AIBU to think this is a bit insensitive?

[KitKat1985]

Started another post but somehow posted too soon, so have asked MNHQ to remove that as it made no sense. In essence I've had a disastrous month financially due to unavoidable household emergencies, (needed a new boiler) and I've got some debt to repay. Old friend messaged me the other day who I've not seen in ages to ask if me and another old friend would like to have a catch up, and if we would like to join her at a spa day at a posh hotel. So as not to drip feed, I think both these friends have always been more financially comfortable than me, but it's usually not a massive issue. On this occasion however I decided to bite the bullet and admit (somewhat embarrassingly) that I'm struggling with money at the moment, and I'd love to catch up but could we do dinner or something rather than an expensive spa day. She's replied basically saying 'oh but they've got an offer on so it's only £70 at the moment'. That's still a lot of money to me! Plus it'll be more than £70 by the time we buy food and drinks there too. Then I just felt really awkward, as she obviously doesn't consider that to be a lot of money and must just think I'm really tight, so I've said I'll think about it. But now I think about it I'm wondering if she was a bit insensitive to reply like that. It's pretty embarrassing to be honest to have to admit to someone who is financially very comfortable that I'm struggling and can't keep up with their lifestyle choices. AIBU?

No, your friend wasn’t being insensitive. I think you’re being over sensitive in this instance.

You weren’t clear in your reply about being skint and expected your friend to be a mind reader and then got the hump when she misunderstood and assumed that ‘Dinner’ meant you could still afford a treat out with friends.

Just be honest and tell her that having to shell out for a new boiler just after Christmas has left you short of cash and you can’t afford a Spa day but you’d still like to meet up and could they do a coffee date another day instead?

It’s really not difficult if you’re honest and clear with people.

Do be open with these old friends, OP. Tell them you'd love to see them and really sorry that you're up to your eyes right now and simply can't afford it. Invite them to yours for an evening instead.

£70 is a week and a half of food shopping for us. Only £70 indeed. 😂

Just say you’ve tried to jiggle things around money-wise and you still can’t stretch, or just a simple ‘Sorry, maybe another time!’

Well, given Spa Days at ‘Posh hotels ’ are usually a lot more expensive than that, and YOU said you couldn’t afford an expensive spa day I don’t think she was being insensitive letting you know she’d got it for a bargain price.

It would have been better to have been more upfront originally instead of embarrassed & unclear.

Your friend identified an activity she would like to do and invited you along. She’s the organiser and lead for this meet up. If she wanted a general meet up with options open on what to do, then she would have said that. She didn’t.

It was a bit rude to suggest something else. The right thing to do was say you couldn’t make as your January finances where stretched and you couldn’t make it. Or you just couldn’t make it.

If I suggest something I don’t mind others saying no, for whatever reason. I do mind them jumping in with other suggestions. And to be honest I’m not always that interested in essays on why they can’t or don’t want to come.

Just tell her that it's not possible right now, but you are looking forward to the next one, when money won't be so tight. If she's a genuine friend, she would offer to pay for you , not tell you it's only 70 quid. That's a lot of money to a lot of us.

Not insensitive, she just means its usually double that.

You need to be clearer!

Why are you skirting about it like not being about to afford £70 for a day out is something to be ashamed of?

"I'm totally skint this month. I'd love to see you both but probably more in a lunch out or a movie or a walk/coffee/cake price bracket at the moment"

I think this shoudl be everyone's New Year's Resolution - stop pretending you are better off than you are.

"It's pretty embarrassing to have to admit to someone who is financially very comfortable that I'm struggling and can't keep up with their lifestyle choices. AIBU?"

YABU! Very

"Great bargain - you two snap it up and I'll look forward to seeing you asap"

bit thoughtless but doesn't sound malicious. Perhaps a bit dumb so just say 'sorry, can't afford it - boiler repair etc - another time'.

if she doesn't get that, jettison.

I think she could have handled the situation more sensitively but it doesn't seem like a big issue to me. £70 is a lot to some people and not a lot to others. I can see how if you'd suggested dinner (which can easily be not much less than £70) she wouldn't have thought a spa day for £70 was that much more. For a full spa day £70 doesn't sound a lot, however, that doesn't mean that you have room for it in your monthly budget, particularly where there have been emergencies.

I always think that our embarrassment about talking about money causes all of these problems. If you'd said to her "I only have £x to spend" then she wouldn't have said that £70 wasn't much but would have worked within your budget. Not blaming you, everyone is uncomfortable about talking about money which just leads to embarrassment. I really doubt that she thinks you're tight - she just wants to go on a spa day with you and is disappointed you've said no, albeit for a perfectly sensible reason.

I earn a lot more than most of my friends and it can be frustrating when you want to do something nice that's not a big deal for you but is for your friends (I know, world's smallest violin). However, once you know their budget for the activity it's usually easy to work out something that makes everyone happy. If they just say that's too much it can feel like mind reading to try to work out what is an acceptable amount.

