To think I can't get out of this mess?

[surelyitcantgwtworsethanthis]

I am not sure what I am hoping to achieve from this, but I know I need help or I'm going to sink and fast. On the outside my life is envious, big house, lovely husband, brand new promotion in the field I want to work in, great salary. But all I want is to be a mum and it won’t happen with you explanation. Rounds of failed IVF have left me angry and bitter. I have a lovely DSS (teen), but the relationship is strained as he blames me for his dad leaving his mum (not true) and I find it difficult to ‘parent him’ if I so much ask him to put a glass in the sink, he is straight on the phone to his DM to be collected, claiming that I am a bully. He will often refuse to visit the house if I am home, which only adds to my feeling of complete isolation. He is trying to push me out my own home and frankly succeeding. I feel completely broken. I cry my way to work in the morning, not just cry but full on sobbing. A work colleague called me yesterday and his warm tone on the phone made my bottom lip drop desperate to cry, to tell him I need help. DH just thinks we need to keep moving forward and not let it consume us. That at least we have each other, that we can’t let it destroy us. So I internalise all the pain. Train in the gym to the point of exhaustion or vomiting, it’s the only thing that makes me feel strong and motivates me to hold on a little longer. So I’m stuck in a pit of utter misery. I can’t talk to my mum as I need to be strong for her as my dad is just recovering from surgery. My DSis is too busy with her 3 kids, her DH who travels overseas and her career. She was too busy to even send gifts at Christmas. Out of my BF’s they all have their own shit going on, one is planning her dream wedding, other is newly pregnant (so avoiding me) and the other is recovering from an auto immune illness and finally getting to study and get her life back. I am desperate to find light somewhere but it’s not forthcoming. AIBU to think I’ll get through this or should I let go and let it consume me?

Why isn't leaving an option? What is an option, because you seem determined to continue like this.

Your friends and family are not too busy or selfish to support you but you won't allow them to. You've decided for them that they can't offer you any support. I bet your mum would be gutted to know you needed her help but didn't tell her.

Your husband can tidy up, he's taking the piss out of you. Quality time with a teenager means he can't pick up his mess ok then

surelyitcantgwtworsethanthis Wed 15-Jan-20 09:17:49
Leaving my DH is not an option.
.......
Why?

Leaving my DH is not an option.
.......
Why?

———————

Might be to do with the ‘big house’ and maintaining the appearance of the ‘envious life’.

I understand your DH wants his DS to feel happy and at home with him but he also needs to parent and teach his son how to behave. You might need to find a common line probably with some compromises - eg dirty glasses in kitchen not great but not a major issue; bad language, emotional blackmail not acceptable and will enforce etc - and then both stick to it.

IVF - been there, it was a horrendously difficult time. Exercise is good but not if health damaging, and it’d be good if you can find a few different things you enjoy.
Your workload alone would kill me but guess it’s unavoidable with the promotion?

This sounds terrible. I think for a start you need a break. Maybe take a week off work and go to a yoga retreat or spa retreat and just pamper yourself. A week away will do you wonders.

I agree with previous posters, your DH and your unwillingness to shatter the facade of your life is the issue, and possibly why counselling hasn't helped so far.

You need some real courage. And it's hard.

The DSS just sounds like a messy teenager and I think with teenagers you just pick your battles. Or in OP's case, put the responsibility on the parent to pick the battle and use coping mechanisms to ignore the messiness. He's not pushing you out of your home; he'll be too self centred to even think about the impact of his behaviour on anyone else. Your DH needs to step up and deal with this. I don't think the DSS is the cause of the problem here.

OP, I would try again with a counsellor/therapist that you do gel with. I'd also let close friends/family know that you're not coping as well as you've allowed them to think you are. I'd be devastated if a DC, DSibling or close friend was in such an awful place and didn't feel able to tell me.

