020 14:08

Could your DD not have a friend over and you can keep DS amused and out their way that way she gets to do something for herself. She will end up resenting him as so much revolves around him; appointments etc, she needs to be allowed to be a child too.

gypsywater · 15/01/2020 14:11

@TheFrenchLieutenantsMonkey the problem with that tho is the sister is then "outing" the brother as having a disability...what if the other children havent been told this explicitly?

Brefugee · 15/01/2020 14:13

it seems really hard on your DD, OP. Are you on your own or is their dad around? DD will feel really left out of everything if all you do is always geared towards your DS.

gypsywater · 15/01/2020 14:16

Also what if the brother doesnt himself know his diagnoses?

Excited101 · 15/01/2020 14:43

I’m gob smacked why the psychiatrist doesn’t want him knowing about his own diagnosis- especially when he has a decent sounding level of understanding. Is that standard? Could you get a second opinion on it? I’d have thought it would massively benefit both of them to have more concrete explanations and reasons for things.

gypsywater · 15/01/2020 15:07

@Excited101 This seems pretty standard :/

StarlightGold · 15/01/2020 15:17

ASD adult here. I was always told about my condition as soon I was Diagnoses (around 7). Not telling people is just going to make it even worse. When do are people told? At 18?? Hmm

gypsywater · 15/01/2020 15:29

I know some parents are against the idea of telling their children as they dont want them to feel "labelled" or are worried about bullying issues if/when the child tells fellow pupils about it :(

Knittedfairies · 15/01/2020 15:33

Another poster chiming in to say please don't let your son's needs trump those of your daughter. (I am the younger sibling of someone with significant needs and also mum to someone with similar issues, so I really do understand your difficulties)

Clymene · 15/01/2020 15:48

Does your son receive DLA? If he does (and he should) then you could use that to pay for a babysitter for him so that your daughter can have a friend over (am assuming you're a single parent)

gigglingHyena · 15/01/2020 16:11

In terms of difficulties I the playground at school, can you take it back to them. My children's primary was pretty good at the "everyone's different" lessons s and assemblies an the occasional s we had difficulties were quite happy to cover it in class without mentioning anyone specific.

I have to say we did go down the route of telling DS not to tag along with his big sister at breaktimes though. I also spoke to the parents of a couple of her close friends to let them know if their children were finding him hard work to let us know.

DS needed quite a bit of support to cope at breaktimes in face for a few years he didn't go out on the playground at all for the ,longer lunch breaks, he had some outside time with a smaller group at another time.

bialystockandbloom · 15/01/2020 16:35

How supportive is school? You could try talkimg to them about supporting ds to join in with his own peers so that he relies less on dd at break times. There are many things they can do, eg just the playground supervisors keeping an eye on him and if they see him on his own or hanging round dd they could subtly intervene to promote games he could play with his own classmates, or starting clubs at lunchtimes, or coming up with playground games.

At home, I agree that while it is so important to keep the therapy, also important for dd to have her own life. I've got a ds with asd and younger dd who is nt - it's been ok on the whole as they both have friends And activities separately but there can be a LOT of squabbling. I've always been on the lookout for a sibling support group for her but haven't found one yet. Ds is on the "mild" side of the spectrum so it's not always as clear cut or easy to explain to dd why he behaves as he does. She's 10 now and he's almost 13, so she understands more, but that doesn't mean she's always going to be patient and tolerant - and I wouldn't expect her to be, he (for reasons of asd as well as being a teenager Hmm and older sibling) can be horrible to her!

PotteringAlong · 15/01/2020 16:45

That is not possible. I can hardly leave two 7 year olds alone whilst I take DS out!

Is there no one who can take DS out? Or are you proposing that your DD literally never has any time with you / her friends for her entire childhood?

bialystockandbloom · 15/01/2020 17:11

Also agree that you might try every option for someone else to help take ds to the therapy so dd can have friends over or just hang out with you. Is their dad around? Any other family who could help? Or yes as a pp suggested, if you get DLA hire a babysitter to take him sometimes, even just once a week or fortnight. If you don't get DLA, apply!

Original poster
BouncingOnATightrope · 15/01/2020 20:19

Is their dad around? yes, it out the house from 530 - 620pm so not much practical help! MIL will take him out occasionally in the summer, but she has to travel 3 hours to get here.

School is not particularly supportive and take the view that it's not fair to force children to play with him. The only time they waived that was when he was injured and couldn't play out for a week two children were allowed to volunteer each day to stay in and play with him.

Could your DD not have a friend over and you can keep DS amused and out their way that way she gets to do something for herself.
If one of his sessions is cancelled, then I try to organise this. Not always possible at short notice but she gets "first refusal" if we do have free time at home.

The therapy 3x a week may be very beneficial to your son but having your daughter wait around so many times is risky to her well being
I know but we also do her activities twice a week (hence the never around at home!) and she's allowed the iPad for the ones she has to wait alone or I read/do something with her if he's in alone.

I’m gob smacked why the psychiatrist doesn’t want him knowing about his own diagnosis- especially when he has a decent sounding level of understanding. Is that standard?
I assumed so. But we are in the process of getting another referral if the appointment ever comes through and it is one of the things I want to ask about.

OP posts:
modgepodge · 15/01/2020 20:35

I would speak to the school. In my experience children at that age are pretty accepting of children who are ‘different’ - as long as the school has done the work to help with this. This may or may not include giving him a ‘label’ at school. It might just need a few assemblies and PSHE lessons on celebrating difference and being kind. Worth a try in my opinion.