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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you tell someone their DC are annoying?

65 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 08:58

A friend wants to meet with their DC who are demanding and rude, bossing mine around and me as well!

When I said we were busy last time and couldn't meet I was told her DC are sad and upset...would you tell her the reasons why? Or just leave it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 09:33

They seem keen for the DC to be friends, have asked for their mobile numbers so they can call them etc (I said ok but not during school as phones can get confiscated etc) Anyway haven't seen them calling much

i really think DC need left to make their own friends. Have too much parental involvement in primary age - another different mum being 'upset' one of mine din't seem as friendly with theirs, as well.. (I shrugged and said I'm sure they can sort it out themselves)

I kind of get it in early years of primary (possibly) but my the older years of primary school think this parental organising of friendships can start to get in the way of them sorting themselves out.

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Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 09:35

Teeth yes good plan. In fact last time my eldest did just that- made a plan with a friend and went out! The mum queried that a bit also.

And yes can be 'that age' also. Soon will be secondary age and might be easier, no-one wants to hang out with mums and their friends kids then (thankfully!)

hers are a bit younger so might be the issue also

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Linguaphile · 14/01/2020 09:36

I wouldn’t tell her, but YANBU to find the behavior irritating. I get the feeling, I have a hard time with my brother and SIL’s kids but could never say it as I want to make sure the relationship stays intact. They have 4 kids who are loud, destructive, and have zero personal space boundaries. They’re actually nice kids in the sense that they’re not bullies or outright mean (just socially awkward), but they’re very hard to be around, especially as their parents just ignore the tornado of chaos and destruction they leave in their path. The oldest is also bossy and has an overinflated sense of his own knowledge and abilities, and it really rubs me up the wrong way when he tries to boss around and/or talk down to my kids.

Anyway. I would never tell them this as I love them and want to maintain the relationship. But I will admit that I try whenever possible to make excuses for meeting up that do not involve the kids.

ImNotACuntYoureACunt · 14/01/2020 09:37

I have a similar problem only it’s my niece and nephews who my children and I try and avoid spending time with due to their behaviour and, as all the children have got older, their parents total lack of control and boundaries which is making my children very resentful.

I’ve hinted to the children’s parents about their behaviour being an issue and it went down like a cup of cold sick. There is literally no point at all so I keep quiet, screen my calls a lot of the time and on the occasions we can’t avoid them, watch like a hawk and count to 10 a lot. Then in the car on the way home swear down that I’m not putting up with that all again Hmm

MaxPaddyandHarry · 14/01/2020 09:38

Tell her children are awful if you will, but be prepared for her to pass a few opinions about yours.

SpinneyHill · 14/01/2020 09:41

Unless she is told that their behaviour is putting others off being around them how is she supposed to know? No parent wants their kid to struggle making friends and it sounds like she's a bit dense about the impact it's had.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 09:42

It's really difficult isn't it, we have it also with some cousins too as well

It't sometimes easier if the parents aren;t around I noticed with some DC on playdates as you become the default parent / on charge and they will respond better.

But when the parents are there it is more difficult to say anything even if they are running riot. My DH hates it also

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SpinneyHill · 14/01/2020 09:48

A friend of mine said something to me about my oldest being too much for her DS, she was as nice as she could be, yes it put my nose out of joint and yes I did respond with a list of misdemeanours her DS had committed!
BUT
In my case it also led to the realisation he wasn't just 'high spirited' or a bit behind socially and he has now been diagnosed with ADHD and I'm so grateful to her for putting herself through the awkwardness because he now has a few friends.

SpinneyHill · 14/01/2020 09:50

Obviously not saying that's the case here. But as parents we do sometimes need to have the pink glasses taken off by someone.

TeaNero · 14/01/2020 09:56

It depends, if you really like this person and the friendship is important to you, I'd say unapologetically that your dc aren't keen on socialising with her dc and that from now onwards meet up are for the mums only. It's hard but will make you feel in control.

chamenanged · 14/01/2020 10:09

She's being unfair wanting you to make your kids hang out with hers, and if they're younger it's especially not on. She sounds overbearing herself though so unlikely that mentioning it will help - they're modelling their parents' behaviour like most kids do.

