Terrible attitude towards partner.

[Lalla525]

Funny thing - I know IABU, but I need to hear it from people to get a much much needed wake up call. And need suggestions.

I have a great partner. He's supportive, loves me, cooks for me, gets me breakfast in bed. He is affectionate, stable. Everybody loves him. My parents adore him. My friends adore him. He helps me at every step. Increases his commuting time to come with me at work and comes to pick me up. He is not jealous or suffocating. He just is always ready to help and do as I ask (or as he thinks i might need - and he is usually right). He is funny and charming. He is always happy and pleasant. A joy to have around.

On the contrary, I have a terrible attitude. I am demanding, I take things for granted. I tell him off for pretty much anything. I'm unpleasant. I rarely show respect for his opinion.

We now seem to have settled on this format (it was not like this at the beginning) and I'm starting to not feel ok with it.

Problem is, lately I am starting to be very afraid that in the long run we might get to a position where his self-defence will come up and he will stop loving me. Maybe not to the point of breaking up, but reach that stage where there is no much communication, love, partnership, etc. Only routine.

How do I pull myself together and get back the relationship on the right track?

I think it’s good that you have enough self awareness to realise that you need to change, so many people would blame other things for their behaviour so that’s a great starting point.
Personally I would suggest you go to a councillor on your own initially and explain how you are behaving toward your partner, you will be surprised at how good they are at finding the reason for that behaviour - there is always an underlying reason. Other people can trigger us completely unintentionally and it takes some serious digging to find out the reasons for that. They may then suggest couples counselling, which may be healthy if you’re worried about him eventually falling out of love, it may give him a floor to provide you with the reassurance you are needing. Sometimes just your acknowledgment of your behaviour towards him and your willingness to change and be better in itself will be enough for him and he sounds as though ’s the type of guy will support you.
Fair play to you for trying to solve this, so many people have a disposable attitude towards relationships nowadays and jumping ship to be with someone else is not the answer when we often need to work on ourselves first.
Good luck OP x

Also I would just like to say to the people saying ‘people like you can’t change’ yes they absolutely can. People with no self awareness who wouldn’t see fault in this kind of behaviour aren’t capable of change but the fact you are recognising it and feel the guilt surrounding it means that you can. For example, a narcissist who emotionally abuses their partner is beyond help because they would entirely blame their partner for the way the treat them and not look internally first. You are not at all beyond help. This website can really attract some nasty and unhelpful comments.

Thanks everybody for your thoughts. It really helped. I ended up having a chat with him last night, which included him reading this thread. As I had predicted, he was very nice throughout and these were the main points which came up:

1. he agrees with the description I gave and believes some of the behaviours are abusive. However, he said I gave a pretty unbalanced view of my contribution to the relationship and there is also a lot of good. Although this does not excuse the negatives, it makes the relationship more balanced than it looks and overall it is not an abusive relationship (although some behaviours might be). He also mentioned I might be underestimating the effect this has on him.

2. he disagrees wholeheartedly with it being not something we can address together. (To be fair, this is our general approach to problems and I would have been very surprised if he thought otherwise). He thinks that if somebody has an issue, then both people can work on that and support each other. In this case, if I have to change, he wants to help as he can.

3. he thinks there is a lot we can do before resorting to therapy. Neither of us is in principle against it, but I guess he would like to give it a go with a few conversations and then resort to therapy if these are unfruitful.

Overall, my feeling is that he was pleased that the topic was brought up. He was not resentful, but he was clear he would like to continue to discuss it so that we can get to a better place.

This is going to go down like a lead balloon, but you need to read The Surrendered Wife.

It's not for everyone, but it will help you. It's about facing the fear that makes you snap and snark at your partner, and letting that fear go.
There's also a lot of tips on self care, and turning "I know he's actually a good man" from something at the back of your mind into how you treat him daily.

What you said about being more "efficient" is just not true, I'm afraid - that's just how you rationalise Being In Control.

The dynamic between every couple is different. I bet if you were with a more forceful domineering man you wouldn’t behave like this. It is as if you are taking advantage of his nice nature. Is he really the right man for you?