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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Terrible attitude towards partner.

55 replies

Lalla525 · 07/01/2020 21:34

Funny thing - I know IABU, but I need to hear it from people to get a much much needed wake up call. And need suggestions.

I have a great partner. He's supportive, loves me, cooks for me, gets me breakfast in bed. He is affectionate, stable. Everybody loves him. My parents adore him. My friends adore him. He helps me at every step. Increases his commuting time to come with me at work and comes to pick me up. He is not jealous or suffocating. He just is always ready to help and do as I ask (or as he thinks i might need - and he is usually right). He is funny and charming. He is always happy and pleasant. A joy to have around.

On the contrary, I have a terrible attitude. I am demanding, I take things for granted. I tell him off for pretty much anything. I'm unpleasant. I rarely show respect for his opinion.

We now seem to have settled on this format (it was not like this at the beginning) and I'm starting to not feel ok with it.

Problem is, lately I am starting to be very afraid that in the long run we might get to a position where his self-defence will come up and he will stop loving me. Maybe not to the point of breaking up, but reach that stage where there is no much communication, love, partnership, etc. Only routine.

How do I pull myself together and get back the relationship on the right track?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2020 21:36

If that’s how you’re choosing to be to him - it’s a choice every single time you’re horrible, critical, demanding and nasty - you should break up with him so he can meet someone decent and you can work on your issues.

Digitalash · 07/01/2020 21:37

Catch yourself on, think before you speak and learn to apologise if you've been rude and snappy. Failing that ditch him for someone who will treat him right.

MyKingdomForBrie · 07/01/2020 21:43

You need to be constantly self critical and self aware until you learn to change.

khaleesiofthegreatgrasssea · 07/01/2020 21:46

I'm not sure if you're a troll or not but what kind of responses are you expecting? You acknowledge he's lovely and you're being horrible to him, so stop it. Today. Now.

If you don't know how to do that, get help. Counselling and/or anger management services might be a start.

If this were the other way round and your post was saying how lovely you are and your DH was taking you for granted, disrespecting your opinions, and constantly telling you off, there would be a resounding chorus of LTBs.

I am curious though - you seem to be saying he's practically perfect so what do you criticise him for?

DareDevil223 · 07/01/2020 21:50

You are abusing him, if this was a man to a woman people would probably be saying LTB. You have enough self awareness to know that this isn't right and that it needs to change. I'm betting you have enough self control not to act shitty at work right?

If my son was in a relationship like this I would be horrified and would support him to leave in any way I could.

Janaih · 07/01/2020 21:51

Are you a drinker?

The armchair psychologist in me wonders if you feel he's too good for you so your pushing him to dump you and prove you right.

Is there an unresolved issue, eg does one of you want kids?

But yeah as pp said, theres no mystery. Just stop being mean and start being nice. One day at a time.

Original poster
Lalla525 · 07/01/2020 21:51

what do you criticize him for

This is a great question. And I'm most certainly not a troll. An example is "efficiency". I am a very efficient person and generally can find relatively quickly the efficient and quickest way to do things. He is way more laid back and sometimes his prioritising is less sensible. I'm not talking about life priorities. More day-to-day stuff.

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 07/01/2020 21:52

Sounds like a reverse to me.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 07/01/2020 21:52

Speaking as a person who has been on the other side of behaviour such as yours, it's debilitating. I went from a stable, happy person to a shell of one in three years. My exes words constantly reverberate around my head and the anxiety I feel about ever being in another relationship is mostly because of how poorly I was treated in my last one (all others were fine).

You need a wake up call and to assess why you treat someone you love and who clearly loves you in this manner. Are you stressed? Do you have children together? Do you hold resentment? Does he bite back when you behave like this? We all have a tipping point. His might come out of nowhere, and you will be left alone and regretful for the rest of your life.

Examine why you behave like this before it's too late.

Original poster
Lalla525 · 07/01/2020 21:56

I think you are pretty much all spot-on. I think I might have anger issues.

Also - there are not 'unresolved' issues in the sense that we are aligned on pretty much all big life priorities. I was not happy about the amount he drinks (not a lot at all in truth, but there are a couple of alcoholics in my family and I have developed some sort of repulsion) but for unrelated reasons he's stopped drinking so not really that either.

