To think there are no emotional affairs.

[welliesarefuntowear]

That they are affairs. They have been unfaithful and betrayed you. I see the words emotional affair used so many times almost as though it's a reasonable explanation for the lies that have been told. I think it does the person who has been betrayed a disservice to even to try and distinguish the two. And I truly believe it's used to give cognitive dissonance to the fact that they will have had sex with that person.

Bitched about my children to them, talked about how lonely he was, how he never had sex (we had two babies in 25 months?) and shared private details about our family with these women

I would do that with my close (female) friends (and they are sharing similar details to me too).
Does it mean we have an emotional affair? Nope.

I think I'd actually be more heartbroken if my partner was sat there talking to someone for months, falling for them etc rather than a drunken one night stand - both completely unacceptable of course but in some instances I think emotional is worse !

@amaretto there’s a huge difference at the level of intimate divulging between doing this with opposite sex or sex you are attracted to. Especially if most of it is lies.

My and serendipities partners divulged lies that they were not having sex to other women they quite fancied.

Why do you think that was?

Is that not a betrayal?

@WildChristmas, if those ex of yours were flirting and purposefully ‘forgetting’ to mention you then you are not in friends territory. They were flirting fgs! You dont flirt with a friend.

Xpost.
If they are lies then it’s not about getting emotional support from a friend is it?

I dont think there is a difference between men and women (as in with the opposite sex) when you are sharing as I properly sharing. If you are sharing lies, then You are not being a friend. The sharing has another purpose altogether. (Ego boosting etc etc)

@amaretto of course they were flirting. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t see if your husband was telling a woman he liked but said was ‘friend’ that:
He was lonely
He didn’t have sex (even though that was a lie)
Intimate family details that were demeaning to you with the new female friend.

You wouldn’t have a problem with your DH doing the above?

@SarahTancredi sorry, I don't think I phrased that well. I didn't mean tell your partner the content of the conversation more would you hide the fact you spoke to a friend. So in your phone you put Dave as Davina, he asks who you're messaging you say your mum when it's your friend, he asks if you want to go to bed you say you're finishing a book but as soon as he's out of the room you're messaging your friend.

@Amaretto there’s a blurry line in friendships where we could, in another life, fancy each other.

I would be quite careful about telling another man how lonely I was, how I wasn’t getting sex in my marriage. Even if this was true. It’s very mixed signals and I would get my male friend to be quite defensive for me on my behalf. He would be thinking my husband wasn’t doing his job. He would be thinking this women might need rescuing.

Completely different reaction from my female friend. She would go through whether to stay or go with me, help me solve it.

@DonaldTrumpsChopper, I take it you have not had it happen to you. What if your husband was spending a lot of time with a female 'friend'. confiding in her, fancying her, being attracted to her physically, withdrawing from you, having secretive messaging habits, possibly even thinking about her while having a wank or shagging you, would you be happy?

I wouldn't do those things,

However I dont ask and he doesnt ask who we are talking to.

I message while I read/watch TV

Whether or not I finish conversations with friends befire I go to bed depends on what we are talking about. I dont do the blowing off mates when man says so thing. If I'm doing something with dp I'll reply if I get a message when we are back/I'm free . I dont drop everything for either of then unless it's an emergency. If im fee I'll talk if im not I wont.

@WildChristmas, you really have never shared that sort of details with a close friend? Esp when things were not going well in your relationship?

Because I have. And I have absolutely no issue doing that as I am looking for support and someone to just listen to me. And of course the details will be ‘demeaning’, not because I want to be but because I’m giving my side of the story and therefore DH will come out looking bad by default (same than a lot of the thread in here btw). And whether that friend is Male or female doesn’t really matter tbh.

However, I would NOT lie (eg say I never have sex when i do) just for the purpose of looking good or to reap some ‘oh poor you’ from that ‘friend’ iyswim. Because when you do so you have a totally different intend to just getting support.

@mikeuniform

I completely agree.

I think a major problem with emotional affairs is often the cheater convinces themselves that they are doing nothing wrong, and can believe their own lies, and turn quite nasty to their poor partners who feel that they can’t even complain for fear of looking controlling.

