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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think of ending it if he does this?

78 replies

Wejustdontknow · 08/01/2020 09:14

Ds13 was talking about his birthday last night, it’s still a couple of months away but I said as it’s on a school night we could go out for a meal on the evening if he wanted to pick somewhere. He has chosen a chain restaurant and told dp when he came home who then said well enjoy but don’t expect me there as I don’t like that place.
Ds is upset by this and so am I, the restaurant offers a varied menu and there are plenty of options dp could eat but he says when we went 2 years ago for ds’s birthday the food was horrible and so he won’t go again.
I’ve told ds to leave it for now as it’s still a while away but tbh I am very angry, surely for one night if it’s where your dc want to eat for their birthday you would suck it up and go and enjoy it with them?
I do feel he has checked out of family life a bit recently so don’t know if this is clouding my judgment

OP posts:

Original poster

Wejustdontknow · 09/01/2020 14:47

I don’t think he has another woman on his mind although guess I could be mistaken.
I think he is depressed as he said he was in the summer so just doesn’t want to make the effort and I would be ok with that if he talked to me about it, promised to get help and followed through with it but he said that last summer, went to the doctor once then never went back even though I asked him a few times if the tablets had helped and when he was booking a follow up appointment, I have no experience with depression at all but he said the doctor had given him 8 weeks worth of tablets and he had to book a follow up to see how he was getting on. Every time I asked if he was booking a follow up he said he was going to but never did and the fact that he was so much more involved meant I didn’t push it as I probably would have if he hadn’t changed.
I also wonder if him saying he had depression in the summer was just a way to fob me off, get me onside by playing happy family’s for a few months then hope I won’t say anything if he slowly starts backing away from family life again, I honestly don’t know

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/01/2020 18:21

Massive backtracking by you, op, on this thread

Read your thread title again. You wanted folk to say "no, that isn't a LTB offence" didn't you

Now you have mostly got "actually, that is really shit and it is a LTB offence" you have decided it might be just a blip and you should stfu

It isn't a blip, you shouldn't stfu and it isn't going to go away

Original poster

Wejustdontknow · 09/01/2020 19:11

@AnyFucker I acknowledged a few posts ago that the title did lead to the ltb comments. Nowhere have I said I will stfu and sit quietly with a partner who behaves that way to me or my children. What I said was that I wouldn’t end a relationship on one discussion/comment but would assess over the next couple of weeks and was obviously a bit hasty with the thread title. I am unsure with how to proceed and have used the thread for advice and to get my thoughts out for others to have an opinion on which often helps.
I fear you are right with the fact that it won’t change but I am certainly going to give myself the time to think things through calmly now I am over the initial shock of his heartless comment

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/01/2020 19:42

He is not worthy of a lovely family, op.

Shitty little selfish manchild.

MargotB7 · 09/01/2020 19:56

well enjoy but don’t expect me there as I don’t like that place.

I would be fuming with the twat. He needs to grow up.

MargotB7 · 09/01/2020 19:58

I certainly wouldn't want a intimate relationship with someone so pathetic.

MargotB7 · 09/01/2020 19:58

FlapAttack23 · 09/01/2020 20:00

Leave him ... that’s disgusting behaviour

GabriellaMontez · 09/01/2020 20:01

Have you asked him?

"It feels like you're checking out of family life? Would you prefer not to be part of this family?"

If he wants to stay he needs to pull his socks up pronto. Wtf are you thinking of activities he may deign to participate in?
If he wants to fix things he should do it.

FizzyIce · 09/01/2020 20:07

Can you not just talk to your dh and find out what’s going on?
I don’t get why people seethe , just come straight out and ask him.
If he kicks off then you have your answer and you just shouldn’t bother anymore if that’s the case .
Fwiw,I love chain restaurants but F&B’s is one of the worst and I always try and persuade dd or dh to go elsewhere if I can .

IAmNotAWitch · 09/01/2020 20:07

This is the man you are choosing are your son's male role model?

They are watching and learning how relationships work.

Russellbrandshair · 09/01/2020 20:14

He did not suggest anything else he said how about for my birthday I choose for us all to eat at a mushy pea shop knowing only he likes mushy peas

Why are you with him? He sounds absolutely vile. Yuk

Original poster

Wejustdontknow · 09/01/2020 20:19

No I haven’t asked him anything yet, I am almost certain that when I ask he will apologise or say he didn’t realise he was not joining in enough and will then possibly make more effort. What I want to decide first is whether I am happy for him to do that. I get everyone has times where they maybe need some space or are struggling mentally but genuine question, how many times would you tell your dh/dp that it felt like they were pulling away before you said no more?
Like I said previously he did this once before around 6 months ago. The 9 years before that were all very happy so that’s why I am unsure how to approach it. I won’t go round in circles but at the same time wonder if I should give him a second chance to step up.
Hope I’m not rambling and making sense, my heads all over the place today

OP posts:

MargotB7 · 09/01/2020 22:52

Is your Son feeling alright after the negative comment? would ask him, that would be my priority over yours and your DP.'s feelings

ClappyFlappy · 09/01/2020 22:57

What a fucking tosser

GabriellaMontez · 09/01/2020 23:19

How many chances would I give him? Would depend what he said. And how sure I was that there wasn't someone else.

