Would you tell someone their DC are annoying?

[Orangeblossom78]

A friend wants to meet with their DC who are demanding and rude, bossing mine around and me as well!

When I said we were busy last time and couldn't meet I was told her DC are sad and upset...would you tell her the reasons why? Or just leave it.

If your kids aren't keen then I'd say just that. You don't have to say why. Just that they're not feeling it and then suggest doing something for the two of you only.

You actually furnished this woman with your kid’s mobile numbers?! Wtf?

Yes, she doesn't sound very nice, tbh. Manipulative ("DC are sooo upset!") and also critical of perfectly normal parenting (please and thank you).

If she wants her kids to have friends and playdates then she needs to teach them to be kind and halfway polite. Instead she seems proud to be taking the opposite approach. And she's trying to coerce other people into playdates which she clearly suspects they don't want.

The apples haven't fallen far from the tree here.

Can you meet her with or without her children but not inflict her children on your children? Only you will know if you can tolerate the whole package, however, I think it is unfair to inflict her children on your children ... they have no connection and it's not a "have to get on" situation as at school etc. Perhaps her children and she has less than pleasant views of your children.

I'd say something like "I'm not sure the DCs get on that well so am not keen to get them together". If you know her other than as a mum-friend then offer to meet her separately.

Yes I was unsure about the swapping numbers thing and so spoke to my DC first. Eldest said he 'didn't mind' however youngest was unsure so for how have told them my eldest's number but not to call during the day (school very strict and will take the phone). There have only been a couple of texts. But in retrospect think yes it was maybe not a good idea to swap. Tricky. He is a teen now which is why I let him decide

Then let him text and say no thanks, he has other plans. Stop stressing about it, you’re overthinking it quite dramatically.

If you value her friendship why can’t you arrange to just meet up for a coffee/drink/cinema trip? If you don’t want to do that then presumably the friendship has run its course anyway?

I get it’s awkward but you could just say something like ‘I don't arrange my children’s social life now that they’ve grown out of Playdates’

Sorry if it seems overthinking, I have been a people pleaser and finding ti hard to let go of not 'upsetting' people.

Yes it was the mum kept going on about swapping numbers etc. I should have stopped it there by saying thanks but not passing them on I guess.

We had another time with a boy with difficult behaviour at school also and phoning, he was really demanding, mentioned to school in the end as he's well known to them and they said put a stop to it straightaway. So DC1 dealt with that pretty well think we blocked the number in the end.

I am unsure if I do value the friendship myself anymore as far as I am concerned this manipulative behaviour is not very friendly with me either. Starting to see the true colours. Have met a couple of mum friends who can be quite manipulative and just seem to want me to do pick ups etc so a bit more wary now. Might stick to other better friendships perhaps.

You can usually tell because if you stop doing the stuff they want with the kids they vanish I find

I think I would just say your DC find it a bit much and would rather not at the moment but would she like to do XYZ instead.

I have a Friend whose children are rude, shouty, badly behaved and not very nice to other Kids. I won’t see them together now. No point telling her. I made a point of saying to mine, in front of her and her kids, ‘remember your manners, sit nicely, etc etc’, overly parenting them as a hint to deal with her rude children who were creating mayhem. She was oblivious. People who parent like this will never change and don’t see it as an issue, So no point Pointing it out. But don’t meet up with the kids there.

A while ago we stopped seeing another friend because her child wouldn’t let mine play with any other toys at her house. When we didn’t go back, she asked why and I told her. She said ‘but X likes to keep her Lego models complete and her tea set just so and doesn’t like anyone playing with her special (all of them) toys etc’. I said that’s fine but it stops other kids be able to play at your house and my children don’t want to come back as a result. She was probably upset but was fine about it and we are still friends today, just as adults and we never see each others kids. She was ‘that’ parent who said ‘X is experimenting with gravity!’ When X was chucking toys and other things down the stairs and breaking them. Funnily enough her child has problems at school. She never made friends (no shit Sherlock with the lessons about peer play at home) and she didn’t ever settle into education. Funny that - no rules at home and allowed to rule the roost and then unable to tolerate an environment where there are rules for everyone’s benefit and safety....

Don’t say anything, just distance yourself and resolve never to parent in this way. I’ve seen it all too often create unpopular, unhappy kids. It’s very sad, but it shouldn’t impact on your own children.

I would probably call a halt to the friendship you are meant to enjoy seeing your friends this woman and her family is just stressing you.

Sounds like carrying on on the friendship is being unfair to your DC. Just say no to her and don't insist on your children having to swap numbers etc with hers. If they don't get on with them why should they have to put up them. Specially if they're unpleasant and yours try to get away from them. I'd say don't put them through it, if you can't say no to her then see her again but don't make your kids go along as well.