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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The stepdad/biological dad saga..

63 replies

Kiki92 · 08/01/2020 08:49

I've been a single mum for about 15 months now. DP walked out and said he wanted nothing to do with our child... He hasn't done either. There's been no contact, nor does he pay towards DS.

I've been happy being with DS on our own (he's now 20 months), but a couple of month's ago I met a man through work and we're taking it slow, but we've started a relationship. I'm happy. He treats me like an equal. He's thoughtful. He's sweet. He has a good job, he works hard. He has a DS himself who he brings up alone.. I never expected to meet someone, yet here we are... He's also amazing with my DS. He takes the time to play with him. He's patient with the tantrums. He knows that he's obviously not his dad, but he's over the moon to play the role of a father figure. I waited a while before introducing them, but I'm happy with how it's all progressing.

Word has however gotten back to my ex who is not happy. He doesn't want my new partner to spend time with DS. My ex-inlaws (who I do still see) are saying the same. There is no solid, logical reason for this.

AIBU to suggest that it's absolutely none of their business. These people seem to want me to stay single so that it limits their guilt. I'd never stop my ex being a dad, but he's chosen not to be..

Opinions please.

OP posts:

FrancisCrawford · 08/01/2020 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Kiki92 · 08/01/2020 08:52

Then perhaps I am being unreasonable. I've never been in this situation before. It's very much all new territory. :/

OP posts:

3teens · 08/01/2020 08:54

You're right. It's ABSOLUTELY none of their business! Are you supposed to stay single for life?

Retroflex · 08/01/2020 08:56

You're not being unreasonable to have moved on, have a new relationship or have your partner in your child's life.

You would be unreasonable if you then had something to say when your ex gets into a new relationship and his his new partner in your child's life.

Retroflex · 08/01/2020 08:57

*has his

Foslady · 08/01/2020 08:58

If he can’t be bothered with seeing his child then none of his business - he’s got in with his life and you are getting on with yours.

MaxNormal · 08/01/2020 08:58

Its absolutely fuck almost to do with your ex. Even if he was still co-parenting it would be nothing to do with him.

TriangleBingoBongo · 08/01/2020 08:59

So your ex has no contact with his son?

No, it isn’t any of their business.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 08/01/2020 08:59

You may be taking it a bit too fast on the stepfather front, but it’s absolutely none of your ex’s business which of your friends you see when with your DS.

Given that your ex has abandoned his own son he’s not really in any position to have an opinion about your lives.

Cryingoverspilttea · 08/01/2020 08:59

None of their business. But at 20 months old if DS attached to the new man and then your relationship ends, it would be just as damaging to your DS as if his real father was leaving. Limit their relationship for now and what DS see's you new partner as in his life until you are much, much more involved. Do not start playing happy families. But by all means introduce him as a friend once in a while.

PoopaPoopa · 08/01/2020 09:01

Your ex is definitely being unreasonable however if you met a couple of months ago I can’t understand how your new partner is already playing father figure to your son. No offence intended but two months is nothing, it means you hardly know your new partner. That isn’t taking things slowly.

champagneandfromage50 · 08/01/2020 09:02

Far too soon to bring a new man into your young DS life. If you split up your DS will be left confused too. So I would slow down trying to give your DS a father figure after a couple of weeks of dating. Other than that it's none of your ex business or his family.

Original poster

Kiki92 · 08/01/2020 09:03

@WiseUpJanetWeiss Thank you. I appreciate that. 😊 DS and my new partner have met each other twice so far, but I'll give it more time before it happens again... I'm finding it hard knowing how to navigate it all.

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/01/2020 09:03

Your ex doesn't want anything to do with your son but doesn't want anyone else to have anything to do with him either?

So when he gets to a 'fun' age ex can waltz in and play Disney dad? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

You deserve to be happy and your son deserves a role model. Your ex can do one.

Ignore what people say about introducing him too early. You're happy, your sons happy. What's right for other people won't always be what's right for you.

paranoidmum2 · 08/01/2020 09:03

So your twat of an ex doesn’t want to be a father to his son but still wants to control you and DS? Tell him and his family to get lost, you’re right, it’s none of their business.

However, you are moving way too fast with this other man. He’s over the moon to play father figure to a boy he’s only known a few weeks? That’s very very odd, OP. Please slow down.

Original poster

Kiki92 · 08/01/2020 09:05

Thank you, all! I'll certainly be limiting the contact.. If it doesn't work out I don't want it to have an impact on DS. You're all right, I need to slow it down. 😊

I'm so glad I posted here!

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 08/01/2020 09:05

YANBU

Your Ex can't be bothered to be a dad. His family should be happy for you and ashamed of their son.

I think you're lucky to have met such a nice chap.

His family can get lost. Why did you even tell them. None of their business.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/01/2020 09:08

It's none of their business, it would only be if they had clear reasons to believe your new man may harm you or your child in some way.

However, I'd be taking things more slowly. My children met my new partner after I'd know him for 6 months. I think this a probably a save minimum, no child needs a succession of men in their lives even if they are nice.

thebabessavedme · 08/01/2020 09:09

OP, I was in exactly your position nearly 30 years ago, my dd has been loved, cared for by my dh for over 20 years now, her bio f wouldnt know her if he met her in the street and quite frankly she couldnt care less, she has a father who loves her dearly, who she loves dearly, so no, your ex has no say, no moral rights and needs to back off, he choose his path, now he will have to walk it!

just one thing, tkae it slowly with your new man, your child needs stability, my dd has never seen me with anyone other than dh, I did date a little before he came on the scene but it took over a year before she realised that he was my boyfriend, I couldnt risk her feeling she was being rejected again if it didnt work out.

millymoo1202 · 08/01/2020 09:10

Absolutely nothing to do with your ex or his parents infant they should be ashamed of him. Good luck in your new relationship, he sounds like one of the good ones. X

BonnesVacances · 08/01/2020 09:11

Tell your ex in laws that they need to focus on their own son's behaviour towards his DS instead of yours.

Original poster

Kiki92 · 08/01/2020 09:13

@thebabessavedme thank you! 😊 I think I've just been a bit over excited and naive if I'm honest. I'll be slowing it down from now on. There's no reason for them to spend time together just yet. You're completely right.. I need to make sure the relationship is going somewhere first. Baby steps, etc etc.

Thank you so much.

OP posts:

dottiedodah · 08/01/2020 09:18

I think its nothing to do with your ex who sounds like a complete twat! If you have met someone good for you ! You can take your time and gradually introduce DS to new chap .However if they have already met then just do the odd day out here and there?

Jellybeansincognito · 08/01/2020 09:21

I think it’s concerning you’re allowing someone to play the father figure after so long to be honest, if I was your family I’d be concerned about this.

It is non of their business however- but their opinion is only invalid because they play no role in your sons life.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/01/2020 09:22

Oh- I’m glad you’ve seen you need to slow it down a bit.

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