That my friend thinks she's better then me?

[Sickofcondescendingfriend]

So, here it is. I had tried for years for a baby and finally conceived through full IVF.

About 6 weeks after my pregnancy was confirmed. My friend popped over and told me she was 'accidentally' pregnant with some bloke she just started seeing.

There it began really. Her pregnancy was perfect and she was so chilled all the way through. Mine was a nightmare with heavy bleeding, diabetes, and despite trying not to be anxious, obviously I was.

Her baby was born about 2 months after mine. My DS was a nightmare from day one. Induction/Birth went wrong and rushed for emergency c section. She popped hers out in a few hours with minimal fuss. Both are first borns.

My DS has been a crap sleeper since day one. Hers has been a great sleeper since the moment he popped into the world. Mine still doesn't settle himself at age 2 and never has. "you should just let him cry, that's what i do", no mention of the fact she's only ever needed to do it about twice because he's always slept well, but on the couple of occasions I did have a go, mine got so worked up he was physically sick. No thanks.

Mine hated tummy time and as such crawled late. Hers has done everything faster and sooner.

I would not be bothered about any of this if it wasn't for how smug she is and the pointed little comments which make me think she thinks it's because she's a better parent, not because her son is super chilled and mine is a pain in the proverbial.

I'm a bit pfb, but I don't mind that. She is always forgetting stuff she needs and borrowing stuff. Then mocks me being over organised and bringing too much stuff with me.

Her son has been at nursery for over a year and mine doesn't go yet, my choice. Mine isn't great at sharing (he's 2!?!?) hers is admittedly a bit better. "you should send him to nursery, that would fix that". Whenever mine is having a clingy stage "you should send him to nursery, that would fix that". No mention of the fact her boy was doing exactly the same thing a few weeks ago....

Today we met for lunch. She doesn't do mornings because her boy sleeps until 10am. I don't do lunch dates, generally because my son doesn't eat well in public and its around nap time. So then he's tired AND hangry and it's just not an enjoyable experience. She was late which dragged it all even closer to nap time.

In the end my son was so badly behaved I said i was calling it quits and getting him in the car for nap. Said this is our worst time to do anything, so I'd like to do earlier meets or later meets. Her response was yeah, that's why ive always make my son nap at 3 or 4 so we can have a proper day out. Yet another, 'you should have done it differently barb'. If my son naps that late, my chances of him going to bed are zero. Which is the same for most other mums I know? Right?

So anyway. When she does stuff I wouldn't do. I don't judge her or feel the need to comment on it. So why does she always seem like she's trying to get a one up on me?

I feel like saying f#ck it ive got enough friends and cutting ties. But I haven't really. I'm also hormonal and peed off with my job and my hubby atm so maybe I'm being over sensitive?

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I could handle the barbs, without letting it rile me??

Thanks in advance....

If he naps at 4 and sleep till 10, how late is he going down to sleep?

"you want to keep the relationship but are ready r to lose it so call her it every single time.

"oh you always being much stuff"
"well yes because I have to keep giving it to you when you forget yours"

"if he too nursery he'd be less clingy"
"well what was Bob's excuse last week when he wouldn't let you go?

"Bob sleeps til 10 and naps at 4 so we can a full day out"
"well you must miss the morning by the time he's awake / I wouldn't want Steve going to bed that late Tbh"

All said politely but consistently

Is she the one making these comparisons or is it you? For everyone calling her insufferable or saying she is not your friend - what has she done that is so bad? Got pregnant the same time as you and is doing things her own way. You agreed to the lunch when you knew it not a good time for your DC.

OP I'm sorry you've had a difficult time, and it may not seem fair but the old saying is true, comparison is the thief of joy. There will always be someone who has the easiest birth, the best sleeper, the early walker, the toddler that never tantrums never gets sick and eats everything.

If you really don't like her (and it sounds as you don't) stop seeing her but if she is a long standing friend perhaps revisit when you are.both out of th e toddler stage and things have settled down a bit.

