Tell me it gets better, please

[Duggeeismysaviour]

I have a wonderful boisterous just turned 2 year old, and a 6 week old. I know I'm massively lucky to have two healthy kids.

It has been the day from hell. Dh incapacitated unwell, and I have been basically firefighting since 4am. Running from room to room, prioritising tasks that leave me (wee, drink, wash my sweaty self) at the bottom. I'm sick of the sound of my own voice as dc1 pushes the boundaries. I am trying so hard with dc1, to continue giving him the love and attention and opportunities he got before (and yes, he gets lots of tv time now too, I'm no martyr here!)

This isn't a poor me thread, as I know I have so much support and others have it way harder

But I have just had enough. I would never ever let any harm come to dc2, but right now I feel like I have nothing more to give and I resent her a little bit. She is EBF on demand (my choice) and bloody hell now I just cannot get away, even for a short while. Pumping is so far down the list as I can't ever get around to sterilising and setting it up. She is such an innocent little thing but she gives nothing back (of course) and along with her big brother, had taken every last drop of my reserves, both physically and mentally. Once dc1 is in bed, I feel like what's the point, I might as well go off to a dark room to try and get her to sleep as she is over tired and exhausted. I have no energy to even care that my day to day existence is currently shitty. I think its the 24h nature of it all, I want to scream as I will be feeding her every 2h throughout the night.

So tell me, AIBU to wonder why the hell we got ourselves into this situation? Honestly, I can't mentally take her back now I know she exists, but AIBU to wish I could go back in time and stop this much wanted dc2 from entering the picture before I even knew of her? I feel awful for saying this. I feel even more awful that I feel like grandparents all love her more than I do, they just come over and coo and idolise her (they help a lot too).

Tell me it gets better

(ps not PND, just exhausted and had a bad day)

I felt like this OP, with my second. He was a really hard baby, he cried constantly, and I can't cope with crying babies at the best of times, he did it all day. He took all my attention. My ds1 was 5 when he was born, and he suffered becaise of his needyness. No one helped me, dp said I was a terrible mother for saying I didn't want him anymore. In hindsight, between my general down mood, and my obsessive cleaning and having to have everything in the house perfect, it probably was pnd, but no one seemed to pick up on that . It will get better. Toon me a lkbg time to bond with ds2, I loved him but I was just a bag of nerves. I was 18 when I had my first, I thought the second time round would be easier, it wasn't. One of the reasons I have decided to never have another.

Oh my God 😭 you poor thing! Sending you a huge hug💗💗💗.

Listen, you're doing the best you can. I had a type of a "breakdown" last weekend because for the last 5 weeks, my 3 year old got out of bed EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and kept us awake. I was beyond exhausted and my 9 month old is teething so that's just hell. They're sleeping a little more the past 2 days so I'm sleeping ANY time I can. You need to take care of you too💗💗. Easier said than done!

Sometimes I just have days where I sit there and think.. WHY did I do this to myself? I could've been on a beach somewhere, sunning myself with a cocktail in hand. But I'm here, there's pee on the floor, toys everywhere, I look like I've been on the booze all night ... etc etc.

You need to vent, you'll get through this I promise💗💗💗

10000% feel you OP.

DS is 2.5, DD 12 weeks. I’m lucky my toddler is a fabulous well behaved little guy mostly. However, DD has cried pretty much continuously since age was 6 days old. She screams in the car and pram. Won’t be be put down at all. She’s now rejecting the sling which was my only saving grace before, and screams in my carrier too. To get her to sleep at all during the day I have to bounce her on an exercise ball and keep bouncing, at night we cosleepi and she wakes mostly every 1.5/2 hours currently and I’m so beyond exhausted. I hate feeling this was because I should be eternally grateful I have 2 little ones but it’s a miserable existence at the moment. I hate living just to survive the day, it’s an awful feeling. I just keep thinking this isn’t how it’s meant to be. Some days all I can think is that she’s ruined the perfect existence we had before she came along and I miss my toddler and the time we had terribly. The last 12 weeks have pushed me to my absolute limit, and listening to her cry got hours upon hours has honestly changed me.

Yes we should be grateful for what we have but doesn’t mean it’s not allowed to be bloody hard.

The positive in this situation for me is that it’s proved to me his strong me relationship is without a doubt. What’s keeping me going is the thought that it will end and will get better once she s more settled and able to get into more of a routine. Also, the image of us all playing together or watching movies on the couch on a Saturday night in the years to come keeps me going when I’m feeling low.

Sorry got typos... bouncing on the ball...

