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AIBU?

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Original poster

This isn’t normal is it?

90 replies

LittlePinkHandbag · 13/01/2020 09:12

I have a very good friend. Our husband’s work together and we just hit it off. We have been friends for about 3 years. We text all the time and see each other about 3 times a week. We text good morning and good night every day. We send around 20-30 messages every day, even if we see each other.
At the weekend I was talking to my sister in law and mentioned some of the above. She said that it’s not normal and my brother would be worried that she was having an affair if she had a friend like that! Having thought about it, she’s right, isn’t she? I can’t explain why it started or who started it but I know we both rely on each other being there. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
RusselHoward · 13/01/2020 10:56

I'm guessing it's also a couple of words up to max 3 sentences per text, e.g. modern whatsapping rather than old school 'texting' where you had to get your money's worth from each message!

DeathStare · 13/01/2020 10:56

Who cares whether it's "normal" or not? (What is "normal anyway???) It works for you. It works for your friend. Your DH has no problem with it. Her DH has no problem with it. I assume neither of your DC (if you have any) are suffering because of it. So your SIL's opinion really doesn't matter. Don't change something that works well for you just because she doesn't think it's "normal"

SarahAndQuack · 13/01/2020 10:58

My initial response is that it's a lot of texts, but then like a lot of others on this thread, I have a group of friends in an online message thingy and we chatter all day. Not sure I'd send 20-30 messages but I think some people probably do. We don't exactly say good morning and good night each time, but often people 'check in' in the morning and so on.

I suppose the difference is it's a group thing, rather than one individual.

But it's never struck my DP as odd, and we're all women (ie. my friends are women are so is DP), so I would think your DH would have even less cause to worry about two straight women.

Autumnnightsaredrawingin · 13/01/2020 11:01

I have a best friend and we WhatsApp every day. Not good morning though! I definitely don’t wake up and think I must text x and I don’t go to bed thinking I must say goodnight! I work FT so it would only really be on my breaks sometimes and then most evenings we chat on WhatsApp and this can definitely run into many many messages, especially if we’ve got something important to discuss. I think every morning and every night is a little bit full on but only if it’s affecting your normal day to day life.

Thinkingabout1t · 13/01/2020 11:13

Don't let anyone tell you there's anything strange or wrong about having such a close friend, OP! I'd be talking to mine every day if we had more time.

MrsExpo · 13/01/2020 11:26

That's way too full on for me unless something specific such as a family crisis was going on that she needed help/advice/support with. Sending 20-30 messages daily to one person, even if you've seen them in person that day ... wow ... do you have time to do anything else? Slow down a bit ......

Ilovecat · 13/01/2020 11:27

My old friend and I used to texted and call each other nonstop.
We Even lived together and in morning went each to work and the second we left our house we called each other for hours!

JosefKeller · 13/01/2020 11:30

I'm more of a meet-up-every-few-weeks kind of person.

how does that work when you live in opposite side of the country, or different continents?

JosefKeller · 13/01/2020 11:31

Sending 20-30 messages daily to one person, even if you've seen them in person that day ... wow ... do you have time to do anything else?

from the poster wasting time on MN like the rest of us Grin

Titective · 13/01/2020 11:34

It sounds like you have a best friend! Don't worry about it. Enjoy it if you enjoy it. Send fewer if you don't.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 13/01/2020 11:34

This is reverse, isn’t it? You’ve posted about it before.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 13/01/2020 11:38

It’s very full on for a friendship for adults imo. I mean 20-30 messages a day even if you see each other? Madness, don’t you have a life to be getting in with?

Yes it’s excessive but if the pair of you have nothing better to do than message each other all day every day that’s up to you.....

