I am fully aware this wouldn’t be a big deal to some people and compared to many other people’s really awful situations on here it really pales into insignificance. So please be kind.
I turned 40 this week, I have been feeling low generally after having a tough time. My DH and I had our first round of IVF and at the beginning of December I had a very early miscarriage. I was very upset by it but have gradually come to terms with it. I was fully aware first cycles don’t always work and of course my age is against me.
DH is a good man, but very wrapped up in his own life and focused on his work. He seemed sad about it at first but very quickly seemed to go back to normal and about 2 weeks later said “Oh I keep forgetting about that” meaning the miscarriage, not in a nasty way, just generally he has moved on mentally. We have talked about a second cycle this year and we are hoping to start in a couple of months. He just generally says we’ll try again and that’s that.
This week was my 40th birthday and I hadn’t discussed with him what I wanted. I thought I would just see if he asked what I would like or better still perhaps get me a little surprise. Knowing what we have been through and that I have been down. On previous birthdays he has never taken the initiative or surprised me apart from my 30th when he got some things I wanted plus a balloon and mug with 30 on and made some effort which was nice.
He knows what things I like and I would have been more than happy with a pair of earrings or a real surprise like tickets to a west end show. I really don’t have expensive tastes and just wanted to feel valued and thought about for once.
He gave me a nice card and got us a takeaway for lunch which is what we normally do for a birthday.
This just feels like one issue in a list of issues where we have just turned into friends rather than a married couple. We love each other but we are just not in love with each other, life has just got very much like he does his thing and I do mine.
He is so focused on our retirement, making money for the future and all I can think about is living for now and wanting to make life worthwhile. To me if we can’t have children I can’t visualise a fulfilling retirement at all. I keep telling him this, it falls on deaf ears. I am essentially unhappy with our life together and he doesn’t see this at all. He seems quite happy with his life.
I did tell him I was disappointed that he didn’t get me a present. His face dropped and he said “well you didn’t tell me what you wanted“ (he never asked) and said he’d been busy with work. And he always says my birthday is too close to Christmas. We didn’t bother with Christmas presents this year because of the miscarriage, we just kept it all low key. I said you’ve known about this birthday for a year. I would have liked a little token to show that you have put some thought in. He didn’t really know what to say.
On his birthdays I always ask him if he wants anything, usually he can’t think of anything. So I get him 4 or 5 things to unwrap, things I’ve thought about and think he will like. Nothing too exciting, some clothes and foodie stuff I know he’ll like but a few little surprises to show I’ve thought about him.
AIBU to feel so disappointed and undervalued by this?