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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH lost his job - again

91 replies

Iamboudicca · 12/01/2020 12:19

and I can’t bear to look at him I am so pissed off with him.

For context DH has had a very up and down working career and to be honest his attitude to working sucks. For the lat 10 years or so he has been self employed. He works contracts in a well paid sector and so has managed to maintain a reasonable income despite frequent periods of not working, but there is no long term security.

Finally, he decided to get a permanant job last autumn. It was well paid and as my job finished in December I had hoped to take a few months out to complete a project before looking for something else. Also I was taking on full responsibility for the kids pick ups, drop offs, childcare and the house to give him time to focus on the new job.

He has just been sacked, with 1 weeks notice in lieu. The reason he gave me is that the company have decided not to continue with the project he was hired for... however I can’t get over the fact that he spent most of December deciding to ‘work from home’ - not something he agreed with his manager first - due to some local public transport issues.

For clarity - we don’t live in the sticks. There are other means of getting from home to the office - just ones which are more inconvenient and a bit slower. It was still possible. I even offered to drive him to the other station, but he refused. My concerns (and those of his Dad who he listens to) that this was not going to be acceptable when he was so new in a role, were dismissed and eventually after I was accused of nagging I let him get on with it.

I also think thst he isn’t going to find it easy to get another job - he is 49 and has a whole list of jobs that have ended abruptly... I am also very concerned about his mental health - which he won’t admit is a problem.

I am now suddenly having to try and find the first full time job that comes along - which won’t pay half of what he was earning ( public sector)- putting my plans on hold and potentially putting my very young children into 12 hour a day child care 5 days a week. ( obviously he can look after them whilst at home but if he does get another job they will just have to manage ) i have been working part time since the youngest was born but I can't bear the uncertainty of relying on DH anymore.

I also don’t believe that our relationship has any long term future so I need to regain my financial independence.

Thank you if you made it this far, apologies for the general incoherance but I guess i really just need to rant. There are only a few people ai can sound off to IRL...

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 12/01/2020 13:45

OP I think you've got a bit of an AIBU problem here, you might have been better posting in Relationships - some posters being deliberately obtuse Hmm

joystir59 · 12/01/2020 13:46

I applaud you taking financial control of your life/your children's lives and striving for security and independence. Way to go OP.

TheTruthAboutLove · 12/01/2020 13:47

I don’t think anyone is getting the point that he’s left (or been fired) from tonnes of jobs in the past ten years, and this one was the final straw.

I don’t know about anyone else, but if I told my employer I’m working from home for a month because the public transport options weren’t to my liking - they’d tell me to get in that office pretty sharpish. So to me it sounds like he’s either been fired for this working from home lark and failed probation or he’s been let go at the end of November and has been hiding it. Regardless, it’s not about wether he was fired or not, it’s about his reliability over the years.

He obviously can’t stick out a job and some help is needed to understand why that is. I don’t think you’re going to get any answers soonish if he’s refusing any help with his mental health.

CrazyToast · 12/01/2020 13:51

You aren't mad at him cos he lost his job---you're mad because he has lost his job again in part of a pattern in which his behaviour plays a part. People seem to be ignoring this. I'd be mad too. Not sure what you can do about it if he won't admit it though.

StarUtopia · 12/01/2020 13:54

I was recently asked to 'let someone go' because they refused to attend the christmas dinner with the directors, which seriously p'd them off. (other things too but that was the deciding factor) He had just under 2 years service.

You see, that really just takes the piss. We decided we would go to the Christmas dinner, as it makes a good impression etc etc. Cost us £170 to attend (needed black tie attire and babysitter). DH's employer knew then he wasn't going to keep my husband on, but was still happy for us to fork out before firing him straight after christmas.

I actually think it's a joke that you need no reason really at all to fire someone in the first few years. Utter joke.

It's people's lives you're playing with (not saying you directly, the people making the decision, who no doubt are all on lovely big fat incomes with no money worries!)

VirtualHamster · 12/01/2020 13:55

I don’t think anyone is getting the point that he’s left (or been fired) from tonnes of jobs in the past ten years, and this one was the final straw.

I don't think some people are getting the point that having jobs for relatively short periods of time is fairly normal if you are a self employed contractor.

I've been working in IT on that basis for the past 6 years and have worked in 6 different companies in that time, I've also had 6 months not working at all.

It's not clear to me whether the OP has just been unhappy at the insecurity of her husband being a contractor or whether it's more than that. She says he's maintained a reasonable income in this time, which would seem unlikely if he was a workshy layabout who was constantly burning bridges...

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/01/2020 13:55

Yes, getting a FT job soon would be wise. But I’d not take the first low paid job that came along in your shoes. I just think you should earn what you are worth.

In rereading your OP lamboudicca, it seems you both are doing self employed contract work?
“...as my job finished in December I had hoped to take a few months out to complete a project before looking for something else.”

Maybe it’s just bad luck that he loses his job right when yours ended.

recycledbottle · 12/01/2020 13:56

You don't really know what happened so will have to take your DH word for it in which case it is hardly his fault so you can only be supportive Imv. If you find out different well then that changes things. It must be very stressful though.

