Husband "too tired". Am I wrong to be annoyed?

[Gingemum93]

I love my husband dearly but recently am getting irritated by his excuses for why he can't help with our daughter. Tonight was a prime example he went to bed at about 6pm. I am aware that he has done two early shifts at work. But I get up with the baby in the morning and pretty much have to look after her until she goes to bed. Thankfully she is a good sleeper so I no longer get woken through the night. I do however get woken up by my husband going to work for his early shifts and then I can't get back to sleep meaning I am also tired, but I have to stay awake and deal with the baby whilst he can go to bed at whatever time. He got annoyed with me tonight for waking him up when I turned the lamp in the bedroom on so I could get our little one ready for bed. He is starting to get on my nerves with the too tired thing. I understand he works at the moment and I don't but he seems to like to make it a competition and its not we are both tired I just never seem to get a break but as he said once "you're a mum now, you don't get a break" I was definitely not impressed with that one. But is it ok to be annoyed at him or should I just grin and bear it for now?

Ps. Sorry for the really long post. Needed to vent xx

Looking after a baby is significantly less tiring than working - especially shift work and especially if that baby sleeps through the night

Cut him some slack especially given his medical history and perhaps he feels uncomfortable in the evening sitting around someone else's home - is it your family house or his?

I work shifts I'm out of the house at 6-30 and home at 8-30. I go to bed at 10.30. That's enough sleep. One element of him being seriously ill will make him more tired but also part of me does wonder. He made the mum comment and doesn't do the non fun things with baby so I do wonder if there is an element of letting you do everything as you are mum. What are his parents like is it very traditional?

Seeing a doctor is a good idea given his history but I still think you both need a chat about how to handle parenthood. You both are parents. Fair enough after work if he is tired that may be excusable but what about weekends? Is it split more fairly or does he sleep then too?

Sounds like you need to have a sit down and sort it out for yourselves. There’s no way strangers on the net can give any useful advice as we have no idea of the specifics and complexity of your lives. However, seeing the GP and having a good sit down chat about what you both need in terms of rest etc, would be a good start I think.

When he does help with our daughter he is great with her but as I've said he prefers the fun bits like playing and making her smile more than the feeding, changing and getting her ready if we need to go out xx
He ‘should’ be great with her - he’s her parent! I know nothing is meant by it, but I find that a patronizing figure of speech that women sometimes use to talk about men/fathers. We don’t praise mothers for having healthy interactions with their children, it’s rightly viewed a base requirement. (I am a dad by the way :)

Getting up at 5ish for work is early, but not so early he would need to go to bed at 6pm.
Sounds like more than laziness to me - if he's needing 11 hours sleep after working / commuting for 13 hours.

So he gets up about 4.30 or something? Then does a full shift? I, not sure about this, by only saying when he leaves and starts it reads like you're trying to get the responses to go your way by making it look as late as possible.

Having said that, he needs to muck in with the non-fun jobs of parenting when he is around.

Bed at 6 is very early even if he is rising at 5. What type of job does he do that needs 11 hours sleep? Does he ave any health problems?

I think there's a lot going on here - illness and recovery, potential depression (it's very common after a serious and unexpected illness), a wee baby, you're staying with parents (?), you've just had a baby, shifts are a killer - I'd really struggle with that start - and a bit of 'Disney dadding' too.

You guys need to talk. I'm sure you're just as tired as he is by the way, but you need to get him checked by the gp and come up with a way forward that suits you both.

Me and DH just had to ban any talk of tiredness when DS was little, it just got competitive and nasty. There's no medal for the tiredest person in the house! So we sorted out a weekend rota that allowed us both to catch up, made certain decisions around co-sleeping etc, all designed to prioritise sleep.

I have a friend who does a weird shift pattern and he would also be in bed by 6 after that start, by the way. It's a brutal time to wake up.

When did he have his bowel surgery?

I notice that people are always so harsh towards men on here.

OP has said her husband was so ill that he nearly died and that this was very recent. He’s working hard and has horrible shift patterns. Personally if it were me I would be letting him sleep as much as he can and not expecting him to also take the baby.