@surelyitcantgwtworsethanthis you mentioned that you had been to the doctors and they only offered medication - please don't discount meds without trying them. They aren't the be all and end all but they may help you see the wood for the trees - at least that's what they did for me. I hadn't been through anything like you have but reached rock bottom and went on Citalopram 20mg. They weren't a miracle cure but helped me get the thoughts and emotions and feelings into some sort of order which in turn made them easier to deal with,

You don't need to leave your DH. You just need to stand up for yourself. A person with a penis being mardy is not a reason to be a doormat. You can allow a man and a boy to be pissed off with you. Furthermore you can choose do exactly fuck all about making them feel better. They get the hump because you told DSS to keep your house tidy or speak to you politely or not sulk, yeah, so? Bad behaviour should result in them feeling crap. DSS likes to play the adults off against each other. Don't play.

You mention the extreme training
Often does hand in hand with an eating disorder? This can amplify a bad situation to an enormous extent.

I think you need to separate the two issues.

What are your plans for TTC? I’ve had friends go through egg donation, surrogacy and adoption? Are you going to continue with IVF?

With regard to your SS. I think you need to talk to his dad that this isn’t ok and his dad needs to talk to his mum that she can’t pick him up for every telling off he gets. All three of you need to be on the same page.

It’s easy to feel like everything is shit, so writing down specific problems and trying to find specific solutions to them is the only way forward.

Also, I agree to look into therapy and maybe even antidepressants.

lovely husband ... But all I want is to be a mum and it won’t happen with you explanation. I have a lovely DSS (teen), but the relationship is strained as he blames me for his dad leaving his mum (not true) ... if I so much ask him to put a glass in the sink, he is straight on the phone to his DM to be collected, claiming that I am a bully. He will often refuse to visit the house if I am home

Right, well, neither your dss nor your dh is lovely. They both sound horrible.

You have a dh problem. He needs to step up and parent his manipulative son. Sit him down and say you are working as a team. Dh needs to be clear that while DSS is at yours he plays his part in tidying up and looking after his room. You are to be obeyed as much as his dad. Any rudeness to you, dh comes down on him like a ton of bricks. If he calls his mum and sobs to her, he can just go home and cme back when he's learned some manners.

If leaving your dh isn't an option, what are you prepared to do?? Have you tried talking to your dh and telling him how unhapy you are? If so, what was his reply?

Are you hanging on with dh in the hope of getting pg? Because this is not an ideal situation to bring a baby into. Money is not everything!! And the stress you're under will be preventing you from conceiving.

You have SO much on your plate. Its perfectly understandable that you're struggling, especially given that the place where you should be most able to relax and have support is currently a major source(s) of that stress.

I'm glad you have one thing that gives you an outlet but I also just want to note that exercising until you vomit is not healthy. nevertheless at the moment it's a helpful prop.

I agree with the others that your H is being the problem, in not dealing with it. It's not okay that a teenage child is ruling the roost via tantrums. It's not parenting his son properly, who needs healthy boundaries, even when he's hurting about his parents splitting up. His stepmother is not there to be his emotional punchbag. That's not raising a soon to be young adult who can cope with life's challenges and disappointments - how will he deal with his first job when his boss says no to a holiday request or tells him off for being late? How will he handle a girl saying no to a sex act? Adults who sulk and strop and leave when they don't get away with everything they want to do their way are abusers. The kindest thing your husband and his ex can do is to give him edges - put your glass in the sink and your washing in the laundry basket is hardly a newsworthy boundary. In can see why dad thinks don't sweat the small stuff but he's not taking into account how very stressful it is for you, and the fact that it's more than don't sweat the small stuff, it's tiptoe around the teen so we don't set him off - that's very different.

How old is the DSS? And how old are you? Is he resentful towards you about maybe being too young to be in charge of him?

Did you get together with your partner desperate for a family 'of your own'? He could well sense this and feel as though he's being pushed out in favour of a biological child.