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/01/2020 13:58

VH
I don't think some people are getting the point that having jobs for relatively short periods of time is fairly normal if you are a self employed contractor.

THIS
The unreliability is not a personal failing of her DH, but driven by his line of work. Similar to being married to an A&E doctor and then complaining they are totally unreliable at picking kids up, even making it to birthdays. Frustrating, but not a personal failing.

HunnyMummy1993 · 12/01/2020 13:58

You aren't mad at him cos he lost his job---you're mad because he has lost his job again in part of a pattern in which his behaviour plays a part

Yup. I had one of these.. it,wasn’t any one incident, or any 2 or 3. all of them were, individually perfectly reasonable, entirely explicable.

It’s that 10 —15 yr pattern of a shit work ethic. Of not giving enough of a fuck about YOU in this situation. Mine would cry and apologise each time. Then do the exact. Same. Thing.

emmathedilemma · 12/01/2020 13:59

It's really hard to make people redundant if they're on a permanent contract and anything disciplinary such as not being in the office would generally be dealt with through warnings first. the project not progressing seems legitimate as you make a role redundant not a person, and shouldn't look bad on his CV for future employers if he states the reason why.

cosytoaster · 12/01/2020 14:00

He sounds hard work OP, my ex was skilled but difficult and walks out of/gets sacked from most jobs. It's not fair but get yourself back to work and start making exit plans.

Yarboosucks · 12/01/2020 14:01

If your DH was a contractor, it is the nature of the game that contracts come to an end. I don't know why that would be a source of aggravation to you. He is now a permie and has been made redundant - it is possible that he recognized that and was dodging the bullet by working from home.

TBH You sound more like you are looking for reasons to justify your resentment, You don't actually need to do that. If you are not happy, you do not have to stay.

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2020 14:02

I don't think you need to be supportive at all. Ffs what is it with some people and the perception of women's roles and supporting men. He didn't go into his work in bloody December and wasn't authorised to work from home. He's been fired when he went back. It's not hard r9 connect the dots.

How many people can just go work from home for a month without authorisation and still keep their jobs? Not many.

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/01/2020 14:04

How many people can just go work from home for a month without authorisation and still keep their jobs? Not many.

You are assuming he did not have authorisation. Lots of people have the flexibility to work from home at their own discretion.

category12 · 12/01/2020 14:06

It's not an assumption - OP wrote: however I can’t get over the fact that he spent most of December deciding to ‘work from home’ - not something he agreed with his manager first.

He decided without his manager's agreement. Clear as day.

funnylittlefloozie · 12/01/2020 14:09

My exH has been contracting since 2003. He has earned a FORTUNE in that time, he earns nearly 4x my fulltime, permanent salary. However, with the high earnings came insanely high spending, and a refusal to cut back on anything to save some money as a cushion. He also has a poor work ethic and has been "let go" from numerous contracts due to attendance, drinking and behaviour towards co-workers. I found it incredibly unsettling. My current DP works hard in a moderately well paid job, and i feel much more secure with him.

I dont blame you for finding this whole situation stressful and unfulfilling. I loathed it when i was in it.

daisypond · 12/01/2020 14:15

It's really hard to make people redundant if they're on a permanent contract
No, that’s not true. You can be let go for any reason up to two years - unless for discriminatory reasons. Anyway, the DP is a contractor. It’s normal for jobs to stop and start.

theunknownknown · 12/01/2020 14:21

Given the comments you made about him working from home in December, I'd say he was let go before Christmas
How can he work from home if he was let go before xmas? Surely the op would have noticed if he wasn't working when he was supposed to be?

AtomicRabbit · 12/01/2020 14:27

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

GnomeDePlume · 12/01/2020 14:32

theunknownknown easy enough to fake work - shutting himself away, mucking about on the internet.

Intensicle · 12/01/2020 14:33

I’d get some legal advice as to what the best plan is for you regarding work. If you work full time while he keeps up part time contracts and ‘working from home’ and he deals with childcare pick ups then you could end up with a situation where he is regarded as the main carer/the one with flexible working when it comes to a divorce. It would be shitty if you were forced back to full time work when you don’t want to leave your DC because of his unreliability only to end up with worse than 50/50 with your DC and having to pay him maintenance because you’re the regular earner.

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2020 14:34

You are assuming he did not have authorisation

For goodness sake, at least read the op. She clearly states he didn't agree it with the manager,

PattiPrice · 12/01/2020 14:39

For me the insecurity of not being able to rely on him would be the biggest issue. And I would absolutely not want to put my children into twelve hour childcare days unless there was absolutely no other choice. And in this instance, there was a choice but your DH didn't think about the impact on his family.

I think if you believe there is no long term future (as I expect this lack of reliability is not confined to his professional life). the only thing left is to do as you propose and do it on your own.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 12/01/2020 14:41

My DP was made redundant just before Christmas - he had been in post 18 months, so no pay-off - due to a restructure. It is absolutely horrible. We can manage on my salary, just, with some serious belt tightening, but I really do empathise. Being kind to one another is key here, but it is not easy with such awful stress and worry.