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Original poster

DH lost his job - again

91 replies

Iamboudicca · 12/01/2020 12:19

and I can’t bear to look at him I am so pissed off with him.

For context DH has had a very up and down working career and to be honest his attitude to working sucks. For the lat 10 years or so he has been self employed. He works contracts in a well paid sector and so has managed to maintain a reasonable income despite frequent periods of not working, but there is no long term security.

Finally, he decided to get a permanant job last autumn. It was well paid and as my job finished in December I had hoped to take a few months out to complete a project before looking for something else. Also I was taking on full responsibility for the kids pick ups, drop offs, childcare and the house to give him time to focus on the new job.

He has just been sacked, with 1 weeks notice in lieu. The reason he gave me is that the company have decided not to continue with the project he was hired for... however I can’t get over the fact that he spent most of December deciding to ‘work from home’ - not something he agreed with his manager first - due to some local public transport issues.

For clarity - we don’t live in the sticks. There are other means of getting from home to the office - just ones which are more inconvenient and a bit slower. It was still possible. I even offered to drive him to the other station, but he refused. My concerns (and those of his Dad who he listens to) that this was not going to be acceptable when he was so new in a role, were dismissed and eventually after I was accused of nagging I let him get on with it.

I also think thst he isn’t going to find it easy to get another job - he is 49 and has a whole list of jobs that have ended abruptly... I am also very concerned about his mental health - which he won’t admit is a problem.

I am now suddenly having to try and find the first full time job that comes along - which won’t pay half of what he was earning ( public sector)- putting my plans on hold and potentially putting my very young children into 12 hour a day child care 5 days a week. ( obviously he can look after them whilst at home but if he does get another job they will just have to manage ) i have been working part time since the youngest was born but I can't bear the uncertainty of relying on DH anymore.

I also don’t believe that our relationship has any long term future so I need to regain my financial independence.

Thank you if you made it this far, apologies for the general incoherance but I guess i really just need to rant. There are only a few people ai can sound off to IRL...

OP posts:
lljkk · 12/01/2020 14:46

DH has always worked for private sector, mostly as self-employed contractor. One reason he prefers SE is because Next-to-no-notice is completely normal in "permanent" employed jobs in private sector, so a whole week in lieu is good if he's only been in post 4 months.

Does sound like OP getting a secure job, him becoming designated primarily SAHD with some freelance work (at home) in evenings or when kids are at (subsidised places) nursery, would be a strategy to head towards stability. Otherwise give it time to decide if that balance works for you or you want to give up on him being in the household.

Alsohuman · 12/01/2020 14:51

If he’s successfully done ten years as a contractor he’s done bloody well. That’s an indication of a pretty good work ethic. With that history behind him he should easily find a new contract. As he’s discovered the hard way, permanent employment is non existent and offers as little security as contracting for far less reward.

FullOfJellyBeans · 12/01/2020 15:03

God people are being obtuse here. We often used to make excuses for firing someone we thought was rubbish because it was simpler. We're cutting back this team, this project isn't going forward etc. Working from home when there isn't an established ethos for it is naturally going to make you vulnerable to redundancy. OP knows her husband and he has an established pattern of poor work ethic and abruptly being let go.

I would think long term op. Of course you need to pay the bills now but if you're able to hold out a little longer for a better job I'd do so. Perhaps it will entice DH to step up in the mean time.

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/01/2020 15:11

For goodness sake, at least read the op. She clearly states he didn't agree it with the manager

He may not have had to. It could have been written in his employment contract that he can work from home and only needs to inform his manager not get authorisation.

messolini9 · 12/01/2020 15:13

It sounds like this one wasn't his fault though
It sounds like it was 100% his fault, & his own dad agrees.

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/01/2020 15:14

I think it’s a little hypocritical of the OP for slating her DHs work ethic when she is really only angry because she was expecting to not have to work at all for a few months since she also lost her job last month......

Is it good work ethic to assume you can just kick back and not work at all for several months while your partner works FT? And he’s always the one who has worked FT and has managed to earn a decent income....

