Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Husband "too tired". Am I wrong to be annoyed?

94 replies

Gingemum93 · 14/01/2020 22:25

I love my husband dearly but recently am getting irritated by his excuses for why he can't help with our daughter. Tonight was a prime example he went to bed at about 6pm. I am aware that he has done two early shifts at work. But I get up with the baby in the morning and pretty much have to look after her until she goes to bed. Thankfully she is a good sleeper so I no longer get woken through the night. I do however get woken up by my husband going to work for his early shifts and then I can't get back to sleep meaning I am also tired, but I have to stay awake and deal with the baby whilst he can go to bed at whatever time. He got annoyed with me tonight for waking him up when I turned the lamp in the bedroom on so I could get our little one ready for bed. He is starting to get on my nerves with the too tired thing. I understand he works at the moment and I don't but he seems to like to make it a competition and its not we are both tired I just never seem to get a break but as he said once "you're a mum now, you don't get a break" I was definitely not impressed with that one. But is it ok to be annoyed at him or should I just grin and bear it for now?

Ps. Sorry for the really long post. Needed to vent xx

OP posts:

TartanMarbled · 15/01/2020 06:26

Wow, cut him some slack. He obviously needs the sleep - I would be quite concerned for my husband if he was feeling this tired. He seems to need to catch up on sleep, badly.

dottiedodah · 15/01/2020 06:26

I think if DH has been seriously ill then this changes things hugely .I had Septecemia and an operation ,and it took its toll for quite a long time TBH. Can you nap during the day at all ? Maybe a trip to the GP would be in order just to check all OK .You have had a really rough time by the sound of it ! Hopefully on the up now Hugs and good wishes to you xx

Bakedbrie · 15/01/2020 06:27

A close friend of mine nearly died of a twisted bowel. Long long ramifications. She had such a length of bowel chopped out that her diet had to be radically adapted forever....has he had this? That could impact someone’s energy big time.

CatteStreet · 15/01/2020 06:30

Hm. I have every sympathy for his illness and his tiring work, but two things do ring alarm bells - his comment about you not getting a break because you are a mum now and the fact that his father 'just doesn't do babies'. We often model our parents.

Get him checked out medically, but also make it clear that this won't be a permanent state of affairs and there will be breaks for you. Start small - he holds sleeping baby while you have a bath, he takes her to the shops/park. Ideally get him to do these things when he's rested, so he can't rely so easily on the tiredness excuse. If he kicks off at these, you'll know it's more than the recovery.

TartanMarbled · 15/01/2020 06:30

Even aside from the illness recovery, don't forget to be kind to your partner. You won't find that advice here on MN (though everyone expects partners to be kind to them). Seeing every action from a husband as hostile is really unhealthy and unkind, and leads to divorce.

Fannia · 15/01/2020 06:37

I agree if he is going to bed and falling asleep at 6pm for a 5.30am wake up it is probably health related, not laziness.

SunshineCake · 15/01/2020 06:58

It is not a dad thing to not want the grubby hard bits. It's a him thing right now and you need to find out if he's exhausted, poorly or an arse.

countrygirl99 · 15/01/2020 07:01

A relative had a similar illness. It took him over a year before he was fully recovered. He was off work for about 6 months then went back part time. They had no kids, worked in an office and were financially stable. He didn't have to cope with shifts, moving in with family or any other massive changes. Anyone comparing g that level if illness with pregnancy and childbirth needs to give their head a wobble.

As for what he said 1) we only have the account of a tired and upset OP 2) we almost stupid things when we are tired and upset. I wonder what his account would be?

Tellingitlikeitisnt · 15/01/2020 07:02

Hmmmm
I get you want some support which is probably emotional as much as practical but your DH is still recovering from major surgery which may still be having a massive physical impact on him plus he is working full time on a shift pattern?

I think you need to cut him some slack here.
If your baby is a good sleeper and you aren’t up in the night with her then chances are she is also a good day napper and you can get a break in the daytime too?

Caring for a baby solo is boring and hard work I do get that but he sounds hugely run down and possibly a bit depressed?

Talk to him. Ask him if he is ok and how he feels about work and the baby and then say how you feel. But listen too.

Can you look for company and support on the day from baby groups etc?
Def seeing his GP sounds a good plan.

Hope you both work through this as a team.

OrangeSlices998 · 15/01/2020 07:07

So according to this thread he’s well enough to work, but not well enough to bath his daughter or be an active parent or partner in anyway? I’m not diminishing the recovery from illness, but he is at work which if he’s as ill as the thread implies is something he needs to address. OP I really think YANBU - whose cutting you some slack, post birth?

TwilightPeace · 15/01/2020 07:07

Even aside from the illness recovery, don't forget to be kind to your partner. You won't find that advice here on MN

‘You’re a mum now, you don’t get a break’ isn’t very nice though is it? In fact, it’s horrible. Sounds like he’s opting out of proper parenting.

TartanMarbled · 15/01/2020 07:13

@TwilightPeace I have to say, I missed that bit. That's definitely an unkind comment.

Interestedwoman · 15/01/2020 07:17

' as he said once "you're a mum now, you don't get a break" I was definitely not impressed with that one. But is it ok to be annoyed at him or should I just grin and bear it for now?'

No you're not wrong, he shouldn'tve said that and you're entitled to your feelings. Did you tell him that wasn't an ok thing to say? I'm crap at replying when people say things that are out of line, so if you didn't I completely understand. xxx

Yes he maybe is still recovering from being ill, but you're a person too and deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. Yes him seeing the GP is a good plan, but you also need help from him perhaps,. Discuss it with him and if he really doesn't feel up to helping, as PPs have said you can hire someone now and again maybe.