People like that make me laugh. Met soooo many of them when I had my first. With my second the people I’ve met are way more chilled.

Just stop seeing her.

I think you sound very defensive and quite jealous. You take all your friends comments to be a dig at you but I really don't think she means it. Stop being so sensitive.

She sounds a nightmare. Why are you friends exactly?

Children don't fully understand the concept of sharing until they are around 7.....!

Sleeps till ten.. Naps at 4?

He's awake until midnight every night. Betcha.

I had a friend like this too. We eventually stopped seeing each other. I always felt terrible after I had seen her, it wasnt worth it. It forced me to make new friends. You'll be fine let her go. X

Is her child’s father still in the picture? If not, she might find it hard that yours is and is trying to compensate by telling herself how easy she has it

Sorry I only read half that....!!!

You are fabulous mum!! Don't ever compare yourself to someone else! Your baby needs you! You brought him into this world safely. He's here with you! You are there for him.

Your friend isn't helpful, more and likely not being truthful! Sorry, but you don't "just let your child cry".. you're responsive to your child's needs.. I assume she's not. Having children is very challenging and the ones who aren't honest about it are the ones I'd be concerned about. Painting parenting like it's easy, naw it fucking hard work, draining and in some cases bloody bonkers mad. But you get through it and you bloody be proud of yourself cause you have been through alot to get yourself here. Give yourself a break!!

Go get yourself a new real friend. An fill your baby with all the love you have and more because you are doing a fantastic job!

Jeez, she sounds just like my SiL. My 2020 resolution is to make a specific effort to spend more time with people who have a positive impact on my life and less with those who have a negative one. I hope you have some positive people to spend time with or a way of meeting some at baby groups and so forth. For the record, I tend to find that people who have to prove their superiority are not only tedious, but also vainly trying to make themselves believe their own bullsshit

No wonder you’re pissed off with her she’s a smug bellend. A good sleeper is down to pure luck in my experience and nearly everyone else I’ve talked to. The only ones who disagree are smug fuckers.

I wouldn’t bother meeting up with her again why put yourself and your toddler through that? And you’re right about a nap at 3-4pm. Fucking insane. Unless mine were properly ill they were woken up by 3pm no matter what time they went down for a nap or bedtime would have been horrific especially with the youngest. A relative of my partner’s put her 4 year old down for a nap at 5 once. Not my child, bedtime in their house not my problem but my god, I was beside myself! Her child is a terrible sleeper as it goes. Can’t think why.

Yeesh, would love to know what time his bed time is! 10am!!! I’m the same as you op, 18 month old who is crap sleepers/crap eater in public etc and I too haven’t been able to sleep train because I’m a big wimp. I would personally let the friendship go for the sheer fact she gives you constant unwarranted advice!

Smug and superior. I think you’d do well to not see her anymore. Or how about meeting mid afternoon just after nap time? I’m sure her pfb will be fine to play / eat 3-5.

Agree with KC. I don't understand what she has done wrong other than had a baby the same time as you who happens to be more chilled. It sounds like she's tried to be helpful rather than horrible. Ride it out until the easier school phase. And stop comparing.

If my son naps that late, my chances of him going to bed are zero. Which is the same for most other mums I know? Right

First off all, yes. But this child is only getting up at 10am so it makes sense that the nap is later than usual. For instance my DC would wake at 6am ish and nap at 10am.

You have different schedules and different things work for you, and for your DC. She's not better than you, just different. Remind yourself of that when she's getting your back up and maybe being smug. "You're not better than me, Cynthia, just different." 🤷‍♀️

Maybe she doesn’t realise how annoying she is? This is quite often the case. But then again a true friend wouldn’t do this and make you feel like poop. As we know each and every child is different. If she has another child it could be the complete opposite to her first and could be a complete utter nightmare to sleep etc.

My first was a dream baby but I never bragged about it and I’m paying for it now. He’s older now and keeps me on my toes!

