AIBU Feeling so disappointed and undervalued

[Sunnytimesahead]

I am fully aware this wouldn’t be a big deal to some people and compared to many other people’s really awful situations on here it really pales into insignificance. So please be kind.

I turned 40 this week, I have been feeling low generally after having a tough time. My DH and I had our first round of IVF and at the beginning of December I had a very early miscarriage. I was very upset by it but have gradually come to terms with it. I was fully aware first cycles don’t always work and of course my age is against me.
DH is a good man, but very wrapped up in his own life and focused on his work. He seemed sad about it at first but very quickly seemed to go back to normal and about 2 weeks later said “Oh I keep forgetting about that” meaning the miscarriage, not in a nasty way, just generally he has moved on mentally. We have talked about a second cycle this year and we are hoping to start in a couple of months. He just generally says we’ll try again and that’s that.

This week was my 40th birthday and I hadn’t discussed with him what I wanted. I thought I would just see if he asked what I would like or better still perhaps get me a little surprise. Knowing what we have been through and that I have been down. On previous birthdays he has never taken the initiative or surprised me apart from my 30th when he got some things I wanted plus a balloon and mug with 30 on and made some effort which was nice.
He knows what things I like and I would have been more than happy with a pair of earrings or a real surprise like tickets to a west end show. I really don’t have expensive tastes and just wanted to feel valued and thought about for once.
He gave me a nice card and got us a takeaway for lunch which is what we normally do for a birthday.
This just feels like one issue in a list of issues where we have just turned into friends rather than a married couple. We love each other but we are just not in love with each other, life has just got very much like he does his thing and I do mine.
He is so focused on our retirement, making money for the future and all I can think about is living for now and wanting to make life worthwhile. To me if we can’t have children I can’t visualise a fulfilling retirement at all. I keep telling him this, it falls on deaf ears. I am essentially unhappy with our life together and he doesn’t see this at all. He seems quite happy with his life.
I did tell him I was disappointed that he didn’t get me a present. His face dropped and he said “well you didn’t tell me what you wanted“ (he never asked) and said he’d been busy with work. And he always says my birthday is too close to Christmas. We didn’t bother with Christmas presents this year because of the miscarriage, we just kept it all low key. I said you’ve known about this birthday for a year. I would have liked a little token to show that you have put some thought in. He didn’t really know what to say.
On his birthdays I always ask him if he wants anything, usually he can’t think of anything. So I get him 4 or 5 things to unwrap, things I’ve thought about and think he will like. Nothing too exciting, some clothes and foodie stuff I know he’ll like but a few little surprises to show I’ve thought about him.
AIBU to feel so disappointed and undervalued by this?

Hi aroundtheworldyet, TTC is our joint decision. It is not me pushing him into something he isn't fully on-board with. He just sees things differently I.e. if it happens it happens.
He didn't delay the TTC, is was just a matter of circumstances over the years, there's no point dwelling on that though, I'm 40 and that's it sadly.
The present situation is sad, I know I had a part to play in it though. As others have said I should have talked to him about it before because he has always needed prompting in the past, I was naive to think it would be different this time.

Well I hope he ends up understanding how much it really means to you. And how much it’s upset you.
I’m sorry you’ve ended up feeling so sad.
Hopefully 2020 will be a better year for you after this. Especially with the IVF

I don't think yabu at all. Nobody has bothered to do anything for my birthdays since I was a child. It hasn't got any easier as I'd love a bit of fuss for once.
Hope you have better luck with your IVF this year.

@aroundtheworldyet - Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words.

Hi TheSoapyFrog, thank you for your message. I'm sorry to hear you have also been in the same situation with birthdays. It's funny because I hate fuss generally and would never want to be centre of attention. I just want my DH to show me he has thought about me on occasions like this.

Hi Sunny I am still checking in to see how you're doing...

I think your dh being supportive during IVF is a big thing, and a good sign of his care for you as it is a hard, tough process. And it is massively expensive so if he was not certain about wanting a baby with you he would not have gone down that route.