I used to be this woman - big house, flash cars, lots of money, but dying inside. If ALL you really want to be is a mother to your own child, have you considered adoption? If IVF is failing, could it be your own body protecting you? You do sound as though you're placing all of your focus on getting pregnant and this annoying DSS in your way (agree he could well be annoying, not saying he isn't)

Getting pregnant is very stressful if it's not happening and with the extra stress of DSS I'm not surprised you're about to blow.

Did you take the meds your GP offered, OP?

You desperately need help, but all the help you could have, you wont accept or wont try to access ? Do you think you don't deserve it ?

You could try the medication - it might help
You could try counselling again - it might help

You could talk to friends and family - it might help

Keeping going as you are isn't helping is it ? Only really pushing yourself hard with exercise gives you any reprieve, but you can't do that for all your waking hours so you need to give in and accept some other form of help.

Internalising all your pain isn’t good. You can suppress it temporarily but it’ll always pop back up, and often be even worse for being suppressed. Let it out - speak to someone.

Extreme exercise sounds almost like a form of self-harm. I understand that it blocks out the pain but I don’t think it’s good long term. A relaxing form of exercise, yes. Although you might roll your eyes at this, when I was under extreme stress I found Tai Chi a lifesaver. It both relaxed and empowered me.

I agree with the PP who said you need to separate out the issues and make a plan. Making a plan is taking back some control. It sounds like TTC is the main issue so make a plan for that - your options, things that might help.

Could you take some time off work to make that plan and to relax and wind down a little? A space to breath a little?

Agree you need to get tougher on your dh and let his son go off if that's what he wants to do.
Could you try a different counsellor?
And if your friends are tied up at the moment can you do an evening class or a new hobby to meet some new people/try something you'll enjoy?

Hugs. Just hugs.

When I was struggling with miscarriage my friend gave me the name of a counsellor who specialises in conception/pregnancy related. Never ended up using them but she did and said they were great. Happy to pass on details if you want to PM me. Apparently she does Skype sessions. X

You stated that all you want to be is a mum. To give practical advice is the ivf due to male factor infertility, female factor or unexplained? Could egg or sperm donation be considered if that would increase your chances of conceiving?
Your DSS needs to stop his nonsense and behave in your house, your DH needs to teach him manners, would he put up with him treating the place like a hotel if he was still with the boy's DM? It's doing him no favours to let him get away with this.

I'm sorry that you're going through all this. When our first IVF round failed, I thought I'd never be happy again and when we did more and more failed rounds, I became so angry at the unfairness of it all that I couldn't be around anyone who was pregnant. I know that all sounds horribly depressing but I wanted to say that it didn't last - there was a day after the first round where a stupid TV programme made me laugh and I realised that I wasn't completely miserable anymore. I can only tell you the things that helped me get to that point, after the first cycle and after every other failed cycle too.

• my husband and I were kind to each other. If we didn't feel we could go to a Christening or a baby shower, we made an excuse and stayed at home. We made up secret 'escape' signals so that if one of us was struggling, the other could get us out of the situation. We cooked our favourite foods, watched old episodes of Parks and Rec or Community and made time for a weekly date night together.

• we researched all our options. We knew how important it was for us to have a family and recognised that it could happen in other ways. We went to an adoption evening, looked into more IVF abroad, found out about egg, sperm and embryo donation and about surrogacy. We talked to the specialist counselor at our IVF clinic (have you tried this? I hated the idea of therapy, of being patronised and forced to talk about my feelings but the counselor we spoke to was very fact focused and so easy to talk to. She also didn't suggest drugs; instead she validated the anger and hurt we were feeling and that helped us move past it) We talked about what could work for us as a couple and I finally let go of the picture perfect life I'd been planning since my teens (no one's life is ever really like the movies!).

