Tell me it gets better, please

[Duggeeismysaviour]

I have a wonderful boisterous just turned 2 year old, and a 6 week old. I know I'm massively lucky to have two healthy kids.

It has been the day from hell. Dh incapacitated unwell, and I have been basically firefighting since 4am. Running from room to room, prioritising tasks that leave me (wee, drink, wash my sweaty self) at the bottom. I'm sick of the sound of my own voice as dc1 pushes the boundaries. I am trying so hard with dc1, to continue giving him the love and attention and opportunities he got before (and yes, he gets lots of tv time now too, I'm no martyr here!)

This isn't a poor me thread, as I know I have so much support and others have it way harder

But I have just had enough. I would never ever let any harm come to dc2, but right now I feel like I have nothing more to give and I resent her a little bit. She is EBF on demand (my choice) and bloody hell now I just cannot get away, even for a short while. Pumping is so far down the list as I can't ever get around to sterilising and setting it up. She is such an innocent little thing but she gives nothing back (of course) and along with her big brother, had taken every last drop of my reserves, both physically and mentally. Once dc1 is in bed, I feel like what's the point, I might as well go off to a dark room to try and get her to sleep as she is over tired and exhausted. I have no energy to even care that my day to day existence is currently shitty. I think its the 24h nature of it all, I want to scream as I will be feeding her every 2h throughout the night.

So tell me, AIBU to wonder why the hell we got ourselves into this situation? Honestly, I can't mentally take her back now I know she exists, but AIBU to wish I could go back in time and stop this much wanted dc2 from entering the picture before I even knew of her? I feel awful for saying this. I feel even more awful that I feel like grandparents all love her more than I do, they just come over and coo and idolise her (they help a lot too).

Tell me it gets better

(ps not PND, just exhausted and had a bad day)

I know you are tired and exhausted, BUT just think of the many women who would give everything to be in the position just to have one healthy child let alone two!
I am not having a go or criticising you but please count your blessings, and remember that they are this small for a very short time.

I used to insist on doing tasks like taking the wheelie bins from the side path to the front pavement every week. It felt like I’d escaped to the moon. Even better on garden waste weeks where I could spin it out for 10 minutes.

It does pass. I remember the desperation of the pointlessness of going to bed, not much point really as there wasn’t any sleeping going on, so it just made me resentful of the world.

Will dh be better soon so he can share the load? Otherwise throw money at soft play during the winter, it’s marginally better than being trapped in the lounge all day.

We have just started trying for number 2 and now im scared!

OP it sounds like you are doing amazingly well. Cut all the corners you can - frozen chopped onions takeaways for you and and DH, Peppa bastarding Pig on loop. And vent here. MN saved me after my first baby.

Yes, of course it does. You’ll be fine. Ignore anything even vaguely non-essential and concentrate on feeding everyone, essential clothing, vague tidy, emotional/physical needs of elder child - make sure they are not left out, lots of game need to be played involving new baby etc.
Ask fir help if you need it.
Put the TV on.
Drink wine.

@hazelBite

Yes I'm sure she knows that. There is always someone worse off than us. But that doesn't cancel out her feelings or make them any less! She's a mum to two small people. One is only a tiny baby. She's allowed to feel how she feels and ask for some supportive words. Your comment isn't helpful. She doesn't need jumping on like she's being ungreatful.

I remember the early months with two kids. headaches, tiredness, headless chicken feeling, struggle to get out the house, baby crying whilst you are out, heavy periods, housework, cooking. It was a huge change and sometimes I needed to vent! I still appreciated my babies.

It'll get better. Then get worse again. If you're finding EBF too hard and worrying, then bottle feed? Doesn't make you a failure, bad mother, arsehole etc... it makes you human!!

Have a small plan or goal to achieve every day. If it's getting the baby to sleep in a sling, a cot, their chair, playmat. Then let the 4 yr old have an hour with mummy, sometimes they just need a cuddle rather than an ocean of toys.

Just don't beat yourself up.
You can do it.
Get out in the fresh air tomorrow with them, wear the 4 year old out - then jump on the sofa and don't move.

It gets better! It takes bloody ages but eventually it becomes easier I promise. Look after yourself, sleep as much as you can, it’s so vital for good health. And know that even if other mums seem altogether, inside they’re just getting by!

Great advice here!

She'll start giving back soon.

And don't rule out PND, it's a sneaky bugger.

It won't be long until you feed ds 2 at 11pm and slump into an exhausted sleep, open your eyes andrealise it's 3.30am when you are awoken.

This is a piggy time of year to have a little baby. So much dark.

I used to feel if I cd get 5hrs unbroken sleep I cd rule the world.

It's jolly good training for when they go out clubbing and you don't know where they are at 2am and wish they were screaming in the cot.

Honestly, it gets better. I remember when my eldest was two and it was such hard work. At three it became much easier (and I find I am much more in my element with DD2 as I know more what to expect and how to handle it!).

There's a website called Hand In Hand Parenting which has a lot of good parenting advice which I found very useful in getting through it...

5 year old and 6 month old and even with the big age gap I found it so hard going from 1 to 2. Dd was so jealous of her new brother and it was the summer holidays just after he was born so I was with them both on my own a lot. It definitely gets easier at round about 3 now 6 months in its a pleasure and we're all actually enjoying it! I know the feeling of it being relentless I felt I was on 24 hr duty and was utterly exhausted!

Don't be afraid to consider rearranging your sleeping arrangements and co-sleeping with one or both children if it works better for you.

I got rid of my bed entirely and had a larger mattress on the floor.

Of course it might not be right for you at all!