DeeCeeCherry · 09/01/2020 23:32

I was thinking of over the next couple of weeks suggesting a few different activities and see whether he gets involved and also keep an eye on how much time he spends with each ds and how he interacts with them

Errrmm, why? He's already shat all over your DS' birthday plans so you already know the score with him.

he's 'depressed' but doesn't want to do anything about it, has minimal interaction with your DCs.

& you're going to keep an eye out? OK.

Maybe I'm biased as I like peace love and respect in my home and life, & anyone being a joy-sucking pain in the arse would find he & his stuff out on the road. Also no man, I don't care who he is, is going to upset my DCs on a stupid selfish whim...

But that old MN saying 'Child Before Cock' has come to mind after reading your post & comments

HopefullyAnonymous · 10/01/2020 00:28

Hmm to be fair I wouldn’t eat at F&B either and would steer the kids towards something else, even on their birthday. At there once a few years ago and it was truly vile.

Sounds like there are bigger issues at play though.

fllinn · 10/01/2020 07:04

OP he really does sound depressed. It would be different if he'd behaved like this for ages, but this is 6 months of changed behaviour. Low motivation, hard to be pro-active, assuming he won't enjoy things, irritability and snappy comments. It's really hard for people with depression to get help as the thought and feelings of hopelessness and helplessness can make them assume that nothing will work anyway.

I think people saying LTB are hasty and I do wonder if they are weighing it up with the real impact of ending a relationship that has been good for 9 years or just being reactive. I swear one of mumsnet's favourite guilt trip is telling people they are putting a man before the kids.

Before giving up, I'd suggest sitting him down clearly and explaining that you love him, but you are not happy to the extent of thinking about ending the relationship. Ask him to come to the GP with you. Make him an appointment and go together if he'll let you, and say you'll support him extra for the first 2 months until he starts feeling better. Get him to apologise to DS. If all this fails then go and have relationship counselling and see if something else is going on. Let your kids see that relationships are precious enough to be worked on. Obviously if he's been routinely abusive or controlling then end it, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Minxmumma · 10/01/2020 07:12

He is very selfish, and this would be a real problem for me. I would be telling him very clearly that his behaviour is unacceptable and that his actions will not be without consequence.

It's one meal and I'm pretty sure he could find something to eat.

Original poster

Wejustdontknow · 10/01/2020 09:24

Thank you all very much for your comments, I will talk to him this weekend, probably Saturday evening as that’s the first time I think we will have time to sit and have a proper conversation once the kids are in bed.
I will give him the opportunity to explain himself and what’s going on. I think he will say that he is depressed and I think we will have the exact same conversation we had 6 months ago. I honestly don’t know if anything he says will change my mind now but I am willing to discuss it and see what he says.
I will keep you updated as I do welcome everyone’s viewpoint

OP posts:

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 10/01/2020 09:39

It's your DS's birthday treat so DS gets to choose and the other people DS cares about get to come along and make the best of it. Spell that out to your DP. It's not optional.

Going back to the doctor is not optional either, your DP must do it immediately as a condition for staying part of your family. Yes he may have depression but you have given him time to start sorting himself out and he is not doing it. So either he goes back to the doctor, get some tablets and a referral to a psychiatrist or directly for counselling /therapy (depends how it works in your area)... or the relationship is over. If he wont make that much effort then get rid, because you can't fix his mental health for him and he is letting it damage you and your family.

Good luck.

Amaretto · 10/01/2020 09:40

start talking to him about how he has checked out of family life. Your ds brithday is the last straw might be breaking the camel's back but it is not your main issue atm

hawaiianturtle · 10/01/2020 09:43

Childish = deal breaker.

Rumnraisin · 10/01/2020 09:58

Is it possible that he might have social anxiety and is embarrassed to admit it? From your first post I thought he sounded ridiculously selfish but with your updates wondering if it could be to do with anxiety/depression and he just isn’t opening up to you enough. To say things like he doesn’t want to go to your child’s swimming lessons because he doesn’t like swimming etc is completely illogical.

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