... to think my sister is a CF?

[motherofadog]

Warning: this is long and also about my mother. Continue at your own risk.

Basically, we never got on. She was an anxious, controlling perfectionist and I never quite came up to scratch. She used to tell me she loved me but she didn't like me, she preferred the animals, and once she told me I wasn't the daughter she'd wanted. She wasn't always like that, but enough to leave a mark.
We established an uneasy truce after I left home but I saw her as little as possible; our relationship improved when I had my kids in my late 30s and early 40s but we were never close. However I was close to my younger sister, and we spent a lot of time together. She had a better relationship with our mum, and 20 years ago when our kids were small, she and her family moved 500 miles away to her partner's home town and Mum went with them. For the first 10 years Mum was active and fairly independent, although she didn't drive and needed help with moving house and with her finances. She gave my sister and bil a lot of free childcare in return.

Mum used to come and stay with us; we had some lovely Christmases and summer holidays together and from my perspective our relationship improved. I still found it very difficult to stay with her (she has her own house) when we visited them, but when she stayed with us, it was ok. My sister has never visited me once since they moved, although they stay with her bil's family, about 100 miles from us, regularly. It's always been up to me, the skint single parent, to make the journey, because it's too difficult for her with two kids, a partner, and money to spare. I've always suspected that her partner doesn't like me, although we get on well superficially.

Moving on... Mum's had dementia for a while, her health crashed about 3 months ago, and she's been in hospital ever since. I went to visit a couple of months ago and it was clear that my sister is run ragged dealing with her, teenagers and working full time. And her partner has recently developed a potentially serious health problem. Mum was very happy to see me and came closer than she's ever done to apologising for (or even acknowledging) her part in our difficult relationship. It meant so much to me that I wrote down everything she said so that I wouldn't forget it.

I'd mentioned to my sister that I could move into Mum's house and be her full time carer. It seemed like a plan to me; my sister was overwhelmed, Mum would be happier at home, I'm a waspi, working for minimum wage to pay the rent, my kids have left home, and there's nothing to keep me here except my friends, who will still be here when I come back. It would bring the family back together, and give me a way of contributing and being part of it. And it would give us a chance of getting a little bit of money out of Mum's house, even if she had to go into residential care in the end. That would make life much less of a struggle for me, and although my sister doesn't need it, she deserves it. Spending time with Mum convinced me that I could do it, and I asked my sister to think about it seriously. She wasn't convinced; distinctly underwhelmed, despite the overwhelm.

So, radio silence apart from a few texts about Mum and presents, until a couple of days before Christmas when an envelope arrives from my sister. Expecting something nice, I open it to find a printed letter telling me that Mum has been assessed and needs residential care. Fair enough.

And then she tells me that Mum took independent financial advice some years ago (land registry says 5) and gave the house to her. She'd insisted that I wasn't to be told until she died. And my sister had gone along with it until it got too uncomfortable and she had to tell me.

She signed the letter with a kiss. She never does that.

I told her I could see why she hadn't told me face to face. And I said I was sad, not because of the money which was a lie, but because of the deception. She texted back: No deception. I was just carrying out Mum's wishes.

Since then, I've had a couple of texts (with kisses) and sent one back (without) about presents. I don't know what to say. I feel so let down. I feel like I've been set up. Like Mum conned me into forgiving her by lying to me. She was always so proud of treating us both equally; I should have realised it's no more true now than it was then. I'm pretty sure she wasn't capable of thinking it up and doing it all by herself; she's not usually so proactive; she used to leave all that to my dad, and now my bil. I'm remembering all the weird things my sister has said, which turn out to be actual lies. I want to tell her what deception is, because she obviously doesn't understand. I want to write her a letter, but I've no idea what to say or what I want the result to be. Mostly I just wish it had never happened, because it feels horrible. I feel like I've lost my sister.

AIBU? WWYD? WTF do I do next?

To be fair to my sister, Mum has form. When my kids were small she used to buy them shoes sometimes, and ask me not to tell my sister, because she would think it was unfair. Mum always made such a big deal out of treating us both the same. To my shame, I went along with it to keep the peace, because that's what we do in my family, even though I'd rather have told her, and explained that it was genuinely difficult for me to afford to buy decent shoes.

So I do understand how difficult it was for my sister. Doesn't stop me feeling hurt and let down though. I'd like to think that if our roles were reversed I'd have refused to go along with it and insisted that she gave the house to both of us.

@maddy68 she hasn't got any money or other assets. She's left me a few things from the house, and half the proceeds of selling a couple of other things, which will be a few hundred quid.

It's not my sister's fault that Mum chose to give the house to her only. And it's not my fault that I was unable to contribute because they moved so far away.

