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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be done with bil + his gf?

58 replies

Fairydust00999 · 09/01/2020 15:12

Would you have expected a good luck, or hope it goes well text the day of surgery from bil and his gf?
Ive had surgery yesterday, (my first general surgery), nothing from Either of them, considering his gf has had a few surgeries on her leg and we've always text her a nice message beforehand.

I didn't get my 30th acknowledged by them either which I was a bit upset about.
Even when they came to our house on DS first birthday a week after mine, saw the 30 balloons... Nothing!

Then between this OH had a hospital admission, and I got a barrage of abuse from bil blaming me for the admission and the flare up of my OHs long term Condition.
I blocked him from WhatsApp that night as I couldn't take anymore, and taken them off social media.

I've been with my OH for 7 years now, and I've always had this attitude on and off from bil (certain situations, I've been told off and spoken to quite poorly). It's almost like he doesn't think I'm good enough for his brother.

Aibu in telling my OH that I'm done with them...?
I don't want to come between them as brothers, but I can't have them in my life at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairydust00999 · 09/01/2020 15:56

Yes obviously balloons with a 30 on... Not 30 separate balloons 😂

OP posts:
saraclara · 09/01/2020 16:00

It wouldn't occur to me to expect a pre-op text from anyone, to be honest. It's not something I'd think to do for anyone other than my own daughters.

It seems that you just want something to add to the list of slights from someone you don't like.

BugMcBug · 09/01/2020 16:00

What a lots of drama. After 15 years I doubt the inlaws even know when my birthday is, I have a rough idea when a couple of theirs are but really a non issue.

I've had lots of ops for various things. I might mention that I had this or that done months later, but expecting a pre op message.

Jeez, it must be exhausting being you.

katy1213 · 09/01/2020 16:01

I suppose that's more likely Littlemeadow123! Surprised they lasted a week though!
Oh dear, we are all at a loose end this afternoon - Mumsnet is worse than day-time telly!

BIgBagofJelly · 09/01/2020 16:01

I would only expect a message if we happened to be very close, certainly not just because they were in laws. If you don't get on generally why are you expecting to be so involved as to follow your medical appointments and get in touch to wish you luck?

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/01/2020 16:08

It’s clear you have a very difficult relationship with your BIL that’s never really going to be much better
So why are you giving him the power to make you miserable . He will never behave as he should , so stop yourself caring. Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed
Be civil but not involved.
Concentrate on the people who matter and just let your husband manage his own relationships with the family

champagneandfromage50 · 09/01/2020 16:08

I wouldnt expect my BIL to know i was going into hospital. Whats the GF got to do with it? Anyway sounds like the main issue is that your BIL is horrible to you and given he feels able to send nasty texts suggesting your the cause of his big brothers hospital admission I would suggest you go NC. Not sure why you thought this man would send you a good luck text given your past history. Let your DH deal with him

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/01/2020 16:09

Would you have expected a good luck, or hope it goes well text the day of surgery from bil and his gf?

No.
Especially not if there was a history between us and we weren't exactly friends.

I don't send my inlaws anything. I'm not friends with them. I am very good friends with my brother-in-law's ex wife though and we are in very regular contact. But apparently that's wrong because, as I married to his brother my loyalty should lie only with BIL, even though in all the years we were together me and BIL never 'hung out' whereas me and his wife regularly met up.

Drum2018 · 09/01/2020 16:13

YABU to expect well wishes for your surgery and to expect recognition of a birthday. But apart from that your bil sounds a bit shit so I'd just steer clear of him.

Josette77 · 09/01/2020 16:18

I would not expect a good luck or a happy birthday. Sometimes one of my sister in laws wishes me a happy birthday on Facebook and vice versa. We all get along great but this isn't an issue for me if they forget. In fact I think they did forget my 40th. I've had multiple surgeries and never heard from anyone beyond my mil and fit and my mum which was lovely. Best friends checked in too, but I would never expect my bils and their wives too. That's very precious especially given you have said you don' even like them!

hazell42 · 09/01/2020 16:20

Honestly it would never occur to me that my bil should text me in that situation

And if he did I would think it was weird

Chottie · 09/01/2020 16:22

In your place I would be concentrating on my health and OH's health. I would not be investing so much time on someone who obviously is not overly concerned with others. Let OH deal with his family.