If one parent goes out to work then surely they should be able to rest at home and not also work full time once home. I know it’s not easy looking after children- I have a large family and I’m a single parent- but if you stay at home with baby you get more opportunities for rest than a shift worker outside the home.

I think we are expecting too much of ourselves and each other.

I think if he was out enjoying himself and partying that would be one thing but working and sleeping (and looking after the baby during the 'fun' parts doesn't sound like laziness to me and would in fact points to a more serious MH / Health issue.
I would ignore the usual men haters here who have made accusations about your DH without knowing the facts ( or just ignoring them).
Yes you have had a baby, but there is an idea that this somehow trumps anything a DH does. It doesn't, you are a team, he is the sole earner and obviously has to continue working whilst he isn't fit to.

His comment about you not having a rest now you’re a mum was disgraceful and there is no excuse. However, on this thread, you seem to be trying to one up him on tiredness. I wonder if you both have this “I’m more tired than you and I deserve to be more tired than you” which, if you do, is unhelpful. It happens in couples sometimes when you have a baby but work together, accept you’re both tired. You are different tired but it’s equal and valid.

For people who’ve not had to recover physically and mentally from being at death’s door, it’s hard to understand the energy it takes to function. He’s continuing to work to support the family. I think he’s had a hard time from some people on this thread. That said, I am not invalidating that it’s hard and he needs to work with you to care for his child.

He needs to see his GP if he is still not feeling great.
That is a different issue to just leaving it all to you.

I think you need to seperate them and know what is reallygoing on.
💐

Leaving the house at 5:15 am is actually late to some people and a fairly normal time to leave for many. I don’t think it’s healthy to then go to bed at 6pm ignoring your OH and child.

I teach and usually leave at 6:30am which is obviously an hour later than your DH but there’s no way I’d be in bed even for 7pm! When you have children you also have to just deal with being tired sometimes. He’s being selfish.

I wonder how anyone can tell the op that her DH is terrible, lazy etc based only on the tiny bits of info given here.

Yes, the comment about not being tired when you're a mum sounds awful but it's given here with no context. What was being said at the time? Was there an argument going on? What was being said to the DH at the time? The context of the comment may make all the difference here.

As for people saying he doesn't need 11 hours sleep - well he isn't getting 11 hours sleep for a start. In bed at 6 and up at say 4.30 is 10 and a half hours but I doubt he's getting much sleep at 6 pm in a house with at least 3 other adults and a baby. Op then says she woke him up by turning on the light when putting the baby to bed. If there is noise in the house during the evening it might be that's he's only napping during that time so that his actual sleep is much less than 10 and a half hours.

Rotating shifts is a killer too. Your body ends up not knowing when to sleep and when to be awake so getting good quality sleep becomes impossible.

There's just too much going on here for anyone to really be able to judge. Clearly he should see the Dr, they need to discuss it without blame and maybe see if there's a way to give him a more normal sleep/wake pattern.

For a while I worked on a contract where I did early shift all week, this meant getting up at 4.45 Monday to Friday and it was a job where I spent at least 75-80% of the time on my feet walking around.

I was wiped out by 7pm most days, falling asleep on the sofa. It took months to adjust and in that time I did very little around the house during the week, it was mainly left to the weekend.

I think you maybe need to cut him some slack.

So what he nearly died?

He's the breadwinner and if he's a bloke not pulling his weight then he should be out-on-his-ear.

Compared to childbirth, what is a near-death experience with a twisted bowel?

He should be grateful to be working shift work and be allowed back through the front door when he gets home.

Perhaps he should have the bed taken away from him - have him sleep on the floor.

Have I covered everything off here? Am I sufficiently 'in the spirit' of the general consensus?

This is actually quite astonishing- did you nearly die this year OP?

Or did your husband?

I'm all for calling a lazy, entitled man child out, but in this case there are some blindingly obvious circumstances - he is in recovery from a serious illness.

I agree with PP that he needs to recover physically and maybe even mentally too. That being said there is no excuse for that crack about you not being allowed a break cause you’re a mum now - sorry but no.

Absolutely not, both parents must have the time to have breaks and rest. I would be most upset about that to be honest.

You say he only wants to do the fun things with your baby, how long has that been going on? He needs to do the mundane grunt work too.