It’s a bit like domestic violence. It’s clear if you have but your wife. It’s clear if you’ve had sex with someone else. It’s not so clear but just as damaging if you’ve emotionally abused your wife.

Have hit your wife... not but!

Sorry Xpost again @WildChristmas.

I’ve never felt my Male friend would want to ‘rescue me’ tbh. I don’t expect them too. And the one Im thinking about is in a LT with two kids. I’m not expecting him to suddenly go into flirting mode either.

Tbh some times actually getting feedback from the other sex can be quite useful. When you have a man telling your that your DH is acting shit, you can be pretty sure he really is. And you avoid women’s tendency to avoid making waves/do the emotional work etc.... which, imo, doesn’t always help us

@MikeUniform DH and I have been together for a long time, and he absolutely has done this, with the exception of withdrawing from me.

He knows that, for me, the line is that he doesn't let it affect our relationship, and that he doesn't slag me off, or lead anyone on, as this would be disrespectful to me and his them.

He does however fancy other women, spends time with them, texts them, confides in them, goes out for drinks and even the odd meal, and probably wanks over them. I don't give him grief over it, so he doesn't need to hide it.

Guess our lines are just in different places.

This isn't all the time, by the way, but occasionally during our relationship. He doesn't have a constant stream of women on the go..

Emotional affairs and physical affairs are different - the difference is that with an emotional affair there has been no physical contact. That is not to say that an emotional affair would not develop into a physical affair given time.

However, using 'emotional affair' is not a justification. They are both massive betrayals and are as serious as each other.

As pps have said, I think an emotional affair is actually worse - a drunken one night stand for a physical affair I could eventually forgive a lot more easily than an emotional affair where they are sharing sweet nothings and intimate details and usually over a period of time. It is the level of intimacy that I think would feel the worst.

@Amaretto I’d be gobsmacked if your husband would feel okay about you discussing your rubbish sex life with your male friend! And telling him how lonely you were! Honestly if you’d think this is fine I feel for your husband. It would damage your marriage.

My ex had female friends who I never had a problem with and I’m sure he “talked about how lonely he was and shared private details about our family”. And that was fine, it’s what you do with a friend.

His emotional affair consisted of messaging her first thing in the morning before talking to me and last thing at night and consistently through the day. Prioritising her over me, dc and his family. Going out with her every week but refusing to go out with me. Lying about spending time with her. Generally putting time and effort into their relationship rather than ours.

It’s very very different from a friendship and I genuinely believe you have a gut feeling when something isn’t right and also the cheating partner knows deep down it isn’t right as well.

@DonaldTrumpsChopper do you have men you do this with?

@LanternLighter I would say that your ex telling other women that he was lonely was preemptive of his more explicit and hurtful emotional affairs.

@WildChristmas, let’s say it this way.
I wouod have no issue with my Dh having a FRIENDSHIP with a woman (or a man) and discussing that sort of issue with them.
That’s because I dint make a difference between the friendship between a man and a woman rather than two men or two women.

As I said earlier, if you dint think that friendship between the opposite sex can be just friendship or that they are never quite the same (which I understand well is how you feel), then yes I suspect you would find that distressing/annoying.

I wouod look at things the same way than @LanternLighter.
It’s not the sharing of details that is the issue.
It’s the lying, the putting them before you etc....

I’d consider forgiving an emotional affair but not having sex with someone else.

Funny how different we all are. I’m the total opposite. Sex can just be an in the moment bumping uglies thing but an emotional affair implies a lot more and is far more deliberate and long term to me

@amaretto I’m guessing your husband doesn’t have a friendship with a woman, that he’s told he’s lonely and lacked sex. Because I don’t think you can say ‘I’d be alright with that’ unless it has happened to you.

I know you mean to say female and make friendships are just interchangeable. However for women (or men) whose partners have have demeaned them with someone of the opposite sex that they fancy. They are gaslighted to make them feel that they are ‘reading stuff’ into it. It’s quite triggering for some people.

I’ve had several women gossip horribly about me behind my back because they know I had a problem with my Exes ‘friendship’ with them. They would talk to someone like you, who would most likely say that I was in the wrong.

It’s not a nice feeling to be told you are being unreasonably jealous.