To never get over the guilt?

[Mummyscrewedup]

Aibu to roll my eyes everytime someone tells me to stop blaming myself and that I need to stop feeling guilty?

My child is 7, severe domestic abuse for first three years of their live. Child now has major attachment problems, PTSD, arrested emotional development, can't form meaningful relationships the list is huge of developmental problems all linked in too.

I am really struggling to live with myself and the guilt. I can't even look at them much of the time because I see a child who my actions have ruined. I think they need to be with people who can give them what I can't.

Hello OP, you are a survivor, you too are suffering the impact of what you endured; I hope you are in a place you both feel safe in now, that you feel is Home. For it is only when safe that the healing begins, and some of that is recognising what you've both experienced. You didn't invite this terror, you did not maliciously put your child through this. Their constant is you, you got them out of the bad place.
I am a survivor, I have a daughter, we talk our way through things. It has taken several years to untangle our blaming ourselves and get through to looking to the future. You need some support, though. It is brutal trying to go it alone. I tried. My physical, permanent injuries make it necessary to face what happened, and how we managed, how we made ourselves safe, and how we will continue to be safe. I offer you this personal experience as hope for you. Don't give up, your child needs you to help them through this period of adjusting to what was, what is and what may be. And you need to find suitable support-in activities that distract you & build for the future (I got involved in voluntary work, and political activism, as much as my injuries permit), while working through the pain & fear your child can and will move on from. It doesn't disappear, but it can be empowering instead of diminishing.
Support can be found in many places, it's about what suits you both, but I implore you to build it into both of your daily lives sooner rather than later. As well as psychiatric, psychotherapeutic, medical, there are survivor's groups, women's groups, political women's officers & women's networks. You are not alone.
You have a core of steel.
This is not your fault.
Allow human kindness into your life, you did not invite the brutality & did not deserve it.
Much warmth to you.

Onwards and upwards OP.
Your post will hopefully inspire anyone in this situation to leave quicker.
Love is the greatest healer, my cousin has 2 longterm 10 year foster DC from a similar background.
They eventually witnessed their DM being disfigured with boiling water aged 2 and 3
though with long term foster care, love support from cousin and her DH they are fantastic fun DC.

You need to get support for the sake of your children and yourself, go to the doctors . Your children neeed you to do this .
You are not a bad person , but bad things have happened to you . Call your doctor and explain . goodluck x

It isn’t too late to make up for that period in your child’s life (even though it isn’t your fault). You have managed to escape which is admirable, now you have to look to the future and do the best you can to help yourself and your child heal. Every day is a new day and a new chance to make positive changes. That is what I try to tell myself.

Guilt is pointless. You're job now is to move on, and prioratise your child......... and I really hope this thread is a wake up call to women living in similar situations. That children are very much harmed even when they aren't directly on the receiving end of abuse.

You left as soon as you could. And you've stayed away for four years.

Your child is traumatised, but so are you.

Instead of using the guilt to destroy yourself, use it to power you. Use it to motivate yourself to heal - which includes gradually dealing with your own emotions and your trauma - and to support your child with their healing.

I see the Freedom Programme has already been suggested. Have you done it? It covers the impact on children but also the ways they recover once the abuser is removed. All the positives that can enter their lives once the abuser exits it. And all the damage your child has been spared because you got them out so young.

Is your child being helped? Are you?

The way you're beating yourself up is as much a legacy of the trauma you went through as anything else.

In a really twisted way blaming yourself makes you feel in control and safe again - because if it's all your fault you can prevent it happening again. Whereas the reality is more uncertain and complex. And that can feel intolerable.

Do you take any strength or comfort from the huge steps you have taken to protect and care for your child since escaping?

Maybe you didn't protect your child as well as you wish you could have done, but you have done something about that. Something massive. They're protected now because of you. You can't change the past, but you can change what you do next.

Your child needs you. Please don’t think otherwise. You have got out which is amazing, one day your child will understand that. In the meantime please try and be kind to yourself. All of our children have all sorts of issues; we struggle with them every day- but one thing is certain your child would not be better off with someone else!

The guilt is part of the abuse. It takes a while to manipulate a person into accepting physical abuse and it will take longer to unravel the twisted lies he used to reduce you to that level. Even if there are things you did which you shouldn't have, you can use that knowledge to prevent anything like it happening again.

You escaped with your lives and so many women and children don't. Hold onto that. You seem really committed to working through the problems you both still have, and I feel certain that you will both make it out the other side of this, stronger and happier.

Just put it behind you. You made some mistakes. We all make mistakes. Don't let it define your future. You can be happy again. Just enjoy being single and don't repeat your past.

I agree with the pp. You can’t help feeling guilty but try to use it as a means to make the situation better for the pair of you.

