To think I can't get out of this mess?

[surelyitcantgwtworsethanthis]

I am not sure what I am hoping to achieve from this, but I know I need help or I'm going to sink and fast. On the outside my life is envious, big house, lovely husband, brand new promotion in the field I want to work in, great salary. But all I want is to be a mum and it won’t happen with you explanation. Rounds of failed IVF have left me angry and bitter. I have a lovely DSS (teen), but the relationship is strained as he blames me for his dad leaving his mum (not true) and I find it difficult to ‘parent him’ if I so much ask him to put a glass in the sink, he is straight on the phone to his DM to be collected, claiming that I am a bully. He will often refuse to visit the house if I am home, which only adds to my feeling of complete isolation. He is trying to push me out my own home and frankly succeeding. I feel completely broken. I cry my way to work in the morning, not just cry but full on sobbing. A work colleague called me yesterday and his warm tone on the phone made my bottom lip drop desperate to cry, to tell him I need help. DH just thinks we need to keep moving forward and not let it consume us. That at least we have each other, that we can’t let it destroy us. So I internalise all the pain. Train in the gym to the point of exhaustion or vomiting, it’s the only thing that makes me feel strong and motivates me to hold on a little longer. So I’m stuck in a pit of utter misery. I can’t talk to my mum as I need to be strong for her as my dad is just recovering from surgery. My DSis is too busy with her 3 kids, her DH who travels overseas and her career. She was too busy to even send gifts at Christmas. Out of my BF’s they all have their own shit going on, one is planning her dream wedding, other is newly pregnant (so avoiding me) and the other is recovering from an auto immune illness and finally getting to study and get her life back. I am desperate to find light somewhere but it’s not forthcoming. AIBU to think I’ll get through this or should I let go and let it consume me?

Your husband should be teaching his son to clean up after himself. I was taught to do so age 9 ffs. It's disrespectful of both of them leaving you with mess like that.

Your DH needs to parent your DSS properly. Being a Disney Dad to him doesn't help him in the long run.
Is there much bad blood between your DH and DSS's mum? Because this business of running home to mummy every minute he's asked to do anything is unutterably ridiculous, and neither of his parents should be facilitating it.

That's just that bit but I can see how it's affecting you dreadfully, partly because of your own situation - you want more than anything to be a mum but this child is rejecting you in every way, which must hurt so much - and in the meantime you're struggling with getting pregnant yourself.

I think your DH is being unhelpful in failing to understand the depth of your feelings here and he needs to wake up to it before you do "break" under the weight of it all.

He needs to have a talk to DSS's mother and they need to work out a better plan on how to deal with the situation with DSS so he has less control over you all - it's not healthy for him to be in that position of power.

Teens are both sensitive and insensitive, that’s what makes them frustrating. He will be sensitive if you point out his faults but insensitive to your problems.
I was at a hen do once where the moh absolutely hated me and tried to alienate me in within the first hour. I rang my dd in tears and she told me not to take any shit. For the next two days I literally was sickly sweet to this girl. I admired her clothes, I praised her organisational skills, she had no way to be rude without looking awful as I was so nice to her.
Try it with the teen. Tell him you’re so pleased he’s visiting, that you love being a happy family with him, his mum is doing such a good job, he is so smart. He will be totally bemused and if he is rude or sulks he will look much worse as you’re being so nice.
Don’t parent him just say in our home, your dad and mine we don’t leave mess. Emphasise it is your home and you’re not leaving.
Eventually he’ll get the message that he cannot divide you.
And get a cleaner and make your dh pay or better still take 20% off dss pocket money to help cover it.
Good luck. And take care of yourself, be a bit selfish.

I love what Aneley said.

Op why is leaving not an option? At the very least it sounds like you need to take some time away by yourself to be able to really look at things from a fresh perspective and see if this is really what you want for the rest of your life.

Some really good advice here re: therapy, getting DH to sort things out etc
I just wanted to add a side note on the fertility front - extreme exercise can actually affect your fertility (negatively), it is recommended to be a little chubby to help conception. The muscles need to be relaxed, likewise you need to try to be in a relaxed place mentally... I'd recommend the books It Starts With An Egg and Zita West on IVF.. they both advocate not exercising too much. Good luck with it all!
I do hope one of your sisters can support you too xx

Firstly, there are lot of different things here, which have all snowballed into the 'big mess' you feel you are in.

The IVF is one issue and must be very painful.

Your DSS is another one.

And your DH (and his lack of support/actually helping to parent his son in terms of clearing up his mess around the house and awful attitude to you) is yet another.

Add them all together, and it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed.

Speaking to a professional will help you unpick it all.

But from what you've said in terms of

Leaving my DH is not an option

Been there done that in terms of counsellors

It doesn't sound as if you are willing to accept any advice. So what do you want us to do? Wave a magic wand?

