... to think my sister is a CF?

[motherofadog]

Warning: this is long and also about my mother. Continue at your own risk.

Basically, we never got on. She was an anxious, controlling perfectionist and I never quite came up to scratch. She used to tell me she loved me but she didn't like me, she preferred the animals, and once she told me I wasn't the daughter she'd wanted. She wasn't always like that, but enough to leave a mark.
We established an uneasy truce after I left home but I saw her as little as possible; our relationship improved when I had my kids in my late 30s and early 40s but we were never close. However I was close to my younger sister, and we spent a lot of time together. She had a better relationship with our mum, and 20 years ago when our kids were small, she and her family moved 500 miles away to her partner's home town and Mum went with them. For the first 10 years Mum was active and fairly independent, although she didn't drive and needed help with moving house and with her finances. She gave my sister and bil a lot of free childcare in return.

Mum used to come and stay with us; we had some lovely Christmases and summer holidays together and from my perspective our relationship improved. I still found it very difficult to stay with her (she has her own house) when we visited them, but when she stayed with us, it was ok. My sister has never visited me once since they moved, although they stay with her bil's family, about 100 miles from us, regularly. It's always been up to me, the skint single parent, to make the journey, because it's too difficult for her with two kids, a partner, and money to spare. I've always suspected that her partner doesn't like me, although we get on well superficially.

Moving on... Mum's had dementia for a while, her health crashed about 3 months ago, and she's been in hospital ever since. I went to visit a couple of months ago and it was clear that my sister is run ragged dealing with her, teenagers and working full time. And her partner has recently developed a potentially serious health problem. Mum was very happy to see me and came closer than she's ever done to apologising for (or even acknowledging) her part in our difficult relationship. It meant so much to me that I wrote down everything she said so that I wouldn't forget it.

I'd mentioned to my sister that I could move into Mum's house and be her full time carer. It seemed like a plan to me; my sister was overwhelmed, Mum would be happier at home, I'm a waspi, working for minimum wage to pay the rent, my kids have left home, and there's nothing to keep me here except my friends, who will still be here when I come back. It would bring the family back together, and give me a way of contributing and being part of it. And it would give us a chance of getting a little bit of money out of Mum's house, even if she had to go into residential care in the end. That would make life much less of a struggle for me, and although my sister doesn't need it, she deserves it. Spending time with Mum convinced me that I could do it, and I asked my sister to think about it seriously. She wasn't convinced; distinctly underwhelmed, despite the overwhelm.

So, radio silence apart from a few texts about Mum and presents, until a couple of days before Christmas when an envelope arrives from my sister. Expecting something nice, I open it to find a printed letter telling me that Mum has been assessed and needs residential care. Fair enough.

And then she tells me that Mum took independent financial advice some years ago (land registry says 5) and gave the house to her. She'd insisted that I wasn't to be told until she died. And my sister had gone along with it until it got too uncomfortable and she had to tell me.

She signed the letter with a kiss. She never does that.

I told her I could see why she hadn't told me face to face. And I said I was sad, not because of the money which was a lie, but because of the deception. She texted back: No deception. I was just carrying out Mum's wishes.

Since then, I've had a couple of texts (with kisses) and sent one back (without) about presents. I don't know what to say. I feel so let down. I feel like I've been set up. Like Mum conned me into forgiving her by lying to me. She was always so proud of treating us both equally; I should have realised it's no more true now than it was then. I'm pretty sure she wasn't capable of thinking it up and doing it all by herself; she's not usually so proactive; she used to leave all that to my dad, and now my bil. I'm remembering all the weird things my sister has said, which turn out to be actual lies. I want to tell her what deception is, because she obviously doesn't understand. I want to write her a letter, but I've no idea what to say or what I want the result to be. Mostly I just wish it had never happened, because it feels horrible. I feel like I've lost my sister.

AIBU? WWYD? WTF do I do next?

I agree with @slashlover
Your sister has been managing this for a long time and I think it was disingenuous of you to come in to 'save the day' with your plan. I think if you're honest you know your true intentions.

Is there a chance that your sister coerced your DM into signing over the house?

They can go back years - it varies from council to council. Five years isn’t long enough ago, to not count as deprivation of assets. Councils go through financial records with an extremely fine tooth comb.
It’s really quite likely that the house will have to be sold to provide funds for care. You are only allowed to retain funds of around £14k. The exact figure can be found easily in the government’s website. Either that or whomever is responsible for your mothers finances, will be expected to fund the fees by whatever means they can - loan/own monies etc. Deprivation of assets to avoid care home fees is not as easy as some seem to think. (Rightly or wrongly).

I don't think your DSIS is a cf at all. She's been the primary carer for your DM. She's lived beside her for years.

