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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be done with bil + his gf?

58 replies

Fairydust00999 · 09/01/2020 15:12

Would you have expected a good luck, or hope it goes well text the day of surgery from bil and his gf?
Ive had surgery yesterday, (my first general surgery), nothing from Either of them, considering his gf has had a few surgeries on her leg and we've always text her a nice message beforehand.

I didn't get my 30th acknowledged by them either which I was a bit upset about.
Even when they came to our house on DS first birthday a week after mine, saw the 30 balloons... Nothing!

Then between this OH had a hospital admission, and I got a barrage of abuse from bil blaming me for the admission and the flare up of my OHs long term Condition.
I blocked him from WhatsApp that night as I couldn't take anymore, and taken them off social media.

I've been with my OH for 7 years now, and I've always had this attitude on and off from bil (certain situations, I've been told off and spoken to quite poorly). It's almost like he doesn't think I'm good enough for his brother.

Aibu in telling my OH that I'm done with them...?
I don't want to come between them as brothers, but I can't have them in my life at the moment.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 09/01/2020 15:16

I never get anything from SILs for birthdays, I always found it a bit weird, as my Sis always sends DH something. But it's just their way, I now expect nothing and am never disappointed.

HappyintheHills · 09/01/2020 15:18

A best wishes text for an op?
Is that a thing now?
Ignoring your birthday is a bit off but now your free to ignore theirs.

SandyY2K · 09/01/2020 15:20

It really wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't expect it from BIL and GF tbh. I would expect it from my parents and siblings.

Why would you expect it after the barrage of abuse and you subsequently blocked him?

It's clear you don't have a good relationship with him.

Original poster
Fairydust00999 · 09/01/2020 15:21

Just think it's a nice thing to do, we've done it for bils gf when she has had surgery.
Takes 1 minute to text someone to say you're thinking of them.
Especially as it was my first ever operation, and I was really nervous!

OP posts:
Rachelfromfriends1 · 09/01/2020 15:21

I wouldn’t have expected anything as your relationship is strained. Doesn’t particularly sound like either of you like each other and just put up with each other due to the common link in your husband. I don’t think surgery best wishes are particularly common amongst people that aren’t close.

ItsNovemberNotChristmas · 09/01/2020 15:21

You're done because he didn't send you a text after surgery?

Grow up

AllergicToAMop · 09/01/2020 15:23

How should they text when you blocked him?

And no. I wouldn't expect pre op message. I think that's not a real problem here anyway. The whole relationship is

Ffsnosexallowed · 09/01/2020 15:23

No I wouldn't have expected a text from my bil or gf. Wouldn't expect them to know tbo

Rachelfromfriends1 · 09/01/2020 15:24

But why are you relying on “nice things”/emotional support from people that don’t like you? You blocked him and removed them both from socials so why would they text? You’re not friends are you, I wouldn’t expect them to notice or care that I was nervous.

SandyY2K · 09/01/2020 15:25

blaming me for the admission and the flare up of my OHs long term Condition

Perhaps your DH gave him some information to draw this conclusion. Or maybe he observed something that led him to believe this.

For example if the condition flares up with stress and he perceives you as a source of stress for his brother.

Did you tell your DH about the accusation? If so, did he attempt to talk to his brother and stand up for you?

It's very strange to blame someone for their spouse being admitted without any foundation to it.

Original poster
Fairydust00999 · 09/01/2020 15:26

Well if you read the whole post you'd see it's not just about the surgery message... Correct.
It's multiple things the past few years yes.

And he was unblocked the next day actually.
Just didn't want the crap to carry on overnight.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 09/01/2020 15:27

I doubt they counted your 30 balloons! I'd have assumed they were there for the child's birthday.
Why would you expect a brother-in-law even to know when it's your birthday? I chat politely to in-laws if I see them at family events but they are walk-on characters in my life and vice versa.

Bufferingkisses · 09/01/2020 15:27

But they probably weren't thinking of you? Why would they be? You're expecting other people to do what you do, they don't, they do what they do. Accept they are different to you and move on.

Original poster
Fairydust00999 · 09/01/2020 15:30

SandyY2K
Yes OH knew all about those texts, and has actually stood up for me once telling his brother its not acceptable to treat me that way.

Both his mum and brother turned up to the hospital drunk making a scene that night.
And to make it worse, mil drove there drunk at 10pm even though we told her at 5pm when she wasn't drunk. She made a choice to carry on drinking then get in the car....
and was so drunk she didn't know where she had left the car.

In the past OH never got Involved and told me to just ignore when his brother has been horrible to me.
Think that's what shocked him this time, I've stood up for myself and my OH has stood up about it too.

And no, I'm not a stress to my OH, I've done nothing but support him the past year while his health has been failing!

OP posts:
SageRosemary · 09/01/2020 15:32

I think you are giving them too much headspace. No need to be in contact on social media.

If he's rude to your face, call him on it, "pardon", let him repeat, then "I couldn't quite believe you meant to say that the first time, do you mean to be so rude/unkind/thoughtless?"

AllergicToAMop · 09/01/2020 15:36

Let's be honest in here. I don't give a fuck about people 2ho don't like me and I don't like them.
It's obviously same for your in-laws🤷 I don't understand why do you expect someone who doesn't like you and you don't like them actually give a fuck. Just ignore each other, that's it.

rm1234 · 09/01/2020 15:37

It just all seems a bit immature and tit for tat. There is far more important things in life to be fretting over.

Why would they text you the day of your surgery when you're not on great terms anyway.

Step back from the situation and get on with you life. Be polite to them if you're in their company and just let it goooo! You'll be a far happier person. Promise x

Rachelfromfriends1 · 09/01/2020 15:37

@SageRosemary so what do you say when the person replies “yes” to that question? Baring in mind they most likely intended to be rude/unkind/thoughtless so won’t be phased by being “called out”?

BloggersBlog · 09/01/2020 15:46

Maybe he Whatsapped you a message, but you wont get it as you have blocked him

museumum · 09/01/2020 15:50

I wouldn’t expect anything from my husbands brother no. Maybe for him to say to dh “tell Museumum good luck” but not direct contact no.
I do get a birthday present from them though, and “we” give birthday presents (though dh closes and buys not me).

Equanimitas · 09/01/2020 15:51

No, I wouldn't expect that, to be honest. I've never had anything from the in-laws when I've had any medical treatment, nor have I sent anything to them. Come to think of it, I haven't had anything like that from my own siblings, and it doesn't bother me at all.

Equanimitas · 09/01/2020 15:52

If he's horrible, the less you hear from him the better, I'd say.

Littlemeadow123 · 09/01/2020 15:53

@katy1213

I read it as balloons with the number 30 on, not thirty seperate balloons.

CakeandCustard28 · 09/01/2020 15:53

None of my in laws have ever wished me good luck for surgeries either. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Think your over reacting in that sense.
However I wouldn’t bother with them if that’s how he treats you when your DH is unwell.

HomeMadeMadness · 09/01/2020 15:54

My sil never sends me anything for my birthday (I don't for her either). Doubt we'd text each other if we were having an opp. I like her and we get on fine but we're just not that close.

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