Something has to give or you will break.

Stop clearing up after his ungrateful child. Treat yourself to a weekend away with girlfriends next time he stays over. Leave them to wallow in their own mess for a few days.

But please do seek help in real life and start making a plan going forwards. Put yourself first, not your DH and not your DSS.

Conceiving is the hardest journey I’ve ever been on. Lots of love

@surelyitcantgwtworsethanthis

Wholeheartedly agree with those who urge that your DH talks [calmly] to "D"SS to try to see if some general improvement in that area can me made. Small steps may improve the whole situation slowly. Please do not consider any precipitate steps!

Hi. It’s tough to live the dream. I always think real adulting is understanding that no one has a perfect life. You sound in such pain. I am sorry.
There are counsellors and counsellors. You need to find a better one. I also think you shouldn’t dismiss medication out of hand. You do seem very depressed and unhappy, and that is serious.
Your stepson is another issue. I think you should stop asking anything of him. He clearly believes you don’t have the right to do so, and both his parents are supporting him in this. I would also stop providing any services for him. Leave the glasses and the bedding. I would encourage your Dh todo stuff with his son, and just try and keep things pleasant when you are all together. If he is rude, I would show that I found that very painful, and then withdraw to lick my wounds.
I don’t know where you are with the IVF. Perhaps it would be possible to agree a plan with your partner, that you will try once more, or for 3 more years, or whatever feels good to you, and then reevaluate or stop. But it maybe that you need to really think that part through with a counsellor.
You don’t need me to tell you that a baby isn’t always a happy ending, any more than a nice partner a good job or a big house is. Happiness and contentment come from inside. I really hope you can find some.

See I don't get this at all. Unless you were being extremely rude and mean to my ds's i expect them to have manners to all adult.
Especially to have a level of respect to women, and to clean up after themselves. Regardless if they liked you or not. They should have some self respect for being tidy.

If I was told by exdh that the boys were acting disrespectful I would want to sit them down and find out why and why they thought this behaviour was acceptable.

I absolutely hate exdh, he's stopped paying support for months now and all the find trips out with the dc has stopped the longer he is with his gf. As he isn't showing off anymore which isn't her fault because people forget that the ex was probably crap along tome before the new gf came alone and the df should be accountable for their actions.
I don't follow the new gf makes him not see the dc, men don't follow women, they may use it as excuses but it crap.

You ds is disrespectful and if this carries on he will be a disrespectful man and your dp needs to sort this ASAP.
You need a list of what you expect and want.
Sit down with dh and asked him to write want he wants and expect.
Then sit with ds and ask him the same and come to an agreement.

My eldest ds was being very ignorant the last week and I told him I had enough, I understand hormones etc and he told me he's so stressed with his df not paying support because it makes it hard for him to ask me for books for school and the pressure of his exams is told much.

OP I am so sorry that things seem so dark right now.
I agree with PP who say you need to separate out the issues that are causing upset, because together as a mass they are overwhelming - but separated out, you can deal with each one individually and make a plan to deal with each one, which will hopefully make things seem more manageable and not so all-emcompassing.

Would you say that the main root of your sadness is desire to have a child? If so, I would focus on that. Obviously I don't know the cause of the problems, but you could investigate and try all avenues - I don't mean that you haven't already, but I just know that when I had trouble TTC/miscarriages, there were loads of ideas out there to try (eg soft cups, accupuncture, supplements etc); then there's other ideas suggested above - adoption etc. Wising you all the best OP

Don’t clean up after your step son, leave that for your husband to do. Don’t even interact with him if he’s going to get arsey when you do. As horrible as it is, he’s not your kid so not your problem and you shouldn’t have to adjust yourself in your own home to suit him. Don’t knock the meds until you’ve tried them. When I finally accepted that I need help and nothing was working, I allowed myself to try the meds and I’m a different person. They don’t work for everyone and sometimes you have to try a few types before finding the one for you but they can help and I’d give them a go if I were you.

Do you actually want change for yourself? If so, I wonder if you need to stop the avoidance of your pain (through running, work, general achieving and face it head on. Try some different counsellors, say you want to talk about the fact that life feels exactly how you have described it in your first post, say that medication isn't for you right now (sorry, I think that's what you're saying but I might be wrong?) but that you need a safe space to fall apart. I'd say it's worth addressing this head on especially if you are planning to hopefully conceive.
And you know yourself that you can't be manipulated by your step son. Let him go home if he wants to. Stick to your own boundaries, you sound like you know what they are.

