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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nobody's bothering with my new baby

81 replies

tiredandgrumpyx · 14/01/2020 10:18

I gave birth on Friday by emergency c section and came home Sunday I have a two year old dd and an adult dd child. When I had little dd people came to visit bought little gifts and cards ect but this time nothing no visitors no cards nothing. I didn't have a baby shower so I don't know do people generally not bother with second baby's?
I'm feeling very down actually my dh isn't being that nice I've not even had a cheep bunch of flowers from him. He just seems annoyed that he has to help me more. I'm just trying to get on with it as I feel asking for help is just pissing him off
Anyway just wanted to get that off my chest I probably am being unreasonable or hormonal I just feel really forgotten

OP posts:

Seashellsandbuttons · 14/01/2020 10:58

Congrats on the baby!

Yes I agree with others saying that friends and family may be giving you space to recover.

Your DH sounds a bit off though. Don't forget that men can also suffer anxiety and PND too - ask him how he feels?

Sorry if he is genuinely being a sod though . Only you'll know if his behaviour is unusual for him.

(My DH had anxiety and a period of low MH after our child was born by C section. Only realised when I shouted at him for being lazy and he cried)

Sending virtual flowers

bakewreck99 · 14/01/2020 10:58

Your dh should be stepping up. Have you asked any RL friends or family for help? Get on the phone, I do think it’s tricky with c-sections, I bet they are in their minds giving you recovery time, so you take the first step and tell them what would help.

After a baby is a time when you need to ask for help if it’s not coming from dh, not wait for people to make enquiries

JosefKeller · 14/01/2020 11:00

Why is everything about gifts?
it's not about gifts is it?
Even if fathers are supposed to give you jewellery to celebrate the arrival of each baby - I don't know if it's still a tradition, but it was for me

It's about cards, a text, just a bit of support from your close ones.

SallyWD · 14/01/2020 11:01

I think the main issue is your DH not being supportive. I remember when I had my DD (first child) people I hadn't heard from for years came round with generous gifts. I was overwhelmed by it all. When I had my second no one was remotely interested! The people who had sent generous gifts the first time around didn't even send a card. It's weird how people are so uninterested in the subsequent child.

bakewreck99 · 14/01/2020 11:02

I don’t know if they get worn out hearing about the first child in the interim period!

If your dh isn’t supportive for whatever reason though (and mine was very low post dc2 for ages) it’s best to be upfront with any other support you can draw on.

snappycamper · 14/01/2020 11:03

Congratulations

I felt the same after my second child was born. He's 8 now and has an August birthday so people never really bother to mark it in the way that they do the others. It still makes me sad for him every single year so I try to make a big fuss over him.

I always try to make a big fuss of second babies too and make a point of marking their arrival.

corduroyal · 14/01/2020 11:06

I think people give you things after birth more a as a way of recognising your transition to motherhood than giving much of a hoot about the baby tbh.

I had much less fuss about dc2 compared to dc1 but didn't mind as more stuff is just more tidying and sorting.

Tell DH how you feel, ask for what you need, take care of yourself but (and I mean it kindly) don't expect the world to stop because you've had a baby.

MyuMe · 14/01/2020 11:07

It's MEAN of people. I can't forgive it. My Mum barely came and my sister came once.

Just curious: do people really expect sisters etc to take annual leave to assist someone who chose to have another baby?

Recovery from a c section takes weeks and would you really expect family to use up their annual leave entitlement to assist?

People often can't.

Fatasfooook · 14/01/2020 11:08

All the fuss is for the first, every baby after doesn’t get fussed over

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/01/2020 11:13

I got fuss for DC2 but onlu because she was 6 weeks prem & in NICU and my family are v close & supportive. Far fewer cards etc from wider social circle though.

Elbeagle · 14/01/2020 11:18

All the fuss is for the first, every baby after doesn’t get fussed over

People are declaring this as fact, but my friends and family were just as interested in my second and third babies as my first! When my friends have subsequent babies I certainly don’t think ‘ah well it’s not that exciting as they’ve already got children’.

eminencegrise · 14/01/2020 11:22

Your husband needs to step up! You've had 3, so people think you have a handle on it and are giving you space. What was your h like with your first (is he all 3 children's father and he's much older now, or didn't want another?)? Baby showers are usually for first babies only.

LagunaBubbles · 14/01/2020 11:23

Your DH doesn't sound very nice at all. Is he always like this?

JosefKeller · 14/01/2020 11:24

People are declaring this as fact, but my friends and family were just as interested in my second and third babies as my first!

I agree with you, and I had 4.