Like previous poster this is also the reason why we will NEVER have another

2 dcs 16 months apart here. The first year with both was so so tough. It’s just survival, and the lack of sleep/sleep deprivation with a toddler on the go is just something else. Mine are almost 5 and 3.5 now and it’s much better. Still pretty full on, but there are periods when they play together, chat together and don’t need me. Plus dc1 is at school now and the younger one is at pre school so they have their own little lives where they go something on their own and I work which gives me something of me back too.

This is the really hard bit.

I promise it does my 2 under 2s age 13 and 14 now and I even went for a bonus now 9 yo so much easier now they are older though

My daughter is two tomorrow and I have an eight week old son. I completely get what you're saying and am delighted to read all of the posts about it getting easier.

I belly laughed at the PP who said they spun putting the bins out to a blissful 10 mins!!!

Ours are 18 months apart. The first year is tough. Very tough. Lack of sleep is the primary cause. It gets so much better. They play together (and fight) but can be taken to the same places due to similar age interests. A sling is definitely your friend. The only way I could cook tea for the eldest was with the youngest in the sling. I took it everywhere even if I had the pram in case the youngest was unhappy. And it left hands free for the eldest. Get help where you can even if it is just for a couple of hours but it does get better. And it helps to know that. YANBU to find it tough.

Even in 6 weeks there will be a difference.

Does it really help to say "Oh poor you"???

Yes it does.

And those suggesting the OP could feel better by thinking of others who are facing cataclysmic situations are actually preaching at her, not helping.

Sling your little baby (perhaps look into the ones hat allow her to latch on as she pleases?) and that way you can grab something to eat while making meal for your dc1, have a wee. Sleep when she sleeps if you can. When they’re that little it’s easier just to go to bed as early as possible! Just think in years to come your kids will entertain each other and you’ll have an easier time of it than having to be entertained for one child.

Thank you so much for each and every one of your replies. It had genuinely made me feel better to read your experiences, and some of your comments made me smile.

It's been a rubbish night but I'm always more optimistic in the mornings!

Just to answer a few questions

• the sling..... This baby seems to hate it, where I used it constantly with my first. She just pushes her head back off of me like she is trying to see where she is, and ends up crying. I'm so disappointed as my optimistic plan was that she would sleep in the sling for 2-3 months while life carried along as normal with toddler. She is marginally better in the carrier.

• I definitely make sure we all get out daily, by quite early every morning. Have a double buggy thank goodness. But this brings challenges too, not least my toddler who will find the nearest muddy puddle and ultimately trip over as he runs through it. He with face plant, be totally covered in mud and totally delighted. I then have to work out logistics of stripping him down at front door, washing clothes/waterproofs etc, all usually around lunchtime. He is well behaved, but he's a toddler. He will walk holding pram 90% of time when I ask him to, but am unpredictable 10% he will bolt

• DH much better today thankfully

I think it's the winter blues as well. My clothes are just awful, my hair hasn't been cut and coloured for months, and I know it will be a long time before I can realistically sort either out. Mostly I don't care, but when I'm speed walking down the road sweating, greasy hair flapping around face with a shouting hangry toddler and a crying baby, I catch sight of myself in a shop window and think.. What has become of me? I used to spend jan in the carribean! I quite often look at people in passing now, living their lives... Usually sitting having a drink with friends, or a quiet coffee, or walking somewhere alone, and I want to send them a silent SOS because I've been taken hostage!

I'm making light of things (and waffling) but it has been hard and I am upset that I have so many fleeting feelings of resentment at the baby. I think its harder because toddler has such a wonderful, vibrant emerging personality by comparison. When he was PFB at this age, everything he did was astounding to me. The first comment about the red button rang true. I can't wait for the first smile. And that first post bedtime glass of wine.

Ps having read this thread, I vow to sleep more in the day when I have help. So far I have not had a single daytime nap, because I'm so protective of my alone (awake) time.

I realised a while ago that I have virtually no memories of the DTs’ first year, (DS was 2 when they were born), apart from the odd occasion. Like the time when I sank to the ground, crying and saying ‘Siri, how do I stop my babies crying?’ Never asked Siri anything else, the useless wagon.
And I remember how hard it was before they smiled - they were born six weeks early, so the smiles weren’t till much later than usual. But when the smiles come, it’s all worth it for those seconds!
And around a year, I remember thinking ‘Actually, this really isn’t so bad, we’ll get through this.’

And now they play together and fight together and teach each other stuff and are generally a joy.

You’ll get through this, and it will be so lovely having two close together. But I do feel your pain for now.

Just read your recent reply, you need to book your hair app ASAP. I'm sure you look fine but little things help👍🏻. I NEVER used to get my hair coloured, lashes done .. things like that before kids. Now I'm making sure I'm getting some ME time. You'll lose your marbles otherwise 🤦🏻‍♀️💗😂.

