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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The stepdad/biological dad saga..

63 replies

Kiki92 · 08/01/2020 08:49

I've been a single mum for about 15 months now. DP walked out and said he wanted nothing to do with our child... He hasn't done either. There's been no contact, nor does he pay towards DS.

I've been happy being with DS on our own (he's now 20 months), but a couple of month's ago I met a man through work and we're taking it slow, but we've started a relationship. I'm happy. He treats me like an equal. He's thoughtful. He's sweet. He has a good job, he works hard. He has a DS himself who he brings up alone.. I never expected to meet someone, yet here we are... He's also amazing with my DS. He takes the time to play with him. He's patient with the tantrums. He knows that he's obviously not his dad, but he's over the moon to play the role of a father figure. I waited a while before introducing them, but I'm happy with how it's all progressing.

Word has however gotten back to my ex who is not happy. He doesn't want my new partner to spend time with DS. My ex-inlaws (who I do still see) are saying the same. There is no solid, logical reason for this.

AIBU to suggest that it's absolutely none of their business. These people seem to want me to stay single so that it limits their guilt. I'd never stop my ex being a dad, but he's chosen not to be..

Opinions please.

OP posts:
Boom45 · 08/01/2020 09:23

If OP is a single parent with no support from her ex then it's not surprising that her DS has met the new man. And it's also perfectly possible for a child to meet a romantic partner of a parent without "becoming attached" and the adults involved to still be taking it slowly.
It's got fuck all to do with your ex who you and your son go on play dates with and fuck all to do with your ex who you go on actual dates with. Crack on OP, keep taking it slowly and ignore the noise from ex and his family (but listen to people who do actually care about you)

JasonPollack · 08/01/2020 09:23

None of your ex's business whatsoever. Have you been to CMS to make him pay maintenance?

champagneandfromage50 · 08/01/2020 09:23

I would also be cautious about your ex family if they are feelings me to voice opinions about your personal life.

cstaff · 08/01/2020 09:24

Your ex is being an unreasonable jealous arsehole. Let him at it. He cannot control your life anymore - who you see, where you go, when you go, who your child sees etc. If he wants to involve himself in his childs life let him but he has not exactly got himself off to a good start on that front. It may a guilt thing but it is his guilt - let him own it. This is not your problem. As for his parents, they are just taking the side of their son.

MollyButton · 08/01/2020 09:24

You are a great Mum - glad you got advice here.

And your Ex and his family can butt out. (If his family are so concerned then why aren't they making sure he contributes?)

potter5 · 08/01/2020 09:25

Really happy for you! Your ex definitely has no say. He's just jealous! His family have no say either.

Hope this works out for you with the new guy. Flowers

Original poster
Kiki92 · 08/01/2020 09:28

I'm awful for getting carried away.. But realistically, it IS a new relationship and I need to be smarter. Thank God for all of you!!

So far, DS has only met my partner once at a local coffee shop, and once at soft play. That's no more than I'd do with a friend, but I appreciate what you're all saying. I'll give it more time. 😊

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 08/01/2020 09:29

I wouldn’t introduce someone to my child (especially such a young one) for at least 6 months (although hopefully you have good support around you that allows you to “date” out with looking after your son).
Your private life is ABSOLUTELY none of your ex’s business.
He doesn’t want your son but doesn’t want anyone else having him either. He needs to grow the fuck up! As does his family.
Good luck.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 08/01/2020 09:29

There’s no reason your lovely new chap can’t spend time occasionally with you both as “mummy’s friend”, (just as you would with any of your female friends) but it would be wise not to put him in a father figure position until you’re in a stable long term relationship.

Two of my friends were in exactly your position 30 and 10 years ago respectively. Both married and are still very happy with the “new” man. In the first case he adopted the child. So it can work out.

Good luck, OP.

BigFatLiar · 08/01/2020 09:33

Nothing to do with ex at the moment.