I think you were very cheeky to suddenly suggest you'd move in with your mum and care for her in the hope of getting some money out of the house. You may have thought you were offering some grand family reunion. To your DSIS, it probably looked as though you let her deal with your DM for years and then when there was the chance of an inheritance you suddenly developed a pressing need to become involved and move into your DM's house.

www.which.co.uk/later-life-care/financing-care/gifting-assets-and-property/gifting-assets-what-are-the-rules-alp865l0wlum

I'm really sorry to read this. I have also had a 'challenging' (to say the least) relationship with my DM over the years but I know that her money is left equally between her children, even though one is no longer in contact with her.

Can you remember what your relationship was like with your DM five years ago when the title deeds of the house were transferred into your sister's name? Was there a difficult phase between you at that point that would have led her to do this? Is your sister financially-oriented?
I wonder if your DM has gradually been losing her mental faculties such that she isn't in a position to have thought to change her mind about it (if your sis would let her).

I would probably have to tell my sis how hurt I am given the recent 'apology/acknowledgement' by your DM. I'm just not sure you can change things financially although I hope that by talking to your sis about it, she may feel that, irrespective of your mum's wishes, she may wish to split the value of the estate with you anyway.

I'm glad you've had the 'apology/acknowledgement' as at least you know your DM did change her mind about things and does both love and like you. That is worth way more than money.

With regard to deprivation of assets, when your council is deciding whether getting rid of property and money has been a deliberate deprivation of assets, they will consider two things:

1. You must have known at the time you got rid of your property or money that you needed or may need care and support
2. Avoiding paying for care must have been a significant reason for giving away your home or reducing your savings.

I think they would probably have decided that 5 years ago she didn't know she may need care or support. Presumably if she's been assessed they will have already determined what she must pay and whether she has deprived herself of capital.

I would be inclined to write to my sister and put my heartfelt feelings into words. What can you lose by that? You may gain some understanding and maybe more. Or you could send what you've written in this thread to her and expand things from there.

I'm so sorry op. You must be feeling really hurt. Your mum was emotionally abusive. You have every right to go NC with both of them.

You misjudged the care thing and possibly upset your sister by effectively implying you’d cope better than her - your mum needs residential care so nobody could’ve coped, but equally yanbu about the house money, it doesn’t make much sense unless your dm has other assets for you?

i wonder if your sister and mum knew about the 7 year thing and did this as a preventative. I cant remember how long ago it was changed for the newer 'go back as far as we want' from the councils, but a great many people believe that 7 years and you are off the hook counts. I believe that this may be something to do with inheritance tax, but its not the same for care home fees.

So it may be that it was done for this reason, but now she needs a residential home it will become irrelevent.

What was the reason for wanting to move in then-to stop the house being sold?

But obviously the time to move in is well gone & specialist care is needed.

At least with a house to sell there should be a good choice of places for your mum.

Sorry - are you mad at your sister (for either deliberately conning your mum or colluding to get the whole house) or with your mum for leaving you out of your inheritance.

The 7 year thing comes from inheritance tax and potentially exempt transfers. The giver needs to survive a gift for 7 years before it falls out of the estate for IHT purposes. Otherwise it can be taxed.

Last time I looked councils could go back as long as they liked (within reason) if a house was transferred specifically to avoid care home fees. 7 years is nothing to do with this.

Your mum was emotionally abusive.

Whenever I read something like this on here I think it's prudent to remember that we have one version of events (obviously). It's quite a statement to make when you don't know the full story.

I don't think your sis has been a cf, as she would have been financially better off having you move in to your dm's house and provide care until residential really was the only safe option for your dm. This could have saved thousands in residential care costs that will have to be paid through forced sale of the house.

Leaving the house to just your dsis was a crap move form your mum. Many many threads in here will confirm that the inky way to deal with inheritance is to split everything fairly/evenly between people.

Playing devils advocate there, the ‘transfer’ was done 5 years ago so it might be that what your mum said was exactely what she meant then because she changed her ways/how she sees things in the last 5 years. So maybe dint just write off everything she said to you at that time.

Now I suspect your dsis IS a CF. She knew what she had done and agreed to. The ‘that was Mum’s wishes’ is easy when the person has dementia and is unlikely to contradict you. The transfer was done on purpose and she certainly didn’t have to accept it.
And yes she DID help and support your mum. I’m not sure this warrant a ‘payment’ and/or such favouritism. Whether this was entirely led by your dsis (and her DH??) or whether your mum actively wanted that will be very hard to establish.
Your dsis is also clearly very keen to save your relationship. Lots of xx. Is it just for show? I suspect the future will tell you.

@CrustyMorticia, I might well be that the dsis thinks the house is safe because it belongs to her and not the dm.
In reality, because the gift is less than 7 years, it actually is still part of the assets. But who will double check that?