Cherrysoup · 12/01/2020 15:14

I was recently asked to 'let someone go' because they refused to attend the christmas dinner with the directors, which seriously p'd them off. (other things too but that was the deciding factor) He had just under 2 years service.

If him not attending the Christmas dinner was even raised as an issue, I think that’s outrageous. Presumably that was unpaid? Why the hell should an employee attend such an event? That’s ridiculous, totally spurious reason. I hear what you’re saying that there were ‘other things’, but that’s a shit reason.

I think some people haven’t absorbed the OP. She says his attitude to working sucks. He’s taken the piss and worked from home with this not being agreed by management for the past month. I don’t know any job where that kind of shocking behaviour would just be accepted.

wotonearthisthis · 12/01/2020 15:19

I absolutely get where you're coming from having been there with my ex husband.
It's the uncertainty of it all and the excuses every time a contract ends before it was supposed to that it was someone elses fault.
I'm a self employed person, I know exactly how the environment works and I also know that not many contracts end abruptly or for no reason, for a start that would imply that most projects are poorly managed or pointless. If that were the case we would not have a self employed economy.
I think your plan is the right one, find a full time job, get yourself some security and make a plan to move on as a single person when you are ready to. Unreliability kills relationships.
Also, just wanted point out that what a previous poster said about him being seen as the primary carer if you go full time and he is out of work is not correct.
IF it went to court for access ( and that is unlikely unless your divorce were particularly difficult), the court would look at the situation as a whole, not just who works what hours.

beautifulstranger101 · 12/01/2020 15:28

I'm a bit confused why people are saying its not his fault when OP clearly said he has a history of not being good with jobs and he decided to work from home without properly arranging this with his manager. If he did take it upon himself to work from home without proper approval then that is 100% his fault.

I'm sorry but I couldn't stay with someone like this. Noone likes bloody working but when you have responsibilities you have to work and you have to be reliable and turn up on time. If this was a one off I would agree its not his fault but you have said there is a pattern here. I find this kind of thing such a turn off I think I'd want to split TBH. You must feel constantly let down by him and angry. I'm sorry OP.

Gonetoget · 12/01/2020 15:33

I’m sure the op know how short term contract works and is referring to other contracts that he’s been fired from.
And it is pathetic the whole ‘don’t tell them before Christmas’ etiquette of being fired. I was made redundant from long term job in jan 19. They obviously didn’t want to tell me before Christmas, so waited for my return in the new year. It really doesn’t help anyone, but the conscience of the people doing the firing.
You just want to be treated fairly and kept fully informed, so you can get yourself sorted financially. Honestly don’t know anyone that’s thankful for not being told before Christmas - it’s shit whatever time of year they do it.

VenusTiger · 12/01/2020 15:50

Sounds like he wants to stay at home. Does he leave the house much? I think he's depressed, my DH (years ago) didn't leave the house for months on end. He needs to see a GP, or home visit and be left to spill out everything he's feeling to someone he doesn't know (won't feel judged or "nagged"). There must be a reason for all of this.

VenusTiger · 12/01/2020 15:53

@PlanDeRaccordement erm, being a SAHP is a full time job, no pay, no clocking off time.

SheShriekedShrilly · 12/01/2020 15:53

The pattern is very worrying, OP. I think you’re right to get your ducks in a row. And I suspect it won’t change - at least, I’ve never seen someone without a decent work ethic gain one in middle age. Or they have the work ethic, but somehow their workplace is always toxic and unbearable, and after multiple jobs you have to wonder if the common factor is not a whole series of awful colleagues / managers, but is actually them.

And, assuming your DH knows that your 4yo struggles in long hours childcare, then he’s most definitely BU to do anything that makes that the only option.

cabbageking · 12/01/2020 16:02

He was sacked not made redundant.

You wouldn't expect to take someone on FT with only one project to rely on.
You don't work from home without agreement. He was basically absent.

I would worry about his understanding of responsibility or perhaps being his own boss he has forgotten he is accountable to others and can't do as he pleases?