• we found other things to enjoy that weren't child focused. It sounds like you already enjoy running but perhaps you could find a hobby or activity both you and your husband would enjoy? After our 4th failed cycle, we got a partial refund and we spent the money on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday that would have been completely impossible with a baby in tow. Most importantly, we refused to feel guilty about not immediately funneling it back into more fertility treatments! Around the same time, we stopped putting so many restrictions on our lives, 'just in case'. I got tipsy for the first time in years, we stopped spending a fortune on weekly acupuncture and my husband stopped taking the proxeed which he hated the taste of! It didn't mean we'd given up (and we've had more fertility treatment since) but we stopped making not having a baby the thing that defined our entire lives.

I hadn't realised how long this message is (sorry!) and I know that lots of what worked for us might be completely useless to you but I wanted you to know that you don't have to keep feeling like you have no option other than to carry on being utterly miserable and hiding it from everyone.

Again not useful as all the offered was meds
I think meds might help you here!
Have you even considered or tried them?
Crying every day and being unable to cope is not good.
It will not change.
This is an issue and if therapy hasn't helped then meds might just get your brain re-balanced so you can refocus.
All this depression and tears can't be helping with TTC either.
Have you looked at all options for DC?
Adoption?

Fostering?
Overseas adoption?
Surrogate?

You could also do with some couples counselling. Your DH needs to step up with his DS. You need somewhere neutral where you can discuss this. He needs to 'parent' his DS. He cannot always be a Disney dad. That is clearly not working!

Also, maybe a bit of reading?
Something like THIS??

Worth a go surely?

If you have a big house why is the sofa being slept on?
Do you have a private space you can retreat to, and just leave them to slob out, then refuse to tidy after them so your DH has to parent his child?

it sounds tough OP @surelyitcantgwtworsethanthis

I would not recommend you leaving your DH based on the post
But you need some help - whether it is only you or as a couple, that might require more info

Money is important and you have it all in other aspects of life, which is great! But it does not mean they can compensate for your desire of having a child

I only heard very bad stories about adoption in the UK, so that might not be an option. Maybe once you are in a better mindset the IVF works.

Handhold - it sounds really tough!

I am so very sorry you are going through this. And I absolutely get that you may love your DH and that leaving him is 'not an option' because you love him and get along with him well other than when your DSS is concerned. There is no such thing as ideal marriage - there is always something we wish our partners did differently (and vice-versa: I am sure our partners wish the same about us), but if you love each other, there is no abuse and your communication is good - then I wouldn't consider leaving my husband over one issue either.

Your DH is in a sensitive situation and he may not be swimming great in those waters because he is still looking for the best way to balance his relationship with his son and teaching him some manners. It is difficult for him as well. I don't agree with posters who are quick to say you should leave your husband or even imply that you're with him for 'envious life'. I would speak to him and explain how DSS makes me feel, though and try to devise a plan of action together.

My DH and I went through a similar rough patch. We desperately wanted kids but it just wasn't happening. Inseminations, IVFs, treatments, countless injections, pills etc. We had 4 losses and at one point, lost all hope. That was our darkest moment as a couple. It affects you in a way you never thought it would. But at no point, regardless of some issues that emerged in that period, did I consider leaving him. He was still the same loving, gentle person I knew - he was just struggling as I did, only his struggle was expressed differently. We too couldn't face Christenings and visiting friends with babies and came up with so many excuses as to why not to go see friends with small kids.

What helped was deciding that we will focus on us. That we will stop 'living to procreate' and start just living our lives, enjoying each other and our marriage. We also accepted that having a biological child may never happen to us - there are more ways than one to become a parent. We took a 'year off'. Decided we will give ourselves that time to reenergize, spend our money on travel and fun instead of IVF and just generally try to find ourselves again. Ironically (And I wish you this from the bottom of my heart), without a medical explanation since I went off all the meds, that was the year we spontaneously conceived and our DD was born. It doesn't happen for everyone, i know, and I thank our lucky star every day - but it DOES happen. But even if it doesn't, I firmly believe we would have felt 1000 times better and more ready to consider and pursue other options in our battle with infertility.