My children are wrecking my mental and physical health.

[Boredbumhead]

I'm a single mum with no help or support where I live. Their dad lives 2 hrs away. We split because of his controlling nature and mental and financial abuse.

However my two boys are 8 and 4 and they are grinding me into the floor. They won't sleep before 9 and bedtime involves endless stress and fuss. Tonight for instance the youngest refused to wee before bed. They often fight with each other. I work full time but never get to go out to an excercise class or socialize. Unless I'm constantly on it with on tap activity and entertainment, they just want to watch shitty YouTube clips of loud Minecraft gamers (the oldest) or Peppa pig (the youngest) and wake me with that shit blaring at 7am. They won't just sit and play with toys. They don't respect my authority and constantly test my boundaries. They refuse to get ready for school on time in the week. I have to dress them both like babies. Their dad is little help. I feel like going to get ill at this rate. They moan and tantrum if they don't want to do something or as soon as I turn off the tech. I love them to bits of course. But I'm tolerating them and not enjoying them just now.

One other thing is just getting them to do heaps of exercise early in the day, like just at the playground, seems to calm them down a bit

bless you. Same here.
My eldest is pretty sensible but my youngest is violent and destructive. I'm decade in and so numb to it all now.

No answers I'm afraid. I think you can only do what you can do.

Single parenting is utterly shit at times. And I only have one and he goes to his Dad's for some of each week. I frequently lose my rag when I am just desperate for some time to myself, I need alone time so badly and feel at times like I am going slowly mad without it.
Add in some of his interests seeming annoying (why do children love to watch other people play games on youtube? WHY?) and his constantly testing boundaries and it is a recipe for me being fairly tense at times. And of course I love him so much but sometimes I just want a break from him.

I have found that having strong boundaries around technology use helps, otherwise kids will just take the piss and have more and more. There are set days of the week and on those days a set amount of time and then it goes off, no ifs, no buts. If he is particularly horrible, really rude, ignores me when I ask him to stop playing or whatever, then he gets a short term complete ban. I've found this helps with his behaviour. But, sometimes it's just hard, Single parenting is hard.
Sending you

Lots and lots of sympathy - mine are 7 and 5 and I have just had them on my own for a week (husband away) and that was bad enough! I agree with other comments that limiting screen time may help if you can bear it (but would suggest you maybe see if you can do something - seeing friends with a babysitter in for the night - to help you just have a moment out for yourself first). Mine have only recently started playing together properly; now they can entertain themselves for quite a while if they don't remember that I'm around to be pestered. The eldest has no screen time on weekday mornings as he has other stuff he needs to do and we will stop the youngest when he gets to Y3 as well. They have half an hour in the evenings. Much more relaxed at weekends.

It is very hard!

Read the book if you can - it feels fake at first but can help.

Key things: Remember the end goal - to have respectful, pleasant, thoughtful and independent young men.
Don't sweat the small stuff - I wouldn't have a fight about having a wee - maybe turn the heating down so he experiences unpleasantness about getting up for a wee?
Try to give them praise - seek out opportunities (for even tiny stuff) - a paediatric nurse I know suggests challenging yourself to praise them 10 times everyday.
Limiting screens can help.
They are old enough to get themselves dressed. If they don't get ready in time be prepared to set off with them half dressed. Don't nag, but do give them measured warnings. 1/2 hour to leave, 15 minutes, 5 minutes, 3 minutes, 1 minute, Leave!
Get some time to yourself - get a babysitter, book them into a club... And use that to have a coffee, read, do your nails - something for yourself.
Give them chores.
Get sleep.
Try to minimise your chores. And if you have money buy in help.

@curioushorse I'm not amazing. I'm clinging on to sanity with my fingertips. I never imagined being a single mum, and I'm a grumpy arse who I'm sure is messing them up for life.

I had 3 under 4, one with SN and though had a DH he worked very long shifts when they were babies so not as hard but feel your pain.
I did the incredible years as I couldnt cope. The main bits of advice it gave me was:

1. Clear simple instructions with pre-warnings (bed in 10 minutes).
2. Give choices. But ones thay you want ie: brush teeth or go to toilet first.

