That my friend thinks she's better then me?

[Sickofcondescendingfriend]

So, here it is. I had tried for years for a baby and finally conceived through full IVF.

About 6 weeks after my pregnancy was confirmed. My friend popped over and told me she was 'accidentally' pregnant with some bloke she just started seeing.

There it began really. Her pregnancy was perfect and she was so chilled all the way through. Mine was a nightmare with heavy bleeding, diabetes, and despite trying not to be anxious, obviously I was.

Her baby was born about 2 months after mine. My DS was a nightmare from day one. Induction/Birth went wrong and rushed for emergency c section. She popped hers out in a few hours with minimal fuss. Both are first borns.

My DS has been a crap sleeper since day one. Hers has been a great sleeper since the moment he popped into the world. Mine still doesn't settle himself at age 2 and never has. "you should just let him cry, that's what i do", no mention of the fact she's only ever needed to do it about twice because he's always slept well, but on the couple of occasions I did have a go, mine got so worked up he was physically sick. No thanks.

Mine hated tummy time and as such crawled late. Hers has done everything faster and sooner.

I would not be bothered about any of this if it wasn't for how smug she is and the pointed little comments which make me think she thinks it's because she's a better parent, not because her son is super chilled and mine is a pain in the proverbial.

I'm a bit pfb, but I don't mind that. She is always forgetting stuff she needs and borrowing stuff. Then mocks me being over organised and bringing too much stuff with me.

Her son has been at nursery for over a year and mine doesn't go yet, my choice. Mine isn't great at sharing (he's 2!?!?) hers is admittedly a bit better. "you should send him to nursery, that would fix that". Whenever mine is having a clingy stage "you should send him to nursery, that would fix that". No mention of the fact her boy was doing exactly the same thing a few weeks ago....

Today we met for lunch. She doesn't do mornings because her boy sleeps until 10am. I don't do lunch dates, generally because my son doesn't eat well in public and its around nap time. So then he's tired AND hangry and it's just not an enjoyable experience. She was late which dragged it all even closer to nap time.

In the end my son was so badly behaved I said i was calling it quits and getting him in the car for nap. Said this is our worst time to do anything, so I'd like to do earlier meets or later meets. Her response was yeah, that's why ive always make my son nap at 3 or 4 so we can have a proper day out. Yet another, 'you should have done it differently barb'. If my son naps that late, my chances of him going to bed are zero. Which is the same for most other mums I know? Right?

So anyway. When she does stuff I wouldn't do. I don't judge her or feel the need to comment on it. So why does she always seem like she's trying to get a one up on me?

I feel like saying f#ck it ive got enough friends and cutting ties. But I haven't really. I'm also hormonal and peed off with my job and my hubby atm so maybe I'm being over sensitive?

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I could handle the barbs, without letting it rile me??

Thanks in advance....

Can’t stand smugness, I loathe it. Get rid I say. No one needs a “friend “ like her.

Tartan isn't wrong tho. People are not equally good at parenting, just as they are not equally good at anything else in life.

I wouldn't say parenting is defined by choosing to sleep train/have a routine etc tho, those things are choices but aren't necessarily better for every one.

She makes you feel worse about yourself, not better, so you've lost nothing by cutting ties.
Since lunch doesn't work for you and she won't do mornings it should be easy to stop meeting up with her.

I'll be totally honest: I'm quite like your friend, and yeah, I do judge other parents/think my parenting is better than theirs. I don't buy into the "difficult sleeper" thing, for example

Then you don't know what you're talking about and you don't seem to be much of a friend.

Find new, nicer friends!

He wakes at 10am? Bilmey he must be going to bed really late! He’s sleeping half the day away! Ditch her, go make new friends at toddler groups who won’t make you feel bad.

It sounds like you hate each other, tbh. Why bother meeting up?

@BlueBella4
Exactly this.
Looked after kids for years. Doesn't matter what she does/says Every child is different. She wants to send hers to nursery that's fine. She wants hers to sleep in until 10? (odd imo but) that's fine. Can't say I would want a little one up till 10/12 at night but who cares? At present she sounds like she will let her child do exactly as they please.
You are the other hand are doing a great job. Small children are bloody hard work, but they can be great fun. You went through so much to get him. Don't let her spoil it for you.
Tell her you are pleased for her that it's all hunky dory for now but you choose to parent differently. Stand up to her. Before you meet say she needs to remember everything she needs for her child as you are only bringing enough for yours. If she wants to meet too late for you/yours say Sorry doesn't work for us. Every time you feel she is trying to put you down smile. Say I'm just so glad to have him and if if my life revolves around him for a while that's fine. Now let's talk about something else.
You can get through this with or without her. Christ look at what you have already done. Well done for persevering. Have fun with your little one. 💐

If he doesn’t wake until 10am then she’s going to have a bit of a job changing his routine when he starts school!

Keep only casual contact with her until she has her second - who will probably be the opposite and then you can do the ‘mmmm, have you tried.....?’ comments as much as you like! Most of my friends with ‘perfect’ first ones had nightmare second ones!

You have my sympathies. It's so hard not to compare everything when you have your first.