My main point is that you should make any changes that make life easier and nicer for you, even if they are non-standard :-) ... remember also to make time to care for yourself!

Course it gets better! Book a holiday, do something nice, plan a great summer and just write off the bad day, don’t dwell on it. Tomorrow’s a new day.

I could have written this exact post myself 7 years ago! It really does get so much easier, I promise!

It is really, really hard to transition from one child to two. You have much more than twice the work, especially with the age gap that you are looking at. The 24/7 aspect of it is horrendous, far worse than with just one because you are stretched in both directions and the needs of each one are overwhelming.

Lower your housekeeping and cooking standards. Cook twice a week and eat leftovers for a few days. Eat ready made meals too. Ask the grandparents to cook something for you.

Set as a priority you getting into the shower every morning and getting dressed. Splash on a little perfume and some mascara.

Get out of the house every day even for half an hour. If you can't get out with the DCs, then do what a PP suggested and stick your own nose out for a few minutes.

I will go against the grain here and suggest you don't try to sleep or catnap when you get a chance during the day. Stay awake and do something for yourself or something that makes you feel like a human being if you have the chance to.

Take multivitamins, drink lots of water. If you don't have a big, insulated travel mug, get one and you can have a sip of hot tea or coffee all morning without having to take the time to make a fresh one, and without having to resort to microwaving.

DC2 will start to have better organised sleep/wake periods in the next few weeks, and feeding will turn into more of a predictable event.

Can DC1 go to nursery for a few hours in the week? Could the grandparents take DC1 off to a softplay or playground for one morning a week? If they tell you in advance that they're coming around could you ask that they bring a casserole or something for dinner with them? Could they watch the little ones while you take a quick shower?

Is DH going to recover soon or is his illness a long term thing?

*If you feel you are sliding into PND, please talk to your HV.

That sounds exhausting! Your husband will get better and will be helpful. This is the most exhausting time. Mine are now 7and 9 and quite frankly looking after them is a piece of piss and fun (apart from the shouting to get them to tidy their room this afternoon!) A newborn and a toddler with no help - you are a hero. Talk to friends in the flesh, not on here. It's important. No one cares if the house is a mess - invite them round and make them bring cake.

You are utterly doomed, OP. Doomed I tell ye!

Yes, it gets better. Just do what you have to, to survive the first 12 weeks. Right now:

• jump in the bath. If DC2 wakes up, you can rest her on your chest and gently scoop warm water over her: babies LOVE it.The only downside is that if you feed her in the bath, there's a chance she may poop during the feed.

• tomorrow, if the weather permits just get out of the house for half an hour. Take snacks and visit the park, do puddle jumping or look for fire trucks. I have actually taken both of mine out in the rain before as they were wrapped up snugly in the sling/ buggy and guaranteed to nap, giving me half an hour of peace to listen to music or quietly whimper to myself.

• speaking of which: get a sling. DC2 will love it and you can actually breastfed on the go (some days, it was the only way I could guarantee food and drink for myself).

• get quick-cook meals or use a slow cooker and don't be too proud to feed chicken nuggets to DC1, if thats what it takes.

Good luck. I am 4 years down the line and the sheer relentless demands will lessen.

@Fuzzyhair89
You misunderstand and mis-read my post.
What the OP is experiencing (as many posters have said) is part and parcel of being a parent.
We have all been there but it does help when you are overwhelmed to think of the bigger picture!
Does it really help to say "Oh poor you"???

20 month age gap here, and totally feel your pain. It is so so hard and exhausting. Yes, they're only little for a short time... thank Christ!!

When my youngest started sitting up, that was a total game changer. She can now fiddle with toys quite happily for a while and join in at mealtimes in her high chair. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you will soon I hope.

Just take it one little moment at a time, one day at a time.

No advice other than to recommend a sling in which DC2 can feed in on demand so you don’t necessarily have to keep picking them up/adjusting yourself

Mine have the same age gap and the first 18 months to 2 years were hard but after that it was SO much easier - they are best friends and play together really well 80% of the time and hardly need me at all! You will definitely feel better about having the 2nd when theyre 2 and 4 or better still 6 and 4 and you're watching or listening to them chatting away and knowing that you've given them a friend for life.

Mind you, mine are now 11 and 8 and I'm pregnant with a third. I might be mad.

It’s hard when they’re little but it gets easier.

Just get through the day. And then take a deep breath and be grateful that you and your children aren’t in Syria with your world crumbling around you, or in Australia sitting on the beach in the middle of the night because your house is likely to burn down any minute, or... or... or... I’m sure this will sound heartless but you need some perspective.

Similar age gap here, and I remember the relentless exhaustion of the early days.
My advice is remember you need to look after you. You can't look after the dcs if you make yourself ill with exhaustion.

Tell people if you are struggling, and I am sure you will get offers of help. I'd happily watch a friend's kids for an hour so they could have a bath, eat a proper meal, or sleep.
If budget allows get a double pram. (There are usually ones on FB selling sites for a good price). Good chance they will both nap.

Use preprepared convenience foods while your DH is too unwell to help.
Personal choice but I gave up trying to express as I never had any baby free time to do it and DH gave a bottle of formula late evening so I could go to bed early. The extra sleep made a huge difference.

It does get easier quite quickly as you'll soon settle into a better routine. Mine are 6 and 4 now, best mates, and really good fun. As they get older 2 years is a perfect age gap. Close enough to enjoy similar activities, but not so close they compete over every single thing.

If grandparents are very helpful could one of them have DC1, at least in the days, until DH is better? 2 yr old and a baby is tough enough with 2 adults doing the running never mind just one.