Am I being unfair to my community midwife?

[BeckQ]

I don’t know if I’m being unfair to my community midwife I see at my GP surgery. She is very snooty to put it kindly and I just feel like from day one she has no interest in me or my pregnancy. Now I know I’m just another woman in a long line of women she sees and one of millions of pregnant woman. But I feel as though considering this is my first pregnancy and I have no idea what to expect I have found everything out I need to know from google. I work in a GP surgery myself so I know the strains all to well and do feel for her and never complain when she runs hours behind, although I don’t know how she manages that, she’s always in such a rush and I’m never in there for longer than 5 minutes. She did a home visit over Christmas And after telling me she’d be there at 10M she turned up at 11.10am without so much as an apology! She also dropped my urine sample all over my floor, but that was an accident, I can’t really call her for that. But when I’m asking her questions I feel like she just shrugs them off. She seems to do nothing that my maternity pack says she should be doing, all she literally does is check my urine, measure my belly and say goodbye, I don’t think she has ever once asked how I’m feeling. I have mentioned on a few occasions I’m ridiculously tired (I have a history of being anaemic) to be told “yeah you will be at this stage” I asked her if blood test is needed for her to say “no, your bloods were fine last time (LAST TIME about 2 months ago) . But if you insist I’ll send you for one” when I said nah not if I don’t need one she wrote in my notes “patient declined blood test 😐” I have mentioned everytime I have seen her about excessive discharge and told “yeah that’s normal” turns out I have really bad untreated thrush (I have had no symptoms, no itchiness and no clumpy discharge) I only found out what it was after going to the hospital after my discharge turned green and watery and I thought perhaps my waters had broken. I am 38 weeks and she still hasn’t asked me about a birth plan. She didn’t give me my mat b 1 form. I had to chase her for weeks for it with work on my back. It’s impossible to get in touch with her. I have asked her to check if my thrush has now gone because I am still having discharge (although not green) and it is still very painful to have sex. I got told “we don’t check to see if things have gone the treatment you have been given should (SHOULD) have cleared it.” I don’t like her. But as I only have to see her another 2 times plus the couple of times after the baby is born, should I just put up with her of should I say something? Not sure if it’s the hormones raging, although my husband said he doesn’t like her either, and he likes everyone! 😂

I don’t think you’re being unfair if she hasn’t given you some of the services she should have.

As far as being a bit aloof and not that likeable personally, that’s a shame but I guess not everyone is socially amazing and that great at coming across genuine and interested (although I agree a community role seems an odd choice for
This type of personality)

I’ve just had two pretty much back to back pregnancies within two different towns (different trusts totally not just different hospitals) and I can confirm that all the midwives I’ve seen on visits HAVE asked about my mood, how I am physically etc. You definitely should have been asked about a birth plan and walked through it and told about options.
The midwifery service isn’t just bare bones, they are meant to look after you through your pregnancy not just tick boxes. No they don’t have 45 mins for each appointment to sit and chat about your choice of baby name but there should be a general conversation about your health, stats taken, bump measure and heartbeat and then a follow up appointment discussion - as in what’s next.

Hoping you get to experience some more committed and focus midwives during the birth experience, I’m sure you will! I came across a Couple of stern / miserable ones but on the whole I’ve personally interacted with about 15 over two years and 90% have been exactly as you’d expect / want them to be.

Best of luck with baby!

@PhoenixBuchanan my friend used to work at my surgery where she is based and she said when I first started going that no one likes this midwife. So it’s not just me that doesn’t like her way. It’s like everything is to much trouble for her and no matter how stretched for time they are no midwife should be like that. The midwife were i work isn’t like that. She can’t do enough for anyone

This is not good. Vaginal infections can lead to premature births--obviously that did not happen in your case, but the danger is there and that means you did not get good care.

@Grumpos.. yeah Of course! Thank you

I had the same midwife through out at a maternity centre and she done my birth plan at 36 weeks due to being booked in for induction at 38 weeks.
Your midwife sounds awful. You know you can always change.
FWIW I never had a home visit from my midwife until baby was born. When a midwife did come round on day 2 or 3 I think it was a different midwife from the maternity unit.
Saw my midwife again when DS was 4 weeks I think.
Good luck with baby 👶🏼

Forgot to add each appointment was at least 20-30 minutes aswell

@Durgasarrow exactly. I’m not expecting the midwife to know I have thrush when I didn’t know myself! And I’m not blaming her. But I feel like for the sake of even putting my mind at rest she could check for me. What If I need a sweep? It’s just added discomfort I don’t need

@PixieDustt maybe I’m just expecting to much. But I personally don’t think I am.

Thank you

No you're not expecting too much she is definitely fobbing you off! Does she even listen to baby's heartbeat?

