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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband "too tired". Am I wrong to be annoyed?

94 replies

Gingemum93 · 14/01/2020 22:25

I love my husband dearly but recently am getting irritated by his excuses for why he can't help with our daughter. Tonight was a prime example he went to bed at about 6pm. I am aware that he has done two early shifts at work. But I get up with the baby in the morning and pretty much have to look after her until she goes to bed. Thankfully she is a good sleeper so I no longer get woken through the night. I do however get woken up by my husband going to work for his early shifts and then I can't get back to sleep meaning I am also tired, but I have to stay awake and deal with the baby whilst he can go to bed at whatever time. He got annoyed with me tonight for waking him up when I turned the lamp in the bedroom on so I could get our little one ready for bed. He is starting to get on my nerves with the too tired thing. I understand he works at the moment and I don't but he seems to like to make it a competition and its not we are both tired I just never seem to get a break but as he said once "you're a mum now, you don't get a break" I was definitely not impressed with that one. But is it ok to be annoyed at him or should I just grin and bear it for now?

Ps. Sorry for the really long post. Needed to vent xx

OP posts:

MonstranceClock · 14/01/2020 23:20

I’m sorry but he’s out the house working 12 hour shifts and has to be up at 5? You’re at home with a baby all day. If I was him I’d be going straight to bed when I got home too. You can nap or chill out when you want.

hookiwooki · 14/01/2020 23:21

I recently had bronchitis (3 weeks ago), and I'm still recovering from that. I can well believe that a twisted bowel resulting in surgery would take months to recover from. Having a newborn in the house so soon after, as well as an older child, and working as well - all would contribute to a delay in full recovery. The body needs rest and sleep to heal.

Usually I would say that he needs to pull his finger out, but I think his health changes matters somewhat.

As the change in sleep pattern is unusual for him it might be worth a GP visit as per PP.

This doesn't mean that you aren't important too of course, and it's vital that your own well being doesn't end up neglected.

Does he have any leave he can take? A few days at home might help you both get some much needed rest, particularly if you could both have a couple of lie ins and squeeze in a few naps.

A frank discussion would be worth having. I think you need to reassure him that you are concerned for his health, but mention that at the same time you feel you risk burning yourself out - and that wouldn't help any of you.

TARSCOUT · 14/01/2020 23:23

When you are on shift work it is really difficult to get into a routine, never mind when your shifts aren't the same each day. I do wonder however about him going to bed at 6pm, could he be depressed or worrying about your lives since everything has changed so much
As you know he is lucky to be alive but maybe mentally he needs some more help?

Purpleartichoke · 14/01/2020 23:28

If he is doing shift work that soon after a major Illness and abdominal surgery, I’m not surprised he is exhausted. When doctors report recovery times, I don’t think they are reporting full recovery, more, the time until you get back to kind of normal and functional.

You absolutely need breaks too and he needs real time with his child. Something needs to change, but it’s not clear here that it is an attitude problem like we normally expect in these kind of posts.

Original poster

Gingemum93 · 14/01/2020 23:29

To clarify we only have the baby she is our only child and I do wonder if all the change has put a strain on him mentally. I think as a lot of you have said we need to sit down and chat ourselves and also seem a doctor just in case it is medical. X

OP posts:

BeanTownNancy · 14/01/2020 23:34

I think shift work is far more tiring than regular hours. My baby is 8 months old and he's always been a pretty rubbish sleeper, but I'm used to it. One week he started actually sleeping in a 6 hour chunk and it was amazing... But when he regressed again it hit me that much harder, and I was more tired then than I had been before I'd had the good sleep. Not having a routine can be killer.

Also, I had a life-saving emergency bowel resection the year before last and the recovery was pretty tough... I mean, I had to just suck it up and get on with it because I got knocked up pretty soon after and had a baby less than a year later (whoops ), but I do wish I'd been a bit easier on myself. Maybe then I wouldn't have had such a rubbish pregnancy with so many hospitalisation. So I'd not push him if he's genuinely tired.

That said, he's not spending any time with his daughter some days and that to me is something I wouldn't be very happy with, because I think it's important to make time for your kids if you possibly can. So maybe he could have a nap but make sure he gets up for bedtime, to read her a story etc... He needs to be there for her too.

hookiwooki · 14/01/2020 23:39

Sorry OP, not sure where I got the older child from. But the rest of my post stands.

OrangeSlices998 · 14/01/2020 23:39

Yes he’s had some medical challenges... so have you, birth anyone?! Being tired is one thing, opting out of supporting you and parenting your daughter is another. When does he see her? When do you get 5 minutes to yourself? Why is it okay you never get rest but he’s off to bed at 6pm?

The bar for dads is so low on MN it’s shocking!

ScrambledEggsOnToast1 · 14/01/2020 23:40

The way we have always worked mat leave is I do any night time stuff and I’m main childcare provider mon-fri for the baby in exchange for a lie in (for me) and more help at the weekend. I know you won’t admit it but if you want a nap at 2pm on mat leave you can, I’d often doze off. My husband can’t nap at work. If you are the one that is off work you should accept that you will be doing more for the baby and the house.

NicLake · 14/01/2020 23:42

He may have an attachment disorder from the near death experience issue. And hence not engaging with your daughter and yourself. Perhaps he's recovering still. Is he active??

Can't imagine telling my DW that no rest and it's all down to her caus she's a mum now. I've always wanted to do as much as possible.

