To never get over the guilt?

[Mummyscrewedup]

Aibu to roll my eyes everytime someone tells me to stop blaming myself and that I need to stop feeling guilty?

My child is 7, severe domestic abuse for first three years of their live. Child now has major attachment problems, PTSD, arrested emotional development, can't form meaningful relationships the list is huge of developmental problems all linked in too.

I am really struggling to live with myself and the guilt. I can't even look at them much of the time because I see a child who my actions have ruined. I think they need to be with people who can give them what I can't.

We’re you the one who was doing the abuse?? If not, you are as much a victim as your child and you did well to get away. I hope with time things will get easier for you both.

You poor thing OP. I'm no expert (and I hope you're under the care of a professional) but it might help to just accept those feelings of guilt for the time being. (Just to be clear I don't think you should feel guilty). I think trying to suppress the feelings will give them greater strength and just exist as an additional emotional demand.

No, it was their father. A huge catalogue of abuse. Child witnessed, heard and even got caught in the middle of dozens and dozens of violent assaults over three years. I'm as much responsible as he was for staying

Learn to live with the guilt and use it as a reminder to do better every day.

The father is responsible and not you. It is very, very hard to leave an abusive relationship so you are not to blame at all.

You are not as responsible as he was. You were also a victim. He and only he is responsible. I’m so sorry you’ve both suffered. I hope that you’re both getting support now. You’ve done a brave thing in leaving. Please don’t blame yourself.

Really sorry to hear your story.
It's not your fault that you can't just turn off feelings of guilt like clicking a light switch. So I voted YANBU for finding it unhelpful when people tell you "stop feeling guilty" - on its own, that's not necessarily helpful. But I do think you are possibly BU for feeling that your DC is better off without you. Take care OP, keep getting help xx

Did you abuse your partner? No. So you and your child were (are?) victims of abuse. So it’s not your fault. And the guilt can often hold you back from taking action and cause further damage like you “not being able to look at them” which is incredibly hurtful to the child. When a child is experiencing such things they blame themselves so you are now impacting as well- as their interpretation of your Guilt will be Blame. It’s all their fault and this is proven to them by you not being able to look at them etc.
You both need help.

You were just as much a victim. AND you need to forgive yourself as well then you can make peace with the guilt. You got your dc out of that situation, you are strong and your dc needs that strength. Are you getting any help for yourself?

You need to lovebomb your child now and do a lot of research into how to do the best thing for your child.

Are you all somewhere safe now? Does your child still see his dad?

Shoulda, coulda, woulda! You can’t change the past. At the time, you were probably extremely scared and under his control. Like I said before, you did extremely well to leave. No one can make you get over the guilt, but it doesn’t help anyone. I’m sure there are books and other resources available for victims of domestic abuse. Please seek them out.

op it is easier said than done to leave a violent /abuse situation. people who think you can just up sticks and work have no idea what it's like to be in a toxic relationship.
you question everything even down to the point of the simplest of things, it is one hell of a struggle.

YANBU in a way as both parents are supposed to protect their children.

But ultimately you weren't responsible for the DV and getting yourself and your DC out of the situation is never going to be easy.

Your child is young and it was 'only' the first 3 years, so the effects may not be as bad as you think.

The thing that you have to do above all else is seperate your own emotional needs from your child’s.

Problem A: You are struggling with feelings of guilt and, I imagine, other MH consequences of living with abuse. The solution is to get yourself some professional help, ie counselling.

Problem B: Your child has emotional and attatchment difficulties. The solution here is to be a warm, present, engaged, emotionally available parent.

It’s gard to achieve solution B without first tackling A. You beating yourself up and barely being able to look at your own child is not helping them.

The very best thing for your child is not giving them to somebody ‘better’ to look after. Your child doean’t want somebody better. Your child loves, and wants, you. So focus on gettuing yourself the help you need so that you can be there for your child.

I think I understand OP. Living with a feeling of guilt is very difficult and simply being told you shouldn't feel guilt is dismissive and undermining

No, you are not as responsible as he was. You were also a victim of abuse.

Have you sought specialist help? If not, please call Women's Aid or seek local help for victims of abuse.

You can turn your life and your child's life around. You can change the patterns. What you do now really matters. That's why specialist help will be massively important. They can help you believe in yourself, and take steps to change this. You don't have to remain a victim and nor does your child.

Can you see it differently? You have the power to change you, and change the future. Staying as you are, feeling guilt and self-blame allows your abusive bastard of an ex to continue to have the power.

Much love to you OP.

No there is a zero contact order so child doesn't have to see him.

I don't want support because I can't drag up the emotion of what he did to me.

The first 3 years have caused life long problems.

The first 3 years have caused life long problems.

You don't know that because you can't see into the future.

However (and I mean this gently) your child may pick up on your guilt and that may affect them just as much or possibly more.

I think you need counselling.

That sounds like a horrific time.

But you managed to get both yourself and your child out of that situation. Many don’t or can’t. Many fail their child that way. You for our and should never be guilty for the consequences of what someone else did. Easier said than done.

But feeling guilty that you saved your child is a waste of your life now.

For the first time ever, YABU but for the best possible reasons!

I know it’s hard OP, but if you’re still suffering the effects of the abuse I would really advise you to consider trauma therapy. I understand why you would prefer to avoid this, but for your child’s sake you need to be the strongest person you can be to help them deal with their own trauma. They need you, no matter how they might behave towards you at times.

What professional support is your child having? Are CAMHS working with them, and you?

Support doesn’t have to mean raking over the past and re-living it all. Nobody would want that. Lots of therapies are present- and future-orientated. Look up ‘acceptance and commitment therapy’ and ‘solution-focussed therapy’. You need to make peace with yourself and find a positive way forward for both you and your child.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247
Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Please access support OP. I understand you are scared to drag up all the emotions. This isn't about pushing you down into those feelings again, it's about giving you tools to take forward to give you and your child the opportunity to recover and heal, and create a new way of being. Enabling you to live a life free of guilt, so that you can be free of him.

Please call them ❤️❤️

You can't change the past, you can only start from where you are now. Research how best to help your child and build a stronger attachment. Finding it difficult to look at him because you feel so much guilt will not help him. You do need to get help with this and that need not involve talking about the past, it is more a matter of what you can do in the future. Your child is only 7 and there are ways of improving his emotional well being. I am sorry that both of you have been through such a horrible time.

PumpkinCountry that is not all OP can do! FFS. And she doesn't need to hold onto guilt as a stick to best herself with and remind her of the past!

What she and her child needs is support to move forward beyond the feelings of guilt so that she can break the cycle of abuse, and give herself and her child the gift of a better life!