I know it's no real help us all telling you, it gets better when you're just beyond shattered right now.. but it WILL💗💗. DEFINITELY sleep during the day if you need to. I've started that recently again because I melt down at the smallest things. Exhaustion is such a killer. Hope you have a good day today🙏🏻🙏🏻

I’m a big BF supporter but I’m not sure strict EBF is worth it if it means you’re exhausted and resentful. Would it be worth introducing a bottle once a day - just to give you a chance to go off and have a nap or an early night or get hair done? Assuming she will take one of course, my second wouldn’t

PS - I mean a bottle of formula. Please don’t try adding expressing into the mix!

It does get easier, but not very quickly ime. I’ve got a 4 year old and a 20 month year old. Older DC is lovely to spend time with 1:1 and easy company. The younger one doesn’t sleep through ever, which is so exhausting. If there was a big red button a PP mentioned, I push it!

It does get so much better- and soon. My two are a just under two years apart. My older ( very determined independent little soul) decided she was going to potty train the summer her little baby brother was born. I barely remember the first 3 month of his life tbh! There are photos ( I guess the grandparents took them!) and I know we were all there...but I can’t quite pin down memories through the ex’s sister haze! Now they are 5 and 7 and much more manageable and enjoyable company! You’ll come out the other side soon.

Ex’s sister = exsausted!

Your last post just made me cry. I have two 18 months apart. Last Christmas my second DS was a newborn and I genuinely can’t remember Christmas at all. I cried every time my DH left for work in the morning and I ended up in counselling for PND where I sobbed telling them I didn’t love my baby.
But now I am myself again, I’m happy, we are all healthy and the two boys love each other so much and they are only 2+1 so there is so much more to come. It will get better, 6 months was a massive turning point for me. But you must sleep during nap time and get them both down at the same time. Your sanity is the most important thing 💐 xxx

Hmmm. Here's a few more options, OP.

• Some babies are naturally nosy. Once DC2 has good head control, try it again with a back carry. She will see much more and you will get a running commentary (and gummy fingers) in your ears. My sister opted for a forward-facing front carry to solve the same problem, but I was not keen as you don't get the same bottom support and the minute they grow longer, it gets tricky when walking!

• I went out with the assumption that DC1 would find a puddle! To the point he was dressed in a waterproof onesie with welliesand I had a microtowel stashed in the buggy to wipe him off before he sat down! You can find them quite cheaply second hand on eBay.

• If you have the room, get two boxes (or IKEA cubbyholes) in the hallway. One contains your outgoing stuff, such as your buggy bag, complete with clothes, wipes, nappies and snacks. It can also hold things like hats, mittens and sunscreen in the summer. The other box contains your incoming gear. Socks or slippers, towels, fleece blanket, hair brush etc. I will confess, in the winter I used to add fluffy PJs if we came in when it was dark.

• Yes, get your hair done!! You will instantly feel better. If you will struggle with the salon, find a mobile hair dresser who will visit your home. Also find a funky knitted hat to make you smile (or beg a crafty friend to make you one)

• Shamelessly exploit your nearby charity shops. Pick your area carefully to bag some good labels and the best bit is the way the toy section will enrapture DC1 whilst you browse. Easily 10 minutes of peace.

Good luck!

All in one waterproof suit and wellies for the toddler. That way you can strip them off at the door and he will be clean underneath.

I spent ages holding and trying to comfort my screaming PFB as a baby before I worked out that actually she was happier lying down with something to look at (mobile) or play with. When I put her down she would initially keep wailing (which is why it wasn't obvious) but after a few minutes, she would settle and be perfectly happy.

11.5 month gap between mine. Currently aged 1 and 2. Yup it’s bloody relentless and I do struggle but things did get a bit better when DC2 started walking as she is now able to entertain herself more rather than me having to carry/ hold her while also trying to chase after a toddler.

As someone once said, the days go so slowly but the years go so fast. While each day can feel like an eternity the baby stage will be gone before we know it, so all we can do is try to enjoy the bits we can, be kind to ourselves and remember that one day we will sleep again!!

I've a 2 year old and 8 week year old cannot rememebr the last time I had a minute to myself.

It will and does get better. Having two so young is so hard. Like someone else said, just keep them alive 😂 try not to be hard on yourself, the two year old will get used to sharing your attention. You will find something that works well for you juggling them both. Make sure your partner does his bit support makes a big difference. Get all the help that's offered from family if the ask to take you toddler out to the park or whatever. Hopefully as the little ones are so close in age the will play together well when they are older. Mine are best friends even though there is 3 years between them. They fight sometimes but I can see why people have more than one now, they love playing together.