AIBU to think this is a bit insensitive?

[KitKat1985]

Started another post but somehow posted too soon, so have asked MNHQ to remove that as it made no sense. In essence I've had a disastrous month financially due to unavoidable household emergencies, (needed a new boiler) and I've got some debt to repay. Old friend messaged me the other day who I've not seen in ages to ask if me and another old friend would like to have a catch up, and if we would like to join her at a spa day at a posh hotel. So as not to drip feed, I think both these friends have always been more financially comfortable than me, but it's usually not a massive issue. On this occasion however I decided to bite the bullet and admit (somewhat embarrassingly) that I'm struggling with money at the moment, and I'd love to catch up but could we do dinner or something rather than an expensive spa day. She's replied basically saying 'oh but they've got an offer on so it's only £70 at the moment'. That's still a lot of money to me! Plus it'll be more than £70 by the time we buy food and drinks there too. Then I just felt really awkward, as she obviously doesn't consider that to be a lot of money and must just think I'm really tight, so I've said I'll think about it. But now I think about it I'm wondering if she was a bit insensitive to reply like that. It's pretty embarrassing to be honest to have to admit to someone who is financially very comfortable that I'm struggling and can't keep up with their lifestyle choices. AIBU?

YANBU, just say 'that still won't be possible, been a busy month. Maybe another time, would lunch work for you instead?'

Why did you not reply 'sorry that's still too much, can't make it this time but have a great time'?

Only £70! 😂

It was insensitive -£70 is a lot of money. She should have checked what kind of budget worked for you.

I would reply and say you’ve looked again at your budget for the month and you just can’t stretch to it.

In fairness, if you suggested going out for dinner as an alternative to the spa day, you were arguably not clearly conveying the message that you have no disposable fun money this month.

I don't know why you're embarassed. just say 'sorry can't afford 70 pounds this month but have fun. End of

It probs was a bit insensitive but I doubt it was deliberate. £70 to some people just isn't a lot, but just after xmas a day like that is probs a push for a lot of people. Id just say what with xmas and some unexpected bills, You’ve looked again at your finances and its a no from you

Why is it insensitive? I don't get all this stuff, you can't afford it say so. Does that mean no one should ever ask you to do anything?

I have a friend who does this type of thing fairly regularly. And also gets irritated by people who can't or don't want to afford to do the activities she wants to do.
After a number of years of this, I told her directly that I found it hurtful that she couldn't accept that I really couldn't pay for some of the activities she was keen on doing. She was fine about it, said she hadn't realised she was being insensitive and that's was it.

@nokidshere I guess I felt a bit embarrassed. Also I would like to see her and other friend as it's been a while since we last caught up, and we've known each other for nearly 15 years so are old friends.

@FetchezLaVache I could probably have scraped £20 together for dinner. But £70 plus probably another £20 for lunch and drinks on top would be pushing it. I also wanted to be clear that I was happy to meet up and it wasn't a brush off, I just was hoping we could do something a bit cheaper.

I think it's insensitive if people don't take no for an answer (not saying this was necessarily the case with the OP)

@nokidshere I guess I felt a bit embarrassed. Also I would like to see her and other friend as it's been a while since we last caught up, and we've known each other for nearly 15 years so are old friends.

If you have known each other for 15yrs and are good friends then why be embarrassed?

She has obviously not quite realised the extent or the issue, or perhaps you downplayed it.

Nothing wrong with saying 'It sounds fabulous, but that's still too much for this month - can we grab a coffee or a lunch? I've budgeted myself £20 for an outing to try and get back under control!'

@nokidshere the insensitive bit wasn't being invited in the first place. I meant I think it was a bit insensitive after I replied saying I was struggling to effectively belittle the fact I didn't have 'only' £70 spare.

Why is it insensitive? I don't get all this stuff, you can't afford it say so. Does that mean no one should ever ask you to do anything?

Because the OP had already said she couldn't afford it. I don't think it's insensitive for people to do things that other people can't afford, but it's insensitive to make them feel like they're making a fuss about nothing when they've said they are strapped for cash.

Having said that, I agree with the poster who said that if OP suggested going out for dinner instead, she has muddied the waters a bit.

@nokidshere the insensitive bit wasn't being invited in the first place. I meant I think it was a bit insensitive after I replied saying I was struggling to effectively belittle the fact I didn't have 'only' £70 spare.

But you were ambiguous so maybe she just thought the it was the original price that was too much. Next time be clearer so there's no misunderstanding.

I would specifically cite your new boiler/Christmas. People know boilers cost a lot.

@FetchezLaVache £70 is a LOT! I would never expect dinner to cost that much. Big leap from 'no disposable money' to £70

It was insensitive because you'd said that the reason you weren't going was because of money. It would be different if you'd have said oh I don't fancy it but you were clear and £70 isn't a small amount. People who don't have to worry or think about money don't realise sometimes, that doesn't mean it isn't hurtful. I'd just reply saying sorry, can't stretch to it this month, maybe another time. Let me know if you decide you'd like to meet for dinner and maybe throw in 'I've heard so and so cheapish place is really nice!'

YANBU. Just text back and say you can't make the Spa but would love to catch up over coffee or dinner soon.

I wouldn’t think her insensitive, just living a different life. To her a £70 is a bargain, to you it’s a lot. Both perspectives are fine.

Don’t feel embarrassed or anything, just reply with “precisely. But as my budget is £20 I’ll pass - maybe see you in the pub for a drink after?”
Sometimes we’re well off, sometimes we’re skint. No need to be proud or ashamed of either state, OP.

@nokidshere possibly I did misunderstood what she meant and she meant she had a price better than the original price. But it still made me feel a bit uncomfortable and like the party pooper friend who doesn't even have 'only' £70 spare.

£70 most certainly is a lot of money, especially for a ‘spa day’ . Just tell her you have other things you’d rather spend the money on but thanks anyway.

I don't think she was being deliberately insensitive and I think you're trying to pretend you're more well off than you are so as to 'fit in' with these friends, judging by your OP.

You don't need to do that. Real friends don't care how much money you have.
If my friend told me they couldn't afford something I'd suggested I'd happily get my wellies out and suggest a dog walk and pub lunch.

If you feel like you can't be honest with your friend I'd suggest reconsidering whether she really is a friend.

In the past perhaps you would have done something like that which is why she suggested it. "only £70" is just relative to how much it cost before.

You're being a bit of a martyr. Just say you can't and suggest something else, and be clearer about the situation.

Just reply back and say: My boiler broke this month and so I am not only totally cleaned out but also in debt so unfortunately can't pay the 70. I could meet you for a coffee at the spa place part way through the day though as I'd love to see you both.