@PixieDustt yeah she does to be fair. She religiously checks my urine, blood pressure, bump and baby position. So she’s doing all the checks she needs to for the file notes. I feel like it’s exactly the same appointment everytime I go. Nothing new ever gets mentioned. I’m so close now and I feel like I know nothing! I’ve found out most things from my friend who has just had a baby and google. I even had to find my own antenatal classes because my name was never put down and there were full by the time I rang, as I put it off because she said oh they will get in touch with you soon. I was told they should have put your name down for them when you first book in. But that could be an admin fault. she’s Not to blame for that. She didn’t book me in. 😂 let her off with that

Why do you need to discuss your birth plan with your community midwife, unless you are having a home birth?
Surely you write the plan and then give it to and discuss it with the MW caring for you in labour?
The most important person to discuss it with is your birth partner so they can be an effective advocate for you.
Honestly it sounds like you haven't clicked with her at all, so of course you can ask if there is someone else you can see. However you do seem to be expecting a lot from her. When her clinic or appointments run late she may have been out delivering a baby, or seeing a newborn with health issues which required her to stay longer with the family, or finding a woman with elevated protein or BP at a routine appointment which needed immediate referral, or looking after a woman who has had a stillbirth or a miscarrriage. The unexpected and urgent will crop up routinely and she can't predict if today is going run to plan or just be one crisis after another.
TBF to you, I did find the expectation that I, as a pregnant woman, had nothing better to do with my time than sit around waiting - especially in the early stages when I was also still trying to fit appointments in around work. But that has happened in all my NHS experiences - not just pregnancy-related, so I think it is just the way the system works and you have to find a way of coping without stressing for your own sake.

I think we must all be from different districts and areas that do things differently. Im not particularly desperate to do a birth plan, because I know it probably won’t happen. But My maternity pack states that at my 36 week appointment she is to go through your birth plan and do a carbon monoxide test. Now my husband is a gas engineer so I’m not worried about the latter in the slightest. But if she’s meant to be doing it I just don’t get why she isn’t 🤷‍♀️ And if she’s not meant to do it (although all my friends in my area who have different midwives have all done one) or she doesn’t feel the need to like you say because it doesn’t concern her. Why doesn’t she just say rather than just leave it.

@PerspicaciaTickand I can assure you when I had my miscarragies no one came out to my house to see me and console me. I’m not debating they have emergencies. And I have to plead ignorance with the fact they are also on call when they have a set clinic of visits, I did not know that. I find that mind boggling to be honest and if that’s the case completely unfair to them. But I stand by the fact if you’ve given someone a time and you are over an hour late, an apology should be given out of curtesy. 🤷‍♀️ sorry if you think that’s unfair.

Have you asked her why is not done these things?

You need to be your own advocate here. If your not happy with the care, voice it and have a conversation around it.

In terms of the thrush, see the GP. They are the people to help you with that.

She running late for a million reasons that come from working pressurised service but I agree she should be friendly. All sorts of things happen in clinics - being unable to find a heart beat, a baby that's not gained weight, feeding problems, safeguarding issues with mums mood, domestic violence disclosures, poverty, issuing food bank vouchers, other people running late to name a few.

You need to cut her some slack there.

So when they listen for a heartbeat and don't find one, you think they whizz straight on to their next appointment? In my experience, when I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, it was my community MW who first recognised the signs, referred me immediately and then supported my mental health while I waited two very long weeks for the pregnancy to be brought to an end via surgical intervention. No, i didn't expect apologies when he was running late - I trusted that whatever the reasons were they were good ones.

She doesn't sound great OP. I hope all goes well with the birth.

yabu

@PerspicaciaTick well I’m glad for you that you had a good community midwife who took care of you. But I don’t think I do have a good one 🤷‍♀️ and the whole time ive been seeing her I’ve not once thought I have. I think you are misunderstanding what I’m saying anyway. I am not for one minute saying they should abandon an emergency to come to me routinely, I didn’t even want a home visit, I’d have happily waited until the week after to see her. But I think she should say “ I was caught up in an emergency that’s why I’m late” not just turn up and rush my appointment And try and cram it into a 5 minute slot and so she can get to her next one on time and miss bits out.

I think you're being harsh. Her attitude doesn't sound great but neither does yours. My midwives turned up whenever, partially I think they do it to see how you're coping at any given time.

These aren't really emergencies, just the day to day job. When there's not enough staff to deal with it all, you run late.

Yeah you might be right, but I’ve not had the baby yet, so I don’t think that’s the reason. But I understand why they would do it when you have. Yeah you’re right my attitude is starting to change with her because I feel a little fobbed off.

@justenoughjim sorry, I don’t understand what you mean? What’s not emergencies? And sorry I meant to reply to you before and say I am going to mention the missing bits on Thursday when I see her, you’re right I should mention it, but whenever I ask a question I’m made to feel like I’m asking her the world. I don’t want to complain about her! I know it doesn’t sound like it, becAuse I’ve been complaining all night, if the level of care I’m getting is what wveryone else gets then fair enough! But working with healthcare professionals And seeing what they do and how they are. I don’t feel like it is.

@justenoughjim and also, I know more than anyone what it feels like to be understaffed! I had to start my maternity early Because I was getting chest pains I was so stressed at work. But I don’t think even being short staffed I could have got away with only doing half the work needed. I’m a medical secretary. It’s like me saying I need to type a letter, and missing half of it out because I need to get more important ones done. They still need doing right don’t they.

Her attitude doesn't sound great at all. I think you should contact the head of Midwifery with your complaints and ask to see a different midwife. I can't understand why you haven't done this sooner to be honest.

Thank you to everyone who posted and gave me their honest opinion. I don’t know if it’s visible to everyone but 82% said I was not being unreasonable, so thank you.

I’m going leave this be now because I feel like it will just go on forever. However messaging on this has certainly helped pass the the time with this pregnancy insomnia tonight.

Goodnight all.