As for the children, as two single parents bringing up children on your own it may simply be convenient. Be nice to have time together on your own but practically both of you arranging childcare to have time together may be an issue. At least you're both in the same boat child wise and understanding of the problem so 'dates' with children may simply be a practical solution.

toria658 · 08/01/2020 09:37

Considering the horrible shock of your child’s father walking away, no support from him nor payments for your child I think it is amazing you have kept in touch with his family at all!

Their input is for the child presumably and being judge and jury around your personal life should be redirected at the man who abandoned his responsibilities to his own child. Interesting how the father has suddenly become ‘interested’ and ‘commented’ after having absolved himself of responsibility for his child and has only slithered to the surface to make comments about your new relationship. Pity he wasn’t helpfully ‘commenting’ or being concerned during the night feeds, tantrums and sheer hard work of parenting.

Nothing to do with him or his family unless the child is in danger or is being neglected. I really hope your new relationship is bringing you happiness.

SandyY2K · 08/01/2020 09:38

Your son is a baby. He will meet many people who come and go in his life....at this stage he won't even remember.

I'd be ashamed that a son if mine wasn't financially supporting his child...the last thing I'd do is be negative because you were seeing someone, when his biological father is no more than a sperm donor.

What he wants is for you to be on your own for the rest of your life.

He can take a running jump.

Frothybothie · 08/01/2020 09:39

As many have said take it slowly with the new relationship but good luck.

Please as dc grows stress the differenece between the birth father and the father who brings the child up. The person who acts as fatheras the child is growing, who plays with the child, reads to the child, interacts with the child, tends grazes, acts as goalkeeper or just talks to the child is the REAL father.

A sperm doner aint no daddy.

BrickTop999 · 08/01/2020 09:42

How outrageous that your sons sperm donor abandons you, fails to support your son yet has the audacity to butt in like this.

Its nothing to do with him. I second going to CMS - why haven't you already ?

Daftodil · 08/01/2020 09:43

Your ex is out of line. If he has not been in DC's life in 15 months, he can't get shirty about who IS in his life. It is nothing to do with his family, and if they are being unreasonable to expect you to be single for the rest of your life, particularly when their son has behaved so poorly in this situation.

If they are worried about your kid meeting the new man, could they babysit once a week so that you can get to know the guy in a more adult setting? (although if you work with him, you probably have spent a fair bit of childfree time together already).

Your son is very young and is not going to get attached after a couple of meetings - I think some of the comments here have been quite harsh. I have male and female friends I see irregularly, sometimes a few times a month, then not again for another couple of months. YOU are the constant in your DC's life so I wouldn't feel guilty about a couple of meetups!

Also, if the new chap has his own DC, chances are that your DC is more interested in the other kid than in the new man, the same as if you were on a playdate with another mum and her kid.

Good luck with the new relationship and I hope everything works out well for you 💐

spurs4ever · 08/01/2020 09:46

I was in exactly the same position as you. Definitely NOT any of your ex's business at all!
I met my new partner when my son was 20 months old. I introduced them quicker than I normally would've thought reasonable, otherwise with work/childcare etc we just wouldn't have seen each other. Them having met twice doesn't mean you're rushing it, if you feel comfortable with it then great. If your instinct is telling you to slow it down then that's fine too. Your new partner is a Dad himself so I'm sure he'd understand. Hope things work out for you all xx

Beau2019 · 08/01/2020 09:48

OP - it is nothing to do with your ex NOR is it anyone's business on MN how and when you introduce a new man to your DS. You do what feels natural to you both and at a time that suits you. However, posters are correct in saying make sure you are careful with introducing a new man and ensure that he is right for you both.

Do you have sole custody of your DS? If so, it is probably best that you cut out you ex and his family completely. A man cannot walk out on you both and then decide that he doesn't want YOUR child to be involved with someone else. Your DS needs a father figure and that will not come from your ex. If your DS is still in contact with your ex's parents and they are a benefit in his life, do not cut them out but be very careful.

You and your DS deserve happiness and to be part of a family.

Nanny0gg · 08/01/2020 09:54

If you could keep the new man as absolutely a 'friend' when DC are around - so absolutely nothing romantic, I don't see it as too bad as your DC is so young. But absolutely no staying over. Treat him like one of your girlfriends when you do start spending time all together.

