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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why don’t my friends reply to my text messages?

67 replies

BunnytheBlueWhale · 15/01/2020 09:50

This is fairly lighthearted but I am interested...

Friend A texts me to ask if I’d like to meet up. I say yes let me know when you’re free. She doesn’t reply. I text a week later to ask how she is. She doesn’t reply. Another week later she says sorry she hasn’t been in touch.

Same friend: Are you free to meet weekend of X? Me: Yes, currently no plans. When exactly did you have in mind? Friend: Haven’t heard from her since November.

Friend B. I emailed wishing happy new year, updating her on my life (with reason) and saying it’d be good to catch up. This after I texted her months ago and didn’t hear from her. She replied discussing life too and then suggested we meet up on X date. I agreed and suggested a time and place and asked if this works for her. No reply. That was a week ago and meet up is next week but I’m not convinced she will get back to me.

Sometimes I can take time to reply to messages but I am usually quite quick and make an effort if it is to confirm plans.

It can’t be that they're all so busy! Are they just not that into me?? Friend A posts on Facebook daily so she should have time to send a text...

I have got to a point where I am not chasing people and I haven’t bothered texting Friend A again but I gave her a lot of leeway as I know she’d had a tough year. However so have I and I still manage to think of her...

OP posts:

MiniEggAddiction · 15/01/2020 09:52

I don't know why they'd do that. I'd be tempted to say they just aren't that into maintaining the friendship but it's very odd to suggest a specific meet up then not reply. It would piss me off to be honest and I might not make much effort with them in the future.

sonjadog · 15/01/2020 09:56

I don´t know but I have a similar situation going on at the moment! Annoying, isn't it?!

IdblowJonSnow · 15/01/2020 10:00

Yanbu. Stop texting and invest your energies elsewhere.
I have a couple of friends like this, they are both genuinely flaky with everyone but it doesn't mean I have to tolerate so I generally dont!

BobbinThreadbare123 · 15/01/2020 10:00

This has always happened to me. I just assume they can't be arsed, then cool off accordingly. I'd like to meet them but I can't make anyone want to be my friend, even just for coffee.

FlowerArranger · 15/01/2020 10:07

Are they always like that, or could it be the case that they have something pretty overwhelming going on in their lives right now?

I'm normally very diligent about replying to messages, but I am currently dealing with some difficult issues. As a result I have been sitting on a couple of emails from friends for longer than is polite. I hope they'll understand...

letsdolunch321 · 15/01/2020 10:13

I no longer contact friends as these behaviours have happened before to me.

Basically if they contact me I reply, if not I cannot be arsed.

Original poster

BunnytheBlueWhale · 15/01/2020 10:22

it's very odd to suggest a specific meet up then not reply

Are they always like that, or could it be the case that they have something pretty overwhelming going on in their lives right now?

This friend has had a tough year and has occasionally texted saying sorry she hasn’t been in touch, she’s been feeling shit and then I reply and don’t hear from her again.

I know she’s having a tough time so I’ve made extra effort but I’m having a tough time too.

To give context with this particular friend; we both had babies at the same time last year. My baby died. She had a healthy baby but her husband left her just after she had him.

It’s not just about it her though.

I sometimes just feel like a more needy friend!

Annoying, isn't it?!

Yes, very!

Stop texting and invest your energies elsewhere

I just assume they can't be arsed, then cool off accordingly

I agree with this but at what point. I have known friend B for a long time but we rekindled a friendship in the last year or so (we lost touch, didn’t fall out). I replied to her email about meeting you. I feel I should have had a response by now. I think I’ll leave it and just message the day before if I haven’t heard and ask if she still wants to meet up but I’m hoping I don’t have to. I’ve noticed before she’s a bit rubbish with messaging.

OP posts:

Original poster

BunnytheBlueWhale · 15/01/2020 10:24

I just often feel like I’m the one whose got to text and then people take days to reply and it annoys me and makes me feel a bit insecure about the friendship!

I know I need to do what PPs say and leave the ball in their court a bit.

With Friend A though I am conscious she is struggling and maybe she is struggling more than I am. Just because I had a tough time too doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be the better friend if I’m the one capable of that right now? Or is she just not interested as she’s always posting crap online and probably seeing her other friends!

OP posts:

SameOldHorrorStory · 15/01/2020 10:25

I’m guilty of this. But I get it done to me too and I don’t mind it because I’m not someone that’s constantly attached to my phone. I also switch it to ‘to not disturb’ from time to time so I don’t get notifications when texted.

Original poster

BunnytheBlueWhale · 15/01/2020 10:30

I don’t mind it because I’m not someone that’s constantly attached to my phone

See I’m not constantly attached to my phone and I don’t do social media really but I manage to reply to most messages within 24 hours.

OP posts:

Urkiddingright · 15/01/2020 10:32

They’re flaky and rude. I had a friend like this once and I took it really personally until I discovered she did the same thing to someone else as well. Some people are just like this.

randominternetperson · 15/01/2020 10:34

I have a very similar situation playing out at the mo. I've archived the chat on WhatsApp and decided to not make further contact - I surmise she's just not that into me

katieak · 15/01/2020 10:34

Some people who suffer from anxiety / depression struggle to make plans or stick to plans because of their MH issues. They want to see you deep down but the thought of actually having to do it / leave the house / be in a busy place / make polite chat if you haven't seen each other in a while can be overwhelming. If your friend has had a hard time could this be a factor?

willothewispa · 15/01/2020 10:35

To give context with this particular friend; we both had babies at the same time last year. My baby died. She had a healthy baby but her husband left her just after she had him.

