To think there are no emotional affairs.

[welliesarefuntowear]

That they are affairs. They have been unfaithful and betrayed you. I see the words emotional affair used so many times almost as though it's a reasonable explanation for the lies that have been told. I think it does the person who has been betrayed a disservice to even to try and distinguish the two. And I truly believe it's used to give cognitive dissonance to the fact that they will have had sex with that person.

I’m not sure about this. I think there is a difference in getting too close to someone else and actually having a physical relationship with them. I’d consider forgiving an emotional affair but not having sex with someone else.

I don't understand how we can distinguish between them when the likelihood is that the person who is lying to you will have slept with the person that they have been having an emotional attachment to. It's hard to prove but I truly believe it.

I actually think an emotional affair is more of a betrayal than a quick shag. It's hte time investment that would get me.

I speak as someone who has been utterly hardened emotionally by this.

It is infidelity whether or not it is physical. It is potentially more serious than a sex only ons

Emotional affairs are used to describe inappropriate emotional attachment where there has been no sexual contact. Some people use the term to describe any relationship between their partner and another person ( woman) that they’re unhappy about without ever really clarifying what evidence there is for the “ affair” part. I imagine it’s hard to distinguish them from regular friendships sometimes. I would consider it to be a different thing from a full sexual affair but not necessarily “ lesser “depending on the degree of emotion involved.

I fell in love with someone, we had an emotional affair. We never even kissed.
I went no contact to end it.
It felt like a massive betrayal.

I disagree. I think it's perfectly possible for a situation to be an emotional affair that has not yet but likely would become physical given time, opportunity etc. I also think a random one off drunken shag is far less damaging to a relationship than months of confiding secrets, often about the betrayed spouse.

I think I've explained it poorly. Not necessarily just on Mumsnet but the idea that an emotional friendship or relationship where your life partner is gaining emotional support from a woman is somehow ok and a reasonable thing to do, The old "my wife doesn't understand me" kind of thing. And I have seen the words, "he is probably having an emotional affair". It's an affair, and in my opinion it's likely they will lie for as long and as hard as they can get away with about whether they have slept with them.

I’ve had experience of both, started as an emotional affair which turned into a physical one.
I was utterly destroyed by the emotional one but was willing to forgive and move on. Once I found out it had progressed to being physical, I grew stronger than I’ve ever been, suddenly felt in control and kicked that piece of shit out of my life 😄

But a platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex is fine? Falling in love with them is not fine, having sex with them is not fine, but 'an emotional friendship' isn't cheating.

You give me hope @lanternlighter., I am months on and still reeling from the lies and the insistence that it was just a friendship.

If all an emotional affair needs is time and opportunity it's an affair. I think that's the fine line between that and a true friendship.

Emotional affairs are very real and as crushing as physical affairs.
One of my sister's was married to a wanker who had an emotional affair. The lies and deceit are just the same.
She eventually managed to access his phone and the messages between him and the other woman.
At that time, mobile phone bills were in paper form and sent via the post. She managed to intercept and open his.
The woman's number ran to three pages listing calls and texts in a one month period.
Phoning her on his way to and from work, texting at every opportunity.
The messages alone absolutely destroyed my sister to the point where all these years later she still feels hurt and upset.
So yes, emotional affairs are just as real and as bad as physical affairs in my eyes.

But not all emotional affairs are physical.

What you’re describing is that you’ve been told it was only emotional but suspect it was physical too but that you have no way of proving it, this for you blueing the lines when actually there’s a huge difference between them!

However I’m like a pp that I’d find a one off drunken physical cheat easier to forgive than an emotional affair.

@welliesarefuntowear oh I had that for years... “we’re just friends, why are you so jealous, stop trying to control who I spend time with, you’ve got trust issues”
As I said before, it did develop into more and he was still telling me that they were just friends the night I found out and they had been sleeping together for months (at least).

So from what I've described what is the betrayal? The emotional part or the physical one? I now know it was physical, but I was persuaded and gaslighted that this person was a good friend. Where do you get your validation from in yourself and from others to gain the support to say that none of this is ok and you are messing with my head? The only reason I knew it was physical is because I managed to get into a Dropbox account and found photos. I want other people in my situation to know that it is ok to say that I'm not happy with what's going on and it's disrespecting me and to have the courage to do this without worrying that you are doing your partner a disservice for not accepting some random new friend.

@LanternLighter thanks for your comment, I think you get what I mean.

I think it's just as bad as a physical affair and that if not stopped they will become physical.
I believe that some stop/are stopped before anything physical takes place.
Sounds like your ex? has hurt you badly, physical or emotional is immaterial, he needs to understand what he has done

Yes I agree, it wrecks my head that if I had had the courage to say that this relationship wasn’t acceptable and it had to stop, then my family wouldn’t have been torn apart.

I don't really understand what an emotional affair is.

I haven't got loads of friends but the ones i have i love deeply, and we emotionally support each other and share alot of personal stuff

Am i having an emotional affair?

I think there are three types. Physical, emotional and full-blown. People can develop intimate, emotional relationships online, where they never meet and may never even see each other. Others can just be physical with someone because they fancy them but no romantic feelings. Others will, essentially, have a second relationship with sex and feelings - whether that be from the start or how it develops. None are objectively better or worse than any other, but there are distinct differences that will affect people differently.

Affairs with a physical aspect have more health issues to be concerned about, while those with feelings involved may be more difficult to move on from because those feelings may linger, even if the original couple decide to stay together and the other person is cut off. Whatever type of affair, it is still a massive betrayal and defining it as one or another does not diminish the pain caused

In principle I agree with you: a long-drawn out emotional intimacy with someone else where there's no sexual contact is still an affair albeit without sex.

But there are a lot of grey areas and quite often people come on here to ask whether they are in an emotional affair when they have a friendship that's starting to tip over into EA territory.

Quite often its a wake-up call that you are developing a growing intimacy which threatens your primary relationship, but I can see that there may be situations where the lines are blurred and its not that clear.

Say, for example, you fear your spouse is cheating and you confide in a longstanding platonic friend of the opposite sex because you want to hear a man's perspective on it and you end up having a lot of coffees/drinks/chats with them. Is this an emotional affair or is it just relying quite heavily on someone emotionally for expediency?

There's a big difference between that and a long pattern of messaging and chatting to someone over a period of months and being intimate with them without actually having physical contact.