I feel for you OP. I think any parent should think very long and hard before they treat their children differently financially and especially with wills etc. Its my belief that unless your child is a serial killer or similar then you should split your assets equally between them, or know that you are responsible for much hurt and likely a big fallout and no contact between siblings.

I would try telling the council about the transfer of the home. They will need and want to use the funds from it to pay for your mothers care. Then I would write a letter to your sister explaining how hurt you are and that you want no further contact.

Just my opinion, plenty of other valid options of course!

Your Mum seems to have done this based on financial advise but it would have made more sense to gift to all children. Perhaps she was concerned that she could be evicted and trusted your Sister only not to do this.

Saga article on "gifting" your home. Covers tax and deprivation of assets. Bottom line is that it is unlikely to be a valid "gift" for either if the mother has continued to live in it and has not been paying a market rent to her DD, which the DD has declared for income tax purposes.

www.saga.co.uk/magazine/money/personal-finance/giving/what-you-need-to-know-about-signing-property-over-to-your-children

Given the risks and intricacies in signing over your home to your DC I am surprised so many are posting as if it is entirely normal and sensible.

If your sister was gifted the house and your mother lived there without paying market rent, that is classed as a gift with reservation, I think that's the term. Also, if your sister doesn't live in the house as her main residence, there will be capital gains tax to pay when it's sold.
Have a look on MSE forums, there are a lot of very knowledgeable people there who can give you a lot of information about this situation. A lot of people do exactly the same, and it is something the councils and HMRC are very aware of. If she charged your mum rent, it needs to be declared for tax purposes, so that's another thing they need to be aware of. If she charged her rent, your sister becomes a landlord, with all the rules and regulations that entails. Generally speaking, doing what your mum and sister is a really bad idea without professional advice.
As to the timescale, 7 years relates to inheritance tax. Deprivation of assets is an entirely different matter and, due to the pressure on council funding, councils will investigate historic property transfers, 5 years is nothing.
Been there, done that with a family member but in their case they did it by the book so all is ok but it certainly is something you can't just do without knowing the ins and outs.
On a similar vein, I've been the one unfairly treated in a will and it's shit. The secrecy surrounding it is horrible, you feel like you're not good enough and you constantly question why you were treated like that, what you had done to be thought so little of, and it ruins all good thoughts you had of your parents. I do feel for you.

I could have been your sister apart from the inheritance.

What it taught me is that no good deed goes unpunished.

I did the caring, practical stuff, emptying house etc. and I was floored by it. But guess, what my sister was very much present when the inheritance was handed out.

that's a gift with reservation of benefit and will not be protected from funding a care home so any supposed financial advice she took was bogus. she would have had to surrendered all benefit from her home ie not lived there or received any income from it.

i don’t think your sister has done anything wrong. You and your mum have had a bad/strained relationship Which has nothing to do with her. Your mum decided to leave the house to your sister (not her choice) and asked her not to tell you. Your sister has been put into a difficult position and I imagine will be feeling very emotional with your mum’s declining health. I think your anger needs to be directed towards your mum and not your sister

If inheritance is purely a payment for services rendered (it isn't), shouldn't the ten years of free childcare Mum gave my sister be taken into account?

No, inheritance is not a payment for services rendered - neither is it an entitlement.
In this case it's not even inheritance as your Mother is still alive - and should be using her assets to pay for the care she now needs, rather than dodging the system.
No wonder she's created two such money grabbing offspring.

I hope the council investigates what has been going on and uses her assets to pay for her care.

@Fr0g crikey. If your takeaway from my op and the whole thread is that I'm money grabbing, I'm sorry for you. The comment you quote was in response to someone telling me my sister was owed the house for services rendered. I was pointing out that it wasn't all one way.

Thanks @Undercoverworker06. That's exactly how I feel.

I'd be tempted to go no contact as some pps have said. They've behaved terribly

It seems perfectly obvious that the government should be able to take back a house before they spend hundreds of thousands on medical care. I understand why you are upset at your sister. But it also seems pretty clear that your offer to help your mother is mercenary as well.

Most people will leave their assets equally to their children, no matter who has done the most in terms of care. As your mother was so unpleasant to you when you were young it seems as though she has not changed. I would be inclined to go LC or even NC with the pair of them after such shameful behaviour. I don't have siblings, but if I did and one of my parents told me they were doing what your mother has I would be telling them exactly what I thought! I can't believe your sister has just gone along with it, so yes she is a CF.

I don't think your DSIS is a cf at all. She's been the primary carer for your DM. She's lived beside her for years.

