Family moving to other end of the country

[oatlyboatly]

A close family member made the decision a few years ago to move to the other end of the country. They are some 4.5-7 hours away, depending on traffic. Their house is not set up for us to stay with them, they only have one spare room but there are four of us and the room is not big enough for us all, not to mention that the bed is broken and very uncomfortable. If we were to go to see them, we would have to stay in a hotel which, given that it's a popular holiday location, is very expensive.

I get the feeling that they are put out by us not going to visit them more often, although they haven't expressly said that. They come back to visit regularly so we do still see them, and we ALWAYS make time for them, but obviously it's them making the effort.

Quite frankly, it's a long drive, it's expensive and it's difficult to find the time to make a visit given that it would have to be over three days to make it worth it/have a rest from the driving inbetween, which would mean using annual leave. AIBU in not wanting to do it? They chose to move away from us and although we enjoy seeing them, it's at quite a cost to us. I'm not saying I'll never go, and we have been twice since they moved, but I'm just not keen to do it regularly. That said, I feel bad about feeling that way. What's the etiquette in these situations?

Just don’t go then! What is this about ffs? You clearly don’t like them, or want to spend time with them.

So stop posting AIBU’s and just crack on with your life not seeing these family members. Stop wasting our replying time with your inane answers.

@MustardScreams nobody is making you read or reply! I imagine if I didn't answer the questions then you'd have something to say about that, too.

As I have said previously, we ALWAYS make time to see them when they're here.

But what do you actually want from this?

You clearly don’t want to see them? So don’t. You don’t need countless strangers telling you it’s ok to do it you know.

Commit to going yearly, maybe in summer, spend time with them and make a holiday of it. Renting a small cottage is often cheaper than a hotel. Then skype/facetime etc. It is awful when you feel people aren't making the effort. Going annually will show that you care.

Why don't you rent a holiday cottage together for a week in the Summer with enough space for all of you? That way you all see each other, you're comfortable and you share the costs and the chores.

You mentioned that they were a 'close family member' so surely you can talk to them directly instead of worrying about the correct 'etiquette'?

Is it your sister or brother op? That's the vibe I get...
I live near my parents, where we all grew up. I love my sister very much but when she lived at the other end of the country (9 hour drive) I only visited twice in four years. It's enough. It's so damned expensive, so I had to do it instead of another holiday, and i didn't want my annual holiday for four years in a row to be to their area, although it is lovely. Staying so far away really does eat money, DHs parents live a 6-7 hour drive away and we only see them a couple of times a year - and we haven't been the ones to do the journey for the past 2 years or so, because they are better able to afford it. It's just life. They can see us on Skype.

@oatlyboatly nobody is making you post.

@Slavedrivers well said. Completely get it and we didnt even move as far.

We moved only 1.5 hours from the city. We are renting the in laws house. They had issues with tenants destroying the joint and we had just taken a land agent to court and won, so timing worked out well for us all.
We been here going into the 4th year and we can count on one hand how many times any of the family been up. Yet we expected to go visit as often as possible. We said they welcome, pets too. We have room for them to stay, a full fully functional caravan, so private too. But nope.
We stopped rushing down Christmas day for family lunch as it was too much stress and rushing, we go boxing day now. Plus his eldest brother an idiot lol.
But any holiday, we expected to travel. I even had to put a stop to mothers day rushing to city for lunch. For mothers day, I want a sleep in dammit.
We go down less now and guess what, their visits haven't increased. Why should our effort remain the same?

First year we were cool with filling the gap, we did agree to move out here but now, it should be more even, it's not so they don't see us as often. Its not a new thing we out here
Why not agree to meet somewhere halfway? Rent a caravan/motor home once a year. I do agree they should fix the bed and have a couple blow up mattresses for guests though.

Can't you just say who it is? It's really not "outing". I'm guessing your sister.

In 2.5 years I'd have made the effort to visit. Travelodge is cheap enough for a couple of nights, we've even stayed in central London for less than £50 a night in a family room.

You can hire a caravan in touristy places very reasonably particularly out of season. And, there are some cracking caravan parks all over the UK with first rate facilities for both adults and children.

We have a similar problem. DH brother moved to Ireland. We have visited once it cost us a fortune for ferry hotel (2 rooms as DSS'S came who are 15 and 16) that was almost £1000 plus food drinks a day out it was crazy money.

He has lived there about 6 years but hasn't once come back here to visit he expects everyone to go there but won't/can't put anyone up so it ends up very expensive.

He constantly throws tantrums how no one bothers with him. He threw a huge tantrum before Christmas because he asked us to visit and take his DM who we would have to pay for ferry plus hotel room for we said we can't afford it nor could we afford to take time off work before Christmas (we are both self employed) he just doesn't get the expense and surely it would be easier for him to come here and see all of his family not expect us to all pay to visit him. There are numerous homes he could be put up here and a car he can use. His expense would be a return flight that's it.

That was mo help with your situation I'm sorry i had my own rant instead 🤣

I think you are being stubborn, that some adaptation would make it work and that you will weaken the relationship with your sibling if you don't suck it up and go occasionally.