3.Praise the good. Ignore the bad! Best advice ever.

for you OP!
I like Janet Lansbury articles and podcasts about positive parenting. She talks about establishing strong boundaries with respect. Might that help? She has her own website and is also on social media (FB, Instagram)
I really hope you find a solution which works For you and things start to improve sooner than later.

Boredbumhead that sounds so tough.

The best thing you can do (IMHO) is to build connection with them, through talking together, eating together and praising them, so they want to work with you.

Also: when screens take over do a cold turkey no screens for 2 weeks. Let them know its coming, get them to write a list of other things to do. Then do it. Aftrr 2 weeks have strict times on screen. None in the morning. About 4 hours a week. Have screen free days. Best thing we ever did. Much better behaviour. Played with their ignored toys. Much calmer at bedtime.still do it and they are teenagers now!

Praise the good, I mean, find things to praise.

Think the screen cold turkey is a great idea.

Just on your comments alone I would say a few things...

Buy this book

The parenting puzzle book - shop.familylinks.org.uk/shop/the-parenting-puzzle-book

I am dyslexic and rarely read but this is good.

And the 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' book too.

Rewards are better than punishment so...

"They won't sleep before 9 and bedtime involves endless stress and fuss." I'd suggest an earlier time for both to go to their rooms and just read or whatever until they can sleep. Reward this good night time behavior with internet use.

Buy the kids earphones and explain that if they do not use them to watch internet programmes/games etc, you will switch off Wifi.

"Tonight for instance the youngest refused to wee before bed." OK, go for a wee and you get a sticker for your reward chart (these do work well for young kids if you have frequent simply rewards), even at 9 they can still work!

I disagree. You may not have planned to be a single mum, but you’ve escaped what you recognised as being a difficult relationship- which makes you brave. You’re also asking for parenting advice from a group of strangers, which shows that you care. It shows that you’re aspirational, reflective, and genuinely want to do better. Yeah, I’d say that alone qualifies you for being amazing.

Curioushorse totally agree with you, the OP has done a good thing by escaping a damaging relationship and is looking for help. That qualifies as an amazing parent in my book.

Curioushorse is bang on. If you were a rubbish parent you wouldnt give a shit about shouting at them. We all make mistakes as parents. It what we do about making a mistake that matters and you are doing that.

Hi OP, I have one kid and a supportive partner and I got very ill partly through trying to keep up with my son's demands and pushing boundaries. My hat off to you.

That course mentioned above, or any other structured parenting approach, may well help. This is what we've introduced at home, with help from my psych nurse. It has only been a few changes, but they've helped a lot. My son kicked off for a few days but go on board very quickly. He's 5 and I think was craving the structure. Examples are:
/ Instant time out in bedroom for hitting, kicking or calling me or his dad names. 3 strikes policy for other negative behaviour, e.g. keeping on asking for TV on when we've explained not now and why etc
/ Reward chart (stickers = pocket money) for positive behaviours we want to encourage, e.g. getting self dressed, wiping own bottom, helping to fees his pets
/ Strict bedtime routine that doesn't change much, even in holidays.

Alongside above, I've found getting excited about stuff and getting him involved (e.g. picking paint colours when we're decorating) and giving him small responsibilities (e.g. in charge of bits of cooking meals), and giving very specific praise when he does something positive (e.g. comforting a small child who's crying at soft play).

We're still far from perfect (bribed him with extra pocket money this morning to get him to do a jigsaw instead of constantly asking for TV or needing us to do endless activities with him, and he whinged for ages he couldn't do it before finally he did it quite happily) I now feel respected and in charge, and he seems more settled. I also think they have post-Christmas come down - he can play for hours on his own at other times.

Aww sweetheart. Mine are grown up now but I remember this well. You're doing amazingly well. A few things that might help:

1. There's a song, You Always Hurt The One You Love. So true....they know that it's ok to play up for you. It's because you've made it safe.
2. Don't get involved in squabbles between them....they need to believe you won't wade in so that they can learn to sort stuff them.
3. Limit the choices you offer. 'Would you like to go to bed now or in ten minutes?'
4. Choose a quiet day and put a big piece of paper on the floor. Invite them to write fair house rules. I bet you will be surprised with what they suggest.
5. Agree a limited chore rota. My three had to do either the washing up, clearing the table or emptying the bin. Every night someone would punch the air and shout,,'Yes! Bin!'
6. Give each of them 5 minutes uninterrupted 'Mum' time every night. He gets to tell you how his day has been. Finish with a question....What was your favourite thing from today?
7. Be honest. Don't moan but explain that you are weary. See if they can suggest calm and non tv things to do.
8. Reinvent a film night. Popcorn, duvets and a film. Tge rules are simple. Everyone gets to cuddle and everyone agrees on the film....even if you've seen it a hundred times.

