To ask for advice for NT DD dealing with comments about SN DS?

[BouncingOnATightrope]

DD (7) was upset about comments from other kids asking her why DS is weird, why her brother acts like a fool, why he pretends to be an animal etc etc. DS (10) has been assessed and borderline ASD, highly likely to have ADHD, dyspraxia. Wants to be friends with everyone, but everyone steers clear of him. Some of it is because the other children laugh, so he carries on etc.

He hugged and gave DD a kiss at break time. Another girl saw and laughed at her and kept on about it.

DD is quite sociable but feels a bit left out sometimes as we can't really invite kids over. For the past 4 years he's had therapy after school 3 times a week and she has to tag along and sit around. I can't take other kids out with us in case I have to chase him etc.

If I tell DS to stay away from DD at school, he'll be upset, won't understand why and be utterly alone. The children in DD's class are generally nicer and more willing to play with him than those in his class.

I'm not sure how to handle this and keep both happy.

One word of advice I could give would be to be careful when explaining to siblings of ASD children the reasons behind behaviour and autism itself. As a child I was told that my sibling's brain didn't work in the same way as my own or most other people's. This was seemingly a clear explanation, and was clearly correct but my interpretation of it, as a young child was very black and white. I was very mature and obedient, and had no excuse not to be, my brain worked after all, but I remember not understanding the full range of NT defiant behaviour because it didn't fit into my black/white brain , NT/ not NT world. I began to understand this much later as an adult

Surely this is part of normal family life, that siblings get dragged to other siblings activities until they're old enough to go alone or stay at home?

Of course it is @BouncingOnATightrope

I can’t believe some of the things you’re being criticised for. But this is AIBU and you’re going to get a pasting no matter what you say or do.

I know it’s important for your DH to be present in his career as the sole wage earner, but does he not get annual leave?

This is bullying
It maybe subtle but children of that age should be aware that different is ok
I would look at the schools SEN and Bullying policy and speak to the class teacher and Head
There are youth groups for young carers ang SIBs which are very good and will help her realise she’s not alone in having a sibling who needs additional help

You said you'd feel bad sending your daughter to her friends' houses but not being able to invite back.

Can you not invite them round on a weekend? Send your son out with his dad or take him out yourself and leave dad at home supervising? Or take the girls out to a park/cafe?

Then you earn some "playdate credits" and can feel more confident about having your daughter go to her friends more often in the week and not have to sit in a waiting room three days a week.

What are your relationships like with the parents of your daughter's friends? Would you be able to be up front with them and ask if they'd be willing to take her more often midweek and you would be happy to do weekends? Or school holidays - if you are sahm and they work then they might be delighted to get some holiday playdates as child care cover.

The national autism society has some resources for siblings of different ages and links to support groups:
www.autism.org.uk/about/family-life/siblings.aspx

Some ideas:

• Could DD go to after school club instead of DS’s therapy? At least that way she sees friends. Appreciate this depends on whether you can get a therapy slot that fits within after school club hours.

• Could you possibly find a therapist who will come to the house (I am presuming his therapy is private), she could have a playmate over while he has therapy.

• Weekend playdates as a pp suggested. And school holidays. As Mojomoon says, you may find parents who are happy to swap having your DD in the week with you having theirs in the holidays/weekends.

• I would put more pressure on the school to find things DS can do at break time, if they’re not willing to ask other DC to play with him (which I can understand). I have a DD with SEN, she is allowed into the SEN rooms at break if she needs to get away for a bit, perhaps your DS could have a similar arrangement? Is there a friendship bench? Maybe set him a list of physical targets he can work on if he can’t find anyone to play with, eg X catches of a beanbag in a row. Again I don’t know if he would actually do this rather than going to find the younger DC, what do you think?

• As regards your DD’s response to other DC I would suggest she just says “It’s just the way he’s made”. Hopefully they are used to the idea that people are made differently. If the laughing keeps happening then report it, as pp says it is bullying if it keeps going.

If she says "that's the way hes made", would a risk be that it confirms and emphasises that he is "different"? Why not just say "he isnt weird...dont say that" etc?

I don’t think there’s a problem with acknowledging that he’s different - especially when he is undeniably different.

But I also disagree that his SEN should be a big secret... no food can come of that.

Food? Good, obvs 🙄

Your dh needs to take time off work to facilitate your dd having friends over.
Seriously?!? Do you actually know anyone in the real world who does this or is it just an of course, that's what I would do in that situation...

Yes, we have done it. When necessary. It’s vital.

Sorry, bold fail.

But yes, dh and I have not taken annual leave for a few hours, or adjusted working hours so as to finish earlier, in order to facilitate a dc attending an activity, having friends over, attending a school concert or sports day, going to a friend’s party... I’m baffled as to why you wouldn’t. It shows that your dd’s friendships aren’t a priority to you.