My children are wrecking my mental and physical health.

[Boredbumhead]

I'm a single mum with no help or support where I live. Their dad lives 2 hrs away. We split because of his controlling nature and mental and financial abuse.

However my two boys are 8 and 4 and they are grinding me into the floor. They won't sleep before 9 and bedtime involves endless stress and fuss. Tonight for instance the youngest refused to wee before bed. They often fight with each other. I work full time but never get to go out to an excercise class or socialize. Unless I'm constantly on it with on tap activity and entertainment, they just want to watch shitty YouTube clips of loud Minecraft gamers (the oldest) or Peppa pig (the youngest) and wake me with that shit blaring at 7am. They won't just sit and play with toys. They don't respect my authority and constantly test my boundaries. They refuse to get ready for school on time in the week. I have to dress them both like babies. Their dad is little help. I feel like going to get ill at this rate. They moan and tantrum if they don't want to do something or as soon as I turn off the tech. I love them to bits of course. But I'm tolerating them and not enjoying them just now.

There's some great advice here.

I know I know I know screen time is tempting. But what you get in peace and quiet to get on with things you need or want to do, you pay for later (or next day). Always. Sometimes it's worth it but there will be times when it's not.

When kids aren't surrounded by screens they are forced to find something else to do. The trouble is finding something that's affordable because I understand that everything costs money. But there are second hand online toys, free stuff local sites etc etc. You don't mention toys but I recommend things they can do by themselves (Lego, drawing, jigsaws) and things they need you to do with them (board games, outdoor games). As you teach them how to play and the rules of play they will surprise you by going off to play between themselves. Kids love it when adults sit down and join in their floor games or puzzles. It's an old one but reading before bed is not just educational, it's bonding. (you might do all this already but for any readers in the same boat who don't). I know again some of this might seem like the last thing in the world you want to do, tired and frazzled after a hard day but it's an investment, in the time you'll get back when they have learned how to play sensibly between themselves, but also in their communication skills, sense of give-and-take, maturity and strengthening the bond with you and with each other. Look for ways to make them laugh. Be silly when you can. Don't go to sleep on a row. Buy a joke book for the 6 year old. If you do have screen time, set a timer (30 mins) and remove the devices in a cheerful and no nonsense kind of way as soon as the timer goes off.
I hear you though... I've been there.

@nanbread, to add insult to injury my boss recently called me into the office and said they wanted more from me. I already bust a gut, but they pile the work on, so I'm very wary of taking time off. In fact I worked from home last week for 1 day and the secretary made a massive deal of it to my boss, so it's relentless pressure from all sides. I'm about to break, I think. But fab advice from everyone on here which is making me feel much better, so thank you all

PS when you say wake you up with screens blaring at 7am - you need to hide the screens at night time so they aren't there to pick up in the morning. Don't let them have access to the screens by themselves. Put a pass code on the screens so you control their use if you leave them out somewhere.

Raising boys by Steve Biddulph

Wouldn't recommend this at all. It's guilt-inducing psychbabble with no basis in fact. Guaranteed to make you feel even shitter, despite the fact that you are clearly trying your best.

Not much help, but there’s two of us and we both feel wrecked. Young children are amazing but exhausting.

Not getting dressed for school - call their bluff and take them to school in their pyjamas. A friend of mine did this and it worked wonders.

Raising boys by Steve Biddulph
Wouldn't recommend this at all. It's guilt-inducing psychbabble with no basis in fact. Guaranteed to make you feel even shitter, despite the fact that you are clearly trying your best.

I agree. It was the biggest load of guff. All mansplaining to make mums feel enormous guilt. I threw mine out so it would never be inflicted on anyone else (my MIL gave it to me), but I really felt it should have been burnt.

I think your first port of call is pulling the wifi. Putting the Tv remote out of sight and making them live without it all for a while and then when things are on a more even keel reintroducing it for say an hour a day at a suitable time.

OP my relationship is fine with them now. They are mature enough now to recognise that their behaviour was testing and they laugh about some of scraps they used to get in to. Even when they were getting on well they were still rolling about the floor dummy fighting and I just found it so annoying and unacceptable.