Yes, because DM moved along with DSIS. How is the OP supposed to care for someone who lives 500 miles away???? Inheritance is supposed to be a sharing of one's wealth with one's loved ones - not a payment for services rendered! Lots of people live away from their parents, leaving one child to do the required caring, but I've never heard of a parent leaving their major asset to that one child unless that child perhaps had no home of their own and lived with the parent.

Money always brings out the worst in people.
Seems to me you have nothing to lose by asking your sister to do the decent thing and share the proceeds of the house equally. She probably won't but she can't then pretend to herself that you were ok with it.

I do feel bad for you OP in terms of the lost relationship and lost time with your mum over the years.

I also feel bad for your sister. She is in an awkward situation made by your mum.

I am your sister in this situation sort of. My brother and sister have moved away with their respective spouses. I live less than 50 yards away from my parents. They own my house and i pay them rent. They provide childcare for me to work. In return I cook for them and do any paperwork they need. When my father lost his job, I was the one appealing it and helping him find a new one, taking him round agencies and job fairs etc. When my mother has had various medical issues (none affecting her mind) in the last few years I am the one who takes her to the doctor or goes back and for the hospital. I also help care for my nan who is in the early stages of dementia.

My siblings visit less than once a month except for when they need my parents for childcare (usually they still expect her to drive to them, about 20 miles in either direction). They are entirely unaware of any health/legal/financial problems. My nan was very ill over Christmas and as she is in her late 80s and they had to be coerced into visiting her.

During anger my mother has said that they will be removed from her will, not because they don't help but because they don't care. I have said to her at the time that if she does that, I will just share it with them anyway. However I have never said it to them as I don't know if she has done so and I intend to circumvent her wishes anyway.

My point is your mother made that decision for her own reasons and your sister has told you before you change your life so that you can make an clear decision about your mum.

Sister has done nothing wrong, Mum may have done nothing wrong (in her own eyes) - the situation at the time may have led her to think she was doing the best thing. Hopefully you can accept that your mum is who she is and that may be someone different to who she is with dementia

@Soconfusedandlost I'm sorry your siblings are so neglectful. Families can be awful. Very sad for your mum, and very selfish of them to limit your opportunities by leaving you to do everything for your parents and nan, when they could easily help.

Unfortunately there was nothing I could do about my mum being so far away.

I didn't get a chance to change my life, sadly. There's no decision for me to make. I was simply told that she's going into a care home. She didn't have dementia when she gave my sister the house, and it was completely in character, so I'm not that surprised. I'm just sad that she couldn't stop punishing me even though she's always been so vocal about treating us both exactly the same. And that my sister went along with it; I did expect better from her. There was always a good chance that the house would have to be sold at some point to pay for Mum's care; I thought I could at least save some of the money, for my sister as well as myself, but that's not what really hurts. It's the deception that gets to me.

Naively, I really thought that by caring for my mum, I could repair our relationship before she dies. She's a much nicer person and she's forgotten that she doesn't like me since she got dementia. I even started to feel some love for her, which was surprising and rather lovely; I haven't been able to do that since I was a child. So finding out about the deception immediately after her almost-apology for the way she's treated me felt like a double betrayal and destroyed the sense of relief and peace of mind I'd only just found, if that makes sense. I felt like I'd been conned. It's all childhood baggage, I guess.

@motherofadog im going to be straight here.You under estimate how much caring for a relative takes.

My mam was a carer for her brother and dad.Her ds and db thought they should get a share of the house as well.They did nothing to help her.It impacted her life and my life massively.

So your ds deserves that house.Childcare doesnt come in to it.

@Dustarr73 she wasn't a carer, as I said before. She did a lot for her, but she didn't live in the same house and she did no personal care. She lives in her own home, with her partner and kids, and has a career and a normal life. And, as I said before, I wasn't able to do anything until recently because they live 500 miles away. As I said before, although I could do with some money and my sister deserves some, it's not really about the money anyway. It's about the deception.

I know exactly what caring for a relative is like. Mum cared for three, one after another, in our home, for most of my childhood. I helped, and took over for a few weeks when I was 13 and Mum went into hospital and then to a convalescent home. I thought Mum deserved to be looked after in her own home after that, and I thought I might finally be able to help.

But I don't know why I'm bothering really. You can think what you like.

Sounds to me like your sister and her husband have deliberately manipulated your mum into signing over the house - they would have known her mental health was deteriorating.

They used your mum for free childcare and whatnot and as soon as she started falling seriously ill they fleeced her out of her assets - and your fair share.
Your sister wouldn't be the first person to behave like this.

@monkeymonkey2010 I wouldn't put it past my bil, to be honest. I don't think it would have occurred to Mum if someone hadn't suggested it. I don't think it was my sister's idea, but she went along with it, for sure.