So sorry to hear about your baby maybe she's feeling awkward that seeing her and her baby might upset you and doesn't know how to handle it ? Either way, I think I'd look at moving on and making new friends.

willothewispa · 15/01/2020 10:36

X posted. What Katie said too.

Original poster

BunnytheBlueWhale · 15/01/2020 10:37

They’re flaky and rude

Yes!

I surmise she's just not that into me

I think that could be it with some friends. I don’t really have a best friend these days. I have a few good friends but they all probably have closer friends if that make sense. So I do sometimes think I need them more than they need me! But also I think people get into patterns where one of you makes more of the effort.

I when another friend, C, who replies to messages leisurely. Sometimes same day, sometimes not. She’s not flaky. But when she wants something she’ll text me and then, if I don’t reply immediately, she’ll message again “Bunny?” “Are you there?” I find it very annoying as she doesn’t reply to my messages immediately and I don’t expect her to!

OP posts:

Original poster

BunnytheBlueWhale · 15/01/2020 10:40

If your friend has had a hard time could this be a factor?

I honestly don’t know. I know she’s taking it hard and I’ve tried to make an effort. When she says that I just say that’s fine and to know I’m here if she wants to chat or pop over

So sorry to hear about your baby _ maybe she's feeling awkward that seeing her and her baby might upset you and doesn't know how to handle it

Thank you. I’m not sure that is it. I saw her a few weeks after we lost our baby and she has been over to my house with him and we've been out. I probably made more of an effort so she’d know that’s not a reason to stay away

But yes I’d definitely like to make new friends to be honest

When sometime big happens in your life, I think it does show you who your real friends are

OP posts:

MissCharleyP · 15/01/2020 10:42

I wondered if I’d typed this in my sleep!

I have a friend who does exactly this. We live about 150-200 miles apart. We both had a big birthday towards the end of last year, about three weeks apart. She messaged and asked if I’d like to meet up. I said yes and gave her the dates I was available (I work shifts 5 days out of 7, Sat & Sun EOW, she works Mon-Thurs). I was away for a week then back to work including weekends. She never replied. She then asked at the end of Nov when I’d got back from my holiday. I gave her my rest days and again got no response.

I can see from her SM that she goes out with other people who live near her and makes the effort to visit other friends who live in my area (as do some of her family). Travel isn’t as issue as I get free travel so I do it all and genuinely don’t mind. It hurts TBH, especially when she’s said she’s not free, then I’ve seen a post that’s something like “Love last minute meet ups” and the like. Nothing I can do though. I just don’t bother to get my hopes up now.

IntermittentParps · 15/01/2020 10:46

I hate this shit.

I used to get friends suggesting a meet-up and giving a choice of dates. I'd reply with my preferred date and a suggestion for a restaurant/film/whatever, get nothing back, then chase them gently. They'd respond 'Oh, I thought I'd replied' or ''Oh, I thought I was waiting to hear from you'

I got sick of it. Now if they drop out of contact I don't chase. Usually after their suggested dates have been and gone I get a sheepish message with an apology and the whole cycle starts again. We do usually manage to meet eventually.

I just don't see why I should be the fucking secretary and keep people's diaries and lives in order. I know people are busy and have things going on. The same is true for me. It's not an excuse.

MissCharleyP · 15/01/2020 10:47

Should also add, my friend IS constantly attached to her phone but if I’ve ever asked why she didn’t reply, the phone has always been “playing up” or she “left it at work”. Which is complete bollocks.

Motoko · 15/01/2020 10:50

What's especially annoying, is that they are the ones initiating the conversation and asking to meet up. If they can't be arsed to meet up, why ask in the first place?

OP, I don't think Ì'd bother with Friend A any more, other than small talk if she texts. If she mentions meeting up you could say whenever you try to fix a date, she never replies, or just say you're busy.

It appears that neither really want to meet up, but just mention it because they feel it's polite, although them asking about a specific date is odd. I expect you'll get posters saying they do this, and have every intention of meeting, but their lives are so busy, blah, blah, blah, but it would be better if they're honest and say although they'd love to, they just don't have time rather than getting your friend's hopes up, then mucking them about.

Straycatstrut · 15/01/2020 10:50

Wow you completely understand the whole social anxiety thing! I've done this to people and this is why - and there is much guilt that comes with it believe me. I lost some really good friendships due to my MH - but these people were really, really full on with meet ups and life updates and I couldn't handle it.

OP, if you're keen to keep these friendships - maybe try a message asking if A & B are okay and suggest a specific time and place, coffee shop? - say you don't have long, only an hour or so, so it's not too overwhelming. If they're anything like me they'd probably really, really appreciate that!

NightsOfCabiria · 15/01/2020 10:52

Youve become that reliable but unnecessary friend in your group I’m afraid OP. They simply dont value you highly enough to instigate contact for meet ups.

I’d stop bothering and find some proper friends.

for your loss.

Doobigetta · 15/01/2020 10:54

I have several friends who do this and I just can’t work out why. I suspect in their heads once a day has been agreed and they have a vague time in mind they think that’s all sorted. The same friends tend to take the piss out of me because I like to understand specific details like what time we are meeting and where and whether we’re planning to eat while we’re out.
The same friends often complain that they don’t get everything done and they don’t know where the weekend went. MOTWYW.

NightsOfCabiria · 15/01/2020 10:55

@Straycatstrut but these people post on social media about get togethers with others so its only an issue with meeting OP.

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