OP posts:
Somerford · 07/01/2020 21:56

He'll leave you eventually, you're an abuser. If you had any decency at all you'd either stop it right now or let him go.

Elindab · 07/01/2020 21:58

It's all about tone of voice. Make suggestions, but do so kindly.

Original poster
Lalla525 · 07/01/2020 21:59

But it's very interesting how many of you are pointing out that he is being abused. He might feel horrible. He might get over the edge. While all I thought about was "yes, I'm behaving badly, and I'm worried about my relationship, but not really about the effect it might have on him". It's really eye-opening to hear.

Also, the fact that I might need to break up with him so he finds somebody who treats him well just breaks my heart, but I can see how that might indeed be one of the possible solutions.

OP posts:
Elindab · 07/01/2020 22:03

Look, I'm not sure, Laila. My brother's partner is always going off at him and I wouldn't say he's abused. Not sure what he sees in her! But he seems happy, and he's much tidier than he used to be.

1Morewineplease · 07/01/2020 22:06

I think you already know that if you carry on with your behaviour then he will leave you one day.
Are you behaving like this in order to gauge his reaction?
Are you trying to prove some internal point to yourself?
Do you have low self esteem?
Do you get satisfaction from behaving like this?
I strongly urge you to get some help with your controlling/emotionally abusive attitude.

It’s great that you realise that you behave in this way but it’s not fair on your partner.

Please get help.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2020 22:06

Well he’s not being efficient by extending his commute by driving you to and from work. You’re not complaining about that are you?

But to say you don’t think about the affect your behaviour has on your partner, who you’ve chosen to be with and are supposed to love and want to make happy, makes me question your whole thread to be honest. Are you being serious or just trying to get a rise out of people kind enough to answer your post?

misspiggy19 · 07/01/2020 22:08

He is in an abusive relationship and you are the abuser.

If you care about him you would finish with him and let him find someone worthy of his attention.

Original poster
Lalla525 · 07/01/2020 22:15

I'd rather stop treating him badly and look for some help if necessary, rather than breaking up with him.

How do you define an abusive relationship? I always thought that the person abused is potentially lacking self confidence and gets manipulated by the abuser. But I would not think this is the case.

OP posts:
dottydaily · 07/01/2020 22:15

He has you spoilt,,a child wud behave the same way if they got everything they wanted...you need to acknowledge to him how you feel and work out a plan on how you can change...show more gratitude for a start...he will get his head turned in time and someone will really appreciate him..

Candlecandle · 07/01/2020 22:17

Couple counselling? You'll prob feel better for it. And might learn some surprising things.... (we did and 8 years later our relationship is better than ever). Money well spent in our case.

I always think an adult 'telling off' another adult isn't great. It obv makes at least one feel bad and forces a sort of 'parent-child' dynamic which I don't think is healthy for an adult relationship.

Candlecandle · 07/01/2020 22:18

P.s. I think it's great you're looking at the situation and your behaviour and obviously open to changing things- think how great it could be if you don't feel guilty anymore and he would prob be so happy.

bookishtartlet · 07/01/2020 22:22

I could have written this last year. You're taking out your anger and stress on him. You need to seek help. Not just for him but for you too.

You're not a bad person, but fit do need to address this. Counselling, medication and lifestyle changes are helping me.

Porpoises · 07/01/2020 22:24

Notice what you're doing. Apologize, without excuses, each time you do it.

Look for patterns, flashpoints. Look into your own past, were your parents strict or demanding? Are you imposing on him what was imposed on you?

Original poster
Lalla525 · 07/01/2020 22:24

I think couple counselling is a great idea tbh. Not because I think he needs it, but possibly he will be more aware as well and help me when I slip. If anything, he'll at least be aware that i feel shit about it, as i don't think he knows it now. And if I told him, he would tell me not to worry and he would be so nice that I would probably feel even worse

OP posts:
Somerford · 07/01/2020 22:25

How do you define an abusive relationship?

"On the contrary, I have a terrible attitude. I am demanding, I take things for granted. I tell him off for pretty much anything. I'm unpleasant. I rarely show respect for his opinion"