To never get over the guilt?

[Mummyscrewedup]

Aibu to roll my eyes everytime someone tells me to stop blaming myself and that I need to stop feeling guilty?

My child is 7, severe domestic abuse for first three years of their live. Child now has major attachment problems, PTSD, arrested emotional development, can't form meaningful relationships the list is huge of developmental problems all linked in too.

I am really struggling to live with myself and the guilt. I can't even look at them much of the time because I see a child who my actions have ruined. I think they need to be with people who can give them what I can't.

Beat herself, not best herself. Crappy autocorrect!

Look at Dan Hughes work on parenting children with attachment issues and helping them heal.

If your guilt is damaging your relationship with your child further then you need to do everything you can to manage your emotions. They’ve already been through hell, as you explain, and they only have you now so it’s your job to be the best parent you can - open, caring, present, engaged, supportive and looking to the future not stuck in the past.

You poor thing

The first three years were not good no, but the future is yours. Please seek some help for the trauma you've endured and then you'll be in a much better place to help your child and you both can build a fulfilling future.

You were both victims.

You did not subject your child to 3 years of abuse. You got you both out and saved them from another 13-15 years of it.

You are a hero. Not a villain.

Please get yourself the help to see this.

Well I think guilt is a healthy emotion, it keeps us in check. It's just how we use it that's the problem. A person can use guilt as an excuse to run away or as a motivator to move forward.

The op shouldn't beat herself up, but I do think it's unhelpful to recovery to deny her part (failing to safeguard dc to the extent that dc is likely to suffer some life long problems).

You can't change the past but you can learn from it. Don't let your guilt be a reason to further impact the child by avoiding them, passing them to whoever you think would be better at looking after them than you. They don't want someone else, they want you. Accept the awful things have happened and you have made sure they stop, and just focus on protecting your child now and in the future. That's all any of us can do. Focussing on past mistakes is not helpful to anyone.

I'm as much responsible as he was for staying

Hey - stop this, all right?

Even in DV relationships where there are no children involved, the victim comes out of it with feelings of self-blame & shame.
No prizes for guessing where that mindset came from. DV victims are used to being blamed for everything, even the fact that their partner is abusing them.

Part of the process of moving forward into a happier life is finding a way to accept that the shame belongs to the abuser, not the victim.

Ask yourself this - why are you berating yourself for your ex's crimes, instead of congratulating yourself for escaping him after those first 3 years of DC's life? Look at so many posts on MN from women who were browbeaten into believing they could not escape & endured decades - you have managed to get yourself & your child out & should be celebrating that fact proudly.

What RL support are you receiving?
I am concerned that the abuse your ex heaped onto you is still affecting your thought processes & self esteem. If you continue with this mindset, you are allowing his twisted narrative to control you.
This is a very common pattern & it takes time to escape it.
Have you had any counselling post-relationship?
Either way, if you are not engaged with some form of therapy currently, please see your GP, or contact Womens Aid, for advice & contacts to professional, approved therapists.

The way you are feeling now is a hangover from the control & abuse you were put through by your ex. You are not responsible for that, you are not to blame for it, & it needs to stop poisoning your thoughts like this. You are the person who escaped you ex & brought your child to safety. Now it is time to capitalise on the bravery & resourcefulness that let you escape, & use it to find professional guidance in how to finally deal with the remaining symptoms of DV.

Professional help will give you the toolkit & support you need to rebuild your self-esteem. Better self-esteem will lead to a more resiliant you, who is better equipped to guide her child through the additional work that needs to be done around the attachment issues etc.

You deserve that support OP.
The stronger you are, the better able you will be to care for your child, to build even deeper links with them, & to ensure that they too have full access to any professional support they need as you both grow away from the terrors that were inflicted on you.

& also you are a survivor who deserves to celebrate xx

It must be frustrating for the OP
She is clearly exasperated by people telling her not to feel guilty and yet players ignore this and post Disney comments such as You are a hero. Not a villain.

OP - you and your son need extensive counselling, together and apart.

The very fact that you are so profoundly upset and have such insight would indicate that your son is most certainly better off with you than without

Been in a almost exact situation, my child is now nearly 12 been out almost 9 years
I promise it will get better have faith take your time.. you have saved 2 people .. you have already achieved the impossible .. most don't get out alive be proud you are a warrior you are a hero! You have just shown your anything is possible
Hats off to you

**the guilt is natural it's part of the process it will ease..
To all the people saying she should talk about it .. easier said than done

I don't think you have failed your child at all. You have been strong enough to get both of you out of a very dangerous and abusive situation in which you were both victims.

You need some counselling. I know you seem against it and I can understand why you have reservations, but you need help to find the way forward for you and your child.

I don't want support because I can't drag up the emotion of what he did to me.

