To think I can't get out of this mess?

[surelyitcantgwtworsethanthis]

I am not sure what I am hoping to achieve from this, but I know I need help or I'm going to sink and fast. On the outside my life is envious, big house, lovely husband, brand new promotion in the field I want to work in, great salary. But all I want is to be a mum and it won’t happen with you explanation. Rounds of failed IVF have left me angry and bitter. I have a lovely DSS (teen), but the relationship is strained as he blames me for his dad leaving his mum (not true) and I find it difficult to ‘parent him’ if I so much ask him to put a glass in the sink, he is straight on the phone to his DM to be collected, claiming that I am a bully. He will often refuse to visit the house if I am home, which only adds to my feeling of complete isolation. He is trying to push me out my own home and frankly succeeding. I feel completely broken. I cry my way to work in the morning, not just cry but full on sobbing. A work colleague called me yesterday and his warm tone on the phone made my bottom lip drop desperate to cry, to tell him I need help. DH just thinks we need to keep moving forward and not let it consume us. That at least we have each other, that we can’t let it destroy us. So I internalise all the pain. Train in the gym to the point of exhaustion or vomiting, it’s the only thing that makes me feel strong and motivates me to hold on a little longer. So I’m stuck in a pit of utter misery. I can’t talk to my mum as I need to be strong for her as my dad is just recovering from surgery. My DSis is too busy with her 3 kids, her DH who travels overseas and her career. She was too busy to even send gifts at Christmas. Out of my BF’s they all have their own shit going on, one is planning her dream wedding, other is newly pregnant (so avoiding me) and the other is recovering from an auto immune illness and finally getting to study and get her life back. I am desperate to find light somewhere but it’s not forthcoming. AIBU to think I’ll get through this or should I let go and let it consume me?

Seems your blinded by your need for a child that it's making you stay with your husband even though you aren't happy.

Your dss doesn't want to like you. He doesn't want to build bridges, or engage with you. You can't do anything about that, you said yourself, you have tried everything. But, he needs to have some manners around you or get out. You need to lay down the law to your dh, and he needs to deal with his son. Being polite to you is the absolute minimum, no ifs, buts or maybes. I do think you should talk to your mum, I would be gutted to think that my DD couldn't talk to me if she was feeling the way you do, no matter what I had going on in my own life. Stand up for yourself, talk to someone, and mind yourself.

It's sad that you feel you can't confide in friends and family because they have their own problems - that's not a reason not to share yours.

I would be gutted if friends and family didn't share with me due to having my own problems, it wouldn't be in any way a kindness, and if they confused on me it would make me feel better about confiding in them too. A win win.

Confiding your feelings and problems with others doesn't mean you are dumping on them or looking to them to solve things for you. Lean in for emotional support and if you really can't do this make sure you are getting professional counselling support

How can you describe your stepson as lovely when he sounds like a major pain in the arse? Is this your definition of lovely?
Just being curious...

He throws cushions around when he is bored? He needs to grow up a bit. My kids still throw cushions but they are young.

Back to crying on my way to work.
At least I've managed to tell my mum how bad I'm feeling

Did she have anything useful to say?
The conversation you need to have is with your husband.

You need to set out your position very clearly:
You are not happy.
You are stressed out - over the lack of pregnancy and your step-son's appalling lack of respect for you.
You are crying on the way to work, fgs - this isn't right!

TELL him this. If his response is anything other than "I'm sorry, I'll talk to DS, I'll sort it out" then you REALLY need to consider whether you want to stay in this relationship. Your stepson isn't going to go away - but his behaviour HAS to be managed better and if your husband isn't going to achieve that, then you are not ever going to see an improvement in your life situation.

You can't go on like this :(

My sister called out of the blue. Without going into details it was so uplifting, it was a normal chat but it just clicked.
Assuming mum is rallying the troops, whatever she is doing is working.
DH walked to my fave pub with Ddog (who is my utter heartbreak baby, bought to stop me killing myself. Sorry if that is crass but it's true) met me there after work with my favourite wine waiting for me.
It's not fixed by a long shot but it's brighter ....., I've stepped back from the ledge metaphorically speaking.

Glad you are doing better now, OP.

I suggest you make a list of things that make you feel better. Do those whenever you need a lift. Take care of yourself until this bad time with DSS passes. I was actually going to suggest steering clear of DSS for now.

Since your DH is not allowing you a say over what DSS does when he is there, my tactic would be to make an oasis in my home for myself whenever he’s there. Be polite and kind, but otherwise don’t engage. Do your own thing.

Because your DH is choosing how to raise DSS and is going through divorce derangement syndrome where parents feel guilty for splitting and literally spoil their children through overindulgence. You can’t do much about that.

It’s bullshit that DSS’ mom is complaining about you staying in your room and that her comments are passed on to you. I’d tell DH that he is not to share her complaints about you anymore; her opinions are not your problem and she doesn’t get to dictate or judge what you do in your own home.

This bad time will pass. I’m glad your DH is sweet to you and that you have family support.

It's often just a couple of kind gestures that restore your faith a bit.
Glad things are looking a bit brighter OP.
One step at a time.

I HATE saying this but DSS won't come at the minute and I'm grateful. Just had a ridiculous dinner (bread, chips, beans and fish fingers) and a large glass of wine. DH is watching cricket and I'm stretched out watching Netflix.
We've planned a lovely breakfast after parkrun then training together in the evening tomorrow. The darkness is lifting. I know it's not resolved, DH needs to work with DSS. But for now I'm stepping away from that.

At least I've managed to tell my mum how bad I'm feeling

My sister called out of the blue.

Assuming mum is rallying the troops, whatever she is doing is working

DH walked to my fave pub with Ddog... met me there after work with my favourite wine waiting for me.

All this is really positive and I hope it is helping you to feel less isolated. You should never assume other people are too busy or too distracted with their own problems to lend an ear to those they love.

I know it's not resolved, DH needs to work with DSS.

Yes, and I hope DH has recognised this too.

I also hope your spirits continue to lift. Keep posting here if it's helping.

Don’t feel bad! Even the bio parents feel like that about their teens sometimes.

Sending positive vibes op.
Chill back on the gym.
Getting pg worked better when I wasn't as skinny

That's great OP, I'm so happy you confided in your mum, it's the way to strengthen relationships. Enjoy the support of your loved ones.