Both of your babies sound normal to be honest, some kids are good sleepers and not fussy with food and some aren’t. So there’s absolutely no point in benchmark or competition between the two of you.

She’s either dense as fuck and really doesn’t see how inappropriate it is to constantly compare babies or comment on your parenting or she’s purposefully passive aggressive and is getting some kind of satisfaction from giving her two pence on every subject.

I think I’d either stop spending time with her or I’d have to call her out, I couldn’t just let it continue to happen, raising kids is so hard anyway let alone having someone constantly criticising your choices.
Perhaps next time she says something Along those lines you could simply say “we have such different kids don’t we? It is totally down to luck though you know, sometimes I have worried it’s me but I know it’s not, it’s just the luck of the draw isn’t it....” BIG SMILE, tilt your head and invite her to comment. See if she bites?

Whether it's intentional in her part or not... whether you're hormonal and over sensitive or not... if someone makes you feel this crap, then you need to distance yourself from them for a while.

If you really want to keep in touch, maybe arrange to meet up without children, and agree that you'll spend the first 5 minutes talking about them and then they're a banned subject.

If you feel that she is always making you feel bad then leave her be .
Absolutely no point in persevering with this friendship.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend. Life is too short for her 'competitive parenting' outlook on life. If you don't want to cut ties, I'd definitely consider at least keeping a distance.

I have easy babies and yes I’m smug!

You know it's luck, right?

I had one of these. DD was a tough baby and toddler! Told me to formula feed because DD was BFed and it was tough. Told me to have her in a different room to me as soon as she came home because it's easier. Told me to cry her out because her child was and slept. Told me to lighten up about food because I wanted DD to eat vegetables. Told me so many things.

Her child at 10 is a terrible sleeper who eats crap, is sadly overweight and very anxious. She's a lovely child and I really like her but her mums parenting wasn't as bloody stellar as she thinks.

Having got 3 kids almost to the teenage stage, I can say with absolute certainty, that any parent who feels smug will definitely get their come-uppance at some point in the future. It's really just a matter of when.

My kids were all total nightmares as babies but are are a joy as teenagers. Unlike my friends' kids who all seemed to sleep through the night at 3 days /never tantrum / potty trained in 2 hours etc but are now reeking havoc as teens.

A good mantra for parenting is never take all the credit and never take all the blame.

I might ditch your friend for the moment. No need to make life harder for yourself than you need to.

She doesn't sound like a great friend tbh. Yes you probably are being a bit sensitive as everytime she comments on what her kid does it is not necessarily knocking yours. However if being around her leaves you more stressed than happy meet up less for now. If the behaviour doesn't stop, drop her.

We have a family friend with a ds 3 months older than mine. He was a smaller baby than mine but has now caught up and his mother loves to point it out to me as if my son is regressing! Nope still on the 98th percentile for height as he has been from birth. My ds was great eater when we started weaning , he takes an age to eat whereas hers doesn't. She will not feed him vegetables as he doesn't like them whereas mine eats all sorts but is a slow eater. Her son is also very chilled out but is shy whereas my son is a very loud, confident little boy. All kids are different that is what makes them a joy. I have not once pointed these things out to her apart from recently where I told her the competitive behaviour was getting out of hand and that if it continued I would not be socialising with her. Sometimes you really just need to call people out on their shit otherwise they keep annoying you.

If her child naps a 3/4pm what time does he go to bed!!!

Waking at 10am indicates he must be out to bed late.

Your children are both very young it may feel like one is better is this or that than the other but they all even out in the end. I find that mum friendships can feel very competitive at times. But having a calm baby etc doesn’t really mean that you are doing everything correctly ( as your friend seems to believe).

Only you can really decide if this friendship is actually making you happy. Sometimes friendships just run their course but other times it’s quite easy to project our own insecurities on to others and see jibes where they are not intended. I would not be hasty to dump a friend.