Family moving to other end of the country

[oatlyboatly]

A close family member made the decision a few years ago to move to the other end of the country. They are some 4.5-7 hours away, depending on traffic. Their house is not set up for us to stay with them, they only have one spare room but there are four of us and the room is not big enough for us all, not to mention that the bed is broken and very uncomfortable. If we were to go to see them, we would have to stay in a hotel which, given that it's a popular holiday location, is very expensive.

I get the feeling that they are put out by us not going to visit them more often, although they haven't expressly said that. They come back to visit regularly so we do still see them, and we ALWAYS make time for them, but obviously it's them making the effort.

Quite frankly, it's a long drive, it's expensive and it's difficult to find the time to make a visit given that it would have to be over three days to make it worth it/have a rest from the driving inbetween, which would mean using annual leave. AIBU in not wanting to do it? They chose to move away from us and although we enjoy seeing them, it's at quite a cost to us. I'm not saying I'll never go, and we have been twice since they moved, but I'm just not keen to do it regularly. That said, I feel bad about feeling that way. What's the etiquette in these situations?

Dh’s parents lived an eight hour drive away and it was reasonable to see them 2 or 3 times a year.

Yanbu if people move away then that's great but they can't expect others to use their income/annual leave to visit them in a regular basis. It's simply too expensive and too much hassle for a lot of us.

I think with video calling and phone calls regularly there is no need for more visits.It causes upheavel on both sides from daily routine and it is unneccessary. I would however make your time count when you are together so how about maybe having a few weekends together at a different location and making mini holidays of it in an air b n b or a campsite ..obviously not in the dead of winter but later on in the year? I would be thinking along those terms for special get togethers rather than just bog standard visiting....You could maybe meet somewhere and travel by train to take the driving pressure off too and have city breaks ...there are so many different options just think more fun and quality time and see if you can all agree on making it special when you do see each other...

They left you and have given no provision for your sleeping arrangements. Next time they ask you to stay, say “Where?”

You clearly see it more as a duty rather than actually want to see them, do don’t bother.

My family is in another country but we still visit each other several times a year and go on hols together as we actually want to.

We do want to see them, hence why we always make ourselves available when they come back, often at short notice.

The reason this has come about is that we are trying to arrange a weekend break in this country for all of us but they are unwilling to drive far. We can't drive too far as we have children in school so have to leave after school on Friday and don't want to be arriving at 10pm as we would lose out on a whole day's use of the place, which we would have to pay for anyway. We have suggested somewhere close to us, still 2.5 hours away for us but we could do evening activities there, but they have said no. I think it's because they feel they always do the driving. They don't have to worry about school and have part time/flexible jobs so wouldn't even necessarily have to take annual leave to travel earlier in the day.

They sound a bit selfish to be honest.

I think sometimes you have to accept that if you move away, you will probably end up doing more of the work to keep in touch. My parents haven’t visited me in years, which is a shame in that sometimes I feel they know very little about my life in London, but realistically it’s so much easier for me to visit them. Until recently my dad worked every weekend, and my mom has mobility issues that make the Tube a nightmare for her. I can also see other family and friends while I’m there.

You’re being perfectly reasonable about the proposed visit. If they don’t want to go they don’t have to but they can’t complain they don’t see you more often.

Two of my siblings moved a couple of hours away from where we grew up, in different directions. I’m still near here and our parents aren’t that far so family gatherings are mostly at mine or one of the parents. They moved, neither has children to worry about and mum, dad or I can have them to stay while neither of them has space for overnight visitors. No one complains. I take on the bulk of the hosting which I’m fine with, they do the travelling.

I think the trouble is we haven't been to visit for just over 2.5 years, due to a number of major life events. They genuinely think it's ok for us to all somehow stay at theirs but it's completely impractical for us and would be very uncomfortable, as it has been previously when we've tried to make it work. On that basis, I guess it seems to them that we're just not willing to make the effort, which is not true at all.

Hmm, I am in two minds. I do feel if you wanted to see them then perhaps you could make it work. Perhaps suggest turns? You go to them then they come to you?

There are ways of four people in one room. We have five in one at MIL - a set of bunk beds (teens) and a preteen in the double with DH and I. Obviously this will change when the preteen gets older, at which point I will ask MIL if we can use the bedroom that currently sits empty as we are not allowed to use it! (BIL childhood bedroom)

Could you suggest bunk beds to family member?

There's no room for bunk beds as it only just fits a double. Like I said, the bed they have is broken but they haven't made any effort to replace it. Another family member who would love to stay with them but has orthopaedic issues, now books a hotel every time.

Could dc sleep on floor, or you on a sofabed/airbed. Tbh after 2 1/2 years of no visiting I can see why family might be upset. Even if once a year in a travelodge. Inset days, halterms, bank holidays all allow for a more flexible break.

They don't have a sofa bed and there is not enough room around the bed for two to sleep on the floor.

There have been a few major life events over the 2.5 years which have affected funds, ability to travel etc.

Floor of lounge?

We're south of the Thames and SIL in north of Glasgow. We go up every other year and they come to us in the intervening ones. Rest of the time it's email, skype and facebook contact. DW and her DS are very close but distance is distance and neither of them fancy doing the drive 2 or 3 times a year.

You have one life and only a few people love you. Don’t make excuses to not spend tome with family.

Once you’ve done the visit/drive are you going to keep going on about it months later? Probably not. So it’s not going to kill you to do it.

Floor of the lounge has never been put to us as an option but it's an open plan living area, and a small one at that, which the stairs come in to and I'm really not sure it would be very nice for either us or them for us to take up the only living space. That's probably the easiest option though, and I would consider it, but they have never suggested it as they think the bed is fine!

Is a bed cheaper than a hotel? If so offer to replace it with one you’d be ok to sleep in.

Can’t you just tell about the bed? They must know it’s broken.

Air beds on the lounge floor or one DC on the settle and one on air bed. Or there are reasonably priced folding beds which you could take with you and could be useful for sleepovers with school friends.
I remember all sorts of sleeping arrangements when I was a child and I have had a few strange arrangements to have people stay at my house

We do spend time with them, though. They come back maybe every other month. And what about the expense of us visiting them? They aren't particularly great hosts, not that that's a reason to not go, but it all adds up, hotel, meals, petrol, activities etc. Save for petrol, them coming back home costs them nothing and they get free meals the whole time. I guess I find it hard to justify it when they're up here so regularly anyway.

They do know the bed is broken but they think it's fine anyway!

Is this your husband’s parents?