ILoveWelshCakes123 · 09/01/2020 16:23

My twin brother didn't contact me at all after I had a hysterectomy. I was in hospital for 7 days, I was very poorly and he only lives in the street next to me!

I agree it's a nice thing to do to just say 'hope all goes well' or 'thinking of you'.

I hope you're on the mend Flowers

Batqueen · 09/01/2020 16:25

It’s a nice thing to do but I wouldn’t expect it.

If you want to go low contact for the other reasons that’s entirely different but this is not a justification to do so.

ohprettybaby · 09/01/2020 16:33

Given your relationship with your BIL then, no, I wouldn't have expected a 'good luck' text.

I get on really well with my BIL but still wouldn't expect a text for a surgery. Maybe a call from my DM and a text from my sis but not BIL.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/01/2020 16:36

I agree it's a nice thing to do to just say 'hope all goes well' or 'thinking of you'.

Maybe from your twin who lives close by, not from your BIL who you don't like and who you previously had a falling out with and blocked.

SageRosemary · 09/01/2020 16:38

@Rachelfromfriends1 I would be highly surprised if BIL admitted to being intentionally unkind but I would regard it as a small victory, at least you would know for certain where you stand and act decisively accordingly. It would be a sin of commission rather than a sin of omission which may just be thoughtlessness - and reading too much into not wishing the OP a Happy Birthday or best wishes for her surgery. We're all dragged up differently, different families have different etiquette for birthdays etc. What might be goodnatured but unmerciful teasing within one family would be viewed as unacceptable loutish, bullyboy behaviour in another.

@Fairydust00999 Re your post at 15:30, this family sounds like very hard work. I'd be keeping contact to an absolute minimum. Have a discussion with your DH about his wishes in the event of another hospital admission, does he want you to let his family know or keep it private? Drunken behaviour is not acceptable anywhere, least of all in a hospital situation, it is unfair to staff, patients and family.

Sorry to hear your DH health is failing. I wish you both well.

SandyY2K · 09/01/2020 16:47

Do you have this expectation of all your family members? Parents? Siblings? Cousins?

Did you tell them you were having surgery or did your DH? Because unless I was having very major surgery, I really wouldn't expect DH to tell his siblings at all. In fact, I'd be annoyed he was telling them about my health if it was a non major op.

My FIL is the only one who consistently messages and sends me a birthday card out of my inlaws. Once it twice he has reminded others too, but I'm not fussed.

As long as DH, my parents, siblings and my DC remember my birthday, that's good enough for me.

Your OH has said to ignore BIL... that's a good idea, but I would prefer it if my OH told his brother to stop it or stay away.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 09/01/2020 16:57

I had a multitude of good wishes just before my mastectomy from just about everyone I know, so I don't think it's unusual.

The message about your DH was downright nasty and just for that I'd cut them out of my life. If your DH wants to see them, then he can go ahead on his own.

rwalker · 09/01/2020 17:00

You don't like them and I'd say they don't like you why would they message you as you are clearly not close.

NicLondon1 · 09/01/2020 17:04

Would not have any expectations from my in-laws at all. Own siblings yes, but not at all from in-laws (even to remember a birthday).

Tombliwho · 09/01/2020 17:05

You don't like each other. Why would you expect a text

NailsNeedDoing · 09/01/2020 17:06

Why would you expect a good luck message from people you clearly don’t like and don’t get on with?

Distance yourself if you want to, but telling your husband you’re never going to see them again is hardly going to help if his health isn’t good. Even if his health was fine, telling him that wouldn’t actually achieve anything except unnecessary drama.

LasthingIlldo · 09/01/2020 17:08

You're expecting too much from people who don't give a damn.
It's unfortunate but they are unlikely to become the people you wish they could be.

Branleuse · 09/01/2020 17:13

I think you're reading way too much into it. Thats your boyfriends brother and his girlfriend yeah? Why on earth would they be interested in your hospital appts?

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