Mrshue · 14/01/2020 11:25

Oh. I’ve been there my love. Both of my children were in neo natal. They put you on a ward with others who have babies in neo natal. Hoping you’ll all support each other. My room was lovely. But there were some parents who have incredibly sick babies. It was so tough for them

My first I was incredibly poorly. I spent 8 months in hospital

My second. My husband was in hospital himself. My in laws were very sick and looking after my eldest (my husband and in laws are never sick. So they don’t cope well with it). My poor mum was running about. Not one person came to see me. Everyone else had tons of people by their sides. Helping them. I think people worry they are intruding when you’ve got babies in neo natal. But I wanted nothing more than just someone...

At one point the drs rang me up. To explain how incredibly sick my husband was. That they were very worried. I remember bursting into tears. The nurse was trying to soothe me. But I wasn’t making sense and she thought I was talking about my child. Who was doing fabulous.

Heartbreaking. You can always message me xx

ColaFreezePop · 14/01/2020 11:26

The fuss over the first is because at least one of you is a new parent. The lack of fuss over the second and subsequent children is because neither of you are a new parent. This doesn't mean those who like babies and children in general won't fuss over you having a new child regardless of whether it's your first or tenth.

NoNewsisGood · 14/01/2020 11:28

Welcome to the life of a 3rd born child

This is how the 'perfect first born' term was coined. First one - interesting to parents and grandparents and possibly aunts, uncles, etc. as they are all of those things for the first time. After that....meh. The third child will probably hardly get a look in and most days even you'll forget it's name

Supersimkin2 · 14/01/2020 11:28

Well done on the baby OP. But don't get your hopes up - it may be a big change for you, but really, most people are mildly pleased then change the subject. Loads of people I know who had child number 3 were outraged at the lack of fuss from everyone else, it's a thing.

DP, on the other hand, should be delighted.

eminencegrise · 14/01/2020 11:29

My second. My husband was in hospital himself. My in laws were very sick and looking after my eldest (my husband and in laws are never sick. So they don’t cope well with it).

What? He was so sick he was admitted to a hospital and doctors rang you to tell you how ill he was, your ILs despite being ill were still looking after your child and you claim they all don't cope well with illness, felt sorry for yourself you had to behave like an adult and call it all 'heartbreaking' ?

ChangeInTime · 14/01/2020 11:34

I think people give you things after birth more a as a way of recognising your transition to motherhood than giving much of a hoot about the baby tbh.

I agree. I don't think it's surprising that many people aren't all that interested in the second and subsequent babies. When my friends have their first I'm excited for them because they're in a new stage of their life. I'm not all that interested in their actual child though I do ask about them and make all of the right noises. Of course things change with a second baby too but it isn't a major event to other people the way the first was. They've already experienced being a parent so the excitement isn't the same and there isn't exactly a shortage of babies in the world.

The behaviour of the OP's husband is completely inexcusable though. He should be doing everything he can to support the OP. He is as responsible for the baby and the OP and should be doing the majority of the load while the OP recovers.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 14/01/2020 11:37

@JosefKeller my point was OP mentioned gifts and a baby shower in her initial post, as well as expecting a gift from her husband. Are you in the UK or US?

I know push presents are a thing in the US and women are trying to get it to catch on over here!

Ronalda · 14/01/2020 11:45

When I had my first dd, I had tonnes of visitors, and got sent about 20 bouquets of flowers. I didn’t have her until I was 39, after TTC for almost 6 years, so my friends knew what a big deal it was and reacted in kind!

When dd2 arrived 18 months later, there were far fewer visitors, flowers and gifts - but I didn’t mind. It wasn’t such a ‘big thing’ for my friends now that I already had one dc.

SVRT19674 · 14/01/2020 11:49

Congratulations on your baby! Well done! I have a 17 month old so all my thoughts are with you. Wow, you definitely need help and I hope your husband stops his selfish attitude and does what a father should be doing, his share, not just helping! I also had an emergency cesarian section so I know what it's like! Ask for help around! Dont be shy. And show big manchild the thread!

CakeandCustard28 · 14/01/2020 11:49

I think it’s the norm. With my first all my family and friends visited, with my second I saw my mum and my SIL and that was it for months! I think it’s a case of “been there, done that” and people just aren’t as excited compared to a first baby.

Original poster

tiredandgrumpyx · 14/01/2020 11:55

It's as I expected I guess I'm being overly sensitive! I don't expect much just a card from close friends and family saying congratulations.
Flowers from dh would have cheered me up and and made me feel appreciated I don't know ivv BC will massively lower my expectations I usually don't ask for anything or expect anything. I just thought you know I've had a baby plus major surgery. If I'd had my gall bladder out I would probably have gotten a get well soon card from at least someone.

Dh is an arse and a lot of you have hit the nail on the head
He made boiled eggs earlier so is behaving as if he's won master chef and I'm oh so ever so grateful smh

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