I wish I could have been more chilled but at the time I just didn’t have it in me. They knew they were loved and I’m sure your boys do too. I wasn’t a single parent although my dh worked long hours and the period between school finishing and bedtime was tough at times as I was always on my own then.

Don’t be too hard on yourself you are doing your best and you are definitely not alone.

I have 3 very close in age and a dh that travelled all the time without warning. It is as you say - a grind, pretty joyless and mostly you run on empty. I am out the other side now but I truly can emphasize with a lot that you have going on.

A few things that helped me -

I put the clocks forward in the house (secretly) so they went to bed earlier - BLISS.

The oldest got 30 minutes extra with me at night IF she read to a younger child and did not fight. I back timed all of that to the ideal bedtime. I clawed a little alone time and more importantly - a little quiet time.

No tech after late afternoon. It does strange things to kids. They get het up somehow.

I got them to make a movie list and a TV show list. They loved that and we worked our way through it two or three times a week.

Together we worked out an amount of time for tech (20 mins and 10 mins per day for the younger ones) and made sure ask every day when they wanted to use it.

Separate - one eats breakfast when the other cleans teeth and so on. They fight less.

Most of all remind yourself that you are not messing them up, you are simply trying to do the job of a lot of people by yourself. Don't expect too much of yourself or of them. It will change and you will breath a little easier.

Good luck OP.

*empathize

You've had a hard time and some of their behaviour can be due to their early experiences but it isn't too late.

Definitely read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and the Explosive Child. They will change your life. Ring HV about parenting courses, some have childcare.

But, you are going to have to put some major work in to get routines, order and a calm rhythm to your home. Wifi off for kids until things improve. Go cold turkey. Don't make it a negotiable, they are young enough for it to make a huge difference.

Lets say you got home at 5:30, have the next 2 hours planned. For example set up activity for boys to do together (crafts are great) at table while you cook, have dinner together, boys clear table while you tidy, baths, older one can play in his room while you read with younger one - stories are after teeth and a wee. Story, lights out. Then go to elder one. Will make it easier to do one at once.

At weekends get some meals made for making weeknights easier. Make 2-3 cottage pies, etc. Freeze the one you aren't using. Get a chore chart up and have a few chores the boys do each day at the weekend. Start having quiet afternoons where they are allowed one movie together while you have free time to do exercise video, read, have a friend over for a coffee. Make sure you get them out weekends to an activity that is physical and have a nice walk/park trip together. Will make a world of difference.

You can do this. Prioritize a healthy family routine, organization and some home and child management and it will get easier. You got this!

OP

I agree with turning off WIFI overnight. When my children were that age I used to tell them their time to be in their bedroom was 7.30pm. They didn't have to go to sleep, but they had to be quiet and stay in there. That was one of the fights I picked as important, and I was strict about it. I didn't mind if they played in there, but I encouraged them to read instead. As for the dressing themselves for school, tell them there's a new routine happening in the morning. They will get up and get themselves dressed, while you are getting their breakfast ready. If they are not dressed when it's time for you to go, too bad, you're all going anyway. Remind them that they will look pretty silly in front of their friends and teachers. I somehow don't think they'll be the first primary school children to turn up at school not dressed, and I'll bet it won't happen more than once.
The really important thing is to be consistent. Don't change the rules halfway through. So if you say "I want you to get dressed now or you'll have to go to school like that", don't keep nagging and then dress them anyway.
When my eldest two were 11 and 13, I realised that I was spending too much time trying to wake them in the mornings, and nagging them to get up for school, only for them to fall back to sleep. So one Friday I gave them both alarm clocks, and told them that from Monday I was expecting them to get themselves up and ready for school, that I wouldn't be waking or nagging them, and if they were late, I would not be writing a note, giving them a lift, or ringing the school. It worked, and I wondered why I hadn't done it before!

