My children are wrecking my mental and physical health.

[Boredbumhead]

I'm a single mum with no help or support where I live. Their dad lives 2 hrs away. We split because of his controlling nature and mental and financial abuse.

However my two boys are 8 and 4 and they are grinding me into the floor. They won't sleep before 9 and bedtime involves endless stress and fuss. Tonight for instance the youngest refused to wee before bed. They often fight with each other. I work full time but never get to go out to an excercise class or socialize. Unless I'm constantly on it with on tap activity and entertainment, they just want to watch shitty YouTube clips of loud Minecraft gamers (the oldest) or Peppa pig (the youngest) and wake me with that shit blaring at 7am. They won't just sit and play with toys. They don't respect my authority and constantly test my boundaries. They refuse to get ready for school on time in the week. I have to dress them both like babies. Their dad is little help. I feel like going to get ill at this rate. They moan and tantrum if they don't want to do something or as soon as I turn off the tech. I love them to bits of course. But I'm tolerating them and not enjoying them just now.

sounds as if you are already getting a handle on things after such a great day. It's not easy even when there are two of you, we struggled so much with our eldest to the point of all sorts of grief and violence, bad behaviour {and bad parenting too sadly} I felt guilty for years but to give you hope he grew into an amazing adult, 27 now, kind and caring, he says now to us us that he is so grateful that we stuck with it and kept to our rules even when the going was tough as he reckons without us doing that he would have seriously gone off the rails. the more he sees of life and how others were brought up he thanks us for teaching him manners, sticking to our guns on acceptable behaviour and supporting him through his worst years even though it nearly broke us. so hang on in there OP you will eventually come out of the other end with a great relationship with your kids if you stick with it and remember that it's the days like today they will remember more than the shit days.

P.s. mugged off at the carwash! Love that. That's the funniest thing I heard in ages!!!

Good going OP. Beware, if it all goes to pot from time to time remind yourself AND the children that tomorrow is another day..

Sounds like a great day. I'm struggling with my two too and currently trying new rules and routines as things had to change. It's hard but this thread is encouraging, knowing I'm not alone.

Excellent update. You sound so much more positive.

I think Mumsnet is great for making us realise most of us struggle at times. And that we should support one another.

Great update.

Yes a great pool of advice here. I still expect blips, but honestly today was the first day in ages I woke up feeling genuinely positive.

Yey! Well done

I get what you mean too, the hopelessness was a tough factor, so it's a win in itself, to regain the positivity (even if all aroundme was still chaos/stress), I grabbed that hope and ran with it :)

When my two are being a pain i cut off all all screens. They quickly get very used to it. No tv tablets phones for anyone. We have more reading, board games, drawing and crafts. And they are significantly calmer.

I only have one but went through all the same things. I found getting organised the night before, having absolute rules for school days and not taking any shit worked best.
School uniform including pants & socks are on kitchen table before bed. School bag packed. Router turned off.
My alarm goes off before his. I shower & dress, then make his breakfast before I wake him up. He eats immediately in pjs, then wash & into uniform. Picks up his bag and out the door. No deviation.

In the evening he gets 30 mins homework time in kitchen while I prepare supper & keep an eye on him. He can play on MineCraft WITH HEADPHONES, after that until bed.

I’m just coming out of it now - ds is 11.

I also found running one lunchtime a week good for my mood, and the fresh air meant I sleep better. Or can you book a babysitter for a regular two hours a week so you can have a bath in peace or go for a drink with a friend? You need to wrestle back some time for you somehow. I really sympathise. It is relentless.

OP i feel your pain. it is very very hard.

I began setting timers on my phone quite a bit- it dissipated tension, because when the timer went off is was less confrontational than me shouting at DD to do something. Also lets you concentrate on other things rather than watching the clock.

Everyone says reward charts, but if your head is too frazzled for a complicated one, maybe just a really simple one where they do get their star for the day, or they don't.

@RoseWines

‘Re: car wash
One of mine wanted that randomly! But wouldnt let the idea drop!
They asked their aunty, who simply drive through the car wash, paused and put on her screenwash and wipers....and the kids thought it was the best time ever. They're little tho, so didn't realise they'd been completely mugged off haha’

Why not a real car wash? Was she afraid of scratches or expense. I would have taken my niece through the proper car wash (but my car is old so I don’t worry about scratches).

I’m a single Mjm and my youngest is a boy (6).

I recognise some of what you say. I think you do have to be quite tough, stick to rules etc, or they get really confused. But be loving too of course - mine is very cuddly! He does test you with not getting ready for school , bed etc, not wanting to sleep, you name it. And I do end up shouting but I know it’s the opposite of helpful!

Limiting screen time I agree is good. Screen time sends him a bit do-lally even though he loves it, and I think it’s mean to say none at all, I.e. regardless of behaviour.

I find leaving one particular toy out for them to find helps, or if you can get something new from the charity shop from time to time, mine will play imaginative games to him self. And I find I have to sort out the toys a lot to get rid of old stuff so things don’t all get lost. I do play with him - especially Lego and similar - but it’s unhealthy for them to be entertained all the time.

I’ve also found starting kung fu as a hobby really helpful - or any martial art - because as well as confidence they teach self discipline. I was talking recently to a (male) colleague - younger than me- who had a single parent growing up and he said similar about doing boxing himself (although I don’t like the idea of boxing!)

BTDT, as a single Dad with custody. I know, that sounds impossible, but I did it for 6 years before marrying a real woman.

It doesn't get any easier unfortunately. This is probably not what you want to hear, but you probably have to lower you expectations for your own happiness a few notches and figure out a survival-mode lifestyle for the next 6-7 years.

So glad to hear you're more positive

OP
Recently became a single parent to a pair of boys , older by a few years each
It’s so so hard
I also screamed till I was hoarse then hated myself . I am actually on a duvet day as it slated me
Screen time is THE killer
And I don’t know what to do about it

So loads of sympathy and reading for advice

@Highonpotandused
Why not a real car wash? Was she afraid of scratches or expense.
No real reason - guessing her was clean and in no need of a wash, as she uses her power washer on it, as needed. She's comfortably well-off income, so not a money issue. I guess she didnt think to pay for a proper roller wash to appease a 4year old lol. We're but stingy like that sometimes ;) (their other aunt would pay to go thru, half a dozen times, if that's what the kids hearts desired, ha!)

@LostParentAZ
you probably have to lower you expectations
YES i think this is good advice too.
I too am trying to make peace with the fact that my single parent household wont be the same as it was before with 2 adults to share the load. Its impossible or i could achieve it, at the expense of my health and wellbeing. (But it's equally not worth having my ex back, to have some of the advantages a two parent household can bring.)
Reasonably adjusting expectations is vitally important