Still, it's 20 to twelve and I've got to be out by 6.15 so best get to sleep, we're both have fingers crossed dd5 sleeps through.

cdtaylornats · 14/01/2020 23:44

Working a changing shift system can literally be a killer. Both mental and physical health can suffer.

www.sleepfoundation.org/shift-work-disorder/what-shift-work-disorder/living-coping-shift-work-disorder

Blankbutnotablanket · 14/01/2020 23:46

I agree @OrangeSlices998 I also think there's no excuse for the way he's spoken to her. Everyone gets tired, they don't all verbally disrespect their partner.

justasking111 · 14/01/2020 23:47

Glad you are going to check him in to see the GP. You are both tired I am sure.

Mrsjayy · 14/01/2020 23:54

He almost died no wonder he is tired he maybe isn't fully recovered, if you are sharing a house atm can you take the baby into the bedroom for half an hour just to spend some time with him i know you want a break but circumstances don't sound normal.

crustycrab · 15/01/2020 00:00

Jesus wept, you don't need a doctor. Ridiculous

Thinkingabout1t · 15/01/2020 00:19

You need more help with your baby, OP, but when someone's had a serious illness it can take a surprisingly long time to make a real recovery. Best of luck to you both and DD.

TheBigFatMermaid · 15/01/2020 00:32

Those using he almost died as an excuse, when DD was 15 months and DS 3 months, I had a strangulated hernia. DP was amazing for a few weeks but obviously had to return to work fairly quickly. I would say that within a month of having 12 inches of dead bowel removed, I was up to full speed and doing the majority of child care and housework!

Lilymossflower · 15/01/2020 01:04

Omg he is acting so selfish

So your a parent you don't get a break anymore, but his life can go on unchanged ?
So because he is the make parent its different huh ?
SO unfair

He needs to pull 50/50 of the parenting , regardless of if he goes out to work and you don't.
His work has a start and end time.
Your never ends.
You deserve a break to !

It will only get harder as time goes on.
You probably are focussed on baby's well being right now, but your well being is important too, and him as a parent and a husband should care about you both, and not solely himself !!!

Lilymossflower · 15/01/2020 01:05

(Havnt read the bit about him almost died yet. Will do)

Ishotmrburns · 15/01/2020 04:40

I'm surprised that so many people think YABU and he should be going straight to bed when he get home.

My DH is a senior doctor in a very busy hospital. It is an incredibly stressful job and the shifts are long. If he's been on the night shift then, yes he will go to bed as soon as he gets home, but other than that he will help out with the baby for at least a couple of hours. If he didn't do this then he wouldn't get to see her at all.

I totally disagree with this "I work outside of the house so I don't have to do anything when I get home" mentality. Being a parent is a 24 hour job for both of you. You don't get to clock off.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 15/01/2020 05:38

I think YAB a bitU. His immune system may not have recovered and we entirely discount the importance of sleep in our society, but while some people are fine rising early and some people are ok on 6 hours sleep or less, there are people for whom this eventually leaves them increasingly run down - some people just need more sleep than others.

I know your sleep is also disturbed, but Ideally he needs a better more stable job.

I think he may be suffering with depression or just not have recovered properly. But something sounds wrong. I doubt he'll be the support you need until it's dealt with. I would have his thyroid checked out first.

For context I have a chronic illness and often have disturbed sleep. Sometimes I am in bed at 5pm.

StillDumDeDumming · 15/01/2020 06:01

Also vitamin b12 deficiency will do this. Is he also irritable or confused. It’s bloody awful and related to not being able to absorb the nutrients from food or supplements. It’s a simple blood test though and then regular injections at the GP. My dp has it and it was bad when untreated. He can’t want to feel like this so perhaps he will be receptive to seeing a doctor.

I also wonder about trauma from the surgery and depression. I mean he could be lazy and selfish- but I’d rule out other stuff first.

Cherrysherbet · 15/01/2020 06:03

I’ve got to say, I feel quite sorry for him. He’s getting over a serious illness and he works a very difficult shift pattern. I’m not surprised he’s tired.
You’re not working, you have a baby that sleeps through the night, and you still think he should help more? I think you need to get a grip.

NearlyGranny · 15/01/2020 06:17

Do go to the GP together. DH may be low on iron, that makes a person feel like a fuzzy third copy of themselves.

Get yours checked, too - everyone has had a tough year! Make sure GP hears what DH told you about mums not getting a break, even if you make it sound jokey. DH needs his attitude straightening out on that.

When baby sleeps in the day, you grab a nap, too and just leave whatever job you were going to do.

My DH got diagnosed with arthritis and came home saying the consultant had told him to rest more and let 'other people' pick up the slack for him. I almost burst into flames: other people basically meant me, with three under four and a part time job. 😵 I actually never saw him resting more, tbh.

SimonJT · 15/01/2020 06:18

It sounds like a bit of a crap situation for both of you.

I had a burst appendix a few years ago, so not major surgery, but I got an infection that then led to major surgery. It took a good 8-10 months to not be constantly exhausted, I wasn’t working at the time and I would often sleep for ten hours a day. It felt like really bad permanent jet lag. Maybe he needs a doctors visit to make sure everything is okay?

As you are living with family does that mean neither you or your husband are responsible for looking after a whole house? If so at least thats a huge strain lifted in household work.

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