I'd reply something like "that's a great deal but my boiler's just cost me a fortune and things are tight this month. I can spare about £x but any more than that doesn't work atm - perhaps we can arrange to do a spa day in future when things are better? How about dinner on [DATE]?"

When you suggested going for dinner you move the goal posts from 'I have no money' to 'I don't have much money'. The latter means different things to different people so I think it's fine for your friend to clarify the cost of this and it's also fine for you to say that's still unaffordable for you and you hope she has a good time.

How's it insensitive? Just tell her sorry, no can do.

It would be insensitive if you’d said no, you could afford it. But you asked for a cheaper alternative “dinner or something”. She thinks the spa is a cheaper alternative because it’s cheaper than usual.

Just reply, “still too much, I mean I’m properly skint! Really want to see you both - how about dinner at near the spa after you finish?”

Does she has a history of trying to make you feel smaller than her, or nit picking / putting you down in ways? If so, yes it may be part of the bigger trend.

If no, perhaps she is just being massively ignorant but meant no harm (but obviously caused it through her ignorance). If you are good friends and have been since 15 and had a good and non-toxic friendship since then, and this is massively out of character, I would be inclined to think she wasn't thinking (as wrong is that is!) about your situation properly / didn't realise how tight it is for you right now.

I think I'd be inclined to reply something along the lines of "Sorry, even if it's a good deal I just don't have £70 spare at the moment, things are really tight. I'd love to see you both though as it's been ages and missing you. If you could meet somewhere cheap and cheerful I would love to come! x"

YANBU OP. My DP has habit for this type of comment and I have to reign him back in. While we're financially comfortable I grew up with very little money so know only too well how awful you can feel if people don't grasp what is truly meant by not being able to afford things.

There's a big difference between not being able to afford something and not wanting to pay for something and unfortunately I find the people that blur that line the most are those with more money.

My DP has learned to stop saying he can't afford something in front of me now ("yes you bloody can afford it - you just don't want to" is my token reply), but he does often make suggestions of expensive days out to people who just can't afford it. He's said to me before "but it's only £25"... yes, it is, but there's also 4 of them so £100, not £25, which is probably about a week and a half's worth of shopping for them.

It's infuriating OP so I apologise on behalf of your friends!

I'd be tempted to a reply along the lines of "I'd love to come but I really need to be able to eat that week as well, so I'm just going to have to take a pass on it this time. Don't let it stop you having fun though. How about meeting up (at someone's house) for dinner and drinks one evening next month though?"

I agree she did mean that the rpoice was good as in lower than what it normally is.

Just get back to her and say that its great she found such an opportunity but unfortunatly you cant do that this month.
Reiterate that you would love to see them over dinner but that you wish they'll have a lovely time time at the spa.

"Great bargain - you two snap it up and I'll look forward to seeing you asap"

"Maybe next time!"

etc.

Still not honest.

Tell your friend "I just can't afford it! but would still love to see you both soon"

£70 is our food money for two weeks, I couldn’t afford it. Better to say no than get into more debt I think your being very sensible.
Sometimes we have a shortage of food but we try and manage because the alternative is we are worse off the following month and get a roll on effect. Don’t worry about it.

Couldn't you invite them round to your house, make a cake, have afternoon tea?

Just say "I really don't have £70 to spend. Would be lovely to catch up over coffee or lunch soon though, I'll look forward to hearing about the spa x".

A real friend won't get the huff but sometimes you have to be blunt with people.

She's your friend - if she thought it was a bit insensitive she would not have said it. Maybe she has accidentally been insensitive but as your friend I doubt she was trying to hurt your feelings. I bet she would be disappointed if she found out you posted a national thread about it rather than just texted her back to explain you just paid for a new boiler and can't afford £70 this month.

why do you feel embarrassed? No need to compete with the Joneses at all times.

You were not clear at all anyway, if you suggested diner, it's a lot more than £20. If you are struggling, just say meet for coffee, it makes more sense.

I usually use the "I can't afford it" excuse to decline things I can't be bothered to go - no one bats an eyelid, and I am not embarrassed. You need to stop competing with your friends.

Thank you for your replies. Probably I have been a bit oversensitive and should have been clearer. I'm guessing though that some of you must be based in London etc though because where I live dinner is nowhere near similar to the cost of a spa day. Usually a two course meal round where I live is about £15, plus drinks! She's not the type to be deliberately insensitive, so I'm probably just overthinking how she worded it a bit.

If your boiler hadn't broke, would you have been able to afford a £70 spa day? I wouldn't be embarrassed. If they are good friends they won't think anything of it. Just explain you've had an unexpected expense with the boiler and you need to make the rest spread til the end of January. She might have been insensitive, but if she hadn't all the facts then she wasn't to know exactly how strapped you are.