Lets hope he learns something from the situation?

Even if you love someone doesn't mean you aren't disappointed or worried when they lose their job regardless of the reason.

Oblomov20 · 12/01/2020 16:09

Some of the reactions here make me really sad.

I've lost jobs before, sometimes my own fault, others not so much. But I want to be supported and not berated.

ChicCroissant · 12/01/2020 16:10

I think the OP has posted about her DH before and his attitude to work. If you are the poster I'm thinking of OP, you've got some decisions to make. Obviously you've got your own working life to consider as well and the childcare arrangements.

minesagin37 · 12/01/2020 16:14

You may be disappointed but I've always had the philosophy that we both have the potential to earn money. Perhaps your putting too much pressure on him being the main salary earner. Why don't you go and get a high salary job? Perhaps he's struggling with that responsibility. He can earn twice what you can so why? Go and get a better job then. I think if you do you may realise those salaries come at a price!

beautifulstranger101 · 12/01/2020 16:16

I've lost jobs before, sometimes my own fault, others not so much. But I want to be supported and not berated

Do you have a history and a pattern of fcking up jobs due to poor attitude? Did you suddenly decide to work from home without consulting your manager?

If not, then its not the same thing at all

Hoppinggreen · 12/01/2020 16:18

My DH has been a Contractor for 4 years and has never been let go or struggled to find a new contract. Obviously I don’t know exactly what field OPs H is in but being a Contractor can have longevity if you are skilled and turn up when you are supposed to
My DH is also a similar age and has no issue finding a new contract if he wants so age doesn’t have to be a problem when Contracting either
Sounds like a poor work ethic is the issue here, OP knows her DH best so if she says it’s down to that then I’m sure it is

lovemenorca · 12/01/2020 16:31

A supposedly poor track history of working
He gets a new job

You Jack in your job

Surely, surely, you would have given it some time before jacking in yours based on his history?!

TheYearOfTheDog · 12/01/2020 16:43

I think you can feel sorry for him but still split up.

Fitting in to that mold of being dynamic and employable is really hard, especially at 49. When you've been through redundancies and job losses a few times it is demoralising. But perhaps, part of what makes it worse for him is maintaining a pretence, partly for you.

I think you would not be cruel at all to say that you cannot take on this stress for him and that he can simplify his life and reflect on what's happened and what is next for him better on his own. And that's not bullshit, it's true. I"ve been sacked a few times. I'm 49 now. I was feeling like employers were capitalising on my need for a job. I felt judged by the same society that was choosing not to employ me. I have a job now, it's secure thankfully, not well-paid. But the security is more valuable to me than the 10k more I could be earning if I were working for a more dynamic company.

TheYearOfTheDog · 12/01/2020 16:45

@Oblomov20 indeed, and even if in the end I did learn a lesson, wow, it is nice to be able to be on the receiving end of kindness while you lick your wounds.

Original poster
Iamboudicca · 12/01/2020 16:46

I was in a maternity cover which ended in December. I would have been lining something else up but I was/ am still hoping that my employer has another vacancy. Its a niche role which I was hoping to move into permanently at some point. My employer has said they would definitely want me back once a job becomes available but now I will have to look elsewhere.

Yes wouldn’t it be nice if public sector professionals could earn IT consultant salaries...

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 12/01/2020 16:49

They wanted rid of him. Taking someone into a well-paid public sector role on a permanent contract and then getting rid of them with one week in lieu within a couple of months of employing them is a big red flag. They have sacked him effectively because they wanted rid of him.
I am not surprised you are cross with him. I'd be furious.

Babybel90 · 12/01/2020 16:50

OP this could be my dad, he thinks that as long as he does the work that is required then that is enough (and maybe if you’re some sort of genius it is, but he’s not), he doesn’t get that you have to get on with your colleagues so he’ll outright refuse to look at people’s baby photos or tell them their favourite soap opera is a load of crap and then wonder why he gets made redundant/contract not renewed etc. It’s so frustrating and every time it happens he just buries his head in the sand.