Why don’t my friends reply to my text messages?

[BunnytheBlueWhale]

This is fairly lighthearted but I am interested...

Friend A texts me to ask if I’d like to meet up. I say yes let me know when you’re free. She doesn’t reply. I text a week later to ask how she is. She doesn’t reply. Another week later she says sorry she hasn’t been in touch.

Same friend: Are you free to meet weekend of X? Me: Yes, currently no plans. When exactly did you have in mind? Friend: Haven’t heard from her since November.

Friend B. I emailed wishing happy new year, updating her on my life (with reason) and saying it’d be good to catch up. This after I texted her months ago and didn’t hear from her. She replied discussing life too and then suggested we meet up on X date. I agreed and suggested a time and place and asked if this works for her. No reply. That was a week ago and meet up is next week but I’m not convinced she will get back to me.

Sometimes I can take time to reply to messages but I am usually quite quick and make an effort if it is to confirm plans.

It can’t be that they're all so busy! Are they just not that into me?? Friend A posts on Facebook daily so she should have time to send a text...

I have got to a point where I am not chasing people and I haven’t bothered texting Friend A again but I gave her a lot of leeway as I know she’d had a tough year. However so have I and I still manage to think of her...

What's especially annoying, is that they are the ones initiating the conversation and asking to meet up. If they can't be arsed to meet up, why ask in the first place?
Yes, this is what mystifies me.

@MissCharleyP @IntermittentParps It is annoying and I am losing patience for it

@Motoko Exactly! If she doesn’t want to meet me, fine, but why text me and ask?

To be fair I didn’t reply to her last message as I couldn’t bring myself to. We have a group whatsapp with three of us including new and her and before Christmas she asked if we’d be free for a lunch before Christmas. I didn’t reply as I felt like saying “well I’d say yes but probably won’t hear from you again for three months!” and friend didn’t reply either. Like I say, it’s not just her though.

OP, if you're keen to keep these friendships - maybe try a message asking if A & B are okay and suggest a specific time and place, coffee shop?

I tried that once with friend A. She said she’s not free but can do week of X. I replied and didn’t hear from her again until the group chat. We didn’t even which one another a Merry Christmas or anything but I just thought why should I?!

Youve become that reliable but unnecessary friend in your group I’m afraid OP

Yes this is what it feels like. It is not one group though, separate friendships, which probably doesn’t help

My closest friends were from uni but don’t live near me. I’m still in touch with a couple of them but don’t see them often for it to be enough if that make sense

You sound like me @Doobigetta but what is MOTWYW

Oh, sorry- make of that what you will

Thanks all

I think I need to make less effort

Thing is, DH tells me to make more effort and that friendships take work etc, but it can’t be me doing all the work!

Considering what you’ve been through they are shit friends. It’s unimaginable. I would drop everything to honour/pinpoint a meet up with a friend (or acquaintance) who had lost a child.

It hurts because they aren’t behaving in a humane way. But feel absolutely entitled to take a huge step back from them.

Friendship is a 2 way street, you've done your part, the ball's in their court now. It also shouldn't be this hard.

What does DH think you should do? Go round their house and drag them out?

Oh yes he’s said go see them, especially if they’re having a hard time! I said no!!

if I don’t reply immediately, she’ll message again “Bunny?” “Are you there?” I find it very annoying as she doesn’t reply to my messages immediately and I don’t expect her to!

That absolutely drives me up the wall. Really does. Sorry I wasn't sat around waiting for your text so I can reply immediately! How dare I be busy doing other things?!

Haha, he hasn't seen the numerous threads on here with posters hating people just turning up!

What ‘generation’ are you? I wouldn’t expect a reply much sooner than a week or two later because I and most of my friends just don’t keep in touch by text. If it’s important I would ring someone. Otherwise I assume we all have lives to get on with. Unless someone is doing me a favour then it wouldn’t even register and I’m just pleased when I do hear back. But I went to university as mobiles were coming in so I never expected to contact friends that way.

Do they answer your calls? They sound really shit friends though considering what you’ve been through, they should of been there more for you.

DelurkingAJ, the OP isn't talking about general staying in touch but about trying to make specific plans like talking about meeting on a particular weekend or suggesting a meeting date. That's very different from just a 'hi, hope you're OK' text.

I have a friend a bit like this. She'll text once in a blue moon and say, "Let's have a catch up at the end of the month." I'll reply, "Yes definitely, what day are you free?" She'll tell me she'll let me know, and then I never hear from her. I've come to the conclusion that she thinks simply having the intention to meet up is as good as.

I would hate it too @Motoko! And so would my friends!

There was one friend in particular who I think was very down and a bit depressed but she wouldn’t answer my texts or calls. She has a partner so it’s not as if she’s rotting in her flat. The last time we’d met Id offered to go to her to her new house but she said no and explained she doesn’t want people there so when she didn’t reply to my messages after that what more can I do!?

And also as some PPs have acknowledged, I’ve had a shit time too, so not getting in touch for months is not really good enough for me to call you a friend!

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here and say its not necessarily as simple as if people don't get back to you they are shit friends. Its true that if someone consistently doesn't reply and is really flaky it is worth downgrading expectations. Particularly after what you have gone through.