And good luck. They are going to be so proud of you.

xxx

We put passwords on the dcs kindle fires so they have to bring them to me to unlock if they want to play on them. That way I can say "only once you've done x y z".

I've been known to take the tv remotes to bed if they've developed a pattern of tv before uniform in the mornings.

Hi Boredbumhead, you are not alone! Parenting is tough at the best of times. You need to congratulate yourself on being a strong mother who wouldn't allow herself or her sons to be brought up in that abusive environment.
Can you go to your son's school and see their family workers?They often have advice and they may be able to offer a parent club so that you can have 1:1 time with either son to build your relationship. It may be playing board games or cooking.
I have the Raising Boys book here by Steve Biddulph. If you can send me your address I'll post it to you Monday.

I had 3 under 5 at one stage, and the primary school ages seemed especially challenging.

What worked for me was massively limiting screen time. And certainly none after about 5pm to let their brains wind down. We did something physically every day.... long walk, bike ride, swimming, playing at the park. No sugary food after mid afternoon. Long soak in the bath after tea, audio cds or storybooks read together. Just a really quiet calm environment and bedtimes were a lot less challenging.

You sound like you've given them a really good environment in which to thrive..... let the small stuff go, pull them up on the major things only and praise praise praise every little good that happens.

Also...you are definitely not alone, my kids can be very hard too at times.

"They often fight with each other." So do mine and it's crap but one thing you can is separate them.

"I work full time but never get to go out to an excercise class or socialize." I'm sorry this must be very hard. Can you invite friends over for a take away night? Get exercise DVDs at home (I know it is not the same thing but any exercise if good).

"Unless I'm constantly on it with on tap activity and entertainment, they just want to watch shitty YouTube clips of loud..." Let them.

Really allow a certain amount of mindless fun per day, you are knocking yourself out and you don't need to ban all Minecraft games /Peppa pig, BUT they must use earphones when they wake up or cut the wifi.

'They don't respect my authority and constantly test my boundaries.' I would personally try and make some simple rules and stick to them. Maybe have some families meetings and chat (pass something around, a toy trick or whatever works (whoever has the truck talks), get their views but make sure it ends positively. Making things better for all three of you. Have some treats that you can afford (the odd take away, trip swimming, chocs or whatever, movie night with popcorn at home works well sometimes). Offer the rewards when you get the behaviour you want.

"They refuse to get ready for school on time in the week. I have to dress them both like babies."

Don't dress them, start earlier and leave earlier than you normally do. When they can dress themsevles with miniamla fuss earlier reward with a bit of 'quiet' early morning TV or whatever.

" I feel like going to get ill at this rate. They moan and tantrum if they don't want to do something or as soon as I turn off the tech." I think you may get ill but don't expect that to move them, they are too young to understand all you do for them. I personally think you need to make life better when they behave (praise all good efforts from them, don't shame them for needing help to dress but praise them for getting ready on time).

And if you have tried all this and it has not worked then maybe someone else will have some good ideas.

Any chance you can take a day or two off work to help recharge and help look after yourself?

It's HARD work but being playful and silly with your kids and making them laugh for a bit every day can help you feel less like "grumpy mum" and will eventually have you feeling more confident. Sometimes my son won't brush his teeth and I'll get annoyed and tell him off. But the days when I make a joke about it or pretend to brush my toes with itv instead or something equally ridiculous it breaks the tension and then he's more likely to do what's required and we both feel better about it. It also makes bedtime easier and quicker as they feel relaxed. Good luck.

Great advice on here as usual.

Stick at it. It won't happen overnight but if you stay firm they'll get the message. You're the parent don't let them rule you.

I agree about getting ad much fresh air and exercise as possible and turning off wifi. You'll be the bad parent at first but in the end you'll all be healthier in mind and body.