Hugs and look after yourself xxxxx

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/01/2020 07:22

I was also going to say that it can take 6m to 1y to recover from a general anaesthetic, so that will be adding to his fatigue.

However none of that excuses his total dick comment about you should expect to be tired now that you're a mother - you'd be LESS tired if he took his turn as a father!

So this is probably less about his actual tiredness and more about his attitude - the tiredness will ease as his body recovers, but his attitude won't change unless you have a chat to him about it.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/01/2020 07:30

I’ve got to say, I feel quite sorry for him. He’s getting over a serious illness and he works a very difficult shift pattern. I’m not surprised he’s tired. You’re not working, you have a baby that sleeps through the night, and you still think he should help more? I think you need to get a grip

This ^^

Not to mention you live in someone else’s home so won’t be doing all the housework etc that adults normally have to do around work and children so maybe your should also get checked if so tired.

If my DH was that sick recently, I’d be ensuring he was doing everything possible to recover and wouldn’t expect him to be the sole worker.

Yestermost · 15/01/2020 07:35

How long ago was the surgery?

isitpossibleto · 15/01/2020 07:38

‘You’re a mum now, you don’t get a break’??? I hope this is out of character for him, because if it isn’t, this will only get worse. Just WTF does he think he is?

rwalker · 15/01/2020 07:41

He's had major surgery and the fact he nearly died can that a MASSIVE toll on someone's mental health.
He must be getting up 4.40 then 45 min travel to work shift like this can be horrendous . Presume He's working these to provide for you all.
Whilst his comment is well out of order TBH feel you are BU .

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 15/01/2020 07:42

I agree if he is going to bed and falling asleep at 6pm for a 5.30am wake up it is probably health related, not laziness.

It's not a 5.30 wake up though is it? Op says he leaves home at 5.15 so he must be getting up earlier than that.

I occasionally start work at 5am and getting up at 3.30 really affects my sleep. It's not natural and I find that even though I go to bed earlier I don't sleep properly so I end up sleep deprived even though I am in bed for a long time.

That, together with changing shift patterns (does he have to go straight from lates to earlies?), a recent major illness, a difficult housing situation, a new baby plus the pressure of being the only wage earner I don't think it's difficult to see why he's exhausted.

I'm wondering if he had a bowel resection and if so what part? I have problems in my small bowel and therefore don't absorb a lot of nutrients but it took years for the drs to consider this, by which time I was severely deficient in b12, calcium and vit D amongst other things. This might be a possibility for him and sometimes drs don't automatically consider it.

He definitely needs to see the GP but this might be part of the recovery period or a normal consequence of doing shift work which, as a couple, you may need to consider and work through together. Are you likely to move into your own home soon? Apart from anything else it can't be conducive to your relationship living in 1 room in his parents' house.

isitpossibleto · 15/01/2020 07:42

How old is your baby? Because it also takes around a year to recover from pregnancy and birth.

CakeandCustard28 · 15/01/2020 07:42

What about on his days off though? What does he do then? I hope he helps with the baby. I can understand going to bed early if he’s recovering and gets up early for work, but that’s not an excuse to not to help on his days off. Wouldn’t hurt to take over for a few hours in the day whilst the baby is playing quietly and let you go have a nap.

Sirzy · 15/01/2020 07:43

So he has been critically ill and is working full time in shift work (which for a lot can be hard due to the lack of routine) to support the family in trying to get back on their feet. I would cut him a bit of slack for being tired

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 15/01/2020 07:48

Many.people, myself included, are at work when really we aren't well enough. I work with a lady who has metastatic bowel cancer and she is still at work. I doubt anyone would argue that she is well. However, the situation in this country means that many people have to keep working, financially. Maybe he shouldn't be at work health-wise now but his is the only wage coming in so what is the alternative? Perhaps that is adding to the pressure on him?

Maybe that's something they could consider as a couple. Could op go to work and he is the sahp?

Dontdisturbmenow · 15/01/2020 07:48

What job does he do? I personally have found looking after children at home much less tiring than being at work. The reason is mainly one of control.

When you are at home, you have some flexibility than you don't have at work. If you have a bad night, you can easily adapt and just do as little as possible with your child so you can rest a bit more during the day. You don't have this flexibility at work. You still to concentrate, interact, get on with your duties just the same whether you had a great night sleep or a bad one.

Sleep quality as a massive impact on how great or knackered you feel the next day. You could get less sleep but much better quality. The more anxious you are, weighted by responsibilities, the less likely you'll benefit from good quality sleep.

The point is that he is tired and it is clearly affecting him day to day. It's not a competition, he is entitled to be at the moment more tired than you, whatever the reason.

Don't make it about you, try to help him assess why he might be feeling so tired and come up with things he could do differently maybe to have more energy. As you said, it might just be the shift patterns that is messing up with his sleep quality and things will naturally be better when this settles.

Original poster

Gingemum93 · 15/01/2020 07:48

He does work full time so I should think about that impact as well and I'm tired because I have iron, b12 and folic acid deficiency due to having crohns disease, so its definitely not been easy for us. I dont have to do all the house work just a fair share of it, I also will be going back to work at the end of next month earlier than planned to sort us out financially. I'm definitely going to get him to the GP because I didn't realise recovery would take so long and do think there maybe an underlying issue and the comment he made isnt like him usually at all. When he does help with our daughter he is great with her but as I've said he prefers the fun bits like playing and making her smile more than the feeding, changing and getting her ready if we need to go out xx

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4