Sceptimum · 13/01/2020 11:41

It sounds a little towards the full on end of the scale, but if you're both happy and it's not taking away from time with your families (as in you're not being distant because you're trying to get back to your phone and send another message) I wouldn't worry. Do you have other reasonably healthy friendships? What would you do for friends if this friendship had to be put on hold for a bit for any reason or if they movef? I would worry if it was monopolising your time to the extent that other relationships and the chance to make new friends or do things is suffering. I think it sounds pretty nice!
I have lots of ongoing chats with friends, many of whom are on the other side of the planet these days are stuck at home mainly with small kids, and sometimes would 20 or 30 messages in a few hours and then not chat to them for a few weeks. I'd see them three times a week if I could! I also would share things with these that I don't share with my partner because some conversations are just not ones I want to have with him, and I wouldn't share conversations they give me with him. I know there can be an expectation that your partner is meant to fill every need you have socially, I think that's unfair and unrealistic. I have many men isolated late in their life because they dumped every single friendship they had in favour of their partner, and if anything happens to that partner they really struggle to reconnect with people.

dworky · 13/01/2020 11:41

Your sister in law is the weird one. Women are allowed to have close friendships, even when they're married.

Aridane · 13/01/2020 11:45

Do you have the same level of closeness with DH?

JosefKeller · 13/01/2020 11:49

it's not just women, my male friends are even more chatty than my girlfriends!

BrimfulofSasha · 13/01/2020 11:54

Texting Good morning/Goodnight every day is pretty bloody full on! I don't even do that every day to my partner when he is working overseas.

NothingIsWrong · 13/01/2020 12:20

I have two chat groups with good friends, 4 in each group - I can easily send 30 messages some days, and then none on other days, what you are describing sounds perfectly normal to me...

SunshineAngel · 13/01/2020 12:35

Are you happy talking to her that much? Is she happy talking to you that much? Are you still able to spend time with your partner and children without these messages distracting you? If one of you cannot talk one day, or misses the chance to say good morning or good evening, how does the other react? Is it just forgotten about and the conversation picked up when both of you are ready?

Everyone has different ideals about how much to speak. I personally think that speaking this much every day is a very "teenagery" thing to do, but that's not to say that it's not just a sign of a strong and happy friendship - so long as you think about the things I asked above!

I have had a couple of friends in my time who I have spoken to this much, but I was always single and living with my parents, or they were unemployed or something. I cannot find the time to talk to someone this much in adult life.

NotVeryChattySchoolMum · 13/01/2020 13:12

Before I would have thought it wasn't normal. Now I have two friends - our Whatsapp can be full on even on days I see them, sometimes conversations can be that simulating and informative, we can bounce off each other! But it is not 'Lookie, I am at supermarket'. So what??? If someone did I'd ignore them!

NotVeryChattySchoolMum · 13/01/2020 13:17

I am honest though long chats can be disruptive. I've to mute one of friends occasionally and get irritated by his 'You ok?' when I don't respond, but other friend is easy - we seem to be able to read each other easily when to talk or not and it's been like that for years.

1forAll74 · 13/01/2020 13:20

I think it's a kind of text addiction for lots of people. I would not text , or phone anyone,unless it was really necessary..

I sometimes visit my local pub for a drink and a chat, but all you see,.are loads of phones on the bar or tables, and people incessantly texting all night, I always wonder why they have come out at all, obviously not to socialise with anyone in the pub.

TeaForTara · 13/01/2020 13:26

As long as you, your friend and your DH are all happy with it, then it's nobody else's business (although I do understand your SIL thinking it a bit weird.)

Topseyt · 13/01/2020 13:40

I'm not sure what the hell I would find to say to someone else in 30 texts a day! I guess I am just an antisocial, boring old fart.

If you are happy with it then fine. Others would find it too full on.

DesLynamsMoustache · 13/01/2020 13:43

Well DM and I just exchanged about 20 WhatsApp messages between us over the course of an hour or so discussing a holiday we are going on later this year. It didn't take much time, a few seconds for each reply while I did other stuff.

I think some people are thinking of texting like 'old-fashioned' texting. In my friend circles, it's quite common to have multiple WhatsApp chats going at once, or FB messenger chats, that are just ongoing chitchat, just the type of stuff you would chat about in person, just kind of rumbling on over the course of a day.

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