I'd say this to you - I had a rather high maintenance first born who gave up and kind of napping at 18m when my friends kids were still popping off for 2.5hrs after lunch. DD was a nightmare to wean - she ate nothing except one flavour of jar. She was feisty, hated sitting in the buggy so we walked everywhere at snails pace while my friends' kids sat in the buggy for hours while they shopped or ate lunch etc.

You get the picture.

DD is now 13 and an absolute gem!

This tricky stage will pass. Keep reading to your baby, cuddling your baby, playing with your baby. These are the things that matter. That little person is a little miracle - do NOT let this woman suck the joy out of that for you.

I agree that she sounds massively insecure to me and is sniping at you whenever she can to make herself feel better. I have one friend like this - I do love her but bloody hell the snipes are irritating. I feel sorry for her, which is why we all put up with it. We do push back a little sometimes, though. You would not be unreasonable to push back and say 'Well this works for our family, so I am happy with it' with a big smile every so often. I bet that would annoy her

Bin her off, smug parents are the pits when you've got a tricky one yourself. A good friend wouldn't constantly be setting you up to fail like she is

She sounds painful ! Just remember the course of children is totally interchangeable - what she has now does not mean she will have an easy 6 year old or teenager - doesn't go hand in hand.

Just be a bit smug about the bond you have or something 😝 also if she has a second it may not be like that with the next !!!

for anyone who ever thought all mums who breastfeed are smugarsed judgey bitches who think they are better than mums who don't, I give you @TartanMarbled as an object lesson that being a smugarsed judgey bitch is entirely independent of feeding choice!

TartanMarbled

I do agree that some parents are obviously more skilled than others and put more effort into raising well rounded DC, but citing FF and sleep training as evidence of your superior parenting is a bit daft!

If parenting was considered a "career" neither would exactly be classed as best practice

She would stress me out I'd step back and stick to child free meetings with her.

Have to say, the three quotes in the OP don't sound that insufferable.

"you should just let him cry, that's what i do"
"you should send him to nursery, that would fix that"
"yeah, that's why I always make my son nap at 3 or 4 so we can have a proper day out"

A bit inconsiderate maybe, but I suspect you are being over-sensitive, and a lot of this probably is in the eye of the beholder.

It's very tough in the situation you describe, but I really think you need to just stop comparing yourself to her. It's not a healthy mindset at all. If any particular thing is tough for you, and easy for her, one thing really doesn't have anything to do with the other. Just do what you do, and don't waste the oxygen bothering worrying about who's 'winning'.

Your friend sounds annoying but tbh what comes across to me from the OP to me is a lot of negativity about a tiny child. You've mentioned a lot of things that he is supposedly not good at, but it all sounds like it's within the normal range to me and just part of being a baby/toddler. My child isn't the easiest sleeper or eater, but I can't imagine describing her as a "pain in the proverbial". It's a cliche but maybe make a list of the things you love about your son and that make him special, or start and/or end the day by thinking of something about him or that happened that you're grateful for? Personally I find that keeping that stuff in mind is really helpful.

TartanMarbled
I'll be totally honest: I'm quite like your friend, and yeah, I do judge other parents/think my parenting is better than theirs. I don't buy into the "difficult sleeper" thing, for example. Sleep train your child.

There's a subtlety this misses. Most children are capable of sleeping well, and some of these end up sleeping badly due to parenting choices.
But some children are not capable of sleeping well (eg those suffering from reflux). I've had reflux as an adult - it wakes you up, it's very unpleasant, and it's very difficult to get back to sleep again. Leaving a child with reflux to 'cry it out' simply will not work. They'll get very distressed, possibly be sick, and no way are just drifting off to sleep again.

Parents with children who can sleep well, and who do the right thing so they do sleep well, often forget about that latter group. They just assume the parent's are doing a bad job. Many are, but not everyone.

I’m sorry you’ve had a rough time OP.

I do think you sound a bit defensive though - in my experience, friends who you meet for play dates do discuss and compare their kids. Maybe she doesn’t mean anything by it?

You take this all the way back to when you both announced your pregnancies and your births. This makes me think you possibly have some unresolved feelings towards this situation.

My middle child can be hard work and has been known to kick off in public etc. It can be mortifying, especially when your friend’s child is behaving like a saint. In these situations I’ve found myself feeling paranoid about being judged for whatever reason and that’s what I’ve taken from your post.

If you don’t like the comments and want to continue the friendship then I would just tell her you don’t find it helpful and if she’s a friend she’ll think about what she says.

Some children are easy to parent - they sleep well, eat everything you give them, have chilled out personalities and aren't prone to biting other kids or having screaming tantrums. Others are harder. And it really isn't determined by you or your parenting, what kind you get. Obviously as they get older parents have to challenge beauty behaviour and teach rules etc but even then, some kids respond more positively than others.
She adds nothing positive to your life, do if I were you I'd see her a lot less.

Also, letting him sleep until 10am is going to bite her in the arse when he starts school. She doesn't sound like she's doing everything perfectly.

Both you and your friend should walk a mile in each other's shoes. You are both judging heavily.

Yes she should keep her mouth shut, but you sound really resentful 'pregnant by some bloke', 'popping baby out'.

I wonder if you are being over sensitive? She can't help having an easy baby and may be trying to help, not knowing what having a trickier baby is like?