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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think of ending it if he does this?

78 replies

Wejustdontknow · 08/01/2020 09:14

Ds13 was talking about his birthday last night, it’s still a couple of months away but I said as it’s on a school night we could go out for a meal on the evening if he wanted to pick somewhere. He has chosen a chain restaurant and told dp when he came home who then said well enjoy but don’t expect me there as I don’t like that place.
Ds is upset by this and so am I, the restaurant offers a varied menu and there are plenty of options dp could eat but he says when we went 2 years ago for ds’s birthday the food was horrible and so he won’t go again.
I’ve told ds to leave it for now as it’s still a while away but tbh I am very angry, surely for one night if it’s where your dc want to eat for their birthday you would suck it up and go and enjoy it with them?
I do feel he has checked out of family life a bit recently so don’t know if this is clouding my judgment

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/01/2020 08:58

There will be a back story here.

I do wonder why some women continue to inflict such fucking horrible men on their children

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 09/01/2020 09:13

I'm a really dull food snob and will happily eat at Frankie and Benny's, for example, if my DS chooses to go there. Surely that's part of the give and take of family life? Sometimes I get to choose, sometimes DS, sometimes DH?

That's not even taking a birthday into account! This is not a nice man OP.

Yeahnah2020 · 09/01/2020 09:14

Why are you with him? Why do you like him? I’m genuinely interested to hear it.

BreatheAndFocus · 09/01/2020 09:15

Selfish and incredibly immature. Surely children’s birthdays often aren’t places adults would choose to go but it’s totally irrelevant.

A PP used the word ‘sulk’ and that’s what it sounds like - a big, babyish, attention-seeking sulk. I wouldn’t want him there anyway as he’d probably spoil things.

If he can’t be bothered to put himself out for his family, maybe he’d be better off alone so he can indulge his selfishness to his heart’s content.

ParanoidGynodroid · 09/01/2020 09:16

What a selfish, thoughtless twat.

If you don’t leave him, make sure none of you do anything he wants for his birthday.

farseabouttinsel · 09/01/2020 09:22

Well, this incident sounds like it's just emblematic of what is going on generally, sadly. It suggests he's not interested in putting others before himself, doesn't care about the impact of his words and actions on the rest of the family, and is basically a petty, selfish twunt who has checked out.

The only way you will find out is if you ask him to be honest. If he's not a total coward he will tell you why he's behaving this way.

LongLiveThePenis · 09/01/2020 09:24

Bin the prick. If you're asking then he's obviously not worth keeping.

Original poster
Wejustdontknow · 09/01/2020 09:28

No back story really, the first ever issue we had was last July when we had all gone out as a family and he behaved really badly, ignoring me and 2 ds’s and getting drunk with friend. We had serious words afterwards and he apologised and said he agreed he had treated us badly and that he thought he was depressed. He made a doctors appointment and was given medication but as far as I know he never went back to the doctors afterwards but everything was back to normal family life afterwards. We went on a long family holiday in October and all had a wonderful time together. Since we came back is when I have noticed him slowly not getting involved as much and I have realised he doesn’t seem to do anything alone with eldest ds and tbh not much with younger ds although does have to do the general dad duties as younger ds is 6 so can’t be just left to his own devices.
I think the ltb as a little hasty although I won’t hesitate to do it if it continues but I won’t just throw away everything is it is just a blip or bad mood.
I was thinking of over the next couple of weeks suggesting a few different activities and see whether he gets involved and also keep an eye on how much time he spends with each ds and how he interacts with them.
The restaurant is Frankie and benny’s as mentioned above, the food wasn’t wonderful last time we went but wasn’t inedible and certainly not so bad I wouldn’t go for someone’s birthday if that’s what they wanted

OP posts:
oohnicevase · 09/01/2020 09:31

My sister loves ask , I don't get it and find the gods bland and dry but I go every year and pay good money because she likes it 🤷‍♀️.. just the way it is isn't it .

Dontlikeoranges · 09/01/2020 09:46

He's a selfish bastard. I ended a relationship for a similar reason - it sounded like a silly thing but was emblematic of how self centred he was.

Who on earth doesn't put a child first in this scenario. My vegetarian for decades parents took my ds to KFC the other day as that's what they chose just on a random Saturday - no special occasion. No drama at all.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 09/01/2020 10:39

When DP first started to integrate into our lives he did this once in front of the DC (not the harsh words , just said it's not my thing I wont need to be there ). I pulled him straight away and I was quite direct. If you want to be in our lives you accept there are things you might not want to do but it's important to the DC.

He was genuinely upset when I spelled it out for him the effect it had on the DC. He had grown up with an absent father and several stepfather who frankly were crap and at best uninvolved and at worst abusive. He genuinely didn't understand what was expected of him. The absolute last thing he ever wanted to do wa shurt the DC but he had gotten so used to selfish stepfather he thought it was normal. Once pointed out to him he stopped it immediately. He did ask me to use certain words so he understood. Very simple I just say quietly " this is one of those important things " and hes there with enthusiasm (although I know he has to fake it sometimes but he does to be fair)

He went to respond a couple of times without thinking but stopped himself. So I can understand how he might genuinely not get why this is a selfish thing to do but the key is that if you've already spoken to him about it there is no excuse. I made it clear to dp , if you pull that sort of thing again you are gone (it was earlyish days at a year in and I was tolerating very little).