You can’t change the past but you can change the future OP.

Use that negative emotion and turn it in to a positive outcome!!!

Good luck

Focus on your little one. They didn’t have an ideal start, and now need as much love and support as you can give.

I would strongly recommend counselling for you both.

Thank you. These posts have really helped.

In my ways I know I am channelling my guilt into getting my child the support, I know I can't change the past but I don't think I will move on from the past until i can improve the present/future.

I'm do thankful we have a no contact order, I still live in fear he will keep trying to gain access. It's a really strong order but there's always a chance it can be overturned.

For those who have mentioned not repeating.. I genuinely will not allow myself to get into another relationship whilst I have dependent children. I grew up in abuse and I know my judgement and awareness of healthy relationships is poor. I have done the freedom programme but I won't risk making the same mistake twice.

I am working with school on helping my child but whilst they have had kids with insecure attachment before, the extremity of my child's is unfamiliar territory so they are learning as we go along too. We have lots of plans but it's getting it right and getting it in the right order and the fact my child has emotional development of a toddler. I know it won't be quick and I'm exhausted :(

I think you need to find your tribe where you feel understood.

Domestic Abuse survivors and some counselling. It will help.

A dear friend with was an awful man. Had a child. The child has additional emotional needs. But everyday she does her best and she loves him. Loves him on the good days and the bad and although life is tricky, her son is loved and in between the tricky times there is real joy and lots of warmth and love.

Try and find RL help and support. You both deserve it.

The very fact that you are so profoundly upset and have such insight would indicate that your son is most certainly better off with you than without

I completely agree with this comment upthread. Without doubt you will now the the rock in your child's life, the oasis of peace and calm and safety and are so valuable to them. They need you now more than ever. I hope you can see this, even as you wrestle with your own feelings about what happened to you both.

@Mummyscrewedup
I can't even look at them much of the time because I see a child who my actions have ruined.
I don't want support because I can't drag up the emotion of what he did to me.

You need to seek and accept support to help your DC now and in the future, however hard it is for you.

if you feel like you cant live you need to seek help ASAP! no point in looking back move forward and do the best for your child.

You did not sign up to having a child and them living a life of abuse. You were a loving mother and had plans to provide your beautiful baby with a wonderful life with all the love they needed. But you had an abused childhood yourself so didn't notice any red flags waving at you, and this violent man took advantage of that and hoovered you up. In spite of that, you've done your best to save your child from the horrible situation your abuser placed you both in. Unfortunately the mental damage from abuse is inflicted quickly but is slow to unravel and heal from. It's far from hopeless though.

You have time, all the time you and your child need. You know it will be slow, but a lot of the best and most important work happens slowly. That doesn't mean nothing is happening as the days rumble on apparently much the same.

I can see why you would torture yourself with guilt, but I also don't think you need to. Can you sort of press pause on the guilt and say to yourself "rightly or wrongly i feel partly responsible for the trauma my child has undergone, BUT I'm not ready to address that at the moment. What we both need is kindness and love and space to heal gradually, free from me beating myself up. So, I'm going to put the guilt safely on this shelf for now so it isn't hanging around my neck. It's not locked away festering, but I refuse to carry it around every day anymore. I will come and deal with it with the right help and at the right time, which isn't now.". And then every time it tries to catch your thoughts, mentally place it back up on that shelf and replace with a more happy/positive/encouraging thought (and never feel like its not worth the positive thought because kids DO make amazing turnarounds from situations where their development looks totally compromised due to terrible early starts in life).

Is the exhaustion an emotional burnout or genuine lack of sleep too? Do you get any breaks or help from family/friends. I have a feeling you are doing a much better job than you think you are

Your child most definitely needs you and should be with you. Exactly what do you think will happen to their attachment disorder if you abandon them? DA/DV is awful and I do feel some guilt for staying so long but we are survivors. Every day brings more light. Nobody is perfect; you are doing your best and you will do even better in the future. It's not enough to believe that your child is worth it; you need to believe you are worth it too. You are.

Sorry to be harsh but you need to stop thinking of how you feel and think about how your kid feels. Do you think they would prefer to have you as a mother or a complete stranger? Of course they would prefer to have you as a mother. Release yourself from your guilt for their sake if you can’t release yourself from your guilt for your sake. Our children love us unconditionally - let your child love you underconditionally as I am sure they want to. Forgive yourself and just love them and enjoy this new phase in your life.

If you hadn't got out when you did, things could only have been worse. The only real way to have prevented this was not to have a child with your ex in the first place but a, how could you have known what he'd become and b, of course you wouldn't wish for your child's sake they her never been born. The point is, you got out pretty quickly and therefore you're your child's saviour.