I would, gently, say that perhaps you are also stuck in a pattern of behaviour with him in some ways - when he apologised for not making an effort for your birthday you effectively let him off the hook by saying 'it''s ok, the day has been and gone. Perhaps you could have said 'yes, I was upset to have no celebration, why don't we plan something - dinner in a nice restaurant, weekend to the coast, theatre trip - whatever you might fancy and get both of you out of the rut of being in work or at home in front of the tv.

You can still bring it up now...say you've been thinking about what he said and you think it might be nice for you both to do something together so what does he think? Ask him to organise it. It will make him realise that it IS important to you.

I'm not sure if you did this in the lead up, but I would definitely be saying things like 'what shall we do for my birthday this year - how about XXX' - bring it up with him in advance so he has no chance to 'forget' or get too busy in work.

I wish you all the luck in the world with the ttcing!

Hi caperplips, Thanks so much for thinking of me. Each day that goes on is making me put it all in perspective, I’m feeling better than I did the day I posted.
You are so right about my DH, he has been very supportive about the IVF and is happy to go for a second cycle, this is a good sign.
Your advice on saying I have thought about my present is good advice. I’m not sure I’m in the right frame of mind right now but I will think about this. I will also remind him next year and say what shall we do for my birthday.
In the heat of the moment I said don’t expect anything for your 50th next year. I was angry and being childish, I will do something for him. Although he said he doesn’t care anyway! FFS Men! Or should I say my man!

Your posts make very sad reading op, and for me this is all tied up on your age and fertility struggles, like you're looking for someone or something to take it out on.

You've been with him a long time, so suddenly deciding not to prompt this year and then being upset, seems like you were teeing it up, as you knew what would happen.

Counselling is s good idea, addressing your sadness, and your feelings on your age and fertility will possibly help you seperate this out. Because right now I think you need someone or something to blame. 💐

I feel I have been and can be more honest here than I could to his face.

^^ This is an extremely worrying remark you made OP. This is a massive problem I think and possibly at the root of all this. Why do you not feel you can be 100% honest with your husband? He is the one person in this world with whom you should be able to be completely vulnerable and show your true self and not feel judged in any way.

I was also concerned reading you say that he would not go to couples counselling. Are you saying that if you told him how feeling unhappy you have felt, that you are both growing apart, and that you have been questioning the marriage and want it to work, he would refuse to attend? Again this is a sign of something very concerning to me- to some extent the fact that you just accept this would be the case.

Finally, again your assertion that he would never go on a weekend away with you. Sorry what? Why ever not? What possible objection could he have? It seems he's in a mode where he is able to make almost no effort or investment in your marriage and you have just accepted this.

I'm so sorry for your loss x

I don't think he sounds uncaring: people have very different expectations about birthdays and I don't think this is a sign of him being mean or anything. He Sounds more of a pragmatist. I personally would have found the birthday you described great I understand why you got upset though because your expectations were different. He probably won't change so you ll have to decide if you are happy with that.
On another note, I can't believe someone thought the 20s are too young to think about pensions!

OP, the lack of the birthday present, is lazy, selfish and self absorbed.

I think lots of men can get wayyyyyy too comfortable in their relationships, and it's not good at all because it pisses women off and builds resentment.

I remember early in my marriage my lovely husband forgot our second anniversary.

He arrived home to a special mid week meal with his hands hanging!

I was very hurt. He could see it in my face. Flowers would have been enough, just a token. It just really hurt me. I remember saying to him that I loved him very much, but not to take it, or me, for granted, as it wouldn't end well for us.
I wasn't angry, I was very pragmatic.
He heard me, and it never happened again.

I think you are right to carry on with TTC.

But I also think that your husband is just too comfortable.
I think sometimes, people who are too comfortable, too well looked after, too accommadated, become too selfish.

I would take this opportunity, this year, to hugely focus on yourself and a life outside of your relationship.
Look at sports, hobbies, interests where new friendships can be forged.

You need to Mind You.
He's a nice man, but he's minding Him.

Hope that makes some sense. 💐

He is a good man in lots of ways

My Mum always said this about my Dad. They were married for 62 years when she died. He was consumed with money making. It wasn't a happy marriage

@Bluntness100 - You live up to your user name don't you!