Dp had to work hard to understand family life because he had never had it but ultimately if you choose to be a step parent (or a parent ) you have to do that work so he needs to suck it up and do it.

Your dp needs to pull this back or no you need to walk , I see what this attitude did to my DP and although now it's made him determined to try hard to be a good step parent it caused him loads of issues growing up.

Original poster
Wejustdontknow · 09/01/2020 12:03

Your right @Shinyletsbebadguys although we are further in after 10 years I don’t think it is an immediate ltb moment however I have spoken about it once before so won’t again but I will be watching carefully for the next couple of weeks at least, if it seems to have been a slip I will explain closer to ds’s birthday that the location isn’t important it’s celebrating ds’s birthday and that if he doesn’t want to eat that’s his choice but he should want to be their with the rest of us.
I am going to suggest some family activities, we are both busy with work at the min so will maybe suggest a trip out somewhere if we can fit it in over the weekend and maybe a movie night Friday or Saturday and see if he gets involved or says to do it without him.
We still also my birthday in 2 weeks so will be interest to see if he plans anything for me, we don’t go big but I would expect a card and small gift at least to show he has thought about me

OP posts:
Vilanelle · 09/01/2020 12:35

Sounds like you would all have a better time in general with life and be happier without that miserable bastard moping around.

StreetwiseHercules · 09/01/2020 13:04

What a fucking idiot.

slipperywhensparticus · 09/01/2020 13:05

My kids love McDonald's I have food issues so end up with a hot chocolate we dont go for ME we go for them

KaptenKrusty · 09/01/2020 13:36

awful - I go to heaps of things I would rather not be at with my stepson - that's what you do - I even went to a restaurant I don't really like for my husbands birthday last year - because it was his day and I wanted him to have what he wanted.

Your poor son :(

GabsAlot · 09/01/2020 13:38

I think f and b are crap aswell(thats another thread) but my newphew likes it and he has chosen it forhis birthday

I go to celebrate with him it doesnt matter what the food is

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2020 13:43

I imagine the LTB comments are partly because your title clearly suggests you’re considering doing so.

Original poster
Wejustdontknow · 09/01/2020 14:14

@AnneLovesGilbert sorry yes I didn’t realise that but I guess that’s what I am now doing
I am celiac so am limited food wise, my ds2 loves macdonalds also (don’t all kids) and has asked to go this week as pokemon is in the happy meal. I am taking him tomorrow even though all I will do is watch him eat or possibly have a drink

OP posts:
Straycatstrut · 09/01/2020 14:20

He sounds like a petulant child. Go and enjoy yourselves without him.

Do this. Make sure you come home all smiling and laughing and talking loudly about what a great time you had.

Don't enable him. DON'T change the damn restaurant to accommodate him and feed his ego.

Then get a room to yourself and imagine life with no grumpy bugger in it because it IS possible!

I truly learned what the "Born again" phrase meant when ex left and I'd dragged myself out of the grief (of the wasted 10 years, and for the life I dreamed of with him).

Butchyrestingface · 09/01/2020 14:25

surely for one night if it’s where your dc want to eat for their birthday you would suck it up and go and enjoy it with them?

Slightly different situation, neither of my parents (one wonderful, the other distinctly less so) would have been seen DEAD in the likes of McDonalds/BK/KFC, birthday or no birthday. As I rarely if ever got to eat in these places as a kid, they would have been top of my list for birthday venues.

My parents got round the problem by telling me to invite some like minded, same aged friends to take with me instead. The sight of my mother trying to worry a quarter pounder past her dainty lips would have been quite enough to put me off my own food anyway. Grin

Your husband doesn't sound particularly nice in this case. Sad

Original poster
Wejustdontknow · 09/01/2020 14:26

Oh we will definitely be going however if he doesn’t come and be happy about it he will be staying home to pack his bags although I don’t think we will get to ds’s birthday together without a radical change. Now it’s in my mind it’s all I am thinking of.
I am really angry at him in my head, we were supposed to have a wonderful life together and I feel like he is just chucking it all away without even realising when it’s not like I am asking for much just some interest in his family and to want to spend time with all of us

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 09/01/2020 14:31

Talk about trying to ruin your sons birthday treat.

HollowTalk · 09/01/2020 14:31

Just warning you: sometimes a change in personality in a guy means they've had their head turned by someone - it's as though they're showing off to that person, who isn't even in the room.

atomicblonde30 · 09/01/2020 14:33

That’s really mean. My DSD loves bowling which I hate with a passion, I still take her and she has no idea I hate it lol. Same with my son he loves swimming, the germ freak me out but I put my game face on and take him - it’s really very churlish of him to be so bratty bout things. Seeing the kids enjoy days out makes me happy, even if I’d rather be sat at home with a wine 😅