Thank you all. I have taken some of the excellent advise on here and totally limited screen time today. It's been a decent day so far. We haven't done anything exceptional but have been to the park, been to Lidl to get food shopping and b and m bargains where we picked up a big tub of popcorn for a promised movie night tonight. The deal has been that if they stay off screens today at 5pm we will put on the queen's corgis (Netflix) which we will all enjoy and eat veggie hot dogs, crisps and dips and popcorn. There has been a lot of groaning and moaning from the eldest saying he's depressed but I explained to him that going cold turkey is like when people come off drugs and he will feel like that for a while for a day without tech. Just now I also finally acquiesced to his longstanding request to go through a car wash and eldest then said 'its one of the best days I've ever had apart from when I'm with friends.' so I've had to be completely child focused today, which obviously can't happen every day but I think it's reset their brains a bit.

What kind of person can read the opening post here and click YABU?

Op, I have 4 between 3 and 13. The only thing that has saved my sanity is the trampoline. Seriously. My two boys especially love it , whenever they are feeling stressed or upset or just need to let off steam they go out and have a good bounce. Get some fresh air. When they come in they are calm again. In the summer its like a little den. They sit and chat on it. Its been a life saver! We got a 12 foot one with net, so fairly large. Other then that nothing to add to the advice you have been given. Its a hard road but you I think you'll crack it!

We could be twins! Even down to the shops 🙈

I kept working on a destined-to-fail marriage for a decade in my 20s and I'm convinced thats why i struggle now..ie. ive so little resilience left as it was all worn down dealing with my ex. I just dont have the reserves now to deal with issues and I wasnt enjoying parenting.
Things that have helped me:
I bought a plug timer from screwfix for £2, and its a saviour!! Set it so it Switches the wifi off at 8pm, so we're all off our devices and do a proper bedtime routine now.
I'm half way through the incredible years course, found it on local authority website in the parenting course list.
The videos are on YouTube too. But my group is tiny and feels like a tiny group therapy session, thats been really lovely and supportive.
Children's centres were good place too for advice/help.
I've improved my diet and I'm taking daily supplements and multivitamins, got some good priced supplements in the H&Barrett penny sale.
I've gone from existing to surviving. But can see how we'll be thriving again in this new year.

Its hard solo, but good luck to us

@septembersunshine lol yes, to trampoline, we've got a small one in their room, from amazon, that has a dance mat feature. Its brilliant! On 'duvet days'/lazy rainy days one if mine is always letting off steam, loves to bounce and tires them out, gets physical activity and heart rate up

Re: car wash
One of mine wanted that randomly! But wouldnt let the idea drop!
They asked their aunty, who simply drive through the car wash, paused and put on her screenwash and wipers....and the kids thought it was the best time ever. They're little tho, so didn't realise they'd been completely mugged off haha

It sounds like they could be reacting to the split by regressing to being babied . Not easy

Your eldest is 8. I'm not sure comparing it to drugs is quite age-appropriate! Maybe suggesting alternative activities, like the carwash(!) , a game, cooking or the park would be more positve. Glad you had a better day.

I am using the weekly spelling lists from the school as passwords for tablets. Currently working on upgrading the process by automating it and adding random password change initiation time.

This works for us too iambloodystarving "Separate - one eats breakfast when the other cleans teeth and so on. They fight less."

I don't even try and get them to eat an evening meal together anymore. I simply can't take it after a day at work. I stay with them to talk and tidy the kitchen diner but they eat one after another.

@megletthesecond
Same here, can't manage family meal times. Breakfast is separate, dinner is separate. Ex's lawyers are constantly making a massive deal out of it in the court, as apparently there is a wealth of research proving that I am neglectful and am ruining their future. I also have a vexatious litigant ex, who can afford '000s in legal fees, but not the child maintenance.

@LIZS I've educated him an age appropriate way about drugs, so I don't think it's inappropriate to talk about how things in life can be addictive. Waiting until their a teenager is too late IMO.

@RoseWines ♥️♥️
Glad to find a fellow b n m bargain lover.
I think that's fantastic advice thank you.
I also put everything into making a relationship work for a decade. Unfortunately I got little back, and so my resilliance is very low too. Coincidentally I bought some women's vitamins last week you've reminded me to start taking them. I like the idea of moving from surviving to thriving. Good luck to us both