Not sure about the deprivation of assets thing - a friend purchased his Mother's house, then charged her rent, I think this took place a few years ago.
I've stayed out of it and generally change the subject if it comes up - he said it was because the house needed doing up and that provided funding for it.
Council have accepted this now that she is in permanent residential care; its fully funded
I suspect WW3 when the siblings find out - although in all fairness, he and his wife have done the lion's share of care, and still visit daily.

When was your mother first diagnosed with dementia? I suspect around the same time all this happened?
One of the first things you get recommended to do in that situation is get your financial affairs set up for your future (Power of Attorney etc) whilst you are still mentally competent enough to do so as trying to get it done after the illness progresses is very costly and time-consuming. I'm certainly not saying that I agree with what she has done, I'm just offering a possible glimpse into the reasons why this has happened.
Incidently, does your sister also have Power of Attorney?

She used to tell me she loved me but she didn't like me, she preferred the animals, and once she told me I wasn't the daughter she'd wanted.

I've had all of this from my mother, and what really hurts is that some tiny part of me still hopes that one day she will like me. I haven't spoken to her in about 7 months now and I hope to never see her again, but somewhere inside me is a little girl who will do anything to make her mother love her.

I think that your mother did this in the full knowledge of what it meant. I understand the feeling of being left out, or being excluded and rejected, but your mother did this in purpose. Your sister was a cow to have kept the secret (I don't especially like my sister but I would have warned her) but your mother, probably in her right, pre-dementia mind, made this decision. (And as I understand it, it is possible for a person in the early stages of dementia to still have capacity).

I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I am going to suggest that you tell your sister how hurt you are by being treated this way, and then do absolutely nothing for a good while. This is going to take time and space to work through and rushing into anything will only make things worse.

Sorry OP, but I think @slashlover has it right here.

It’s clear there’s a lot of pain wrapped up in your relationship with your mother, and you genuinely feel you were making reparations and healing some of that damage.

But the whole thing with the money and the house muddies the waters - it honestly doesn’t sound like you’re truly motivated by ’bringing the family back together’. I sympathise with the fact that you feel unwillingly cast as the black sheep by your DM and subsequently screwed out of your rightful inheritance, with your sister the favourite all along - but that’s not fair on your sister, who’s clearly done the hard yards in terms of your mother’s care during a decade when you were in relatively low contact with her.

It’s your DM who’s at fault here, so YABU to blame this on your sister. In terms of what next, I’d try to have a constructive conversation with your sister; she’s clearly got her own perspective on the whole situation. Sorry you’re feeling so hurt.

I’m so sorry, that’s awful. As a mother of 4 I just don’t understand how any mother could do that (and one of mine is a bit of a nightmare!) but I would never, ever ever do that.

@AlaskaElfForGin
Your mum was emotionally abusive.

"Whenever I read something like this on here I think it's prudent to remember that we have one version of events (obviously). It's quite a statement to make when you don't know the full story."
Do you write that on every post because we only ever get one person's view of a situation? Obviously we take that at face value. You are quite right but, at the same time, pointing it out like you have could come across to the OP as you not believing their version of events. Given how upset the OP is and how she feels she's been lied to and deceived, I can imagine a comment like that might not sit very well with her.

I think all of us know that we make the assumption that the circumstances as stated are correct. So, @Antihop is just saying that, given the circumstances the OP has told us, she considers the OP's mum to be emotionally abusive.

I think the following statement would qualify as emotional abuse:
"She used to tell me she loved me but she didn't like me, she preferred the animals, and once she told me I wasn't the daughter she'd wanted."

I agree with @EL8888....leave them to it.

It sounds like you are being unfair. 5 years ago you didn't really have a relationship by comparison to your sister and your Mum.

It will more than likely be classed as deprivation of assets and the money will be eaten up paying for a care home. Now whether the local council look into the finances in enough detail is anyone's guess. They are overstretched and underfunded and don't always have time to investigate fully. However, if the house she is living in is owned by your sister and she hasn't been paying rent then I would suggest this would be enough to set them off. More so, as the land registry will show the house passed from your mum on to your sister. Completely up to you if you drop her in it or not - as I say you may not need to. Also, if your mum already had dementia at that point you may well be able to dispute the transfer. In this case, if your mum didn't eat up all of the value of the house in care bills there may be some left to come to you. Horrible situation though.

@ohprettybaby Well of course it's the same for any OP, you're quite right. But I would never present something like it's a fact, when I don't actually know that it is if you know what I mean.

It's not so much a case of 'not believing' the OP, more that in a situation as emotive as this, I suspect there are many different points of view from everyone involved. Everyone's truth is slightly different isn't it.