But why haven't you chased the useless waste of space of a 'father' through CMS? Your child deserves that money. What does his family think? Under what circumstances do you still see them?

TheTrollFairy · 08/01/2020 10:02

People are right. It’s got nothing really to do with his biological dad if he’s had nothing to do with him for 15 months, he doesn’t even know his child.

Referring to your new partner as a stepdad is way too quick given you have only been together a couple of month, you need to wait a bit ideally before introducing any new partner to your child and even then they need to be introduced as a friend rather than ‘here’s your new stepdad’ as the emotional impact on your child could be massive if you split up.

If your sons biological dad wants to see your son again then again, this needs to be taken slow regardless of the fact he is his dad because again, if he drops him again then the emotional impact can be massive. There is nothing worse for a child than feeling like they are not good enough or not worthy of love from one of their parents.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 08/01/2020 10:03

If your child will never have contact at all with bio dad, and you can afford not to take maintenance, then don’t.

I know lots on here will tell you to make him pay up, and I understand why. However if you can afford a decent quality of life for you and your son without his money, then don’t take it. If he’s paying it will make him feel as if he has some right to dictate what goes on, even if he’s not seeing his son. By not taking his money you put yourself in a stronger position to completely disregard his feelings on the matter.

I have 10 yr old twins, split with bio dad when 10 wks pregnant. He’s never got in contact and ignored all communication. I’ve never taken a penny, despite some financial woes along the way, and at this point I’m very glad that I’ve not had his money. He will never be able to spin anything and make me out to be the bad guy should the children choose to seek him out when older (unlikely as they’re both SEN). I never badmouth him but I definitely made the right decision. He chose not to be involved in their lives, so I don’t want him thinking he gets to buy the right to have a say. Absolutely not judging anyone who does claim maintenance btw, just offering a different perspective.

Also....I’m now with someone who is their “dad”. We’ve been together 9 years, but he was an old friend I knew from before. My friends brother actually. The children adore him. Sometimes there is a happy ending even if it’s not what you expected. Best of luck 😊😊

ReadyPayerTwo · 08/01/2020 10:15

Your ex doesn't want anything to do with your son but doesn't want anyone else to have anything to do with him either?
*
So when he gets to a 'fun' age ex can waltz in and play Disney dad?*

This! I've heard it played out so many times - IRL and on Mumsnet.

fishonabicycle · 08/01/2020 10:25

Your ex has no say whatsoever. And your child has met your new chap twice as a friend - that's fine too! As long as you don't move a 'new daddy' in straight away you're doing fine x good luck

Kaykay066 · 08/01/2020 10:35

Who told you he has an issue?
Think If I spent 5 months with my beautiful baby boy then walked out on him for 15 months I’d not have the brass neck to comment on his upbringing etc he’s lost his right to an opinion - I just don’t understand how some men can do this, but your son is better off without him. I’d also make sure his parents know he doesn’t pay for his child and remind them who walked out on who. They sound like a real gem of a family.

Take it slow with the new man, you know when it’s right to involve him in your kids lives. My new boyfriend met mine fairly soon and they love him to bits he’s an amazing man, I knew it was going to be long term & id been single for 3 years prior, so it was hard. I hope things work out and I wish you every happiness (& hope ex dad stays away)

Lightuptheroom · 08/01/2020 10:39

None of his business, all I would say is if he's doing this now don't expect him to stop, just learn to ignore him. My ds will turn 18 soon, his dad and I seperated when he was 2 and his dad remarried literally a month later. I however didn't meet anyone new until ds was 16, ex immediately kicked off about HIS ds spending time doing things with my new partner, even despite me having 14 years of his partner declaring my ds should call her mum etc. Enjoy your new relationship and just keep telling him to wind his neck in

averythinline · 08/01/2020 10:41

Ex and his family can fuck off ... make sure you do claim via CMS as that money is for your DS ...
if you don't need it great save it for him driving lessons/university.. u don't know how future will pan out..

Def ok ex family know he doesn't support his child?

Re new man ... way too quick to have relationship with your DS ... I would be concerned he wants to move that fast....