BeyondMyWits · 14/01/2020 10:10

I found a judicious "WILL YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT!!" shouted during one particularly bad "play date" with a friend's child - followed by an exasperated, spoken "How the hell do you put up with that every day? Is there anything I can do to help? really helped clear the air.

It was an instinctive reaction though, to an incident with a dumbell, repeated deliberate dropping, and parquet flooring - not planned...

TowerRingInferno · 14/01/2020 10:10

If you like her and want to maintain the friendship then say how nice it would be to meet up without any children for a drink/cinema/meal/walk etc.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 10:13

the only issue with saying stuff like the DC don't get on is it might get back to them through the DC if they phone etc. I can just see it "I hear you don't like me" Hmm

Yes think there is something in the modelling of parents behaviour also. In fact i'm not too concerned about continuing with this friendship and think will just avoid and hope it drifts. The thing with the DC and the messages has made me think more about it

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Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 10:14

I don't think shouting is a good plan, surely that would just make you seem bit, well unhinged?

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Mrsjayy · 14/01/2020 10:18

Suggest meeting up without the kids saysomething like it would be nice to have some adult time and just repeat, ignore the kids are sad nonsense OR suggest the cinema so nobody is actually speaking,Of course you can't tell her the kids are annoying

Foslady · 14/01/2020 10:23

Pre empt it with your dc’s - it’s not you I don’t like it’s your behaviour

olivertwistwantsmore · 14/01/2020 10:26

Could you say 'Oh the dc didn't get on very well the last time we met, so why don't we just meet for lunch without them?'

BeyondMyWits · 14/01/2020 10:27

"I don't think shouting is a good plan, surely that would just make you seem bit, well unhinged"

ahhhhh - well, that would suggest that they aren't that demanding and rude. Smile

I have one friend's child who I have to hold back the urge for shoutiness every. single. time. But she is a good friend who - without question - dropped everything and drove me 4 hours when I needed someone to help. You don't get many friendships like that in a lifetime, so an annoying, demanding, rude child is a small price to pay.

How much do you value the friendship?

74NewStreet · 14/01/2020 10:27

Too old for soft play and old enough to choose their own friends?
Just tell her your kids don’t want to go Confused
Any remarks on her kid’s behaviour will not be well received.

Shockers · 14/01/2020 10:33

‘The kids have their own social calendars now- I don’t get involved! I’d love to meet up with you for a coffee/lunch/drink though 😃’

MzHz · 14/01/2020 10:35

Why on earth did you encourage the swapping of kids numbers when your kids don’t actually like these kids? I’d get the numbers blocked as a starting point.

Then if you actually like this woman be proactive and ask her out for an evening event that’s without kids.

If you can’t do that or carry on as you are and she trots out the manipulative “oh the dc will be so upset” bullshit, just ignore it. Don’t reply, don’t reward that shit with any response.

So on top of having awful kids due to her shit parenting, she has the gaul to try to sneer at you because you’ve taught your own kids to have manners?

Fuck. That. Shit.

Some friendships don’t survive children.

BarkandCheese · 14/01/2020 10:37

I wouldn’t bluntly say your children don’t like hers, but I think you could be euphemistic with phrases like “very different personalities” and “outgrown the friendship” and get the point across.

Mrsjayy · 14/01/2020 10:38

Why did you give your kids phone numbers out that is ridiculous you say you dont want to mix with these children but give your kids numbers out willy nilly, no wonder your friend is getting mixed messages.

thejollyroger · 14/01/2020 10:40

Not even in secondary yet and there are issues with swapping numbers etc? Confused That makes it a bit more tricky since you are the one providing the means for her children to contact yours, and since she is your friend, it puts them in an awkward position, doesn’t it?