Warning: this is long and also about my mother. Continue at your own risk.
Basically, we never got on. She was an anxious, controlling perfectionist and I never quite came up to scratch. She used to tell me she loved me but she didn't like me, she preferred the animals, and once she told me I wasn't the daughter she'd wanted. She wasn't always like that, but enough to leave a mark.
We established an uneasy truce after I left home but I saw her as little as possible; our relationship improved when I had my kids in my late 30s and early 40s but we were never close. However I was close to my younger sister, and we spent a lot of time together. She had a better relationship with our mum, and 20 years ago when our kids were small, she and her family moved 500 miles away to her partner's home town and Mum went with them. For the first 10 years Mum was active and fairly independent, although she didn't drive and needed help with moving house and with her finances. She gave my sister and bil a lot of free childcare in return.
Mum used to come and stay with us; we had some lovely Christmases and summer holidays together and from my perspective our relationship improved. I still found it very difficult to stay with her (she has her own house) when we visited them, but when she stayed with us, it was ok. My sister has never visited me once since they moved, although they stay with her bil's family, about 100 miles from us, regularly. It's always been up to me, the skint single parent, to make the journey, because it's too difficult for her with two kids, a partner, and money to spare. I've always suspected that her partner doesn't like me, although we get on well superficially.
Moving on... Mum's had dementia for a while, her health crashed about 3 months ago, and she's been in hospital ever since. I went to visit a couple of months ago and it was clear that my sister is run ragged dealing with her, teenagers and working full time. And her partner has recently developed a potentially serious health problem. Mum was very happy to see me and came closer than she's ever done to apologising for (or even acknowledging) her part in our difficult relationship. It meant so much to me that I wrote down everything she said so that I wouldn't forget it.
I'd mentioned to my sister that I could move into Mum's house and be her full time carer. It seemed like a plan to me; my sister was overwhelmed, Mum would be happier at home, I'm a waspi, working for minimum wage to pay the rent, my kids have left home, and there's nothing to keep me here except my friends, who will still be here when I come back. It would bring the family back together, and give me a way of contributing and being part of it. And it would give us a chance of getting a little bit of money out of Mum's house, even if she had to go into residential care in the end. That would make life much less of a struggle for me, and although my sister doesn't need it, she deserves it. Spending time with Mum convinced me that I could do it, and I asked my sister to think about it seriously. She wasn't convinced; distinctly underwhelmed, despite the overwhelm.
So, radio silence apart from a few texts about Mum and presents, until a couple of days before Christmas when an envelope arrives from my sister. Expecting something nice, I open it to find a printed letter telling me that Mum has been assessed and needs residential care. Fair enough.
And then she tells me that Mum took independent financial advice some years ago (land registry says 5) and gave the house to her. She'd insisted that I wasn't to be told until she died. And my sister had gone along with it until it got too uncomfortable and she had to tell me.
She signed the letter with a kiss. She never does that.
I told her I could see why she hadn't told me face to face. And I said I was sad, not because of the money which was a lie, but because of the deception. She texted back: No deception. I was just carrying out Mum's wishes.
Since then, I've had a couple of texts (with kisses) and sent one back (without) about presents. I don't know what to say. I feel so let down. I feel like I've been set up. Like Mum conned me into forgiving her by lying to me. She was always so proud of treating us both equally; I should have realised it's no more true now than it was then. I'm pretty sure she wasn't capable of thinking it up and doing it all by herself; she's not usually so proactive; she used to leave all that to my dad, and now my bil. I'm remembering all the weird things my sister has said, which turn out to be actual lies. I want to tell her what deception is, because she obviously doesn't understand. I want to write her a letter, but I've no idea what to say or what I want the result to be. Mostly I just wish it had never happened, because it feels horrible. I feel like I've lost my sister.
AIBU? WWYD? WTF do I do next?