And if you do not drag up that emotion, it will drag you under.
That nasty internal voice that's telling you that you are not good enough for your child? - that's the emotion created by what your ex did to you. It is fake. It is imposed upon you. You need help seeing that & dealing with it.
The only way out of this is through it OP.
And on the way through you will be amazed as the wisdom, support & compassion shown by support professionals.

Right now, you need that wisdom, support & compassion, in order to be able to process your own feelings sufficiently to be able to accept that, to paraphase excellent point from PP "your child doesn't want someone 'better' - they want YOU."

You are the best, the optimum, the ideal person to be getting your child through their difficulties & nurturing them into a more resilient, secure & happy future.
To do that - you also need nuturing.
Nobody escapes this shit all on their own - you need & deserve expert help to do so - please take it, for you own & your child's sake.

You cannot change the past but you can change the future by taking one step at a time. The thing about guilt is that it doesn't change or solve anything. It just makes you feel bad. Try to acknowledge your feelings of guilt and then put them to one side, replacing them with action and positive self speak - so say to yourself that you can and will move on from this.

Positive action:
Contact womens aid for support for you and your son, they won't judge you but can help
Build a safe and stable home for you and your son
Build your own self esteem and confidence in your own parenting
Take a parenting course
Work in partnership with school, accept their support, don't be defensive or hide the truth!
Build a good support group with family and friends

One last thing, please don't rush into a new relationship. Both you and your son need time to heal. Evidence also shows that if you have been in one relationship where there has been abuse you are more likely to enter into another one. It's a gift to be happy and secure by yourself.

You need to look to the future and do your utmost to ensure you’re doing your best now to give you and your child the best future you can and undo the damage to the best of your ability. This probably does mean accepting help but you can do it for the sake of your DC.
All the best to you

I have left DV with older children, though - yes they are affected still, have emotional problems that will probably persist through their life and yes I wish they hadn't had to go through that.
But I have found my peace with myself, I understand the reasons why victims find it so hard to leave and how broken down you become you are just focused on surviving each day with the only hope that nothing awful happens.
But, and this is really important, I had to go through counselling to understand this.
I think at this moment YOU are the person who needs some care and support. I expect for the past few years all your energy has gone on supporting your child. You cannot be the best parent you can, though, without addressing your own needs which include understandable but unreasonable feelings of guilt. ANY parent of a child with special needs will have some guilt, and need support to be strong for their child.

I had no bond with my mother, looking back, from the age of 9, was never close to her, was estranged for the last years of her life - because she exposed me to similar. I blame her for not protecting me as much as I blame my alcoholic father for the abuse. She was weak. I know she was incapable but it doesn't change my feelings that she should have done more to protect me.

All you can do now is never expose your child to this again. Work on their behaviour and feelings with psychologists in the future and hope that they can move on from this.

Rereading thread. Thank god there is a no contact order. It must have been really bad for that to be ordered . I'm so sorry you both went through that.

Should your child have has to see and/or be involved in a home life like that? No.

Has what your child seen/been involved with affected them long-term? Yes.

But you can't go back and change anything now. It's happened.
The only thing you can do is make sure it NEVER happens again and your child knows they will never be put in that situation again.
And make sure they receive as much professional help that you can get them.

Has your child actually been diagnosed with all those issues? Are you seeking proper support and facilitating all recommended treatment? If so, you’re doing your best for them and you can’t change the past.

Hi OP,

Where in the country are you? There are a lot of local charities that support women and children who have experienced Domestic Abuse. I found being in a group was really helpful. I found that hearing other women express the same fears and feelings as me helped me to be kinder to myself. It is terrifying to go at first, but so worth it.

I understand the feeling that it might be emotionally overwhelming to get support, but - be honest - isn't it a bit emotionally overwhelming now? Becoming free is often more than just getting out. There is a lot to undo in terms of thought processes and self esteem for many, many survivors.

What support does your child have at school? Are you in communication with them about supporting him. I think in terms of your feelings that he would be better others might be eased if you were confident in his professional support.

Perhaps you feel that people are minimising your experience or being tactless when they tell you to stop feeling guilty. But I imagine they just want the best for you, and for you to be free of the guilt as you are now free of the abuse. It doesn't lessen your experience if you learn how to walk forward in confidence.

I really hope that you find some specialist support that understands dometic abuse.

You can't change the past but you would be right to feel guilty if you won't seek support now in the present to prevent further harm to your child. You both deserve healing. Your child is limited as to what they can do and they need you to be proactive in this.

I keep thinking of things, sorry!
Change that fucking user name for a start...daddyscrewedusbothup?

OP, you are a victim. Your child is a victim. You are not to blame. You did not stay in the situation in a sound state of mind. DV is complicated. You are out of it now. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.

I think gottastopeatingchocolate has a warm and wise post, and it's worth re-reading.