Family moving to other end of the country

[oatlyboatly]

A close family member made the decision a few years ago to move to the other end of the country. They are some 4.5-7 hours away, depending on traffic. Their house is not set up for us to stay with them, they only have one spare room but there are four of us and the room is not big enough for us all, not to mention that the bed is broken and very uncomfortable. If we were to go to see them, we would have to stay in a hotel which, given that it's a popular holiday location, is very expensive.

I get the feeling that they are put out by us not going to visit them more often, although they haven't expressly said that. They come back to visit regularly so we do still see them, and we ALWAYS make time for them, but obviously it's them making the effort.

Quite frankly, it's a long drive, it's expensive and it's difficult to find the time to make a visit given that it would have to be over three days to make it worth it/have a rest from the driving inbetween, which would mean using annual leave. AIBU in not wanting to do it? They chose to move away from us and although we enjoy seeing them, it's at quite a cost to us. I'm not saying I'll never go, and we have been twice since they moved, but I'm just not keen to do it regularly. That said, I feel bad about feeling that way. What's the etiquette in these situations?

No, not husbands parents

Broken on what way, maybe it is fine to them?

We have similar with bil and his family. They originally moved to the Middle East and then Northern Europe. They asked DH if we'd be going to visit them this year (they've been there about 5 years but we've only be a couple of times) however it'd be about £300 in flights plus at least £300 on hotels (they can't host due to room) and then meals out as they're shit hosts. I think to go for 2/3 nights we'd comfortably be looking at about £1000 - we'd rather spend the money on our family holiday! They feel put out as they come over a few times a year but they made the choice to move away from everyone.

When the whole family visited at my inlaws, there'd be people sleeping on every floor! The kids loved it. Of course it meant that no-one could stay up super late, but it was fine. Air beds or the cushions from the sofa placed on the floor were the order of the day.

Sometimes you just have to put up with a couple of nights' discomfort for the good of family harmony. At the moment they're doing all the work to keep in touch.
An uncomfortable bed simply isn't a good enough excuse not to visit for two and a half years.

Could kids camp out in garden on a summer visit?

It sounds like you are having to go on expensive trips to visit family who cannot/will not be flexible in the sleeping arrangements so that you can all fit in comfortably.
I would suggest meeting up halfway holiday destination between your 2 homes in future.
Other than that just let them do the travelling to you seeing as they seem to benefit from all the free accommodation and meals.

I imagine they would put up with it because they're too tight to replace it. They have tried to 'fix' it but it's still completely knackered, basically collapses in to the middle.

They come back every other month but you haven’t gone in years. Any excuse will do. I love you op. I hate family duty too

Your parents?

An uncomfortable bed simply isn't a good enough excuse not to visit for two and a half years.

There are various other factors too, but that is part of what puts me off presently. It's not like we haven't seen them for 2.5 years though, like i said, we see them regularly when they come here. I just think it's a bit off to move far away and be annoyed when people don't visit!

Our family is far flung. I make it a goal to visit each location every other year.

Go and see them Easter Friday - bank holiday Monday (if you don't work bank holidays)

That was the most weirdly phrased suggestion ever - obviously mean good Friday - Easter Monday

If the broken bed is a bed stead type rather than a divan you could try to find a B n Q or similar locally to them and buy some MDF or plywood and put that under the mattress.
If other family go to stay could you club together and get a triple bunk?

I get the feeling that they are put out by us not going to visit them more often, although they haven't expressly said that

I think it's because they feel they always do the driving

They genuinely think it's ok for us to all somehow stay at theirs but it's completely impractical for us and would be very uncomfortable, as it has been previously when we've tried to make it work. On that basis, I guess it seems to them that we're just not willing to make the effort, which is not true at all

I imagine they would put up with it because they're too tight to replace it

OP, your posts are full of the language of supposition: guess, feel imagining what they think. Try addressing this directly, speak to them about why it's problem for you, exactly as you've written here. Possibly a lot of your reasonable misgivings are because you haven't spoken up about it.

You say they get free meals when they visit, do they charge when you visit them?

Would it be an option for you to all take their room and they take the knackered bed in their ‘guest’ room?

I do take your point though and don’t think you’re being unreasonable to not want to schlep to them if it’s a pig of a journey and they’re not the best hosts.

Besides, if someone decides to move so far away, surely the onus is on them to come back if they’re going to insist on seeing people?

You say they get free meals when they visit, do they charge when you visit them?

They don't charge, but they don't provide much food or they suggest meals out or takeaways which we pay for (not for them, but for us)

Presumably you would be buying food at home too though, so not necessarily extra cost. Could you take food with you to prepare there?

We were the ones who moved away. Thank goodness our families didn't see that as being a reason for not visiting us.

Why would you expect them to provide your meals?

If I visit a friend I'll always pay my way if we order in so why is that any different?

Maybe they can't afford to feed everyone.

If they live in a seaside town treat it as a holiday

Perhaps you’re lovely hosts saraclara and make your guests feel welcome and comfortable?!

It is a good point about the food though, if you’d have to feed yourselves at home it’s not really that unreasonable to do so elsewhere. It could be they think it would be nice for you all to eat out/get takeaway.

A poster above had the really good suggestion of talking to them. Maybe they don’t realise the challenges you’ve had, or you’re misunderstanding their intentions?

If we took our own food, we'd have to take extra for them too. They're not big cooks so likely wouldn't have lots of the usual cooking ingredients that we have, either, so cooking is not necessarily an easy option. Yes, we'd be buying food at home anyway, but it's cheaper there because you know what you've already got/need to use up rather than buying everything new.

You're right about talking to them. We just haven't wanted to be difficult or offend them.

I shall give you an idea what it's like being on the other end of this.
We moved across the country for DH job.

When you move away, you are expected to do all the returning and visiting. Driving for hours every other month is not fun, costs a lot in petrol, takes you away from the life you are trying to build/maintain. Not to mention annual leave from work, for what isn't actually a fun holiday!
You get to return to your home town and be pulled in 6 different directions, by your family and friends, who want you to make time for them but don't make time to visit you.

At the beginning your willing to do it all because hey, you moved away. After a few years this gets wearing, you start to see that actually a lot of people wouldn't bother if you didn't do all the traveling. To be brutally honest, you just realised that you care a lot more about them, than they care about you.

If you truly want to see them you will visit, I would take my own air beds in protest to the broken bed though. Can you not put two people in the bedroom and two in the front room? If you both have children can they not share a room?

Make the effort, it probably means a lot to them and you may see them make more of an effort with you.
They probably are annoyed, they are most likely hearing the excuses your giving from other family member too, who also don't want to drive to visit them.
I feel if people visit twice a year, they have put in a decent amount of effort to see us.

Word of warning, if they are annoyed over the lack of visitors they may stop driving to you, then what will you do? Stop contact or be forced into more visits?