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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you tell someone their DC are annoying?

65 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 08:58

A friend wants to meet with their DC who are demanding and rude, bossing mine around and me as well!

When I said we were busy last time and couldn't meet I was told her DC are sad and upset...would you tell her the reasons why? Or just leave it.

OP posts:
MzHz · 14/01/2020 09:07

Oh I loathe the “oh my kids will be so upset” bollocks.

It’s crap, manipulative and usually completely untrue!

Do what suits you! Her kids are awful, she has not raised them well, you can’t tell her, but that’s her lookout.

thejollyroger · 14/01/2020 09:08

No, I wouldn’t. If you tell her you lose the friendship.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 14/01/2020 09:08

Could you meet at a soft play so the children can be left to their own devises to a degree?

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 09:09

It is a bit manipulative. I don;t want my DC growing up thinking we need to please others and their feelings are more important etc- to have a friend you need to be a friend also, not just demand it. (I grew up being taught this myself and as a real people pleaser for years, getting walked over and it was hard to change!)

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 14/01/2020 09:10

How she acts when you are all together will tell you her response if you did say something. Does she attempt to control and tell off any bad behaviour?

I don't think you can use the word annoying but you could say that your children don't find it fun to be bossed around, etc.

Might be time for some childfree catch ups!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/01/2020 09:11

Could you meet at a soft play so the children can be left to their own devises to a degree?

Sorry to derail thread but Angry, no. Children cannot be left to their own devices at a soft play, that's exactly how they end up barging round like tyrants.

Grape0 · 14/01/2020 09:12

I wouldn't tell her - but I also wouldn't meet up with her and her children!

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 09:12

Too old for soft play (old enough to choose own friends methinks also)

Well, just refusing will lose the friendship also. There we go. I mean they have brought up the behaviour themselves in a way by being defensive e.g. when mine said please and thank you...saying they had 'never told theirs to say that' as if it was me being, well, authoritarian or something Confused

Also see quite a bit of shrugging off behaviour such as swearing "Oh they have such potty mouths, they get it from school'.

OP posts:
thejollyroger · 14/01/2020 09:13

Well, just refusing will lose the friendship also. There we go.

So nothing gained by telling her. Her first loyalty will be to her kids and by telling her you don’t like them you will just offend her. Just step back from the friendship.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 09:15

But have not ever mentioned behaviour myself, so it is kind of obvious it is an issue.

There is no SEN just lapse parenting, no expectations / boundaries etc

OP posts:
Dhalandchips · 14/01/2020 09:15

I'd be interested to know how it went if you did! I have friends whom I adore. I love their company but their kids... We'll it's the younger one actually, just so loud, demanding, wants to be part of everything, knows it all, unbelievably irritating, doesn't respond to stop or no. Can't wait for him to grow out of it. But I'd never tell his parents...

CalmdownJanet · 14/01/2020 09:15

I wouldn't use the word annoying but I would say something. What are the kids?

Have you ever said anything or will this come as a bolt out of the blue?

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 09:17

Yes, I think just 'busy' might be easiest. What to reply if get the 'upset' thing, Sorry to hear that, or just leave it I reckon.

I mean maybe they need to learn people won;t want to be around them if they act like that to them. That they need to be kind / friendly.

OP posts:
Pilot12 · 14/01/2020 09:17

Tell her your children have too much on and arrange a child free meeting with her instead. Just because you're friends with her it doesn't mean your kids have to like or be friends with her kids.

FairytaleofBykerGrove · 14/01/2020 09:17

No. You’re not available and that’s as much info as they get. I’ve been on both ends of this and it’s the best way.

Yehdivvy · 14/01/2020 09:18

I've had a similar problem and I've gone very, very low contact with them, only seen them 8nce in 6 months. The boy in question is a spoilt, only child whose mum thinks tbh thinks the sun shines out of his arse. I can't engage with the deluded woman so I hardly see them, I make plans for every time she wants to meet. So now she's stopped asking, don't feel guilty about protecting your children.

FairytaleofBykerGrove · 14/01/2020 09:18

And what Pilot12 said - keep the friendship between yourselves. If she’s got half a brain, she’ll figure it out.

CalmdownJanet · 14/01/2020 09:19

Sorry cross posts, if they are a bit older I'd just say "Sure I'd love a catch up, can we do child free? Sorry to say I don't think they are going to be friends outside of our friendship so we might just park the play dates and do catch up's ourselves"

JosefKeller · 14/01/2020 09:19

Of course don't tell her.

Anyone's children are annoying to everybody else.

That's life.
People see kids because they want to see the parents and the kids come with, or so the kids play with your own (who you do love Grin ).

No one wants to hear it.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 09:19

I haven't said anything but have turned down invites a couple of times (with the 'upset' response) but they keep trying to rearrange...there have been discussions (above) and also times such as my eldest trying to 'escape' by coming and hiding in the kitchen with the adults, and youngest going off on his own also, when I have said out loud, oh how is it going are you having a break? for example.

they have brought it up how they find them quite demanding also (maybe why they want to come hang out with us to deal with them perhaps!)

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 14/01/2020 09:20

Suggest an adult meet up in a dc free place... She may get the hint. Or be honest. Spare time is rare friend, can we have an adult meet up for a change?

OrangeHeadMummy · 14/01/2020 09:24

Are you communicating via text or are you actually taking in person or over the phone?

I think you need to have a discussion along the lines of... ‘last time the dc didn’t seem to get on well and you think they need some space from each other’.

Actually you probably could text that.

thejollyroger · 14/01/2020 09:25

If she keeps pushing then in the end I would tell her. It just wouldn’t be my first move.

SpinneyHill · 14/01/2020 09:29

"This is really difficult because you're a friend, but my kids are upset and sad about having to see yours as they don't like the way they play, shall we try to compromise? you tell your kids to be nice and I'll tell mine to start telling yours No. Would that work for you?"

teethgrindwind · 14/01/2020 09:29

I can't see criticising her kids going at all well. Why not approach it from the kids want to see their XX friends instead of hanging around with mums mates. Then give it the 🙄 they are at THAT awkward age. You could even throw in they get it from school 🤭