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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do you do when your partner has upset you?

83 replies

Loveliveexplore · 09/01/2020 17:53

Posting here for traffic. Just wondering how you ladies act when your parter has upset you in someway, and what reaction have you found works to make him realise his wrong and change his behaviour? I'm not talking about big situations like cheating etc, just when your not too fond of his behaviour is some aspect?

Interested to hear replies.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2020 18:17

Basically you're giving him the silent treatment?

AlexaAmbidextra · 09/01/2020 18:18

So you’re sulking then?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 09/01/2020 18:19

Basically you're giving him the silent treatment?

I hate that. If I'd pissed someone off I'd much rather they just tell me so I can resolve it.

I hate this game playing attention seeking crap.

Echobelly · 09/01/2020 18:19

Generally I go off and sulk and stew.... when he's really in the wrong he will often admit it once he's calmed down and then I'll try to give him a calm explanation of how it upset me or why I don't like it.

He's been pretty good and stopping some things that upset me when I explained them... for example, he used to be really bad for not remembering social arrangements, or that I'd told him about them and getting angry at me for 'not telling him' (when I literally could tell him the exact context in which I had told him). I told him this was really unfair, made me stressed about telling him about arrangements and that I would always remind him. And since then he knows when I tell him I've told him, I have told him, so if he's annoyed, he keeps it to himself and accepts that it's his problem if he doesn't listen properly and take things in.

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2020 18:20

That's what it sounds like, she's in a huff, giving him the silent treatment and chuffed it's working,,,,🤷‍♀️

AllergicToAMop · 09/01/2020 18:20

Drama

What do you do when your partner has upset you?

Toothypegg · 09/01/2020 18:20

Scarsthelot You might have missed the rest of my post

Scarsthelot · 09/01/2020 18:22

@Toothypegg sorry I was attempting a joke. I forgot my

Walnutwhipster · 09/01/2020 18:23

He knows if he has upset me by just a look. An apology will quickly follow and we'll discuss it there and then, not let it fester. 25 years later and it still works for us.

Wotrewelookinat · 09/01/2020 18:23

Talk to him. Because we’re both adults

This.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 09/01/2020 18:24

if its something minor ill just tell him there and then.

If its something thats upsets me then ill tell him he's upset me, tell him why and then take myself away until ive calmed down enough to communicate that way I want too.

There is always communication. Anything else is a recipe for disaster in a serious, adult relationship.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 09/01/2020 18:25

@AllergicToAMop that made me lol!

TheMustressMhor · 09/01/2020 18:25

OP you sound upset.

Maybe you have a good reason for being upset. If your husband has upset you, you need to tell him, and explain how you're feeling.

I find that unless I explain things to my husband he doesn't understand what he's done wrong (in my eyes) and vice versa.

If we both then apologise we both then feel better.

The silent treatment is actually quite an aggressive way of not dealing with conflict.

WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey · 09/01/2020 18:27

To be honest if the little things upset me I don't think we'd still be together after three decades. He has his foibles, I have mine. We learned to live with them years ago.

cherryblossomgin · 09/01/2020 18:28

We talk it out, firstly I tell him how he made me feel and how I perceived the situation and then ask for how he felt and how he perceived it. I then also explain why something may be upsetting to me. I also let him know that I won't be dropping something unless he talks to me about it. Once we have talked it out it's done, we move on and leave it behind us. Our disagreements are mild and usually result in short convo.

NorthEndGal · 09/01/2020 18:28

We talk right away. I dont talk his head off about it, I dont need to , and that usually will make someone tune out anyhow.

I cant stand passive aggressive actions, so no "frosty quiets" in our house.

Scarsthelot · 09/01/2020 18:30

OP you do realise that eventually he will get used to the game you are playing and ignore that too.

Either you are being petty and controlling.

Or he isnt in the slightest bit bothered he upsets you usually. If so, doon enough he wont be bothered by how you are acting now. As he knows everything will be smoothed over eventually.

mrsmuddlepies · 09/01/2020 18:31

Silent Treatment. So beloved of women with sulking husbands

Original poster

Loveliveexplore · 09/01/2020 18:35

It's not that I'm enjoying this at all.. I'm generally feeling really down. It's a combination of things to be honest. Recently we've tried to discuss some issues I feel we have in our marriage and how upset I am and I feel he just plays it off as if I'm not serious or thinks I'm just in a bad mood and it will all blow over. This is incredibly frustrating and in one of our talks the other day he really upset me.. So I guess I've just go to the point of not wanting to talk at all until I'm ready to. Not because of a game but because I honestly don't see the point right now.. And perhaps when I'm ready to talk he will take that conversation with the seriousness it deserves. He knows I'm upset and the reason why so it's not the silent treatment and if he speaks to me I respond. But I just feel completely disconnected right now and very hurt with his carelessness. Perhaps I didn't word my post in the right way.

OP posts:

blubberball · 09/01/2020 18:37

You've got to keep talking. Both people need to communicate and some how meet some where in the middle.

If one person doesn't want to bother with that, and continues acting like a twat, end the relationship. Both people have to make the effort.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 09/01/2020 18:39

You both need to learn to communicate properly. You've tried to talk and he dismisses your feelings - you need to make that clear to him.

He needs to understand that you're not upset over nothing and your feelings are valid. If he can't respect that then he doesn't have much respect for you.

Original poster

Loveliveexplore · 09/01/2020 18:41

We both communicate and I like you all believe communication is key. But what has thrown me through a loop is since I've stopped communicating he seems to be acting on the things I discussed as issues in our marriage. Which then has made me question is less communication with a man better than more?

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 09/01/2020 18:43

Oh so he completely took on board everything you're saying but chooses to continue in his old ways until you stop allowing him to?

He's shit his pants because he didn't realise you were actually serious and now you've proved you are.

In that case, you need to address that. It'd be much easier for everyone if he just took on board how you felt when you spoke to him about it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2020 18:47

You’re in a grump, punishing him though he doesn’t know why, and this time he’s pandering. I wouldn’t take that as a sign that doing this in future will work. Better to be a responsible grown up and tell him what you’re unhappy about. He’s not psychic, give him a chance to explain what he said or apologise if necessary. You’re being childish and dramatic and no one likes a sulker.

Spacedust1 · 09/01/2020 18:48

I try and talk to him....but then he gets angry and sulky and tells me about things I have done wrong.....

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