But there are a variety of other explanations and nuances which I think people should consider, eg:

a) when I was in an abusive marriage I dreaded being invited to things because I knew that being able to attend would require weeks of lobbying my ex to agree to "looking after" our child with him refusing to commit and then almost invariable ducking out at the very last minute. I got to the point with it where I would just not respond as the prospect of the fights and logistical challenges made me depressed and made me want to avoid the bigger problem looking in my life, which is that I needed to dump my husband.

b) now I am no longer in an abusive marriage but happily single I have a related problem which is that in theory I'm free to do whatever I want without answering to anyone but because I don't have a husband or any other family, the cost of babysitting is extortionate. And I have to be careful to avoid back to back nights out.

c) a lot of people have social anxiety and struggle with maintaining friendships in a variety of ways.

d) some people work very hard and struggle to find time to schedule things in.

There are undoubtedly some flaky people who don't get back to their friends out of laziness or hedging of bets. But there are a large number of people who are struggling with other issues which may be invisible to you.

So don't be a pushover but don't write people off too quickly without considering what else may be going on in their lives. And be open to picking things up after the fact. People change, their situations change and sometimes they reappraise the things/people they value.

@thepeopleversuswork

I get that there are reasons not to reply but I know for many of them most of these don’t apply. These people might be single or the ones with children are welcome to bring them - that’s the basis on which we’ve met before. They don’t just not have time because they are on Facebook etc and are out with other people.

PS I work hard and I still manage to make time for friends. I hate the “im too busy to...” We all have the same number of hours in a day.

There is possibly an anxiety issue but for some I know that’s definitely not the case either.

So some of them definitely have just been shit friends!

BUT we are not just talking about now and I know some people are just a bit more flaky, less reliable, forget to reply...

I am open to picking things up with any of them. I’m just not chasing. I don’t know what’s going on in their lives but I have no way of finding out if they ignore my messages... Incidentally they don’t know how I’m doing even knowing one rubbish thing has happened in the past 12 months../

So I don’t come to these conclusions quickly. It gets to a point where it is either that they are shit friends or we are just not as close as I thought

I'm afraid i'm the friend who takes days to reply, i treat my phone as a phone, it stays in my bag untill i need to call someone. I often dont take it from handbag for 2-3 days, have to remember to check battery, this will probably be late at night and then its to late to message someone. i hate driving and phone conversations with handsfree so refuse to use phone in car. At work i'll hear ping from text, whatsapp etc and calls as bag beside me, but if im at a meeting i dont come back and check my phone as work calls divert to work phone, but evening times i will often leave bag in another room.

I used to get all sorts of calls & emails from work, about 10 years ago i decided to ignore them and then got in habit of ignoring other people,i thought it was more important to focus on family, routines etc, now i just like to have a coffee in peace, having my phone by me all the time takes away from that. My good friends know how to contact me and know ill reply quicker to messenger than say text, but also i have a lot of friends who's whole text conversations are all about making plans that they will probably change or cancell, i think its often just a sign off, or a keeping in touch text to say " we should meet up next week are your free?" is meaningless to them, my best friends the ones i really want to meet are the ones i actually call aor they call me and make the arrangements with.

See I’m not constantly attached to my phone and I don’t do social media really but I manage to reply to most messages within 24 hours.

I sometimes don’t reply to a message for days, even if I’ve read the message I just don’t see the need, unless it’s a question that needs answering, to reply straight away. As you can imagine, I’m terrible in WhatsApp groups.

@thepeopleversuswork but in this case, these friends were the ones who invited OP out, but when OP tried to confirm a time and date, they went silent.
So what you are describing is completely different. It's not OP inviting them out.

@SameOldHorrorStory well, there is a question that needs answering! They ask OP if she wants to meet up, OP says yes, when and what time, and then they don't reply!

Are people not reading the posts properly?

@Motoko
I feel like I will come across as totally selfish here but this doesn't sound unusual to me. I do this and have had this done to me. I don't see it as a big deal.

Someone asks to meet and you reply yes and then the meet (and next text) is arranged closer to the time when we're both able to. Obviously if someone said are you able to meet at 5pm today and the other person said yes and then they just stopped replying and didn't show up, that would be rude. But there are many conversations I've had when it goes like:

Should we get together soon?

Yeah, that would be good.

Let me know when you want to.

Ok.

And then no further text messages until the time has come, or near. I have been "told off" by a few friends for this and do genuinely try and reply to texts more quickly but I don't want my phone in my hand all the time. If I was sure a text would be sufficient I would gladly text a reply straight away but then getting a reply back with a question or a text expecting a response and I only really text them in the first place because I had a short bit of time and bothered to answer the text and don't want to get in conversation? No.

That’s very frustrating, and I guess you’ll never know why they don’t respond.

I have a friend who suggests plans, but then doesn’t respond, or says she is too tired to meet. But on Facebook she will be out the next day with other friends. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Maybe they're busy?

I find it difficult to reply back to friends when I've got other stuff going on.

I'm in exactly the same position OP, got so fed up with the 'we must meet up soon' to no avail all last year from one, and 'i miss you sooo much' but never replying when i ask when shes free from another.

So i stopped texting them in early November, (a 'friend' cull) and guess what, havent heard from them since even though they know i would've had my biopsy results by now..

Upsetting, but i'm sick of chasing people,and im sick of people thinking they're so much busier, when i've got 4 jobs, a DS, make stock for 2 shops and am single, so no support.. yet still find time for people that matter!

I'm just going to get on with my life however lonely..there is such a thing as self worth. I would suggest you do the same OP