Comment 1
"like you're looking for someone or something to take it out on"

• You are so wrong here, this is not me at all not even in the slightest.

Comment 2
"deciding not to prompt this year and then being upset, seems like you were teeing it up, as you knew what would happen"
Wrong again. I had just managed to get through Christmas, leading up to that I was trying to ward off the depression that was starting to linger over me. I am not a manipulative person at all, I wasn't teeing things up at all. I haven't got the emotional energy to even think along these lines right now, let alone the fact it's just not in my nature.

Comment 3 -
"Because right now I think you need someone or something to blame."
I blame nobody else for the way my life has turned out. It was my decision to delay TTC and I live with that. I don't take this out on anybody and certainly not my husband.
My age is my age and my fertility issues are just the way things are. I accept that.

@OxfordCat -
It is much easier to talk things through on here with strangers than trying to find the right words and be 100% honest with my husband at the moment. That's why I'm seeking counselling I hope to be able to talk to him honestly when I know what I want.
He doesn't believe in counselling himself but he is supportive of me going. He has been to a counsellor once before a few times for his own difficulties years ago but he didn't feel it made a difference. He might not refuse to attend couples counselling but I would never expect him to do something he is not committed to fully.
The weekend away thing is just not something he would do. He would go on a cheap holiday somewhere for a fortnight but we disagree on what a holiday should be like. I would prefer to save up and go somewhere really nice. He isn't so fussy. It's always been that way. We went on a lovely holiday last year, which we both enjoyed, that's enough for now.

Hi OneKeyAtATime - Thanks for your message. Yes he would agree with you about the pensions, it's the way he has been brought up. It's not necessarily a bad thing in principal, it's just all he thinks about which is bordering on obsessive like his hobby.

Hi billy1966 - Thank you for your message, I really appreciate your kind words. I am definitely going to work on myself this year, starting with the counselling.

@thickwoollytights - I am sorry to hear that. I don't think I could keep a marriage going that long if I was unhappy for all those years. It's really only been the last 3 year's I have felt this way which isn't too long considering we've been together for 21 years.
I'm not going to give up on us yet, this year will be the decider.

Sorry I wasn't looking to offend, sometimes we need to lash out when we are hurting and look for something to lash out at, a sort of displaced anger. That's all I was trying to say, 💐

@Bluntness100 - Thanks for your message. I just wanted to be clear it's not in my nature to do that. I appreciate your post was coming from a good place. No hard feelings.

Hi ElizabethMountbatten - Thank you for your message. I'm sorry you are in a similar situation too.
January birthdays, how dare we be born so close to Christmas!
Do you think your DH would respond to you saying before your birthday 'shall we do this' or 'I would really love that' like some people have suggested on this thread?

In response to your response to me re counselling OP...

I mean this in an observational way (rather than a critical one) but you sound very 'resigned', if you know what I mean. You sound somewhat defeated by the state of the marriage. I'm sorry, and I hope you can access your therapy sessions as soon as possible.

My birthday soon OP (hate January birthday!) Last ten years I've had nothing it's not a special one this year but I had my 30th not so long ago so it's clear my dh won't do anything. I asked for advice on here and was told book myself whatever I want to do even if it's alone.

So I have. And my god my dh hasn't stopped moaning about me going out with my friend and leaving him out. Well yeah he's left me out of my own birthday for the last ten years. He's just gone out now to get a card from tescos because he's so disorganised and lazy. Probably forgot to ask his secretary to do it.

But hey who am I to change him? He's good in most other ways he just doesn't understand me wanting to celebrate it.

Now that I've accepted I can make some changes I am planning to spend 2020 making them. I hope 2020 brings happier times for you OP

Hi chachachargrilled, thank you for your message. I hope you really enjoy your January birthday, I admire you for arranging what you want to do yourself.
That's interesting DH being so put out by you going out with your friend! Maybe it will jolt him into treating you next year!
As you say my DH is just the same, good in so many ways but this is just one area he doesn't get. I'm learning to accept that and concentrate on the bigger picture.
I hope you have a great 2020 too.