I think you have to accept that the relationship with your DSS is going to be problematic until he grows up a bit. He may be influenced by his DM into not accepting you. You can't change his attitude so you have to change the way you react. Lower your expectations. Be polite but don't tolerate his rudeness or untidiness. It is your home. Your DH is overcompensating for the breakup of his former marriage so reluctant to enforce boundaries. In the long run your DSS will suffer from this lack of boundaries but that is not your problem. Make this the year he stops upsetting you and look into self care and self preservation. A bit more assertiveness will help both to your DH who does not sound supportive and your DSS. Maybe a new hobby to make new friends? Sorry about the failed IVF. Is adoption a possibility?

If you want change, you need to be forceful and make it happen. Your DH needs to stand up to his son as do you, he’s currently walking all over both of you which is unacceptable. If he throws a tantrum and decides he doesn’t want to see your DH as a result then so be it, he’ll come back in his own time. Teenagers can be selfish but they shouldn’t be allowed to run riot and get away with treating adults like crap. Stop cleaning up after him and stop tiptoeing around him in your own home, your DH really needs to discipline his son.

Sorry for your infertility struggles, I hope you are having counselling. The extreme exercise probably isn’t helpful, gentle exercise will be better for your health right now.

Woollycardi exactly all that. 🙂

you need to talk to a professional. You are mourning not having kids and it's not something you can get over on your own.

Why should I work 60 hours a week and then come home to a kitchen littered with half drunk glasses and a sofa you can't sit on due to unwashed bed linen littering it

Can I gently suggest that often if you are working long hours coming home to a house that is even slightly messy causes more upset than if you are around all day.

I don't think dss should be rude to you but obviously this relationship isn't working and as he is still a child he is not expressing himself well. If you want to stay married you and your DH have to find a compromise as his son has to come first.

For your own stress levels I think you have to let some of this go as the house is shared and your standards don't seem to be shared by your DH. If a woman posted this "my dh comes home from a stressy job and gets really grumpy with my child because a few glasses were left on the kitchen surface and there was bedding on the sofa, he demands I tell my child off but my child doesn't have a good relationship with dh so I feel as if I am in the middle. My child is still struggling with my divorce so I think we have to be more understanding..aibu?

I also went through ttc and it is horrendous so you have my empathy.

Sorry for the late response.
I've tried everything with DSS, the sugary sweet, ignoring the mess, staying out the way, talking things through with DSS's mum. Nothing changes his behaviour. He'll be laughing and joking, then it turns sour when I come home. I've tried keeping out of the way. Still not good enough. One particularly dark weekend I stayed in bed, wanting to swallow as many opioids as I could, quietly behind closed doors but still that was reported back. It's not good enough that she hides from DSS 'just because she has her period'
It's a learned response, when DSS was a baby if DSS's mum didn't get her own way. She was march round and collect DSS. I recall one particular interesting dinner party with her storming in.
There was no messy divorce or mourning of his parents together. I'm not the OW nor and I much younger. All I can hope is this will pass in time, when he grows up.
He doesn't sleep on the sofa, has his own spaces/room. But will choose any room to lounge on with his bedding and leave it there. Moving to another sofa, chucking cushions across the room when he gets bored.
Completely agree, I need therapy but I've not found the right one. The ones with the clinic I felt were more geared to getting you ready for the next round. But I will keep trying.
Meds been there done that and they took me (through many protocols) to a darker place than I care to revisit. Clinical depression is not a place I want to be, nor are more physical scars to add to my collection.
I'm not with DH for the 'envious' lifestyle, we've both earned that as a team. I'd give it up in a heartbeat to be a mum but right now we need the money to fund the treatment. I'm with him because I love him with all my heart (and he loves me) we all struggle in different ways and the failed IVF and rejection of his DS is killing him - we all handle grief in different ways. He's not doing it to hurt me, he's doing it because he doesn't know what else to do.
No known cause of the infertility. So may consider donor options. But not right now, that's too painful a bridge to cross.
Completely agree that my relationship is unhealthy but it's my life raft in drowning seas. So I can't see a way to let go, I'm not strong enough to swim to shore.

DH and his son should go to therapy.

But how can you love someone who allows their dc to behave like that towards you? How much more complicated and difficult will it be if you add your own dc into that mix? I think you have a dh problem not a dss problem.

I'm not and have never said I have a dSS problem

But what does your DH DO when his son behaves like this? He should be the one who steps up and deals with it! AND with his ex, who sounds like a petulant toddler herself, who "takes her toys and flounces off home" whenever she doesn't get her own way.

This is really down to your DH to sort out, not you. And while I realise that it affects you too, atmospherically etc., you do need to stop caring about what gets reported back to the ex. What can she do, after all? So long as you and your DH are a strong team together, then she's got no power over you as a couple. Yes, granted she has power where your DSS is concerned, but that is more power over your DH than you.

Your DH needs to step up.

I think your stuck.
If your DH is worried about upsetting the boy, and his mum seems to be creating a monster as well.
Just make sure your never left alone with him, so he can't make trouble and lie to your DH.